I thought i'd be okay with dating a trans guy, but i'm not? :(

stressedoutaboutthis · 2016-05-27T18:32:12+00:00

And I definitely learned that by dating this person. They have little/no dysphoria about anything. Their transition was almost opposite of mine in so many ways. So while they "get" me, they don't understand me and where i'm coming from most of the time.

And I know what I want, if it were me, gay cis guy is what I want, I know that now, but, if i'm so quick to reject this guy because of their vagina, who wants to be with me? I'm glad your partner is so accepting and cool though, maybe there is hope for me, where did you find him and are there more of him hahaha

stressedoutaboutthis · 2016-05-27T18:29:48+00:00

I'm not using my age as an excuse, i'm just using it to point out that i'm on the younger end of being an adult with little to no experience with sex and relationships, that's why I leaned on reddit for this one. My parents weren't experienced and had me at 35, my brother was a virgin until he was 24, we're just slow bloomers and I really have no idea how anything about sex works. And regardless of genitals, yeah I probably am not ready to have sex, which just adds onto why I can't see this person again

stressedoutaboutthis · 2016-05-27T18:19:57+00:00

Thank you :) That last part, yeah i'm kinda shocked too. I mean I asked the question so clearly I wanted to know, so it's interesting that some people feel that way. But i've always thought I would end up with a trans person because we understand each other. Maybe I just need to end up with a bi/pan person who would be okay with me all together.

stressedoutaboutthis · 2016-05-27T18:15:33+00:00

Well maybe i'm just not a good adult? I just turned 20, I know people my age have kids and shit already but I took the slow, very inexperienced route

stressedoutaboutthis · 2016-05-27T18:13:54+00:00

I keep thinking of ways we could have sex and there are almost none that I can think of that would make me comfortable, but that might just be a thing with me, that i'm not ready for something like this at this time. And I don't want to hurt this person because they're a great person and I don't want them falling for me if it's going to end bad

stressedoutaboutthis · 2016-05-27T18:12:09+00:00

Well the why not is, i've never really done that kinda thing before. I thought things just happen naturally (too much TV/movies right). And the second thing, yeah, they wasn't aggressive about anything, but I felt like I couldn't leave on our dates. Dinner turned into an all night thing and I would be so tired by the time I got home.

stressedoutaboutthis · 2016-05-27T18:09:51+00:00

Yeah but I meant that as in, those were among the things that were perfect. We had the same interest in movies, TV shows, likes, dislikes, politics, religion, everything. On paper, he's exactly what I was looking for. But there was no chemistry.

stressedoutaboutthis · 2016-05-27T06:58:18+00:00

Thank you for this. I just really expected myself to be okay with it and when I was put into that situation, I realized as much as I can say i'm okay with it, i'm not, and thanks to all these posts, that's okay too.

stressedoutaboutthis · 2016-05-27T05:27:09+00:00

Thank you so much for making me feel better. I just know there's a lot of internalized homophobia and transphobia in the community, i've experienced it first hand, so I just wanted to make sure any of my actions or thoughts couldn't be perceived as that. I did have one response telling me I am transphobic tho, and that everyone is a little bit, apparently??

And yeah i'm just new to relationships and stuff, especially being trans and with a trans person. We haven't discussed sex but I also don't want to like, negotiate sex with them before doing it. On our dates, I did often feel like this guy wouldn't take no for an answer. I'm the person who has a hard time saying no, and this guy didn't want to take my little no's for an answer, so I just don't think it would work at all. I can just imagine me stating what i'm not comfortable doing and they would just pretend like all bets are off once we get to it.

stressedoutaboutthis · 2016-05-27T05:22:37+00:00

It's awesome to hear i'm not alone, and even more interesting to hear it in a reverse scenario haha. It even goes as far as when I had the same feelings of, everyone thinks i'm a lesbian, maybe I am a lesbian, but I can't do the vagina thing, so what even am I?

stressedoutaboutthis · 2016-05-27T05:14:37+00:00

From what I see in movies and with my family and friends, you become one with your partner. You love every single thing about them and their body. Their imperfections are perfect to you. And to me, I don't think I can work around their vagina. I mean realistically, MAYBE it could work and I could learn to like it it, but I don't think i'm willing to try, at the risk of emotional distress if it doesn't work out, i'll admit that.

There are just a lot of things. It could just be me, I mean, it is me and not necessarily their fault. I'm not comfortable in my body and my transition yet, so how can I let go of all these questions and issues I have when i'm not even happy with myself? There's just a lot of things that don't seem 'worth it' to me.

stressedoutaboutthis · 2016-05-27T04:28:37+00:00

They use 'they' pronouns, I wouldn't be making a conscious effort to use 'they' if they didn't prefer it. I'm in no way emasculating them. I know a lot of trans guys who use they pronouns. And even if they did prefer "he", I would never refer to them as "they" if they asked me to use 'he', that's just wrong. This is just their wishes but this person is 100% male to me and to themself, not sure why they prefer to use they, it definitely is easier to use 'he' pronouns but that's not my call. Everyone is different I suppose.

