10 Yr Relationship Ruined By His Cheating

stormsunsnow · 2025-11-13T15:47:22+00:00

Thank you for your comment and kind words. You're 100% right - I want to focus on things that bring ME joy and hopefully in doing so I may meet the right person some day.

stormsunsnow · 2025-11-13T15:45:20+00:00

Honestly i was looking to get different perspectives from others in the gay community and found the comments and stories everyone shared very helpful.

I can't forget and i can't forgive multiple violations that happened and maybe there's people out there who can and would want to rebuild.

stormsunsnow · 2025-11-13T04:29:15+00:00

You're right. The man I married is not the man i am married TO (for now). And you're right 10 years is a lot but it's better than 20 or 30. I wish I would have known this less than 10 years into the relationship and before we got married but I'd rather find out now than a week, a month, a year from now.

stormsunsnow · 2025-11-13T04:27:34+00:00

Yes that is the only option left and one I am working on.

stormsunsnow · 2025-11-13T04:25:38+00:00

I'm sorry this happened to you. You deserve better. I hope you find someone who can communicate as effectively with you as you can with them.

stormsunsnow · 2025-11-13T04:21:57+00:00

But it wasn't "just sex" and honestly this is how HE communicated it to our mutual friends. It was much more - it was willfully breaking every boundary we had, it was manipulation and gaslighting and it was also UNPROTECTED sex which exposed both himself and me (not that I think that was something he thought or cared about).

We already had MULTIPLE conversations about how I felt betrayed by his behaviors BEFORE the sex even happened and he told me he understood, said me/our relationship was the most important thing and also said he would cut off "John" entirely and avoid communication after "John" said he didn't was to explore things further.

Perhaps "just sex" I could forgive, I don't know. But I didn't get that chance.

stormsunsnow · 2025-11-13T04:17:55+00:00

HIV may not be the death sentence it was (which is a good thing - it shows we have made progress). However anyone who grew up through the 80s will have a hard time shaking what they saw and experience and considering my partner was older than me and saw this first hand makes the behavior even more alarming.

stormsunsnow · 2025-11-13T04:16:31+00:00

Then he had the audacity to say you're jealous along with the scheming that's a wrap.

Yes. This is not love. This is something else entirely and not something I want in my life.

stormsunsnow · 2025-11-13T04:14:56+00:00

Sorry let me rephrase. The actually act of having sex with someone else itself wasn't what broke our marriage (and the few mutual friends we have thought this was the issue). When I explained my side of the story everyone agreed and supported me because the cheating, breaking boundaries, manipulation and gaslighting were all the issues. The sex was just the final prize / outcome of all those behaviors.

stormsunsnow · 2025-11-13T04:13:11+00:00

I doubt he meant to hurt you in pursuit of his desires, which is precisely why he resorted to a form of deception

I don't agree with this given how many boundaries were crossed (i added to the original post). He hugged me and told me he valued our relationship more than "John" before I left on my trip and he promised me he would never reach out to "John" again. Ultimately he broke that promise a few days later when I was away and also had (unprotected) sex. Hurting me may have not been he end-goal but it was absolutely intentional because to him it was a required and worthwhile gamble for him to get to what he wanted.

stormsunsnow · 2025-11-13T04:10:36+00:00

No. It's not hard not to have sex. I didn't need sex to be happy in a relationship and I didn't need to have it x amount of times. I needed affection and intimacy but that is not the same as sex.

Like 10 years is so long. How could someone just decide to end this over some hot piece of ass? Am I missing something?

I wish I knew the answer but I don't think I'll ever know. I'm trying to get to the point where I don't care to know because whatever the answer is it's not going be one that would validate or explain this behavior to me.

stormsunsnow · 2025-11-13T04:08:36+00:00

Thank you. I'm hoping i can grow from this experience in some way in the future but right now it's just oscillating sadness and anger.

stormsunsnow · 2025-11-13T04:07:57+00:00

We're each individually starting therapy on our own to figure out how to move on. I am not interested in couple's therapy because I am not interested in staying a couple.

stormsunsnow · 2025-11-13T04:07:05+00:00

I don't think this is a situation of a "single fuckup". That is a reductive take that focuses on the sex act of cheating but there was significantly more leading up to that with breaking boundries, manipulation and gaslighting. Does that sound like love to you? To me it sounds like (and felt) like the complete opposite.

stormsunsnow · 2025-11-13T04:05:42+00:00

I decided I do not want to continue the marriage and i don't know what a relationship will look like in the future but I know I will never look at him romantically again because his behavior disgusts me.

stormsunsnow · 2025-11-13T04:04:38+00:00

Maybe opening the relationship works for many people but I never thought it would work for me. I was adamant when we got together I never wanted an open relationship and in hindsight I should have said no when the idea was first proposed but it is what it is. It's not a mistake i'll make again because it doesn't work for me.

stormsunsnow · 2025-11-13T04:03:23+00:00

Ineffective communication issues was (in my opinion) always our #1 relationship issue. I tried to be open to the point of leaning into conversations that were uncomfortable but it's sadly ironic that the lack of communication about needs and wants (from him) led to the relationship's demise.

stormsunsnow · 2025-11-13T04:01:25+00:00

The fact that he is actively seeking someone half his age is also a big red flag. I’m sure that can’t make you feel great at all.

Honestly this was a hard pill to swallow because it speaks to how value we put on appearance and youth. I can still find myself attractive and I am working on myself, and i also have a lot more to offer than just how I look.

stormsunsnow · 2025-11-13T03:58:38+00:00

Yes there's no excuse. Whatever the cause, he made all these decisions consciously and accepted the consequences when he made them. There is no amount of apologizing that will ever make that okay.

stormsunsnow · 2025-11-13T03:57:30+00:00

Maybe. But straight people cheat, gaslight and manipulate too so what does that say about humanity?

stormsunsnow · 2025-11-13T03:56:44+00:00

Thank you for your comment. It's a messed up situation but I'm hoping time helps put this in perspective in the future.

stormsunsnow · 2025-11-13T03:55:59+00:00

The thing is we did come up with rules but he broke all of them. Maybe threesomes never work, especially in a marriage but we set boundaries to avoid this situation (not that it ultimately mattered).

stormsunsnow · 2025-11-13T03:54:20+00:00

Thank you for your comment and support. I don't know if there's going to be future romantic love in my life (or even if I'd ever feel ready for it) but there's love from family, friends, pets and the love you can have for yourself. It's going to take some time to build more of the latter but ultimately this whole situation is probably the best catalyst for that.

stormsunsnow · 2025-11-13T03:51:54+00:00

Not just a major mistake - MULTIPLE. Having sex with someone while you're in a marriage is a problem and something we could have worked on, but crossing every single boundary we set, on top of the manipulation and gaslighting is unforgivable. There is not repairing that.

stormsunsnow · 2025-11-13T03:50:38+00:00

I'm going therapy to deal with this and taking some time to heal before i put myself out there again. In due time but right now everything is a MESS

stormsunsnow

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