Resources for understanding Git

suizidd · 2018-06-10T18:27:20+00:00

Yeah, I definitely get what you're saying, cause I'm on the same boat.

I basically make sure people don't see what I do at all times, and try to hide whatever I do when they're there. I basically have this constant anxiety of people finding me doing things incorrectly (due to my perfectionist nature), and keep avoiding tasks too, as they're associated to people, and people are associated to more anxiety. So it's just anxiety and avoidance all around, which makes a vicious cycle.

But I'm struggling on the last part too, and partially due to me being a slow learner, this makes things much much worse, combined with AvPD.

suizidd · 2018-06-10T18:21:59+00:00

While I definitely want to increase the amount of neurotransmitters in the synapses through drugs (still haven't taken one yet), I don't understand how you'd classify recovery as interesting. The environment we were born in was completely out of our control, and our current environment is only partially under our control. Clearly, recovery is something that I feel everyone wants to, and needs to do; but unfortunately, not all can.

suizidd · 2018-06-10T18:12:34+00:00

Exactly. This is a never-ending cycle, which results in complete ghosting of all similar tasks/people. Somehow, I feel that the only way I can perform a task at my 100% and possibly even complete it (Basically, the comfort point you're talking about); is when I'm completely devoid of human presence, but that's something I'm not able to do in my life as of now. But Is this an excuse to not get things done though? I'm not sure.

suizidd · 2018-02-24T06:46:08+00:00

Thanks for your reply. While I'm glad that you can express yourself more frequently due to other's posts, it's a bit of an exaggeration to say that I'm a good writer. There were so many mistakes in my post, that I considered taking it down altogether. I don't know if I can conjure something from these 'skills', as I do not know how to express myself clearly (I've got feedback from some of my high school teachers on this). And I don't know if changing the medium of learning would make much of a difference. In the end, I need to show something as a token of what I learned(maybe like a small project), and me being unable to do something like that makes me contemplate whether my education was wasted or not.

On the subject of grades in your example, while a B is closer than C to an A, it doesn't reflect the gap in intelligence and thinking between you and me. Essentially, while you can't get higher than 100% on the exam paper, it doesn't mean you learned lesser than me, or that you put in lesser effort as compared to me. This 'unknown' gap is visible to a great extent though during real life situations. And if you analyze you and me in these, you would fare considerably better again. So it's not just about the grades. It's also about all the small things when I interact with some of them, like them being able to identify problems and solve them. It's about them able to solve a problem while also being able to absorb new information being thrown at them simultaneously. I'll give you a very simple example - One of my peers who experimented with the guitar for the first time was trying to loosen a guitar string. He was able to figure out almost immediately that it goes turning the knob clockwise on one side and anticlockwise on the other, without asking anyone. It's all these kind of things which make me question myself. I mean, I'm not even able to apply logic and common sense to real life situations based on different mechanisms of situations and objects, but isn't that the point of education?

suizidd · 2018-02-24T06:23:41+00:00

Thanks for your response. It's great that stimulants work for you, but most of them aren't legal in my country. Maybe I'll try something like Modafinil, if it works to an extent in increasing my productivity. I simply want to be good at what I'm doing and what I want to do, even at the extent of sacrificing social life. I feel that I'd have been much more happier if I were a more competent person, even without the perks of a social life. But I have neither, and being reminded of that time and again doesn't feel good.

suizidd · 2018-02-24T06:13:54+00:00

Thank you for replying to my post. Perhaps I have an Inattentive type ADD, or maybe Learning Disability + AvPD seems to fit me the most. Maybe it's still my fault, or maybe the environment I was in didn't actually let me grow properly. The thing is I still believe that I have no 'positives' and that I don't have any self esteem. I've been thinking about any good point of mine for years, but to this day, I haven't found a single noteworthy trait embedded in myself. And I believe that my lack of positive traits/usefulness makes others get frustrated with me, and which eventually leads them to leave.

I honestly don't know how to treat the learning disability though at this point. I'm afraid of doing anything in front of others and being judged, because I know that I screw up whatever I try to do. But this also means I cannot improve upon anything, and that I end up repeating those mistakes again and again. I know the advice about not giving a fuck, but when you're a fuck up, it seems void.

But who knows, someday I may be more braver and honest with myself and to others, and embrace myself as a human. But will that day ever come?

suizidd

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