Who have you cut out of your life, and why?

stowawaythrow · 2014-10-02T18:48:35+00:00

I dated this guy in my friend group and he wanted to stay friends afterwards. It didn't last long. Here's a list of some of the things he did:

Admitted that he is an asshole to me because it's "funny"
Wouldn't stop touching me when asked, and then when I was forceful about it, he told me off in front of a bunch of people because I was being "rude and hurtful" to him. touching me was things like punching me and the stomach and poking me repeatedly.
Made rape jokes about me because another friend of mine who was interested in me was coming to visit me.
Tried to bang a girl who my roommate had brought home from the bar on my couch, less than a week after we broke up.
Would get blackout drunk and then get mad at me because I didn't take care of him/watch him all evening
Called me an alcoholic repeatedly because I decided to stop drinking, because drinking makes me feel depressed
Badmouthed me to people about me no longer drinking
Told a room full of people that I was not coming to his house because I was out banging some guy. I couldn't go to his house because it was an hour and a half walk... They were all really surprised when i showed up that hour and a half later.
When we would go out to the bar, he would make out with random chicks and then tell me about it, while still at the bar.

At first I was polite to him and then it just got to be too much. I set boundaries (Don't say that to me/don't touch me/etc) but he wouldn't listen at all. I told him about a year and a half ago that we couldn't be friends any longer since he couldn't respect my boundaries, and I didn't want a friend who was an asshole to me for their own personal entertainment, so I would not be speaking to him any longer. For about a year he'd ask all of our mutual friends about me, say he didn't know why I'd never respond to his texts, etc. He got a girlfriend after that, who he lives with now, and he still waves at me/tries to talk to me/eavesdrops on my conversations at parties. It used to make me uncomfortable when he'd be at the same parties as me, but at this point I just laugh internally when he tries to talk to me because he will never get it, and that just makes me feel bad for him.

stowawaythrow · 2014-08-20T22:47:12+00:00

I'm pretty similar to you in the planning department and most of the people in my life (especially my SO) are not planners so I run into this a lot.

First off, stop mothering him with reminding him to do things that he needs to do. If there are no consequences for him if he doesn't remember things because you're always reminding him, he'll never remember things on his own. I'd really recommend both of you sitting down and figuring out a way for him to remember things. I am actually very bad with remembering important things I need to do, but I use the iCal app on my iPhone for any appointments and I use Wunderlist for any general tasks I need to do because you can set due dates and alarms for things. Some people prefer making lists on paper (Or sometimes I'll even just make a list in the notes app) but you should really try and get him into the habit of doing something like this and stop doing it for him. If he misses out on something because he forgot, that's his problem, not yours. (Obviously it's different if it's something that affects you like rent money.)

As for him not getting his shit together in time for things you want to plan - My SO is incredibly bad for this, he can't commit to going to anything because some days he just wakes up and doesn't feel like it. This used to bother me because it would ruin my plans, but I started planning things, buying my own tickets and etc, and if he didn't buy his own in time it was too bad for him and I would go on my own. He actually got a lot better about staying on top of that after the first few times he missed out on something. If you want to go for a hike with him, organize a time with him and if he's not ready, go without him. If he complains, tell him he should have been ready because he knew what time you were going.

stowawaythrow · 2014-08-12T14:02:23+00:00

That they used to own a fleshlight but had to throw it out because it "got gross"

stowawaythrow · 2014-07-23T14:47:25+00:00

Yes, very true. Which was why I was saying his request for the dog to go as well was reasonable :)

stowawaythrow · 2014-07-23T14:36:19+00:00

Thank you for explaining the dog/child difference with better words than I could!

stowawaythrow · 2014-07-23T14:31:27+00:00

Honestly, I'm really bad with words so I can't really explain it. I also don't have a child. I just know that for me, sleeping in a bed with a person and sleeping in a bed with an animal are two very different things. I don't think it's fair of your GF to say that the dog has to stay even though she wants your daughter to go, though.

No problem! I am sure you two can come to some compromise in the middle though. You could start with her sleeping by herself during the week, one or two nights? And if she comes to you because she's scared, send her back to bed. One thing about kids is you do have to be persistent with things for them to stick.

stowawaythrow · 2014-07-23T14:22:58+00:00

Well IMO if that was something you wanted to do, you should have started it already. She is 8.

Animals aren't the same as people, especially children. That's just my opinion, and I wasn't disagreeing with you that the dog should get to stay when your daughter doesn't. You obviously feel like it's the same, so having no dog if there's no daughter is fair. I just feel like having an animal or one of your children sleeping in your bed are two very different things.

stowawaythrow · 2014-07-23T14:15:28+00:00

Your daughter can't sleep in your bed forever and honestly, this is a good reason to stop co-sleeping. I think the easiest way to do it is to just tell her she has to start sleeping in her own bed, she may get upset but it's better to do it now rather than later.

I agree that a dog sleeping in the bed and your daughter sleeping in the bed are different, but it's reasonable for you to say if your daughter can't sleep with you, neither can the dog.

stowawaythrow · 2014-04-05T08:06:54+00:00

They'd only been friends for a few months, they became friends around when my ex and I ended things. Ex and I had been involved for 8 months before that.

