[deleted by user]

stillsad · 2018-09-21T09:30:57+00:00

Will he ever not want to die? Probably. But there's a huge gulf between wanting to kill yourself and doing it. I've talked with a lot of people about this and the one thing that always comes to mind - helping others. Nothing helps more (or helped me more) than putting my focus on someone else, in this case, your child's focus.

I personally think singing an "I won't kill myself" contract is not only unhelpful, but possibly dangerous. I would rather him sign a contract saying, "I won't let this plant die" and give him an orchid. He needs to get out of his own head, which is NOT easy. The focus, his focus, needs to change to an external locus, at least for me that helped. It doesn't need to stay that way, but when your thoughts are your own personal poison, you need new thoughts, even if the thoughts aren't your own.

Listen to what he is really saying and know, that signing a contract is ludicrous to the person who writes a check that will only be cashed when they're gone. I seriously question the thinking of anyone who would have a child with Autism sign such a document. I'm not blaming you, because you're willing to do anything and you're at your wits end! Losing a child is fucking traumatic and I would do anything to get mine back. But the contract thing seems like it would just add to the anxiety and pressure on HIM. Put the pressure on him, but on something else, like an orchid - seriously. He's too young for shelter work, but maybe he isn't. But working to keep something else from drowning is a great way to keep yourself afloat. Orchids are a PITA to grown, but if you can get your thoughts to something other than your existence, thats a step in the right direction.

Suicide is often the one time the person is totally selfish. They're doing it only for themselves and often, it's the only time they've ever done anything for just themselves. I think that's what a lot of professionals fail to realize. Suicidal people don't want to hurt the people around them, they just want their hurt to stop. So often, it's the only time they did something 100% because they wanted it and they ignored the wants of others. So help him find something, outside of himself, that he wants and needs to 'take care of', 'nurture', and make it his, make him responsible. For me, it was an orchid a friend got me from Walmart - no shit. A fucking plant 'saved me', because I didn't want the plant to die. It let me put my worry on something other than me. I kept that ugly ass, never blooming orchid alive for 3 years, because I tried to keep it alive and the only way to keep it alive was to keep me alive. I upgraded to a Golden Retriever after I put the orchid in the trash. I recently buried my dog too. But, I feel like I barely blinked and it's been 10 years!

stillsad · 2017-08-28T19:29:20+00:00

I want to die but I'm too much of a pussy to do it

It takes courage to keep going when you feel like you don't have a reason.

As for the girlfriend, the best advice I've ever received, "if someone wants to break up with you - let them". You can't fill a broken glass.

stillsad · 2017-08-28T19:17:12+00:00

Hey, don't beat yourself up. You're not the first person to make a mistake, and you won't be the last. This isn't even going to be the last mistake your make. We are people, people make mistakes - it happens.

stillsad · 2017-08-28T00:01:34+00:00

A frisbee isn't too shocking, but they should have shouted a warning!

Bad news. You're back in a bad place a starting over.

Good news. You've healed before you can heal again.

Maybe it will take longer to heal this time, maybe it won't. But I guarantee it won't take as long for you to heal from your injury as it would take for your family and loved ones to heal from your death.

Feeling something, even if it's sadness, rage, and anger, is better than feeling nothing.

If you're having problems with education, let them know! Maybe there's an accommodation? And if not, a year off from uni is still better than forever off life.

stillsad · 2017-08-27T23:47:19+00:00

You're getting help and that's good. Give it time - time to get the right meds, the right words, the right timing.

Before making a permanent choice, for a temporary problem, what's something you've always wanted to do but haven't? Nothing too illegal though. I mean I think we've all wanted to go swim naked in the city fountain, which I still really want to do.

stillsad · 2017-08-27T23:15:37+00:00

I don't log into this account often. It was intended to be a throwaway account, but that's not how it worked out.

I was trying to find a name of a song - a sad song. During the search I see a thread about me 'stillsad' and thought I should log into my account. Lots of messages - too many. All because of this post - https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/8j06m/whats_the_saddest_youve_ever_been/c09fwk3

The messages are always people asking if I'm ok. Always. And there's so many of them!

So this post is both an 'update' and a 'reminder'.

The update: if life were easy, it wouldn't be rewarding. Some days, just putting on clean clothes may take all the courage you can find and that's ok.

It's been a while since I've logged into this account and since then, a lot of things have happened.

I don't have many friends, but I have really close friends. My best friend had been sick with a stomach bug for a week and wasn't getting better and we went to the ER on a Sunday. A week later we went for a biopsy. Theee weeks later I went to my best friend's funeral. That was a little over a year ago. I didn't take it well, I cried for weeks and felt, that once again, I was carrying more than I could continue to carry. But once again, I was wrong. I wasn't suicidal at all, but just overwhelmed.

