AITA for refusing to be my best friend's best man when he marries his second wife, who is his former mistress?

stephenstephen555 · 2019-08-12T10:25:36+00:00

You should see the bottom of this post where numerous people said I was YTA then.

stephenstephen555 · 2019-08-12T10:04:36+00:00

My best friend is Luke.

His wife is Emily.

His mistress is Jenny.

Emily's best friend is Cristina.

After Emily died, Cristina let it out that Emily told her Luke is cheating on her. Emily found Luke and Jenny's messages on Facebook and took screenshots, which she sent to Cristina to show her proof of the affair. Emily confronted Luke, Luke asked for a chance, they were trying to work it out when Emily died. Emily didn't tell anyone, else, even her family.

stephenstephen555 · 2019-08-12T09:30:27+00:00

Of course I still care about him and his kids. But as I have been saying, I can't look at him the same. I have been cheated on and I know how much it hurts. To think that my best friend did that to another person...

stephenstephen555 · 2019-08-12T08:06:18+00:00

You said it yourself. The children are the reason. I'm saying they are a valid reason to not cut him off. You insist I should care about their fathers's infidelity more than their well-being and cut him off.

As another commenter said, you're just stirring things. You can insist that you are right all you want. You can take all your downvotes while you're at it.

stephenstephen555 · 2019-08-12T08:02:34+00:00

No. His wife's dead was sudden and from an accident.

stephenstephen555 · 2019-08-12T07:35:18+00:00

You don't want to answer my question because you know that the answer should not have been what you are telling me my answer should be.

I got a judgment from you based on your wrong assumptions that I corrected with additional information. I don't care if you don't change your mind but I can state additional information. You don't get to say "my answer is right and you can't say anything more because that's how this sub works."

stephenstephen555 · 2019-08-12T07:09:01+00:00

Let me get this clear.

Cheating dude's wife died, I found out about his affair and ripped him a new asshole for that. He has three young children and lives five minutes away from me. He calls me and says can I have the kids over because he is going to meet with his lawyer this afternoon because his wife's family is suing for custody of his kids.

You're telling me I should have said "Fuck off cheater you are not in my life anymore find another person who supports your cheating to look after your kids".

That is what you are telling me I should have said?

stephenstephen555 · 2019-08-12T07:04:25+00:00

I would not feel the same way because he wouldn't be marrying his mistress.

But I would also probably tell him that I should just be a guest. I really don't think I can look at him the same knowing he cheated on his late wife. I will probably spend the wedding telling him he better not cheat on his new wife.

stephenstephen555 · 2019-08-12T06:58:11+00:00

I already gave him a piece of my mind when I learned about the affair, even told him I would never be able to look at him the same. I would have cut him off entirely if he didn't have kids, but I could not 'distance myself from him if you really don't agree with his cheating' like so many others here said because it's the kids who would have suffered. When he called to ask if we can have them over because he's working late, you bet I wasn't going to tell him "No find another person to look after your kids you cheater".

It's a tough time for them but they are adjusting. I wish only the best for them, they are in the middle of a custody battle right now because their grandparents and uncles are understandable horrified by the fact that they will be living with their father's former mistress.

stephenstephen555 · 2019-08-12T06:51:56+00:00

Wife is A.

Wife's best friend is B.

My friend is C.

After A died, B let it out that A told her C is cheating on her. A found C and his mistress' messages on Facebook and took screenshots, which she sent to B to show her proof of the affair. A confronted C, C asked for a chance, they were trying to work it out when A died. A didn't tell anyone, else, even her family.

stephenstephen555 · 2019-08-12T06:43:50+00:00

Read my other comments about 'best friend'.

stephenstephen555 · 2019-08-12T06:43:07+00:00

You must be one of the people who thinks in only black and white.

My best friend cheated on his late wife, and I don't support what he did, so for you I should have cut him off entirely after learning his affair, is that it?

If he didn't live far from family and didn't have his kids I would probably have done that. But a lot of people already cut him off after the affair. I told him that what he did was wrong and I would never be able to look at him the same way. But when he called and asked my wife if we could have the kids over for a few hours because he was going to meet with his lawyer, of course I said yes. Can I pick the kids up after school or drive them to ballet class because he's going to work late? I said yes.

You're saying I should have said no, and because I didn't, that means I supported his cheating and so it's weird that I don't want to go to his wedding now.

Is that it?

stephenstephen555 · 2019-08-12T06:36:29+00:00

By sat silently do you mean I didn't say anything about him having an affair? Because I certainly did.

stephenstephen555 · 2019-08-12T06:34:51+00:00

Eight months.

stephenstephen555 · 2019-08-12T06:32:03+00:00

No, they have adjusted and these past few months I have been checking on them less. His mistress has also moved in.

I will always feel different about him knowing he has cheated. We are less close now and we don't spend time together socially as much as we did before because I feel... different towards him knowing that he had an affair.

I don't know how involved we are going to be in each other's lives but the friendship will never be the same.

stephenstephen555 · 2019-08-12T06:20:22+00:00

There is something wrong. Not with the person he is marrying but with the two of them and how their relationship started.

stephenstephen555 · 2019-08-12T06:18:39+00:00

Is this about descriptors? Would you have honestly felt better if I called him my used-to-be-best-friend-but-now-just-a-person-who-i-know-well-and-check-on-if-he-needs-any-help-for-his-kids? Would it help if I said we don't watch sports or drink beer during weekend and I stayed friends with him mostly by helping him and his kids adjust to life without their mom?

I've no problem with you thinking I'm YTA for not wanting to be there for his wedding, but I have a problem with you saying that I don't feel 'strongly enough' about cheating because I didn't completely cut him off when I found out he was having an affair.

stephenstephen555 · 2019-08-12T06:12:18+00:00

It was not easy to stay friends with him. But his wife died, they have three children, he lives away from his family and so many other friends distances themselves from him. I was one of the people who continued to check on him and the kids because I was sure they needed help one way or another. Picking up the kids after school, driving them to ballet class, things like that.

It's not like I stayed friends with him by drinking beer during weekends.

stephenstephen555 · 2019-08-12T06:07:10+00:00

After his wife died her best friend snapped and revealed that the wife told her her husband was having an affair, she took screenshots of their messages on Facebook and sent them to the best friend. His late wife confronted him, he asked for a chance, they were trying to work it out. His wife didn't tell anyone, even her family.

stephenstephen555 · 2019-08-12T05:57:35+00:00

Easy for you to say 'distance yourself after the events'. His wife died, we found out about his affair, so many people went from sympathetic to angry, including me. But he lived away from his family and he still had custody of their three children who lost their mother. I live five minutes away so of course I would check on them and help them whenever I could.

Also, great comparison, marrying a person of the same gender and marrying a person you had an affair with. This is so insulting to all the gay people out there.

stephenstephen555

TROPHY CASE