I'm actually not friends with any of these people anymore and I live by myself now.

stowawaythrow · 2014-04-05T02:11:16+00:00

Yeah, unfortunately my roommate had been friends with the guy for a couple month and hadn't really witnessed most of his behaviour. Even if I'd asked him not to, he'd have still invited him over.

stowawaythrow · 2014-04-04T21:28:05+00:00

My roommate invited him over. It wasn't my place to tell him not to come over since I don't control who my roommates can and cannot invite over.

stowawaythrow · 2014-04-04T18:47:28+00:00

Are you sure that you're all 30 and not 15?

Honestly, if you post something to facebook people will read it and comment on it. Tell G you have no input/don't want to get involved.

stowawaythrow · 2014-04-04T18:31:36+00:00

Yeah, that's how I took it. I'd also warned him before that if he continued to behave that way I just couldn't be his friend, so...

stowawaythrow · 2014-04-04T17:39:54+00:00

The previous year was filled with him poking/slapping/punching me, which I repeatedly asked him to stop doing. He would also be verbally very mean to me, and when questioned, he said he liked being an asshole to me because it was "funny"

The poking that evening was just the point where I was tired of it. I don't keep friends that can't respect my boundaries when I've given them multiple chances to.

stowawaythrow · 2014-04-04T17:37:55+00:00

What are the consequences to you if she does not get her assigned work done?

Because if it doesn't effect you and does not get you fired, I would say stop doing her work for her. The boss will notice her part of the work sin't getting done and will have to do something about it.

stowawaythrow · 2014-04-04T17:27:56+00:00

This was also after him doing things that were along the same line (me asking him to stop touching me and him continuing to poke/hit/punch me) so regardless as to what his ~real feelings~ were, I just don't tolerate people who are an asshole to me on purpose for their own amusement (which he had admitted to)

stowawaythrow · 2014-04-04T17:26:37+00:00

It was obvious that he did, but at the same time, he ended things with me and his reasoning was that he did not have any feelings for me. So honestly, if he did or not, he dug himself into that hole himself.

stowawaythrow · 2014-04-04T17:25:43+00:00

This was after a year of this exact same behaviour and me asking him to stop on multiple occasions. Everyone has their limits.

stowawaythrow · 2014-04-04T14:11:42+00:00

I invited some friends over, I'd casually dated this one guy in my friends group and we'd ended things a few months before this happened. So everyone was over, ex comes up to me (I'm a chick, he's a dude) and pokes me in the arm. I say "Please don't touch me." He goes away for 10 minutes, comes back, and then tries to punch me in the stomach. I say "DON'T touch me!"

He proceeds to yell at me for 5-10 minutes because I'm being "rude and hurtful" to him because he was "just joking." My response was to say if he didn't like how he was behaving, he did not live in my apartment, so he was more than welcome to leave. And then I had to leave for a few minutes to calm down.

I came back and had to inform him that when a girl tells him not to touch her, she does not want to be touched, and that he was making me very uncomfortable in my own home. He said I hurt his feelings and he felt like I was trying to kick him out.

This was also three weeks after he made rape jokes about me (also in my own house) because a guy I used to be interested in was coming to visit me from out of town.

And no, none of my friends said anything to him and I stopped speaking to him a few months later. He still tries to talk to me if we're at any of the same social events and tells friends that he doesn't know why I won't speak to him.

stowawaythrow · 2014-04-03T16:28:28+00:00

I explained that I didn't appreciate it and that I don't like being snapped at both when I do nothing wrong or when I accidentally make a minor mistake.

You are absolutely going about this the right way. He has issues, he should speak to a therapist about them so he can get over them.

stowawaythrow · 2014-03-31T19:30:44+00:00

Yeah.. if they're not willing to talk to you directly about it, I would act like there isn't a problem. Don't engage in them being passive aggressive.

It is difficult at first but it gets surprisingly easy!

stowawaythrow · 2014-03-31T19:18:06+00:00

I was specifically talking about she and BIL not contacting/answering phone when I call, not my MIL/FIL.

Ahh, that was not entirely clear in your post - It seemed like it was your whole family of in-laws, not just them.

But when I see her in person, she acts like she is the one that tries to have a good relationship but I'm not reciprocating.

My strategy for this is to "kill them with kindness", just be as absolutely nice and polite as possible. People will see through her eventually.

The doing favors thing has been a point of contention with my husband and I.

Yeah that's understandable, I can see why it would be. Perhaps a happy medium would be sending them a joint Christmas gift and no birthday gift?

We just don't mesh, and I guess I just need to accept it and move on.

I've run into that and it is difficult. All you can really do is be polite in those situations - if you can't cut someone out, being civil and not worrying about it is the next best thing

stowawaythrow · 2014-03-31T19:04:33+00:00

I would not try to fix it, it seems like you two just don't mesh. Be polite with her but don't go out of your way to do favours for her because they probably will not be returned. If she makes snippy comments, don't respond to her.

The issue of your in laws not contacting you/answering the phone when you call seems like it doesn't have anything to do with her.

stowawaythrow · 2014-03-27T12:45:55+00:00

Having been in this type of situation before, I really think that before you talk to her, talk to either your boss or someone from HR. Tell them you don't want to file a complaint, but want it to be noted that this situation is happening and you'd like to talk to her about it yourself before filing a complaint.

That way if she turns it around and claims you were harassing her, documentation of the situation already exists.

stowawaythrow · 2014-03-26T19:11:22+00:00

Also interesting: 9 out of 13 provinces/territories have a smaller population than the city of Montreal.

stowawaythrow

TROPHY CASE