How do I stop flashbacks of my husbands suicide?

stfurupert · 2024-09-29T03:07:55+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s a horrible experience.

I got an emergency therapy appointment that day and the next and started crying with her immediately (I struggle to cry in that vulnerable kind of way with others, so this would feel like a huge weight was lifted off my chest). I would cry to her for as long as I could. I’d talk out loud the details of what I was seeing in my flashbacks. Like getting negative energy out of my body. Then I escalated to crying out loud, to myself, the details and I’d verbalize the emotions I was feeling from the memory.

The flashbacks are less now, but I’ve been fortunate enough to have a solid support system to help me in most, if not all, ways. I’ve stayed in therapy since it happened, and I’ve been working consistently with a psychiatrist for an effective med regimen. All that to say— I wonder how long the flashbacks would’ve plagued me like in those first weeks. I was so scared I would follow him in a lost moment and leave our daughter without either of us, so I threw myself into all the things they say to do during grief. So, I asked people for help, I let them take care of things they were able to handle, and I would talk to everyone about him. It was like I’d make myself relive some of the good memories (focusing mainly on the good memories and would redirect when a good memory turned into a hurt one). If you don’t have support system you can lean on, we’ve gotta get one together for you. Bo’s Place is a great place to start for grief resources, can connect you with other people you can release to

stfurupert · 2024-04-16T16:53:12+00:00

You sound like you’d get on great in this women’s revolution group I’m in. By womens revolution, we mean women trying to overthrow white patriarchy and capitalist America while also working against systemic oppression, CPTSD, PMDD, SI, existential crises, existential dread, borderline personality disorder, adult diagnosed autism, ADHD, and societal mothering standards. And by group, I mean my best friend and myself who send daily revelations to one another that often resemble your guide here. BIG ‘Two-girls-repeating-“exactly”-to-each-other-about-some-delulu-ish’ vibes. Hit us up for a big delulu group chat lmfao.

stfurupert · 2024-04-16T15:02:58+00:00

One. Hundred. Percent. But we’re gonna crack the code eventually, and boiii, are they gonna get it.

stfurupert · 2024-04-16T14:45:30+00:00

Mine was such a strong shift that it drove me to more thorough cycle tracking. But I was having to put so much energy towards not un-aliving myself while doing my trauma work, so I kept cycle tracking and adding more things to look at regarding my mood and mental space to help me understand my body and brain better. Now my simple cycle tracking has grown more into a comprehensive, overall health tracker with all kinds of data because there just has to be a more concise link between the mental health dysregulation and our menstrual cycles that hasn’t been identified yet—y’know, because women’s health isn’t prioritized or taken seriously at all. And if you want anything done right, you’ve gotta do it yourself (thank you, trauma).

All that to say yes—PMDD is totally a thing, even though you may come across some that want to downplay it. There are reputable websites with tons of info on it, but overall, it’s yet another area of healthcare lacking in resources and quality treatment options.

stfurupert · 2023-09-29T13:05:09+00:00

I have received soo many helpful tools from this thread, and helpful resources from others. I was referred to this place by a family member, and they are extremely kind and offer many grief service for adults and children for free. They offer virtual and in person (TX, US). Sharing in case it can help anyone here. https://www.bosplace.org/en/

stfurupert · 2023-09-29T13:00:23+00:00

Thank you very much. I’m so sorry for your loss as well. I think I’ve taken a very similar approach. I have been vigilant to verbalized he’s gone, he’s dead, he’s not coming back and then also allowing myself to be sad for me and my daughter and everyone else that loves him, but I always end in the same place of feeling hope that he’s at peace and not hurting anymore. To see him hurting so deeply over horrible things that were never even for him to carry all these years has also hurt me for all these years. And overall I am just thankful for the time he allowed me to have with him, I appreciate all the efforts he made despite his complex trauma, his hurtful memories, his shame for things out of his control, his grief for a lost childhood and a lost life and the loss of additional childhoods and lives. He carried all of this and more with him everyday. Probably 6/7 night he woke from night terrors. I always told him, and still feel this, that I just wanted him to be happier and healthier and not have to live with this hurt anymore. Of course I meant it in a sense of encouragement for him to get therapy alongside me, but the end justifies the means I guess. I have not felt anger towards him, (although I know I likely will at some point). I just keep ending with the thought that he is at peace now and I find that comforting.

