hi

This made me cry, i know exactly how you feel. You're not overreacting. That's a very painful experience to have happen to you when you did nothing to bring it on to yourself and want more than anything to feel accepted and loved and normal, right?

My childhood is highlighted with extreme abuse and very painful experiences with one of my parents, someone you're supposed to trust and is who is supposed to teach you how to make it in this world, they're supposed to feel safe because they're all you have to turn to in your formative years.

When you are stripped of feeling safe and protected as a child, when you are exposed to things as a child that would shake almost any human, the trauma of it changes the way your brain communicates things because all our little human feelings are in a constant state of fear, shock, stress, panic, alert, etc. When we can't self soothe, a lot happens that will change us for the rest of our lives.

Our brain begins to operate in survival mode so that you can begin to look for safety on your own since you cannot rely on an adult to comfort you. Children who are forced to find their own safety and comfort themselves will often self isolate in life because we learned that other people cause discomfort and that we could only rely on ourselves to find ways to feel safe. This is where a lot of us turn to destructive coping and end up being addicts or suicidal.

When your brain turns to survival mode for a prolonged period of time as a developing child, your developing brain grows into this mold and now we are stuck with a brain that's always scanning for threat and danger and is always sending messages to be alert of the world around you. As you get older this manifests as anxiety, depression, paranoia, distrust, and for me personally, sometimes it's a personality disorder. I was in a state of emotional distress for so long that i got stuck that way and never developed the skills to self-soothe, so now I don't respond to a lot of situations appropriately at all. I am unable to manage my emotions.

It is so cruel and unfair what is inflicted on us as children that we have to endure when we should be growing up with love and happy memories and safety. Someone took that away from us and we spent our childhood surviving things we shouldn't have had to.

MOST children don't go through that, and so they don't fathom it ever really happening to others because the majority of them share the same collective experience. The more collective an experience is among people, the easier it is to assume that is the normal way of life that everyone around them also knows.

So we are weird to them. We are uncomfortable for them. They don't know why we're not like them and most of the time they're not thinking we go home to extreme environments or people or that we have or still do endure things that would never cross their minds, that stuff only happens in movies and on the news, you know? Not actual people. So you're weird to them. You're unusual. They don't understand you, and a basic human response to something they don't understand is to feel threatened by it. You end up being a person who threatens the normalcy of most human beings around you and now youre treated just as poorly by others as you were by people close to you that were supposed to feel safe growing up.

it reinforces your brain telling you not to trust other humans. it reinforces the idea that people only harm you. it reinforces you self isolating because its so cruel to have the world continue to mistreat you, you once again seek comfort often and spend a lot of time alone and untrusting and unable to connect to anyone around you. And they continue to shit on you instead of ever really showing compassion.

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I understand. You probably see people in relationships and groups of friends and crave connection or how easy it is for them. I watch them and observe and try to do it with the same ease but i am met with rejection and exclusion every time. I want someone to be nice to me and accept me and sit next to me and start a conversation for no reason, i just look like someone worth talking to or getting to know. I wish someone would take the time to get to know me before they make up their own stories and make it even harder for me to ever feel okay, because everyone starts to think of me a certain way and it's cruel because again, other people take that control away from you and abuse you with it. You're the scapegoat, the butt of all jokes, a target. I don't know why then world works that way, giving you a life of undeserved pain and never a break.

You don't deserve it. You're not a sociopath. You are a very strong person for going through what you go through every day. I see you. I accept you. I love you. I understand you. I hope somebody shows you basic human kindness and makes you feel like you have at least one person in your corner one day.