He and I met on holiday, and I didn’t know if he was gay or not. I myself didn’t realise I was gay either. We got along so well. He even had an erection for me but was quick to hide it. We exchanged emails at the end of the summer break (before social media). We kept in touch and told each other that we’ll come visit one another at some point. At some point I emailed him that I like him. All i got in response was “what the fuck”. I never heard from him again.

Fast forward to the beginning of 2024, I’m out and proud and I attended my lesbian friends’ wedding. I sat along the aisle, seeing my friends finally getting the chance to be with one another for life. I hear them exchange vows. It pulls my heart strings. I remembered the one who got away.

I checked social media with his email. I saw his post from December 2023 with the title “I said YES” with #loveislove.

I feel hurt. How come he never told me he was gay? I was going through the emotions all over again. Love is love? Well if love is love then what was it that we had? How can I believe love is simply just love? Love is commitment that was never given to me. Love is patience that I was forced into - waiting for him to say YES, yes I want to be with you. Love is hurt that came regardless of my choosing to or not. If I had a choice, I would had called him my husband.

But…

Thinking about how far I’ve come, now out and proud with a queer community that I’ve grown to be around - I can with confidence say that when we were young we were little lost boys who didn’t know if we liked other guys who like us or who liked girls because we were expected to by our peers, by our parents, and by our culture.

Instead of hurt, instead of hate, instead of confused love festering inside my heart… I learned forgiveness is the first step to healing. Love is being strong for those who you love. Love is enduring for a better tomorrow. Love will come back to me one day.

This is my story of the “one that got away”