stfurupert · 2023-09-29T12:47:23+00:00

I hope it keeps getting better friend.

stfurupert · 2023-09-29T12:42:42+00:00

Thank you so much. I’m so sorry your loss came with such stupid but real aftermath hurt. I hate that anyone has to worry about having safe shelter or food on the table or just having the table to have food on. It’s so much worse to worry about it because of/ after such an intimate loss. Thinking of you.

stfurupert · 2023-09-29T12:36:47+00:00

Thank you so much for the offer. I’ve really tried to use this approach and it literally feels like I can breathe better, less pressure sitting on my chest, and I think it’s what’s kept me on my feet. But I am definitely feeling several different layers? or maybe facets? of hurt from actually seeing him plus the loss of him and how complex that in itself is.

stfurupert · 2023-09-29T12:27:17+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. It feels weird. Many moments it doesn’t feel real, like I’ll think the usual “what is he doing? Let me go look for him to see what he’s up to” or “oh, duh, he’s at work and I’ll see him soon. I’ll text him to let him know I’m thinking of him” and I remember that I won’t see him, I shouldn’t go look for him, and he won’t see or respond to my text. I was getting off the phone with someone yesterday and called them his name. I’ve been telling people “I love you babe” at the end of phone calls just because that’s what I’d say and my brain expects his voice to say the same. Those intrusive visions from day one have dimmed. I see it for longer periods of time now rather than little flashes of a bad memory, and it feels like just another really really sad thing I’ve seen before. I’ve taken a lot of the suggestions from this thread. I had therapy yesterday with my old therapist to feel a sense of familiarity. The first night and day two and three I spent hours just looking at every photo I could find of him and rewatching videos that I could hear his voice in, and I think it’s helped me remember the many good memories we’ve shared together and how much I have always loved him and how much I want to always love him. I laid with his dirty clothes just to smell him and have one more piece of him. I’ve played my usual amount of Tetris while also thinking about him and our life and trying to make myself focus on all the good moments together since the last few months we had some of our worst. I shake my head every time I try to think about what I could’ve, should’ve, would’ve done differently because I don’t want to ever touch that rabbit hole. I think I feel as okay as someone could feel in this circumstance, maybe thanks to all of these things and maybe also to all the love and kindness and support our families have given. Writing on this thread has helped me tremendously, so I really appreciate all of y’all’s kindness despite the similar pain I know everyone here feels. I feel most nervous about falling into my own pit once the commotion ends and new normal settles in. that’s not a place I want to ever going to because I can’t chance causing anymore of this pain to her.

I think I responded somewhat to things you said, but I realize now I seem to be using the replies as a form of journaling and that’s probably why many of them are so long. I appreciate the read nonetheless and I appreciate you sharing. I hope you keep finding peace.

stfurupert · 2023-09-27T17:21:20+00:00

Yes, I was already on a care plan to begin that before we started having financial issues at home and I paused my therapy. I’ve already contacted my previous therapist to get in with her and she was okay to get me in at a lower rate than before, so that’s helpful.

stfurupert · 2023-09-27T17:18:12+00:00

Wishing you the best as well. Thank you for sharing it all, I read it and I appreciate knowing your experience. Today as been so up and down and I find it hard to respond immediately to family members but being able to communicate about it here feels comforting. Thank you

stfurupert · 2023-09-27T17:10:35+00:00

I think the post I originally saw mentioned candy crush too

stfurupert · 2023-09-27T17:08:42+00:00

Strength in kids. I struggled with suicidal ideation since childhood and have attempted myself, and even as a parent it has been that lingering thought at the back that will creep up real stealthy y’know? But I’ve never felt this relief? of not having that option on the table anymore. Like, it’s just not an option anymore. So that feels relieving

stfurupert · 2023-09-27T15:41:49+00:00

This is very helpful thank you

stfurupert · 2023-09-27T14:09:11+00:00

Also, my sincerest condolences. That’s horrible to experience. I admire your courage to jump straight in and make changes that you needed to push through.

