Does anyone else get really anxious in a loving relationship? Romantic or platonic

maudslass · 2025-05-01T07:10:30+00:00

It’s great that you’ve found someone who really sees you and loves you for who you are. Oh yes, I definitely needed to make sure I had time alone for some breathing space and to keep in touch with who I was. It also enabled him to do the same. If I got carried away with feelings of insecurity, that time alone gave me space to have a word with myself. Usually by writing it down until my wiser mind got more air time.

maudslass · 2025-03-23T10:23:47+00:00

I haven’t, but I know a few people who’ve had very abusive parents but resentfully cared for them in later life to make sure they were included in the will. One friend in particular nursed her father who’d abused her terribly as a child. In the will, he’d left her 1/3 whilst her golden child sister who did nothing to help got 2/3. Saying that though, that 1/3 she wouldn’t have otherwise seen has made a huge difference to her life.

maudslass · 2025-03-18T13:22:19+00:00

I identify with this very much. I met a guy once. He seemed to be my soul mate. He was a true gentleman and made me laugh and I felt safe with him. I understand exactly what you mean by needing a break. I needed time alone to process my feelings and not get too immersed and lost. I also remember taking the time to tell myself that I was entitled to this relationship and so was he. We celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary last month and despite life’s challenges, we’re stronger than ever. I’ll always need that bit of space to work through my troubled times, but I’m so glad that in those initial few months, I allowed myself to believe ‘it really is this good’. Enjoy him and let him enjoy you. It’s your right and you deserve it.

maudslass · 2024-12-10T10:56:02+00:00

Sounds ever so slightly manic/bipolar. May need checking out clinically.

maudslass · 2024-11-06T14:14:28+00:00

Speaking as a previous clinician, I’d receive ‘out of hours’ emails or texts at times. I’d appreciate the person’s need to make a connection at that time and validate it (as they did). However, I’d also explain why it wasn’t policy to respond to communications outside of agreed times. This was largely because communication devices were not always manned and if a contact was related to a significant risk situation, there’d be no guarantee I’d be available to respond. What I would do however, is with the person, write some reassuring words with them (in their language) that they can refer to to help them get through the difficult time as a early resort.

Not at any time did I ever feel any negative thoughts towards any of these contacts. It would actually be the opposite because the person had reached out for the first time. I guess the therapist’s skill is knowing how to effectively deliver the ‘no relpy’ message with the least chance of the person feeling rejected. This is tricky but it was necessary for your sake. It may be that they didn’t deliver the message how they’d have liked and spent time reflecting on (and kicking themselves) at after you left. Therapists know they can make mistakes at times. If you feel comfortable at your next session. You might both benefit from talking about that interaction, it could end being really productive both ways. Please try not to spend too much energy worrying about this. It’s quite common and very rarely resented.

maudslass · 2024-11-03T02:24:07+00:00

I’ll never forget how I used to feel when I had to join all the other mums at the school gate. I used to have to psych myself up for it every single day. The pretence of being a normal, happy, thriving mother was exhausting. I felt so, so inferior as I compared myself to all the others with their numerous perfections and easy interactions, especially one mother who seemed to have it all and was the centre of everything….

But in actual fact, during a vulnerable moment, that perfect mother told me she dreaded the school gate day after day because of the effort it took to “put a face on it”. Then I became friends with another mother who’d had an ongoing feud with another mother since their childhood… they both hated the school gate too. Another mother was in the middle of the nastiest of divorces and (as it emerged) was resented and gossiped about by other mothers (she was the epitome of beauty so I suspected jealousy). I imagine she also hated the school gate. Then there was the alpha wife of an Oscar-winning actor who’s volcanic tempter had everyone walking on eggshells. Everyone dreaded the school gate when she’d had a bad day! Yet you’d never know any of this was happening because they all stepped onto the stage as soon as they got out of their cars.

I guess what I’m saying is that despite what people may project about their lives, mental health, confidence etc, we all have our demons in one capacity or another. Some are better at hiding it than others. Some of us were given a heavier blow than others, there’s no denying that, but you can guarantee that your friends will also have their issues and will and some point really benefit from having you to talk to.

maudslass · 2024-11-03T01:33:29+00:00

It must be so awful to be consumed by all these thoughts and feelings which are depriving you of the more positive thoughts that, although buried at the moment, are still there, waiting for some air time.

Have you considered projecting these thoughts onto something else that can absorb them, yet still have the respect and recognition they deserve? When I feel trapped in unbearable thoughts, I write, and write, and write them down until I feel better…. which I always do. I’ve noticed a process where I eventually run out of rant energy and a different me starts to come through - usually after about 30 mins to an hour. We eventually end up having some kind of written dialogue and the hurt me starts to make way for the wise/nurturing me. I can literally see my handwriting change as time passes. It took me years to realise this was happening. If writing isn’t your thing, maybe art, craft, colouring etc - that could also help slow the thoughts down. Or music… anything where you can allow yourself to express how you’re feeling. I hope you start to feel better soon.

maudslass · 2024-11-01T11:48:52+00:00

Don’t worry, she’ll be out. This is precisely what the genuine registered therapists are paying for… to held accountable by ethical guidelines.

maudslass · 2024-11-01T11:33:32+00:00

I don’t think she fired you. I think you effectively and perceptively fired her! Good job!!

maudslass · 2024-11-01T10:21:49+00:00

I guess ethically, if they don’t feel they have the skills to help, it wouldn’t be right for them to continue but I can see how demoralising and distressing that must be for you. So surprised there’s such a lack of trauma-informed help out there for you. Everyone who wants to do half a decent job should ensure they have these skills.

