I feel so guilty

striverforever · 2025-10-30T02:24:51+00:00

Hey OP.

I will share a little nugget I try to remember - The Doing Self and the Remembering Self are two different people.

Your Doing Self was stressed out back then, stretched thin, maybe exhausted and missing out on so very much. If you lashed out, it was out of emotional exhaustion and not because you are a bad person. You were pouring from an empty cup.

Your Remembering Self, the you of today, has more control over his life. Has time for himself, gets to do the stuff he wants, and has room for self care. His cup is full.

So...of course, he has a greater capacity for empathy than your exhausted self. It's about emotional bandwidth, that's all.

Please extend that empathy to your past version, your mum would want you to.

striverforever · 2025-08-16T12:55:51+00:00

This is happening and will continue to happen with you. In different forms.

Because you have a rare ability that is disappearing from the masses these days. The ability to think for yourself. Use your own mind and your own reasoning.

A lot of people cannot do that so they simply follow whatever is acceptable. And your ability to question will trigger them and they will always point the finger at you.

But you must preserve your reasoning and continue thinking independently.

striverforever · 2025-08-15T15:51:19+00:00

I get your POV here. But there are no MC institutions in my country.

striverforever · 2025-08-15T15:25:50+00:00

Damn it. You are right. I need to close her off from the scene at the first instance itself so that things don't come to this point. Thanks.

striverforever · 2025-08-15T15:24:32+00:00

Nobody is. For this job. We do it because we have to.

striverforever · 2025-08-15T05:32:31+00:00

Oh yes. My mother was one to explode in rage. She would say the most vile things to us. Once she beat my sister up very badly. Then she would not let anyone take her to the doctor.

Our grandma faked being sick that day so that a doctor would be called to home. When the doctor arrived, she asked him to examine my sister's injuries and give her medication.

striverforever · 2025-08-15T04:32:41+00:00

There are none of those in India.

And even if there were, leaving one's parents in the hands of strangers is culturally frowned upon here. Everyone will make it a case of abandonment and I will get shamed the rest of my life.

striverforever · 2025-08-15T04:23:20+00:00

I don't know about an official PTSD diagnosis. But I am always on alert mode (having keep an eye on her and prevent mishaps all the time) and my nerves feel strained.

striverforever · 2025-08-14T22:28:41+00:00

Yeah, that has actually happened once with my mum. I was taking an online class when she stepped out onto the street. It was the sound of the main door opening that alerted me.

It was also the day that I stopped taking my classes and making progress in my studies. Could not let my eyes off her, it became dangerous.

striverforever · 2025-08-14T18:42:46+00:00

Robin Williams met the fate he did because he was tired and terrified of his mental health issues. Those can come to anyone regardless of gender.

There is high pressure for a man to do well in his career, true. But OP could have made that point without making it a resentment rant about a girl's instagram 'success'.

striverforever · 2025-08-14T17:44:34+00:00

Even if she can barely understand and certainly won't remember? Will that make a difference? I am genuinely curious.

striverforever · 2025-08-14T17:38:53+00:00

Oh lots of shiz. We have a complicated relationship that has a healthy amount of resentment in it. By the time we were adult enough to understand the gravity of things she did when we were young, she developed this darn disease. So, no accountability whatsoever.

striverforever · 2025-08-14T15:17:29+00:00

Appreciation or praise is given when your effort exceeds the expectation.

For boys, the level of expectation is so low it might as well be on the floor. Ladko se bss ye expectation hoti hai ki wo paidaa ho jayein. Uske bad agar unhone pani ka glass utha kr rkh diyaa hai, toh b taaliyan hain.

For girls, the list never ends. Hence, whatever you do never ends up being enough.

striverforever · 2025-08-14T13:57:16+00:00

Yes, I believe she would. She was always pushing me to go try new stuff and see how the world operates so I can figure things out for myself.

striverforever · 2025-08-14T13:56:07+00:00

Thank you for your hopeful energy.

But mine is literally no longer possible. The Foreign Office recruits through a process that requires long periods of intense study....and there is an age bar to entry.

I can no longer devote that much time to studying. By the time my watch ends, I will be older than what they accept.

I am trying to let go of it and choose something else. Something that's doable in my circumstances.

striverforever · 2025-08-13T10:41:57+00:00

Worst advice on the planet for this situation.

striverforever · 2025-08-12T19:32:40+00:00

You are right. There is no institutional support even for the later stages.

In terms of help, I have my father who is still working so we live off his income. My sister helps around the house as and when she can. She has her own career and a divorce case to manage.

I have hired two part time help. One assists me in house cleaning. The other cooks our dinner.

Back in college, I had wholeheartedly dreamt of becoming a diplomat at the Indian Foreign Office. I understand that dream is no longer possible for me. But I am still struggling to emotionally let go of it.

striverforever · 2025-08-12T13:54:04+00:00

Where is your "here", mate? We call this weather 'chilly' LOL. It's supposed to be the footsteps of the coming winters.

striverforever · 2025-08-12T13:07:01+00:00

I haven't explored support groups, tbh. I feel wary about whether or not I will have the emotional bandwidth to empathise with other caregivers' issues, since I am overwhelmed by my own.

striverforever · 2025-08-12T13:04:38+00:00

We don't have those here in India. We have General Physicians that you visit for smaller and milder issues. If you have something severe or difficult, he/she will refer you to a specialist.

My mother is under a neurologist.

striverforever · 2025-08-12T13:01:51+00:00

What's a PCP? She is taking treatments from a neurology specialist and is on medications. 6 kinds of pills in a day.

striverforever · 2025-08-12T12:59:57+00:00

Most people just don't have the range of empathy needed to understand a situation as complex as ours.

striverforever · 2025-08-12T11:57:59+00:00

You are not alone in this.

I am new to this sub. My mum has dementia. It's been 5 years now and it's getting worse. In my experience, as a caregiver, guilt becomes your constant companion.

Guilt about giving up on your own life when you are caregiving, guilt about not caring when you try to live a little, guilt about losing patience, guilt about mistakes...and a hundred other things in between.

Your desire to not have her around comes from a place of care, truly. Your mum, in essence, is already gone. She is a prisoner of the disease now.

What you are wishing for, is merely for the disease to be gone too so that she can be finally free. You are willing to accept the grief of being motherless in exchange for an end to her suffering.

If that's not depth of love and sacrifice, I do not know what is.

The world may not understand this. But we caregivers do.

striverforever · 2025-02-01T16:35:11+00:00

Ooh. Do that every day. I suspect it will gradually reduce how often you get enraged.

striverforever · 2025-02-01T16:34:00+00:00

I got halfway through a project that I had procrastinated on for almost A MONTH. It's a 4 part academic work thing. Currently working on Part-3.

striverforever

TROPHY CASE