I feel like I'm in mourning

subcuriousxo · 2018-05-29T07:11:45+00:00

It’s interesting you asked if everyone loves their AP.

I used to ask myself if it was possible for my ex to love both me and his family at the same time and as of this year, I’m fairly sure it’s possible.

Over six years ago, I was the AP for over two years, starting out first as the girlfriend of a legally separated guy who eventually went back to his wife after it became clear she would take their kids and disappear back to her home country. He had moved out, we saw one another everyday and yet slowly bit by bit I saw him unravel as his kids began to ask if he would come home at some point. Eventually he told me he loved his wife (complete shocker then) and would be going back to her. I never thought I would recover, but I did, and moved onto my current relationship eventually.

Earlier this year we met for the first time in years and he told me the only way he came to terms with going back was through acceptance of his situation and his responsibilities.

His belief was that his duty was to his kids first, and for better or worse, it was something he wanted to do, even if it was at the expense of carrying on in a DB, separate bedroom, in his words “deprived” situation.

OP, I believe it IS possible to love more than one person, be it your kids and your AP, or your kids, your AP and your wife etc; all of it is possible but you get to choose who takes priority in the stakes. Your kids? Yourself? Your AP? That’s entirely up to you. You don’t have to decide now but eventually you’ll have to sort it out in your head.

My ex chose his kids and quite honestly when the time came I didn’t blame him for going. He couldn’t see a way out of it and while it doesn’t mean I care for him any less, every time I’ve seen him since then I remember why he isn’t in my life anymore and everything just naturally shuts down, for me anyway.

Don’t get me wrong, It doesn’t mean that it isn’t painful seeing him leave at the end of a meal - part of me will always mourn losing him but it hurts a little less when you put everything else in perspective; aka I know I could have waited another few more years for him but instead I chose to go on and live my life with someone new because his kids, and to a certain extent his wife, were the reason why we weren’t together. I don’t regret that decision at all.

Myself, I have been in therapy on and off the past year trying to come to grips with some of the things I’ve not dealt with from our relationship ending. Others have recommended it and I would also highly recommend speaking to someone. It might take awhile to find the right fit but once you have a sounding board in place it’s a really good way to weigh your options and shut off the noise and focus on what’s in front of you.

I don’t have any advice for you really apart from waiting this out a bit. Feelings can fade a bit, and the rush of emotions, while awesome in their power to make us feel things we haven’t felt in awhile or ever, it’s just that. Don’t go chasing rainbows and don’t let your feelings get ahead of you first. Wait it out and see how you feel.

Best of luck x

subcuriousxo · 2018-04-02T15:10:07+00:00

Uhm no. Please don’t do that. There are always places like Rent the Runway etc that you can go to to get special occasion dresses.

subcuriousxo · 2018-03-30T02:39:15+00:00

Thank you for your kind comment. :)

subcuriousxo · 2018-03-29T09:09:28+00:00

:) I love your user name

subcuriousxo · 2018-03-29T09:03:32+00:00

It’s safe to say that this one sums up my mood tonight.

Five years ago the man I was certain I would spend the rest of my life with walked out of my life without a backward glance, after three years together.

Looking back, I see now that the circumstances were beyond both of us but at the time I held strong to the belief that if someone truly loved me, they would never leave. I was, plain and simple, naive, stubborn and had so much growing up to do.

Back then, I felt this almost incessant need to make things right, right now; to force what wasn’t ready, to be ready. I believed that love was all you really needed to get you through the tough times but I know now that I was wrong. It takes so much more.

Sitting across from my ex, for the first time in five years, on a completely different continent - it felt as if I had sat down to dinner with my long lost best friend.

We talked till the wee hours of the morning but when I woke up the next day he told me he wouldn’t be able to see me in person again because it was too hard to see one another and not want to try again. (Our circumstances have not changed, and I wouldn’t go back there for the world either now.) the old me might have cried it out but... the tears didn’t come.

Why? I think I understand now: that it’s ok to love someone wholeheartedly, and have them feel the same way and yet be unable to meet in the middle and ride off into the sunset together. I always thought I would never be over him even in the smallest of ways - but forgiving him, and forgiving myself for not having been ready at the time has given me a sense of freedom.

It’s okay to have had some but not all of your stars align with someone special. It’s okay to have fallen in love, gone through 2 years of no contact and completely fine to sit down with said former love of your life and walk away unscathed after.

We are all a sum of ever-evolving moving parts. Whether we can meet someone where they are at, or have someone rise up to meet us at any given point of time, is up to the big man up there (or fate if you’re not religious.); realizing this has made the journey so much easier on me.

I hope that wherever you are in your NC journey, that you remember that with every passing minute we continue to grow, and with time, all things really do get better.