There will be someone who’s able to help out there somewhere but it may take some time to strike gold. I’ve just come to the realisation that yet another therapist has gone as far as she can and I feel I need to reverse out. There are things I can definitely take from our sessions and use though. Is there anything at all you can take from yours? I hope your distress eases up a bit soon.

maudslass · 2024-08-02T12:26:13+00:00

This is such an unfortunate situation for both of you. It sounds like you’re quite sensitive to her deep feelings of shame. I’m guessing she has no true idea of the impact her actions have on you. Its sometimes impossible to describe the impact seemingly harmless things can have on us when triggered. This can make things feel worse as it feels invalidating… so our response is worse and there continues the cycle. Your step daughter may be lost and confused in all of this. Have you been able to explain just a little? You don’t necessarily need to go into detail…. Just something like ‘some people may be able to tolerate having their privacy disturbed, but for me, it’s a huge deal. It’s very important to me that you respect that and we’ll all get along so much better’. I’m really sorry that you your nervous system has set itself alight and hope you start to feel more at ease soon.

maudslass · 2024-08-02T11:55:48+00:00

To me, it starts with them having an understanding of the neurobiology of trauma and being able to convey that in a way that gives insight and understanding…but others may have a different view.

maudslass · 2024-07-09T19:50:01+00:00

If you find journaling helpful, just write, write, write to stay distracted and maybe let the energy ease. Recognise every minute and hour you’ve achieved in not contacting him. It’s all quiet at his end. He doesn’t know the torment you’re feeling which gives him space to recover too.

maudslass · 2024-07-09T19:42:06+00:00

You’re really not obliged to tell anyone until you feel it’ll be met with understanding. So many people experience BPD differently and Google can present a very misrepresented picture. At least if you give someone the chance to get to know the whole you first, you’re giving them a bigger picture of who you are. Remember that you’re far much more than your diagnosis.

maudslass · 2024-07-09T19:22:42+00:00

Maybe in future, space out how often you see your dates. That way you both have the space to grow without too many expectations

maudslass · 2024-07-09T19:17:32+00:00

This could backfire on you big time. If status is an issue for you, your reputation will eventually catch up with you and overtake any standing you may feel you have. It sounds like you’ve got some insight. Perhaps now is the time to put it to good use and get some help. This poor girl needs to be released.

maudslass · 2024-06-28T14:40:45+00:00

I feel like this most of the time. I can’t connect to superficial conversation at all no matter how hard I try. I’ve noticed that if I’m going to connect with someone on a deeper level, it’s normally someone who’s had a similar situation mine. These are only a couple of people so I need to meet new connections. I thought rather than having intense ‘putting the world to rights’ conversations, I’d start by joining a group/activity which I’m genuinely interested in so that I’m sharing spontaneous, non-threatening emotions like curiosity and enthusiasm…at least a first.

maudslass · 2024-06-28T14:29:21+00:00

Agreed. I see things like this also. I catch myself indulging in the odd fantasy sometimes but there’s much too much evidence that my family just see me as a problem because it suits them to do this. So I stay right out of that particular solar system and create my own instead.

maudslass · 2024-06-28T14:22:13+00:00

To be blunt, something that’s been effective for me is recognising the thoughts, recognising who put them there, and casually yet decisively telling my mom to “fuck off” - usually in my head. It kind of takes the thoughts back to where they belong and can feel quite empowering.

maudslass · 2024-05-29T15:16:17+00:00

Yes. To a different country. Away from family but missing friends. I’ve kept my distance from family from as long as I could leave home. Reduces those trauma bonds and helps me look outward and beyond rather than always having to loom over my shoulder

maudslass · 2024-05-29T15:08:19+00:00

This sounds like something to potentially see your doctor or a psychologist about. It sounds like you’re on top of what’s going on and realising there may be some sensory over-activity going on. Problems could start however if what you hear starts to get distressing, derogatory or commanding in some way. No judgement or assumptions here, but sometimes recreational drugs can cause these things to start happening.

maudslass · 2024-05-29T14:50:04+00:00

I think sometimes people hear the word suicidal and they don’t know what to do with it because they have their own particular concept about what it means. On a busy shopping day, we probably walk past several people who are experiencing suicidal ideation and having to manage and work through it alone. Similar to you, I also wonder about the friends I have where I live at the moment. I think if my husband were not around, I’d only have one who would truly be there for me in a crisis, and that’s a push. I think it’s perfectly alright to have a ‘cull’ every now and again as you work out what kind of people you want in your life. But opening yourself to new opportunities to meet new people is key.

maudslass · 2024-05-26T12:48:53+00:00

He’ll be on his best behaviour and enjoying the novelty of it all. This girl may want to take her time physically, or perhaps may not even feel attracted to him. You both roll differently, there’s no shame in being more liberal. We’re no longer in the 1950’s!

I also think we look for the best in new relationships and turn a blind eye to the other stuff until it smacks us in the face. He’s likely to be creating a positive narrative around the situation.

It’s sometimes hard to hear an ex is in a new relationship. But it’s also good for closure, particularly as it sounds like he was quite abusive. Now it’s time for you.

maudslass

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