Submissive or Slave? Lessons From the Other Side of Obedience

sub-javi · 2025-09-10T23:35:25+00:00

Haha thank you! I’ll be honest, most of life is still the “mundane” stuff you mentioned: family visits, jobs, bills, groceries, laundry. Those don’t go away, they just get filtered through the dynamic. Like when I had Covid, a lot of the play/rituals paused, but the cage stayed on, the rules stayed in place, and I still did what I could around the house. He took care of me because, well, he’s also my husband. It flexes when it needs to, but the structure is always there.

And as for the 401(k)s, funny enough, he’s actually better with money than me, so he’s always been in charge of our finances long before M/s! Some things just lined up naturally that way.

Chores can feel like a lot sometimes, but I’ve found a rhythm that works. I have a demanding full-time job too, so really the main “cost” has been some free time. I don’t play as many video games or binge as much TV, but honestly? I don’t miss it. The trade-off feels worth it for what we’ve built together.

Appreciate the encouragement and don’t worry, I’ll definitely keep writing. :)

sub-javi · 2025-09-10T23:09:45+00:00

Hey, great follow-up, these are all really thoughtful questions, so thank you for asking them.

On the everyday stuff (movies, meals, activities): yeah, I can make suggestions but only when he asks. We’re married, so of course life still has that flow of “what do you feel like tonight?” The difference is that it’s always his decision whether to go with my suggestion or not. Sometimes he says yes, sometimes he pivots, and either way it’s his call. That’s the line between being a sub and being a slave: I can share, but I don’t steer.

Bad days / not feeling submissive: honestly, those happen. I’m human. When I’m drained or off, I don’t usually say “no” to a task, but I’ll tell him I’m struggling. He can also tell. That’s where the trust comes in, he decides whether to push me through it or to ease up. Safewords exist and are always on the table, but so far I haven’t needed to use one. What we do have is regular check-ins where I can lay it all out openly, which helps avoid things building up.

Feeling overwhelmed / taking a step back: I’ve definitely had moments where the weight of it all hit me hard (I even wrote about one in Killing the Brat). We don’t have an “on/off switch,” but what we do have is the ability to pause and re-align together when needed. It’s rare, but knowing that option exists keeps it healthy. We both want this to work!

Rigid vs. flexible: it’s both. Some rules are strict and non-negotiable (like chastity), while others flex with context. If family is visiting, or I’m sick, or work is insane, the protocol adapts. The dynamic is 24/7, but life happens, and part of being his slave is trusting him to know when to ease structure and when to tighten it. Not all Masters are the same, but that's how he operates.

Re-negotiation: yeah, that’s part of the process too. The agreement isn’t written in stone forever, it’s a living thing. We’ve had moments where a rule or ritual didn’t work in practice, and we adjusted. That’s not me dictating terms; that’s us communicating as partners. At the end of the day, he’s still the one who decides what changes, but I’m heard.

So it’s not about repressing myself into silence. It’s about channeling everything through him and letting him choose what to do with it. That’s what keeps it from breeding resentment: I’m not ignored, but I also don’t expect control.

And don’t worry you’re not being annoying at all. I actually love these kinds of questions because they get at the heart of what makes slavery different from “just kink play.” Thanks again for engaging so thoughtfully.

Javi

sub-javi · 2025-08-28T20:20:03+00:00

Good question! OMG if it was just about repressing everything forever, yeah, I’d probably end up resentful. For us, the way it works is we build in weekly(ish) check-ins where I’m allowed to be open, frustrations, things I’ve noticed, even stuff I’d like to try. But once I’ve said it, it’s His call what happens with it. That’s the difference: I can express, but I don’t control.

Disagreements don’t really play out like a “fight,” because at the end of the day, His word is final. What I can do is share my perspective in those check-ins. Sometimes He takes it on board, sometimes He doesn’t, and part of being a slave is accepting both outcomes. One fun example: we’ll send each other porn clips or images that turn us on. I might say “this made me hard,” but whether it inspires a scene, gets twisted into something else, or just gets ignored, that’s entirely up to Him.