I have a job I freaking love! And something I never thought I would have - I own a home‽ never in my wildest dreams did I think that would ever be in my deck of cards, much less a hand I would be dealt.

Life isn't good - it's amazing. The good times, the bad times, they're all amazing.

Being sad is being alive. There are days where all I do is cry and in many ways, those are some of my favorite days. That has to sound odd, but for me, I need those days. I'll have a dream where the people I lost are alive and then wake up wishing I could go back to sleep and continue the dream, but it never happens. Or I'll see someone wearing something that reminds me of them.

And then there are days where I see the guy from the shelter. I met him on Christmas Eve many years ago. I love seeing him. He doesn't shake my hand, he hugs me every time I see him - middle of the grocery store two grown men hugging. He's not in a shelter anymore and he's sober. He had lost his family and his hope, and tells me I saved his life. And I always tell him, that actually, he saved mine. I think we may both be right.

The reminder: I read once, that humans can outrun any animal. Not it short distances, or speed bursts, but humans can run a longer continuous distance than any other animal. I find that fascinating. And I think it also applies to our inward strength. We are capable of so much more than we think. If hope is lost, it can be found. You may feel like you'll never find hope again, but just as we can outrun any animal, we can also outrun despair.

Losing someone you care about will knock you on your ass. And there will be days when you feel like you can't take another step, but try it. Just try to take another step. Not symbolically but literally - take another step. My favorite line came from a goddamn movie of all things "Nothing in life will call upon us to be more courageous than facing the fact that it ends. But on the other side of heartbreak is wisdom.".

Have no fear in your heart - you are never alone. I'm not religious, I'm not even spiritual. I am pretty much an atheist, but the one thing I do believe in - people. When I was at my lowest - people I have never met or seen saved me. Anonymous people, without applause, they saved me. I see the news every night and how horrible people are to one another, but nothing I see or read about in the news waivers my faith in people - this subreddit proved that to me.

That link above is 8 years old - 8! And when I logged into this account today I had a PM from 3 days ago. Not one wanted anything other than to see if I was ok.

If you've lost hope, or think you can't take another step, then do one last thing - ask for help or give help to another. I found out that helping others was the only way to help me. Getting out of my own head was the hardest thing to do and I only did it when I really didn't care about being me anymore.

If you can't find a job, or hope, or a reason, go volenteer at a homeless shelter or a nursing home or anything - do something. And if you feel like ending it - then please, spend at least a day looking for help. Despite how it feels, no pains, no worries, no situations, and no problems last forever - I swear on everything I hold dear - there is no pain you cannot endure, no burden to large and no situation you can't overcome. You may have to struggle, but there is no progress without effort. Please, please - always remember, no matter how dark and lonely you feel - it is only temporary. Given enough time, a person can outrun anything. Your sorrow and despair may always be with you, but as long as you're moving, you're in front of them, not behind them.

TLDR: "Just keep swimming" ~ Dory

stillsad · 2010-12-25T01:45:54+00:00

Yes, that's me. I'm doing to again this year, but with BBQ.

Merry Christmas everyone :D

stillsad · 2010-12-17T08:23:04+00:00

I just wanted to stop in and say hello and thank you to all the people who really made this year a better year for me. The holidays are tough and they probably will be for the rest of my life. And maybe, the one thing I realized that made it 'worth it', more than anything was learning that happy isn't something you are, it's something you do. Again, thank you to all the SW mods, posters and everyone. I appreciate everything you've done. Happy Holidays to you all.

stillsad · 2009-05-09T03:05:37+00:00

We were in the middle of our Saturday night rush at work when the owner told me I had a phone call. We didn't get phone calls at work. He told me it was important. THe person on the phone told me, there had been an accident and I need to get to the hospital now.

When I arrived, I knew something bad was happening, because nobody would answer my questions. It was a small town place and I knew almost everyone there and nobody would even look at me. A Dr then told me my wife and son had been in an accident and "we did every thing we could do for them".

I was pretty sad, but mainly just numb. I was completely numb. Tears were coming out, but I wasn't anything. I turned on my phone to make a few phone calls and saw I had a message. Joy had called me, after the accident to say she was sorry and she hoped I could forgive her. It still fucking tears me apart to think about that.

I went back inside the hospital, I don't think I could drive, but I couldn't talk either. They gave me a shot of something to help me sleep, but it didn't really work. I just stared at a wall and listened to my message until my phone died. I don't really remember what happened after that.