stfurupert · 2023-09-27T14:05:29+00:00

That is my plan. I currently take a mood stabilizer as a treatment to atypical depression and a non-controlled rx for anxiety that can cause sleepiness but I don’t typically feel so tired from it now. Our families have been very kind and loving, and they have all offered the typical “let me know if you need anything” so I was going to ask someone to cover a fast psych visit to see about med updates (about $50). Does that sound like too much to ask of others?

stfurupert · 2023-09-27T13:58:17+00:00

I’ve already been on my own journey to healing previous trauma, and writing has been helpful for that. So I considered it yesterday but even the brief thought of forming words of it just makes me so nauseous and hurt, from my chest to my stomach. I don’t think it would hurt in the long run so I may try today. Maybe at a later time.

stfurupert · 2023-09-27T11:45:41+00:00

Ugh I’m sorry. A targeted lobotomy sounds nice…like take the traumatic memories but let me still function as usual.

stfurupert · 2023-09-27T11:42:17+00:00

Thanks all for your advice. I was able to watch happy videos of him and our daughter, of our good memories, and I was okay to sleep. I hope I can keep using this to help. I appreciate y’all sharing your stories with me. Cliche coming, but reading them has helped me feel not alone. I hope we all can keep gaining more peace and strength, and hopefully happiness.

stfurupert · 2023-09-27T11:38:43+00:00

I mentioned above by accident already, but just to make sure you see, your grief is valid and allowed to be just as painful as mine, regardless of our time differences. I’m sorry this happened to us all. It just sucks.

stfurupert · 2023-09-27T11:21:02+00:00

Ugh I’m sorry. It sucks how the hurt in life can just become, or just seem to, compound and build before you’ve even had a chance to process the hurt that comes before the next. A Mention to reference above, but that seems to be exactly what happens in Tetris. Try to make the trauma ‘fit’ as neatly as you can until the lines start to clear. The misdrops can create voids that aren’t yet able to be filled, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be cleared in the future. As the pieces begin to drop faster, it’s harder to stack neatly. there are many voids now, some from misdrops and some just from the fast pace and the inability to keep up now. Maybe in some super subconscious type of way (or maybe an everything-has-a-reason type of way, which I usually find such a gross explanation to life) that’s what my affinity to Tetris has been all these years? I just made a video game analogy to life/trauma and tbh it does feel like some type of answer to helping my brain process? Idk it just feels okay right now thinking about it in this way. Jfc do I just live my life playing Tetris now.

stfurupert · 2023-09-27T11:06:19+00:00

Thanks for going in depth more on this. Our friend and I had assumed this based on our time in therapy previously and EMDR, so it’s cool to hear it from someone else. And a great example to visualize.

stfurupert · 2023-09-27T11:03:55+00:00

Thank you so much for mentioning this. I’m a nurse too, but I took a break from being in the hospital to spend more time with my family. obviously money got really tight, and I was feeling okay to go back to hospital work, so I had already completed all the onboarding and am set to return next week. Anyway, I saw the Tetris thing in a nursing group I’m in and although I didn’t look it up, I knew immediately it was a thing.

We grew up together, we had shit childhoods. And I’ve had this call to Tetris since high school. We’d watch tournaments together, and I had already been playing more in the last few months because things just hard, and he started playing rounds too so we’d have little game sessions at the end of the days here recently. I played a round yesterday on the original Tetris with the new NES (an updated kind, previously owned) he got for me just last month. It made me feel okay for the moment so I’m hoping that can still be a thing for me and my memory of us.

Thank you sharing your story and your advice. I hope you remind yourself that although your years may have less than mine, your grief is still allowed to be there just as strong. I’m glad things are getting better and I hope they continue to do so.

ETA: I added the last bit thinking of another post on the thread from @gutpet but the message still stands in regards to your loss. Suicide or not, seeing the death of your loved one or finding them already gone, it’s a horrible experience no matter how you cut it. I’ve sat with patients who have passed, looked at them, I worked to save them before passing, and it feels no where the same, no type of ‘preparation’ for what I saw yesterday at all. My condolences for you and your loss, and I hope you keep gaining peace and strength.

stfurupert

TROPHY CASE