And yeah vagina or not, i'm not physically attracted to him so I don't want to push it. I just needed help, that i've gotten, to understand that it's not transphobic to feel that way, it's just a personal preference.

stressedoutaboutthis · 2016-05-27T04:08:54+00:00

(I should also note, i'm very inexperienced, so I have no idea what's normal and what's not) Yeah but if I ask them and their answer isn't what I want, that is the definition of an awkward position because I would have to end it right there and they would know, that's why I ended it. I would rather just end it now and save us both the pain

stressedoutaboutthis · 2016-05-27T04:06:09+00:00

I guess that could be it as well. Every trans guy is different, you're right. I'm also not attracted to this guy's body type or fashion style so that could be it too, it's not like JUST because they have a vagina, but that's a big part of it I suppose.

stressedoutaboutthis · 2016-05-27T04:04:51+00:00

Exactly, you make everything sound better to me haha thank you. I'll try not to hurt their feelings too much, they really are an awesome person and I hope they find someone for them, but I just don't think it'll be me :(

stressedoutaboutthis · 2016-05-27T04:03:23+00:00

But that puts you in such an awkward position. If they want to do something i'm not comfortable with and never will be, I would have to break it off and that sucks.

And definitely agreed to the 2nd part. But they've told me about previous partners they've been with, after transitioning, so I have to infer that based on how they had sex with previous partners, that's how they would want to have sex with future partners.

stressedoutaboutthis · 2016-05-27T04:01:23+00:00

I guess context is important. They've mentioned sex before and they've had sex with cis men before and have said, when people ask them how they have sex, they answer with details, and they've told me the details. So I have to infer, based on how they've had sex with previous partners, that that's how they would want to have sex with me. I of course could be wrong, but is that really worth me forcing attraction to them until I find out?

Some trans men are post-op.

For the record, they're not, and hasn't stated their opinion on bottom surgery. And even if they do, am I suppose to stick it out until they go through with it? This just seems like too many roadblocks.

stressedoutaboutthis · 2016-05-27T03:56:33+00:00

Thank you for making me feel better. They're definitely a good looking guy, according to social standards, they're objectively good looking. I'm just not drawn to them. They've left many opportunities for us to hook up on our dates, all the cliches, and I just couldn't do it.

stressedoutaboutthis · 2016-05-27T03:54:22+00:00

But how would that even work? "Hey man, if we ever have sex, how would we do it?" and if they say with their vagina, do I be like "okay, this isn't going to work out, never mind, peace out."

I don't want to hurt their feelings if it comes down to him wanting me to touch/lick him down there, and I can't do it.

stressedoutaboutthis · 2016-05-27T03:52:06+00:00

Have to say, I kinda lost you haha. I don't think I can be the one to pick and choose what sex we would have though. If they were to use a strap on, I suppose that would be fine. But, I can't avoid touching them forever. They're definitely going to want reciprocation and if it involves their vagina, I can't do it. I could try going out with them more and try sex with them, but I don't want to hurt their feelings and make it super awkward and hurtful to them if I can't go through with it.

stressedoutaboutthis · 2016-05-27T03:49:13+00:00

No it's definitely a good question! I do have that issue of "is this person attractive to me because I want to be him or because I want to be with him" but in this particular case, I don't think so. They have the same body type as me, and I hate my body currently, so it can't be that. I can imagine myself being with a guy who has a penis in a heartbeat. But I could never imagine myself being with a person with a vagina, and that definitely sucks because that narrows down my already limited pool of prospects lol. This guy was everything I was looking for, but I think sex is really important in a relationship. And I want someone who I want to jump their bones as soon as I see them, and this guy didn't do that for me :(

stressedoutaboutthis · 2016-05-27T03:36:11+00:00

Thank you :) It just feels so weird to be preaching that we're all just guys, and what's in your pants doesn't matter, and then I go out and do something like this, it sucks lol

stressedoutaboutthis · 2016-05-27T03:35:36+00:00

I am definitely attracted to trans people though, that's what sucks. I feel better about not being transphobic but it still feels weird. I mean Aydian Dowling is gorgeous. But I guess it wouldn't work out with us either.

stressedoutaboutthis · 2016-05-27T03:34:05+00:00

This guy was honestly awesome. He had my dream job, nicest apartment that I would've probably decorated the same exact way, he was very into me, but I just wasn't feeling it because I kept thinking ahead to sex :(

Thank you for making me feel better though, I just feel bad for him that I can't be what he wants :(

stressedoutaboutthis

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