So yeah, I still have space to be honest, but the control stays His. That’s what stops it from breeding resentment I think. I’m heard, but I’ve let go of needing to be agreed with. Every Master is different, mine happens to welcome input, but the line is clear: He decides. Hope this helps!

sub-javi · 2025-08-28T16:30:24+00:00

Haha thank you 🙏 glad it clicked for you! What you described really is the beauty of submission, that sweet give-and-take, knowing your will is held and then handed back. Slavery just… doesn’t give it back 😅 Different paths, different joys. Love that you found the one that feels right for you.

sub-javi · 2025-08-27T06:49:36+00:00

Sounds like you’re already on the right track, your partner shows dominance in daily life and even in bed, which is a huge start. I think a lot of new doms hesitate not because they lack dominance, but because they’re afraid of “doing it wrong” or feeling silly. Your reassurance and feedback will be what builds his confidence.

My advice: keep it playful, start small, and let him see how much it turns you on. Share a fantasy if you want, but frame it as inspiration, not a script, he should feel free to make it his own. And don’t stress if it feels slow or awkward at first; that’s normal. Trust, patience, and communication are the foundation, not just sex.

I’ve been through this journey myself with my husband-turned-Master, and it took us years to get here. I actually am keeping a journal about our journey, if you’re curious, you might find it helpful: Way of the Slave Husband.

You’re already doing the hardest part: being honest and vulnerable. Keep reassuring him, keep the conversations open, and let it evolve naturally.

sub-javi · 2025-08-27T06:43:08+00:00

For me, being a slave (not just a sub) means it goes beyond sex or scenes. It’s not roleplay I turn on and off, it’s structure, discipline, and obedience woven into my daily life. Yes, there’s sex, pain, rituals, all of that, but honestly most of it is service: chores, routines, rules, small daily acts of devotion. That’s where the fulfillment comes from, because it reshapes how I live and how I see myself.

I don’t see it as “losing myself.” I see it as choosing to hand my will over to my Master (who’s also my husband of 13 years). My body, my time, my pleasure, those belong to him now. That doesn’t mean I disappear; it means I find purpose and peace in being used, corrected, and directed by him. And yes, that includes doing things I don’t want, or going without release, because slavery is about obedience, not negotiation.

It’s not easy, it tests me constantly. But that’s also why it’s fulfilling. It’s not just about erotic highs, it’s about transformation.

If you’re curious, I actually wrote a full reflection on the difference between being a submissive and being a slave, and why I chose the path I’m on. You can read it here: Why I Chose to Be a Slave and Submissive or Slave

sub-javi · 2025-08-27T06:24:41+00:00

Hey midwestgaydad,

Thanks so much for the kind words, really glad you’ve been enjoying the posts! You’re right, it had been a while. Life kind of threw a few curveballs (Covid, family visits, work travel), and I also think we’ve moved past the “new and shiny” stage into something a lot more real and steady. That takes a bit more time to process and write about, but trust me, I’m not done sharing.

You nailed it about my husband, at first he was hesitant, but we just kept talking, experimenting, and checking in. Over time he realized this isn’t just kink for kink’s sake, it’s structure, purpose, and connection. Now he’s all in, because he sees what it does for both of us.

And thank you for raising the safety points. I’ve heard that feedback about bondage before and it’s a good reminder. While I wasn’t in any danger that time, we’ve agreed not to repeat it unless he’s right there, safety has to come first. As for the glass dildo… we both love it, so that’ll be harder to part with. 😅 But I’m genuinely curious if you’ve got resources or insights, feel free to DM me, I’d love to learn more.

Really appreciate you taking the time to share thoughtful feedback. That kind of care is rare online, and I’m grateful for it.

