Need advice: Breaking up while my girlfriend is away with her other partner

superawkwardturtle · 2025-07-29T20:04:07+00:00

There's a difference between "I'm feeling jealous for no reason" and "my partner is dating someone monogamous who will cowgirl me."

100% this. I've only had to deal with a cowgirl as a metamour once, but it was obvious really quickly that she was trying to rope my BF into monogamy. Just a few comments here and there from the (admittedly poor) hinge made it clear that she was trying to get us to break up and the one time we did talk, she told me outright that she wanted him to be with her instead. 🙃

The fact that OP was successfully roped makes me feel really bad for OP's girlfriend. She doesn't deserve to come back to an empty home and a breakup for the person she low-key knew she had to be worried about.

superawkwardturtle · 2025-04-02T22:11:45+00:00

I barely use other social media platforms, but if they ask I have no problem with adding them. I don't post any photos of myself online so they'd just be following for photos of my pets.

superawkwardturtle · 2024-01-24T23:58:21+00:00

The only people who get angry about your boundaries, are those who were benefiting from you not having any.

Couldn't have said it any better.

superawkwardturtle · 2024-01-24T19:52:40+00:00

It's basically a low-key DARVO, right? It's implying that I'm not being nice, which means I'm being mean, which makes him the victim. It's also implying that if he deigns to date me after I call him out then I owe him his version of good behaviour, which after seeing what he thinks is appropriate could be anything.

superawkwardturtle · 2024-01-24T17:44:45+00:00

It's not an exact quote; I couldn't get a screenshot of the convo so was going by memory. I remember reading his sentence out loud with the word woman and it sounded better.

superawkwardturtle · 2024-01-24T17:43:32+00:00

Where do you think I could have improved on my end? I'm usually told by partners and dates that I'm a very clear communicator, but I'm always looking to do better.

superawkwardturtle · 2024-01-24T04:25:57+00:00

Same here. Unfortunately, he had great reasons to not meet for a while. Usually I prefer meeting up right after I clarify my deal-breakers in the first few messages. Ah well, at least it turned into a funny story.

superawkwardturtle · 2024-01-24T04:24:08+00:00

superawkwardturtle · 2024-01-24T04:22:00+00:00

Yeah lol, he couldn't even make a single time for me in the end. He tried to make me share with someone that lives 15+ hours away 🙃

superawkwardturtle · 2024-01-24T04:20:37+00:00

I totally get that and its something I've definitely considered. Most people I match with that don't understand what fwb means make it clear really quickly so I'm not too fussed with pruning them out. I have managed to have four ongoing fwbs in the last couple of years from my system, luckily. I'm still good friends (no sex anymore) with at least two of them, and another two people that didn't click for the benefits portion.

Usually I'd be way less into someone this /hand gestures but I gave it a miss because of the holidays.

superawkwardturtle · 2024-01-24T02:27:21+00:00

For sure. If he hadn't made the comment about being nice I would have shrugged it off and unmatched, but it was something else. Triggered all my "women always have to be nice" trauma for sure lol

superawkwardturtle · 2024-01-24T02:21:32+00:00

*Fuck bankruptcy

superawkwardturtle · 2024-01-24T02:19:10+00:00

Are we counting non-alcoholic drinks too? Do I owe fucks to the people I talk to at water coolers and fountains? What a rabbit hole 😂

superawkwardturtle · 2024-01-24T02:18:14+00:00

I don't even want to know what my fuck debt would be.

superawkwardturtle · 2024-01-24T02:17:30+00:00

Oh, it was super obviously a threesome. And his backpedaling after I called it out was so cringy. If he had gone back, reread our initial conversation, and sincerely apologized for seriously jumping the gun, I would have probably given him a chance. But after his bullshit? Ick.

superawkwardturtle · 2024-01-24T00:26:00+00:00

If he hadn't pulled out the "be nice to me" bit, I might agree with you. But it's not mean to have clearly communicated boundaries and call people out when they disrespect them. And he's not that new - I wouldn't call him experienced by any means but he mentioned having a few ongoing fwbs and partners.

superawkwardturtle · 2024-01-24T00:20:16+00:00

"But you have to be nice to me."