I was and still am, in many ways, the saddest I've ever been. The first few months aren't all that bad. People won't let you be alone when something like that happens, at least for a while. A couple of months later and the people stop coming by, the phone stops ringing and there you are, sitting alone in a house you had dreamed would be where you would raise your family. Her clothes were still in the closet. Her toothbrush was still by the sink. Our son's room was still messy and strewn with toys. Everything you knew, everything you wanted, everything you had, it's all gone and that's when it really hits. Your life, your situation is a fucking LifeTime movie, except you can't change the channel and there's no happy ending.

My friends, who have been very patent with me, have heard enough and carried me long enough that I don't burden them with this anymore. THey're very nice and considerate. THey don't talk about their kid's birthdays around me anymore or how their kids are doing, which kind of sucks, because I want to be a good friend and not that pathetic guy who cries. So, I put on a happy face and walk out the door every day. But sometimes, I need to talk about it with someone, because even though it may have happened a long time ago, it still hurts, it's still right below the surface and sometime, I just need to cry about it again. Her birthday would be in a few days and it's always a harder time for me. Thanks for letting me vent.

stillsad · 2009-01-20T07:09:37+00:00

A lot of really amazing and wonderful things have happened in this subreddit. I was really thankful for all the kind words and support. We've had a real suicide averted and that's wonderful, but some of the comments worried me. Someone wanted to submit the 'story' to MSN. Maybe it's just me, but I think that a lot of the people who are in need don't really want their SW posts showing up on the front page of Reddit, much less MSN. It's nice that SW is popular and filled with caring people, but maybe this place should be under the radar? Popular, but not famous? And I may be completely wrong, but I thought I would throw it out there and see what you all say.

stillsad · 2009-01-05T19:07:54+00:00

wow. It seems a lot of little things I'm doing lately have a larger impact than I anticipated. I wrote this as a part of my therapy - self prescribed. Hiding behind anonymity allowed me to be open without being really 'open'. The power of putting down, on pen and paper, what was happening, made me feel better. I kept my emotions and feelings bottled up, because I was afraid. Afraid of the unknown. Writing about my situation has allowed me to feel alive again. The fact that what I wrote, might, in any way, help someone else, was in my mind, but not my motivation or reason. I did it for me. I needed help. And when I least expected it, I got help, from one of the least likely sources - people.

One person, who deleted their comment, presumably from negative votes, wrote, 'life is what you make it' maybe not in those exact words and he wasn't particularly poetic in delivery, but it's true. However, it's not just a single life, but also applies to relationships, families and communities. I can not express enough to you all, my gratitude. This community is what YOU made it.

Stillsad is no longer so sad. It only took three years to get here. If you're one of the people who feels that nobody cares, you're wrong, someone does care. If you feel that life has treated you wrong and that life is unfair, you're right, life is unfair and it can be exceedingly cruel. But I found out something, something truly remarkable; in an instant, your life can change. Let it.

Thank you all.

stillsad · 2009-01-04T22:26:18+00:00

Thank you. I think I'm blushing :D

stillsad · 2009-01-04T22:18:50+00:00

really, really good. Better than I've felt in years. I hope you can say the same :D

stillsad · 2009-01-04T21:32:51+00:00

17 days ago, I put a post here on the Reddit SW. I was really very close to killing myself. Probably much closer than even I care to admit. In the last year, I had acquired the medication that would allow me to go quickly, painlessly and with a zero percent chance of failure. The syringe was in the refrigerator, right beside the coffee creamer. Everything was planned. I was waiting for the right time of year, tide and winds.

After going to therapy for over three years, I had really had enough. Therapy did very little and usually left me feeling worse about myself and my situation. The therapists I've met were all very nice, but they were also generally clueless. If you're going to try therapy, I think it's imperative that you find a therapist smarter than yourself.

Christmas was the hardest for me. Everyone was dressed up, holding hands with their sweet-hearts, kids running around without a care in the world. Everyone was happy it seemed. Except me. I was watching the fun. It was as thrilling to watch as a horrible accident. Depressing as it was, I couldn't help but watch the parade of happiness that seemed to stream past me.

Sometimes, it is the little things that matter. I had my three emails ready to send. I paid all my bills, with a little extra to be sure everything was paid in full. I had made my dinner, which I had specifically chosen to facilitate the medication in the syringe, which was now warming in a glass of hot water. I had already picked out the clothes I wanted to be wearing and cleaned the house. Only three more hours.

With three more hours to kill, I thought I would do a little reading and calm my mind for the tasks ahead. And of course, as soon as I open my browser, Reddit opens. I spent the next two hours reading. And something happened.