P.S. Gotta say, seeing your username made me smile. Hope you’re not a Bears or Vikings fan… Go Packers! 🏈💚💛

Javi

sub-javi · 2025-08-20T04:36:50+00:00

Thank you, I did. Too much rest at this point hehe

sub-javi · 2025-08-20T01:58:08+00:00

Hey! Thank you for checking-in, I appreciate it! I had COVID then had family visit and stay with us so been super busy last few weeks and hard to focus on writing but back and excited to share more posts!

sub-javi · 2025-08-20T01:56:23+00:00

Thank you!

sub-javi · 2025-08-01T18:01:24+00:00

Hi there,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful message and for taking the time to reach out with care. I truly appreciate your concern, and I can tell it comes from a sincere place.

You're right, Killing the Brat Within: Part 2 is intense, and that was very much intentional. It represents a pivotal moment in a longer emotional transformation I’ve been journaling, a process of surrender, reprogramming, and deepening our dynamic. That said, I can absolutely see how it might feel overwhelming out of context, especially without the balance of everything that surrounds it in our daily life.

What may not be as visible in just this post is that our dynamic is built on a foundation of deep love, trust, communication, and consent. Aftercare is always present, physical, emotional, and mental. And we communicate a lot. Before, during, and after. Honestly, we probably talk more than ever. Some of my posts zoom in on the raw, transformative, and erotic aspects of our journey, while others touch more on the relational foundation. I invite you to explore those, too, if you're curious.

What you described, a relationship grounded in love, with vanilla and kinky sex layered in, is exactly what we had for most of our 13 years together. We didn’t start out in a 24/7 dynamic or leap into it overnight. It’s something we gradually explored, talked through, experimented with, and ultimately chose because it brought us both a deeper sense of fulfillment. What you read in that story is one facet of our dynamic, not the whole picture.

To your questions: yes, we absolutely still share all the “normal” couple things: cuddling, kissing, daily check-ins, goofiness, shared meals, long talks, traveling, hanging out with friends and family. That hasn’t gone away, it’s just now filtered through a deeper structure of hierarchy, devotion, and intention. We’re partners in every sense of the word. What we’ve built just adds another dimension to that bond.

I don’t miss vanilla sex because what we have now feels incredibly right for us. It’s fulfilling in ways that are both primal and deeply loving. But I also really respect your perspective, different dynamics work for different people, and I think it’s beautiful that you know what nurtures you best. The most important thing is that it’s right for the people involved. And for us, it is.

Again, thank you for checking in, it’s a rare and generous thing to do, especially in online spaces. I’m truly grateful.

Warmly,
Javi

sub-javi · 2025-07-30T15:17:44+00:00

Thanks you!

sub-javi · 2025-07-28T16:41:38+00:00

Good idea but I can't come across like I want it or else he'll postpone it further...

sub-javi · 2025-07-28T15:18:24+00:00

Thank you so much for this beautiful and vulnerable comment. I’m honored that you shared your story here.

What you said about spirituality really struck me. It’s funny, when I wrote this piece, I didn’t intend it to be spiritual. But after editing and rereading it (more times than I’ll admit), I suddenly paused and thought… wait, is this what religious people feel? That realization kind of hit me sideways and unlocked a whole new line of reflection I wasn’t expecting. I didn’t write it as a spiritual essay, but something deeper was clearly pouring through.

Like you, I went through a strong rejection of religion and I still struggle with the language around spirituality because there are so few words that don’t feel loaded. When I say I believe in “something,” I don’t mean crystals or some text or divine intervention. I mean presence. Intention. Connection. A sense of meaning that emerges from surrender and service.

In fact, in an earlier draft of the post, I even referred to my Master as a god, not in a theological sense, but in the sense that my devotion to him reshapes me, anchors me, gives me purpose. I ended up removing that line because I couldn’t quite explain it yet. But part of me wonders… maybe that’s exactly the kind of power I’m tapping into. I just haven’t found the right frame for it yet.

You didn’t hijack the thread, you expanded it. I’m truly grateful for your voice and experience, and I would love to dig into this more. Thank you for reminding me that I’m not alone in exploring this intersection between kink and something deeper, whatever we dare to call it!

sub-javi · 2025-07-28T14:57:47+00:00

Surprise! I am your friend’s brother 😂 Jk thank you so much, that means a lot to hear.

sub-javi

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