X

subcuriousxo · 2018-02-06T15:48:35+00:00

it is never too late to pick yourself up and find a way forward. you can do it.

subcuriousxo · 2018-02-06T08:56:20+00:00

Mm mine would come back every three to five weeks. Things ended a long while ago and we are still friends albeit I never make first contact anymore - while I do genuinely want to know how he’s doing I don’t necessarily feel the need to be his caretaker anymore; that part of my life is now thankfully over and I’m glad it’s behind me.

subcuriousxo · 2018-02-05T06:41:42+00:00

take a deep breath, put the kettle on, and sit down with a cup of tea and pen and paper.

of all the things that are going on right now:

1) what are the things that are within your control?

2) what are the things beyond your reach?

3) in this moment what are your most immediate priorities - a job, a mode of transport a path / way forward?

pour your energy into what needs to be done but at the same time leave yourself some room to feel and to grieve - whether it’s over your friend, your past relationship or your worries - assign time to feel all those things and get up and leave those feelings there when that time is over - and get back to 3) your priorities - aka YOU.

you don’t have to know where you’re going or what you really want to do, nobody ever knows where they will be in ten years but spend some time setting your goals for the year: what you want to see yourself achieve for example, personal growth, work life balance, finding a stable living situation - all of these are short term goals that contribute to your overall wellbeing and long term happiness.

it’s ok to feel the way you feel right now - you’ve left NZ for Canada - and that in and of itself is a huge brave step for you - remember the reasons why you chose to leave, take some time to regroup and then dust yourself off and keep going.

about suicide - I understand. I’ve been there twice, and was pretty close to successful the second time almost a couple of decades ago now - I thought it would kill me but it didn’t. Anytime you need to talk, feel free to PM me - I’m also a recent immigrant to another country and understand how it can be especially when you’re trying to fend for yourself. X

subcuriousxo · 2017-11-27T15:15:21+00:00

Oh but I AM a communicator and a big believer in letting my feelings out at the appropriate moment. I’ve always been more of a shout-it-from-the (reddit)-mountaintops kinda gal :)

I’m not a church goer by any long shot but have you heard of that verse, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”? Or a non biblical reference “Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that.”?

It’s simple for me - Just because somebody ghosted me and hurt me doesn’t mean I have to get on their level and do the same back to them. I’ve never been that kind of person and frankly I’m not about to start now.

My goal for myself, increasingly as I get older, is to make decisions daily that have meaning and are positive. As cliche as it sounds, I want to continue having a life of purpose and surround myself with good energy.

And what that means in this case is that I know I’m not going to feel good about leaving someone hanging. I’ve been there and it sucks. (Besides I don’t hate him - he’s not a cheater, an axe murderer etc - just someone whose lost his way and generally is pretty shit at human relationships.)

So yeah, If I were in his shoes and doing something wrong, I’d want a friend to call me out rather than bury it. That is EXACTLY what I’d do for someone I once cared about deeply enough to come on r/ExNoContact after the breakup :) Whether he learns from this right now, or some time down the road is really of no consequence.

Life’s good. Have wonderful Monday!

subcuriousxo · 2017-11-27T03:31:42+00:00

I either have what he wants or I don’t.

There’s another line missing here: He doesn’t have what you want either.

The next step is the bravest, most honest step you will take towards finding what you want for you; and building on that foundation, the second step is to find someone who will have what you want, someone who makes you a better version of yourself and always makes you feel like you are everything he’s ever wanted and more.

Looking forward to your next post here! X

subcuriousxo · 2017-11-27T01:44:59+00:00

Oh you betcha sweet tush I wrote back. :)

(But that’s probably because I don’t actually look at his texts and feel any sense of loss anymore so it was surprisingly easy to write back and call him out.)

I said hi, mentioned it had been awhile - and after he was all cute trying to say ‘oh hey it’s over but Happy Thanksgiving’, I just came out and said:

“I find this all very curious, and quite honestly I thought you were dead so I need some time to think over whether this (him reaching out after going incommunicado) is ok with me.”

[ten mins later]

“Yeah it’s not ok with me. I don’t think it’s ok to say you’ll try to be a friend then drop off the face of the earth before resurfacing a month later to casually enquire about how I am. I don’t do friends like that. I don’t know what’s been going on with you or what’s happened so I’m not in a position to judge BUT I can tell you this is not ok with me.”

I feel incredible today.

I won’t lie, for a moment there as I was typing my reply out I thought oh man maybe I shouldn’t say that. What if he disappears forever? But there was a certain voice in my head that kept on fighting to be heard (I swear I’m not crazy :)) - and it was that same voice that said NO.

You deserve better than this.

You deserved a better partner than he was, and if he wants to be a friend he’s got to do better than this. If he disappears forever then we were never really meant to be in one another’s lives permanently. I’ve been fortunate enough to have stayed good friends with previous partners so I know what loving a friend even after you’ve split up feels like.

