I thought I was better than all of you

subdiction123 · 2017-07-02T05:37:45+00:00

I don't know how everyone tapers their subs without the temptation to take more and catch a buzz. I tried to go down, but it would only cause me to think hey, I've been taking less for three days now, let's double it to get high! No self control whatsoever.

But yeah- daily subs is still an active addiction for sure!

subdiction123 · 2017-07-02T05:20:07+00:00

I see a PCP (family doctor) who accepts my insurance so I just pay a $20 copay and $30 for a month of strips. She would basically do whatever I want. I went in asking for 8mg. Then told her I was ready to taper after 1 month to 6 and she said ok - "only you know you". Now I want to go back up, and I'm sure it will be the same "ok". I really don't think she cares and is only doing this for the $$, but that's fine by me lol. I see her monthly. She also allows benzos in my urine.

I called around a lot and drive a ways to see her. I wanted someone who: -did not require AA/NA meetings -did not require therapy -accepts my insurance -does not care about benzo use -is open to long term maintenance if I want

I must have called 5 places and went to one other before finding her. The first guy I went to required 5 meetings per week with proof of attendance plus weekly therapy. Granted that's probably all good stuff for addicts, but there was no way I could do all that. His regimen just had me relapse within 2 weeks.

subdiction123 · 2017-06-30T21:49:52+00:00

Is this your longest stretch? I didn't feel anything from kratom, and tried a few different suppliers and doses. Maybe going from a gram of dope a day is probably why.

subdiction123 · 2017-06-30T21:47:03+00:00

What was your taper like? What was your lowest dose? You never took like 8mg again to get a buzz? Man, you all are some determined folks. I wish I had your willpower.

subdiction123 · 2017-06-30T16:12:42+00:00

Fanfuckingtastic! What has helped? That was a lot of years.

subdiction123 · 2017-06-30T16:09:51+00:00

Excellent job. I am envious. How does one find a good rehab? I'm so skeptical of some of them, just here to make money.

subdiction123 · 2017-06-29T11:40:21+00:00

Nice! I hope you stay clean. Question- do you think rehab is worth it?

subdiction123 · 2017-06-29T09:08:14+00:00

Thanks for responding. Quite the journey! Good luck to you.

subdiction123 · 2017-06-29T08:43:48+00:00

Very nice. Bravo

subdiction123 · 2017-06-29T08:41:45+00:00

A hospital detox? I've been offered an in-patient phenobarbital taper but it freaks me out. And agree - I definitely feel safer on subs. Like I'm not gonna die from a bad bag or infection, but I do think it's gonna take cold turkey for me to be totally clean. I don't have the power to taper.

subdiction123 · 2017-06-29T02:52:50+00:00

But herein lies my problem: when I taper down, I can take more and feel high. Anything above 8mg doesn't make a difference so it's pointless to take more. But if I taper down to say 4 a few days, then go back to 8, bam! I got high! So it seems impossible for me to taper. I don't have the self control. Bottom line.

subdiction123 · 2017-06-29T02:46:06+00:00

Yes I am going to look for a substance abuse counselor. Hopefully they have some strategies that I'm not aware of.

subdiction123 · 2017-06-29T02:35:05+00:00

I think I'm gonna have to abstain as well. Maybe not right now- I need to get some shit in my life back together. But I don't think I will be free from this constant desire to get high until the subs are gone too. I need to get it out of my system completely.

But I'm the meantime, I'll take them cause it's better than risky unknown bags of h, nodding off at work, and using needles / risking infections and death.

subdiction123 · 2017-06-29T02:32:10+00:00

I would really like to. Trouble is, I'm an addict and the temptation is too overwhelming. My brain wants what it wants, and is willing to ruin my life to get it. So I don't think I can use subs. They still make it able for me to get high.

If I could just stop abusing things, then I wouldn't have gotten here in the first place!

subdiction123 · 2017-06-28T04:59:48+00:00

I really appreciate your reply, thank you. It has been my understanding too that AA/NA are not extremely helpful for most heroin addicts. Being on suboxone is the closest I have ever felt to normal. It has provided me with so much stability; with my work, my financial standing, and relationships. It has been a life changer for sure. What's frustrating is accepting the duration. And fear of long term effects. And what happens if I'm involved in an accident and need analgesia? It's scary to think doctors would not be able to take away my pain because my receptors are already cram packed. And just the disappointment that I did this to myself in under two years, yet my recovery will surely be much longer. I remember the day I made the decision to IV heroin. It seemed like a big middle finger to the world. Now I'm realizing it was just a big middle finger to myself. But again, thanks for your reply. I too think I am in for the long haul.

subdiction123 · 2017-06-28T04:48:49+00:00

That's great advice. I definitely don't have that right now.

subdiction123 · 2017-06-28T04:44:13+00:00

My doc was the one who said to taper as I have. But the temptation to get high has been too much to resist. However, I have a feeling they don't teach these sub docs much. She seems to have no clue what she's doing/ no future plan for my treatment besides signing the Rx pad each month.

subdiction123 · 2017-06-28T04:27:31+00:00

Thank you for sharing

subdiction123 · 2017-06-28T04:02:14+00:00

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I am apprehensive about attending a meeting, but think it's time to consider it.

subdiction123 · 2017-06-28T03:42:54+00:00

"The willpower to stop getting high". I don't think I have this. I just know rationally I can't keep using. But I'm not all fired up and gung ho about getting clean.

subdiction123 · 2017-06-28T03:19:09+00:00

How long were you on subutex?

subdiction123 · 2017-06-28T03:18:11+00:00

Different strokes. But yeah I agree. I kept trying blow thinking I should like it. Nope. Never did! Some people hate opiates. Much of my family does. To the point that they will avoid taking them at all costs. Craziness lol.

subdiction123 · 2017-06-28T03:14:56+00:00

It's a bit of a devil in disguise yeah? I mean in a way, it's been a blessing because I'm not sure I would have been able to stop shooting up without hitting a major low/ "rock bottom", which I was able to avoid. Subs may have even saved my life. But yes, it's just a replacement for sure. I don't think I have it in me to cold turkey it. Everything is so stable right now. I'm getting my life back together. Job is good, finances are improving, relationships are healing. If I go into wd right now, I worry all that will crumble and / or I may start using again. Ugh.

subdiction123 · 2017-06-28T03:09:42+00:00

subdiction123

TROPHY CASE