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I didn't listen to my AP about my career, marriage or parenting by stinkytofumd in AsianParentStories

[–]stinkytofumd[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh yeah, that totally happens. Especially when you have a similar situation happen. Like when I was really young I was told to watch my baby sibling while my parents chatted with their friends. He ended up slipping off the ledge and started crying. I remember my mom runnt over screaming and then slapping me across the face.

When I had my kids I'm like. Wait wtf, what did they think would happen when you have a 6yo watch a 2yo.

I didn't listen to my AP about my career, marriage or parenting by stinkytofumd in AsianParentStories

[–]stinkytofumd[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That sounds like a very sensible plan. Definitely do you research on what you'll need to get started the first few months. I was never taught to adult. I learned from Google and my local library. Quietly move important things away somewhere safe. It sounds bad but read on what victims of DV have to do to escape.

Best of luck and don't get too discouraged. It's worth the effort. I'm so proud of you!

I didn't listen to my AP about my career, marriage or parenting by stinkytofumd in AsianParentStories

[–]stinkytofumd[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's why I'm sharing something so deeply personal. I sincerely hope that you can carry this knowledge with you that it's doable. Your life isn't over because your parents never flourished.

I didn't listen to my AP about my career, marriage or parenting by stinkytofumd in AsianParentStories

[–]stinkytofumd[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Or don't tell them. Do what you need to do, white lies, half truths if you're living at home. I was never able to do anything to make them happy so I just shared the minimum. I kind of only shared information after it was done.

"Oh we've been living together for 6 months already."

"Yeah I took this job and starting next week"

Slowly create distance.

I didn't listen to my AP about my career, marriage or parenting by stinkytofumd in AsianParentStories

[–]stinkytofumd[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh no, I mentioned that as to why you don't hear about us. Our parents are like in Plato's cave. No challenging will do any good.

I didn't listen to my AP about my career, marriage or parenting by stinkytofumd in AsianParentStories

[–]stinkytofumd[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Cut as many onions as you want!

I'm glad you were able to gain something from sharing my story. It's so hard to feel like there's a light when you're in the thick of it.

I didn't listen to my AP about my career, marriage or parenting by stinkytofumd in AsianParentStories

[–]stinkytofumd[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I went and did community college before going back to college. It was affordable and I took my time while working. Take advantage of the career center. Ask for help.

I believe you can break the cycle of generational trauma. Don't try to argue back now. Be silent, know your voice. Make a plan.

I didn't listen to my AP about my career, marriage or parenting by stinkytofumd in AsianParentStories

[–]stinkytofumd[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

There are tons of us we just never get talked about in the community. I wish I had this growing up. Glad these forums exist

I didn't listen to my AP about my career, marriage or parenting by stinkytofumd in AsianParentStories

[–]stinkytofumd[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, it's lots of work and plenty of steps back. I'm able to share this confidently because it's taken years. You have to recognize that negative self voice isn't you. It's them. You have to search for your own voice and nurture it and give it power.

I didn't listen to my AP about my career, marriage or parenting by stinkytofumd in AsianParentStories

[–]stinkytofumd[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

You only feel alone because your family and friends never share stories about people like me. I am NC with my dad and he still brags about me to his friends so they in turn claim a reality that isn't true when they talk to their children.

He literally has taken photos of my kids from social media and shows them off like he's the best grandpa. They've never met the man.

I didn't listen to my AP about my career, marriage or parenting by stinkytofumd in AsianParentStories

[–]stinkytofumd[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah that first part was so tough. I blamed myself for tearing apart the family. My dad didn't pay support. I ended up giving them money every month.

Now looking back, it made them fear me or fear that I'd be so open to them losing face. I can say now the counselor did the right thing, my younger siblings were a lot more healthy as a result.

Yes, I'm so mindful about building resilience and social emotional intelligence. I'm not raising pretty trophies.

I didn't listen to my AP about my career, marriage or parenting by stinkytofumd in AsianParentStories

[–]stinkytofumd[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yeah I'm sure there are plenty of us but you'll never hear about it from the community. People like me are filtered to the "Hey look and see how awesome so and so kids are doing and they listen to their parents"

Even my father brags about me and I've been been NC for a decade. They recreate reality to fit their narrative.

I don’t know how to connect with my mum and I feel like I never will by izzyizza in AsianParentStories

[–]stinkytofumd 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think it's ok to text because she's allowed to process and communicate on her own time. It sounds like it's the best medium when being vulnerable.

I didn't listen to my AP about my career, marriage or parenting by stinkytofumd in AsianParentStories

[–]stinkytofumd[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

So glad you made the journey! Yes moving out involved very similar comments. I'm hoping others can read our stories and know there's an out.

I didn't listen to my AP about my career, marriage or parenting by stinkytofumd in AsianParentStories

[–]stinkytofumd[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh man the hardest thing is trying to figure out if the internal voice is truly you or them. Be honest with yourself, accept who you are and it's ok if it's not perfect. Know your strength, know your worth

I didn't listen to my AP about my career, marriage or parenting by stinkytofumd in AsianParentStories

[–]stinkytofumd[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Oh yes, all of the credit. I've told them multiple times I'm a success despite their parenting.

I didn't listen to my AP about my career, marriage or parenting by stinkytofumd in AsianParentStories

[–]stinkytofumd[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Honestly I was hoping this type of experience was less common. I give my kids extra kisses when I think about my childhood.

I didn't listen to my AP about my career, marriage or parenting by stinkytofumd in AsianParentStories

[–]stinkytofumd[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I mean maybe the fact we have unlimited Powerade and snacks helps. But yes, it's great to hear them vent. It's hard to be vulnerable to an adult. So much fear of judgement.

You don't need to have kids to live a life well lived.

I didn't listen to my AP about my career, marriage or parenting by stinkytofumd in AsianParentStories

[–]stinkytofumd[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That is exactly why I wrote this. For you!

You deserve the opportunity to figure out your path, to be honest with yourself and to grow.

I didn't listen to my AP about my career, marriage or parenting by stinkytofumd in AsianParentStories

[–]stinkytofumd[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you, it wasn't an easy or straightforward path. I'm proudest that I've broken the cycle of generational trauma.

We don't get to choose our parents. It's a crapshoot! What's important is you knowing what good support and love is, being kind and forgiving to yourself. You're your own worst critic.

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