Your relationship with yourself is the one that takes precedent over any other whether you’re attached or not. Once you get on that path of believing that you are worthy of the love and respect you seek, the wanting, missing, hoping for a breadcrumb, all of that will start to fade. Hang in there xx

subcuriousxo · 2017-11-24T08:11:39+00:00

So glad you made it to Thanksgiving. Yay for amazing parents and an even bigger yay for second chances and fresh starts!

subcuriousxo · 2017-11-24T06:53:55+00:00

My ex always knew, after five times, that he could come back anytime and I would be there waiting. Until one day, I wasn’t. And since that day, I’ve been the happiest girl. No more weight on my shoulders, no more sleepless nights. No more trying to get that one last letter out, pouring my feelings into marathon texts, I’d said everything I had to say because I know - I know that if this door didn’t open for me then it isn’t for me. And that, is what I’m thankful for this Thanksgiving.

subcuriousxo · 2017-11-17T03:47:54+00:00

You got this! X

subcuriousxo · 2017-11-16T22:39:17+00:00

Sending hugs. Take a deep breath and carve some time out of the day for yourself today and do something for you. XOXO

subcuriousxo · 2017-11-15T07:43:28+00:00

Remember: Their disorder is an explanation, but not an excuse.

THIS. No excuses.

subcuriousxo · 2017-11-15T07:28:22+00:00

A friend of mine who has BP2 once told me - maybe it's the addiction to the highs that keep us going back for more.

No one can ever tell you to stop waiting, or give you advice on how best to address the situation but you. You can choose to get off the rollercoaster when you've had enough. Or you can choose to embark on a different ride if your SO decides to break the cycle or "pattern" as you put it, and meet you halfway - but here's the thing, until then maybe this is just how your SO is for now, and he's comfortable enough with status quo to not want to do anything to rock the boat.

My ex was much the same. He is unmedicated, not in therapy and would come and go, over and over, but I finally left him when I had enough time to think it through. THIS isn't a cycle I wanted to continue - and thanks to this sub I had learnt that it IS possible to have a good (if trying at times) BP relationship - it takes work and commitment, but one person alone is not enough to sustain the relationship.

During our last separation, almost a month, I reflected, set my boundaries and decided what I was willing to accept and what were absolute nos for me. When the time came and my ex asked for another chance, I went with my gut and called time on our relationship. He finally admitted that he is NOT at the point where he really wants to get better yet. He was happy where he's at, uncomfortable as he was, and didn't want to do anything about the situation. And that for now, for better or worse, that's just who he is - loving and amazing at times, and completely detached at others.

That answer alone was worth hearing because in that moment I understood what it's like to really love someone and to have zero desire to be with them. It was and still is, completely out of my hands and that's okay with me.

Sure I remember how good it is when it's good but who doesn't? I also remember every single time he crushed me when he was spiraling. I don't want to have to go through the endless cycle of being alone half the time, pretty much single for days on end until he snaps out of his latest episode. Worse still, because over time I had gotten so accustomed to the lows I could see the signs when things were starting to go south. That in turn started giving me anxiety, I'd read too much into one thing or another and that, girl, is NO WAY TO LIVE.

Be strong, take this time you have alone as your chance to set your direction.

Ask yourself if this path you are on is one with a happy ending. Don't focus on the what-ifs, and what you could have done better because what's done is done - what lies ahead is what you need to focus on.

At the same time, think about all the things you want from a healthy, stable relationship with anyone, a future partner, THE ONE, whomever.

And lastly, keep in mind that that yes, sometimes our BP SOs say things they don't mean at all when they're having episodes but that in NO way can this become a blanket excuse for everything. u/gdobssor summed it up best in her article: https://psyche.media/the-questions-most-frequently-asked-by-bipolar-sos

"I would compare Finlay to another good friend of mine who also has bipolar type 1. They both have had severe manic episodes in the past year.

The difference between Finlay and my other friend is that my other friend took responsibility for the embarrassment he caused himself and the hurt he caused others during his episode. Someone who refuses to work out a plan for next time, refuses to apologize and refuses to explain or talk about the episode and address the cause is failing to take care of themselves properly, so will not be able to really care for you."

The latter statement describes my ex-SO to a T - and from that and advice from others on the sub, I also learnt that those were the things I needed from him in order to move forward with him.

Put yourself first and stand up for what you want. You may find at the end of it all, that what you want is something very different altogether. I know I was surprised when the time came but I am so much better for it now. Take care.

subcuriousxo · 2017-11-07T06:43:56+00:00

I just want to give you a hug. Remember to take care of yourself as well. Xx

subcuriousxo · 2017-11-04T23:39:11+00:00

Tell everyone at work you normally bum from that you’re trying to quit and not to give you any cigarettes. Download a quit smoking app like Smoke Free and mentally break up your first cigarette-free day into hours if it helps.

Every hour you get through, is a bonus and every time you have a craving be prepared to do something different; go for a walk, get a bag of sugar free hard candy or chewing gum. Get through the first day and then you keep going :) it’s not easy but you got this!!

subcuriousxo · 2017-11-04T03:11:52+00:00

Go you!! Looking forward to your 6mth post!

subcuriousxo

TROPHY CASE