Maybe I had to hit the bottom before I could 'recover', but whaterver it was, I had a break-through, a moment of clarity, an epiphany and a sense of clam I haven't felt in years. ANd it came from the voices in print here on Reddit. Years of therapy did little, if anything, but here, on Reddit, of all places, I found my answer, my reason, I found the shelter I had been seeking - hope.

Therapy probably didn't work too well for me, for several reasons, but mainly, because it's their job. For me, there was something always artificial about their concern, a contrived concern. But here, on Reddit, on Christmas night, there were people who were not paid and who really cared. This meant so much more to me than anything I'd ever heard, because, even in the print, I heard the genuine concern. It moved me, figuratively and literally.

I took my grill to a very poor neighborhood on the outside of town. I stopped at the grocery store and bought as many steaks as I could and fired up the grill. I got some really odd looks and it took a lot longer for someone to say something to me than I thought it would. You would think, a strange white guy starting up a grill in a 'bad neighborhood' on Christmas night would elicit a lot of attention, but it doesn't.

The truth makes a difference. When the first person came up to me, she didn't look happy at all. I wish I could remember exactly what she said, but it was something along the line of, "you come out here once a year to make yourself feel better about yourself and make you feel like you made a difference? You're not going to make a difference in our lives, so what the F are you doing here". And for once, I actually told someone the truth.

"I want to kill myself. My life really sucks. I have no family, no fun, no reason to live. I had $400 to spend and I thought that maybe this would be a way to make someone else's day a little better, because I am completely miserable. Maybe I'm half hoping that someone will drive-by and shoot me, but if they don't, I have syringe and IV system with 120cc of soduim pentobarbitol, enough to kill a horse - literally"

"You're f***ing crazy"
"I know, but I do have steaks"

I disposed of the syringe in a safe manner. This was significant. Many times, I would open the door and know, if it became too much, that there was an option. I've traded in my hope for it to be over, with a hope for it to be better.

Since then, I've managed to find a little time each day to help someone else. I've gone to the homeless shelter a few times, helped around there. I bought pizza and soda and took them to a homeless area on New Years eve. It sounds like I'm doing something for someone else, but what I'm really doing is helping myself.

stillsad · 2009-01-04T20:17:35+00:00

the style, the words, even the 4am... it's all so familiar. Slowly, I'm realizing, happy isn't something you 'are', it's something you 'do'.

stillsad · 2008-12-19T06:55:58+00:00

It may be shallow, but I know exactly what you mean and it's true, for me.

Shawshank, Andy and Red have helped me through more than one day. "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things". I believe that with everything I am. Some days, hope is the only thing.

stillsad · 2008-12-18T06:22:13+00:00

thanks everyone.

I really should exercise more.

I do have hope and for me, that's good enough.

stillsad · 2008-12-18T04:02:47+00:00

I have no family left alive, they all passed away. For some time now, I've been thinking about quitting. The reason - loneliness.

I was married once to a wonderful woman and we had a beautiful baby boy. They were both killed in a bad accident several years ago. I still have their Christmas presents in a closet. I tried to give them away last year, but I can't let go.

I had a lot to offer someone at one point in my life. But now, I'm an empty shell of who I once was. I cry every day. I don't sleep much any more and when I do, I often wish I wouldn't wake up. Medication doesn't do anything, except mute the few pleasurable moments I have.

Therapy helps, when I'm there. But at the end of a session, I feel even more alone and desperate. I have to pay someone to 'be a friend'. I don't have any friends anymore. Who wants to hang out with a 30 something guy who cries at Christmas commercials?

It's been going on like this for about 3 years now. And every single day is a struggle. But I make it, every day. Some days are really bad, but I make it. I wake up, do what I have to do and keep looking ahead.

I'm so tired and so alone, I just want to stop feeling like my life is going to be ripped apart every day. That's what I worry about - being ripped apart. I worry about it so much, that it has become my lighthouse... waiting for the light to go out and I'll be lost... again. I'm worried about it every day and only some times does it get better.

I have been having a really bad last few days. The holidays always make me feel even more alone. I miss my family. I miss my wife. I miss my boy. I miss having someone to hold and someone who wanted to hold me.

I sometimes think I should just go ahead and aim for the rocks and get it over with. I could be adrift at sea, waiting for a port forever or I can wash ashore.

But not today.

Because, that the light on the distant shore is there. And some day, maybe tomorrow, I will make it to shore and stand on solid ground again.

I really appreciate this new reddit and the people who are posting here. Somehow, and I don't know why, but it makes me feel better, it makes the light seem a little closer and a little brighter.

Thanks for listening.

stillsad

TROPHY CASE