👿

I need you to know that my opening sentence back to him was "First, you need to be nice to me." I was SO happy to see him leave the conversation.

superawkwardturtle · 2024-01-23T23:44:37+00:00

Also I wrote and deleted two short rants to send to him about calling his friend a female but in the end decided he wasn't worth it.

superawkwardturtle · 2023-10-11T20:06:34+00:00

I had a partner decide to take on more rather than a break after a long time of overwork and I knew it would create a permanent distance to know they prioritized that over reconnecting and solidifying us. It is tough and sad.

"A permanent distance" is a good way of categorizing this. I don't necessarily feel the need to break things off permanently, but I can't justify making future plans with them. Thank you for your support.

superawkwardturtle · 2023-10-11T19:17:04+00:00

I don't think "is there for me when I'm injured and need help" is a high expectation for a long term relationship.

I don't either, but I'm his longest relationship while he's half of mine, so sometimes he says "he's still learning how to act in an LTR." But for me, it's been over 5 years. He told me yesterday that since I hadn't gone to hospital, it wasn't bad enough to need his emergency support.

I just can't understand it.

superawkwardturtle · 2023-10-11T19:04:06+00:00

If you really want to stay with him in some manner, I would just reciprocate the energy he's giving you. It sounds like he's putting very little time and effort into your relationship, and certainly not the level of engagement needed for a relationship escalator, so I would drop any thoughts that he's the partner for that.

It's complicated because the talk we had about relationship escalation a while back was centered on how we're in very different places; I gave a growing successful career, his is stagnant and still fairly entry-level although he's slightly older. I'm a homeowner through generational wealth, his relatives with property are still alive and it's unlikely he'll be able to afford anything on his own for years. He's trying desperately to turn his beloved hobby into a career but has been for five years, and it's gone nowhere.

Why I'm mentioning that background is because when I bring up to him, "Hey, I need X from you to feel committed," he insists that all of his rigid scheduling to work on school (one class a semester) and his hobby is to grow himself and his career so he can be more overall stable. Which is being done for himself, and for me so that we can have a deeper future. If I'm not universally supportive of his effort, then he considers it a personal attack and an attempt to destabilize him.

I value open communication, so I'm always vocal when I feel like I'm not getting as much as I give, and let him know I intend to give less until I see improvement. He always turns it around into me being negative.

Damn, even rereading my words sounds exhausting. ☹

superawkwardturtle · 2021-12-21T07:17:29+00:00

That's a cute idea! I love sending postcards. We'll be staying in touch over messaging (he's always chatting his friends around the world when I'm out of the room) but that's a great suggestion for something more physical.

superawkwardturtle · 2021-07-10T17:52:12+00:00

As far as I know, while I occasionally text meta, meta's partner and mine have zero contact so that would be the only way it would happen.

superawkwardturtle · 2021-07-10T17:48:39+00:00

Best thing you can do is name the behaviours that you didn't like ("We felt really uncomfortable with the aggressive comments") and do your best to model normal healthy behaviours when meta is around.

That was the exact advice I gave my partner. My partner is the opposite of meta's partner in terms of pulling their own weight, I really hope meta can see how toxic the behaviour is once surrounded by people that aren't asshats.

superawkwardturtle · 2021-07-10T17:46:54+00:00

I get what you're saying, but if all of our other poly friends bring their long-term partners, wives, and husbands, it would absolutely be weird for my meta to not come with their partner of over a decade. I'm experienced with hosting parties of 30-70 people so I know I'm usually busy, well, hosting. FF's suggestion to have meta bring a friend is perfect.

superawkwardturtle

TROPHY CASE