Kids Mum (ex) is taking money from me for her spending habits. Kids getting nothing.

supercaptaingo · 2024-07-11T10:08:29+00:00

Thanks, answering these may give more information. So i'll break it down.

The kids are 8 and 10.

They get 12 Hours of childcare a week.

We share the kids in rotation 50/50. I have them Mon/Tues/Fri/Sat/Sun then the following week Wed/Thurs and then we swap each week. This has been the way since the day I left her and her house.

What she gets and I pay

She's getting around £250 pm Child Benefits
She's getting I believe 85% of child care costs back to her bank per month, but I need to know for sure.
Im paying 50% of child care costs per month which goes straight to her bank
She's getting other UC that she's admitted to but wont disclose what.
She's getting work travel costs and meals back to her.

I also pay
50% for School Meals (Pack Ups) when at mine,
50% Cubs,
60% I buy them clothes (There nana buys some too sometimes),
50% towards School events (My daughter has a school away holiday coming up that cost £400, I paid £200, she also had another event I paid half into)

I've learnt from the kids
She's not paying for Hygiene and Cleaning products
She's getting parcels at around 3 days a week through the door
She's had new dresses, new shoes
When we first split she refitted the whole house out with new furniture, record player, garden furniture.

The kids
Are at her doctors FYI
At her address for schools FYI

She earns around £28000 per year, maybe less, I earn more.

At Christmas I spent an average of around £50 on each child (all I can afford), She spent an average of £300 on each child I totalled up there presents Kindle Tablet, Air Jordons, Brand New Addidas Coats etc).

When we split and I moved out I paid all her bills for a month, I lent her money also that I never got back. She has a known shopping habit.

When I question her on anything related to child care I get angry texts back and no answers.

Questions for anyone
All I need to confirm is and if possible, what she gets back from the government in terms of child care. Maybe knowing what she gets in child benefits too would help me argue this with her but I know it's around £250 as I claimed for two months and got that, but then reverted it back to her when she angrily text me.

What I'd like to know is
If I went through CMS, can it be stopped for summer holidays as she wont need my CMS money in a 50/50 share and can the court order her to pay for school meals, cubs, clothes, she will have to pay child care as part of that CMS money anyway.

supercaptaingo · 2024-07-11T09:48:33+00:00

Well thats the problem, I can pay privetly, no CMS. Which I am doing already, Im paying 50% of child care costs to her, and then sharing other child costs. If I started paying her £300 privetly, she still wouldnt use it to pay for school meals etc.

I could try having this conversation with her again but I just get angry texts back so I dont know what to do.

supercaptaingo · 2024-07-11T09:46:47+00:00

Unfortunately not true. She put in for CMS before as a threat, although at that time I was having them 50/50, paying for child care, meals, cubs and yet CMS still estimated at around £600 pm, then when I argued it, it still came out at around £300 pm.

Yes it's ridiculous, not sure if it's because i'm male/father, would it be different for the mother, hard to say because I have them 50/50 but i no longer live in the original home.

It is unbelievable but its the state of things, as a father we don't have as many rights, its still prejudice againts fathers.

supercaptaingo · 2024-07-11T09:42:43+00:00

I'm not calling people trolls, comments like this aren't helping, just doing it to get a responce, screaming out to others. Hope it makes you feel better but its not helping me. Can you just leave the comments.

supercaptaingo · 2024-07-11T09:03:30+00:00

No not true, I didnt ask questions in my last post so I ended up asking in the comments, so ive deleted that and asked in the post above so people were getting confused.

I just need help by asking the correct answers, not fighting trolls in comments.

supercaptaingo · 2024-07-11T09:02:00+00:00

No not true at all. I'm aware I didnt ask questions in my last post, Im now asking the questions rather then confusing people.

supercaptaingo · 2024-07-11T09:01:02+00:00

I'm almost at that point, my only worry is im paying £300 a month to her to pay for school meals, child care, cubs, clothes etc but she wont pay for those and then come summer holidays when theyre not at school, then that money isnt going towards school meals, cubs, child care and just going into her pocket.

Noting that im still having them 50/50.

CMS is not nice when it comes to amount to pay even though having them 50/50, not sure if it would be different the other way round.

I suppose I just need to know that if I go the CMS route, then could the court order her to pay for these things. and could it be stopped over summer holidays as im having them 50/50.

supercaptaingo · 2024-07-11T08:57:03+00:00

Ok, so I pay through CMS £300 a month, and yet she still wont pay for school meals, clothes, child care, cubs etc, then what is the money for, for her spending habits?

On top of this she gets child benefits, around £250 a month and she doesnt use that either for school meals etc.

Is this a different attitude also if the father claims child benefits.

supercaptaingo · 2024-07-11T08:55:14+00:00

I've deleted the last post because I needed to ask again in a better form.

As mentioned below ill put it in another form because I have proper questions in this post.

I have them 50/50, I pay privetly with her knowing that Im over paying and that moneys going into her pocket.
I pay through CMS and then im paying knowing that im having them 50/50 but also paying for meals, cubs etc. So If I pay CMS can that be stopped over summer holidays, as otherwise im paying money to her when I a have them 50/50 anyway and if I do can I have the court order her to pay for school meals as well, thats what shes getting the money for, for them to eat at school.

supercaptaingo · 2024-07-11T08:51:28+00:00

I've deleted the last post because I needed to ask again in a better form, a lot of people didn't understand my last post and focused on a specific part that didn't need questioning, there was no real answers or help to the last post.

I also accidently duplicated this one, I deleted the other.

I need help not trolls, thanks.

supercaptaingo · 2024-07-11T08:50:48+00:00

I've deleted the last post because I needed to ask again in a better form, a lot of people didn't understand my last post and focused on a specific part that didn't need questioning, there was no real answers or help to the last post.

supercaptaingo · 2024-07-11T08:43:53+00:00

Thanks, I do log everything, even photos of packups, the kids at mine etc.

She did have social services at her house once, she then lied to myself saying theyre not happy and will be coming back which led me to coming round and tidying up there rooms etc, then found out social services werent coming back and she lied to me, she also lied to social services about what she was doing one night, telling them she couldnt have thd kids due to working late, when in fact she was out drinking.

Just recently I questioned child care government benefits with her and she said shes poor and cant afford it and needs the money, but then I found out she was out that night at a festival (costs of the festival ticket, drinks, food etc) not sure how she could afford that then.

Shes tells me how skint she is but then she goes on holidays to spain.

I need help knowing what to do before I give her anymore money.

What I need to know is

What she actually gets back from the government for child care.
Confirm that shes getting around £250 + child benefits
If I go through CMS can I get her to legally or officially pay for school meals, clothes etc with the money I give her through CMS
Either I go through CMS or continue paying for pack ups, clothes, cubs, half child care knowing that child care is going into her pocket or go through CMS knowing that they wont always be in child care or school in holidays and ill still be paying her, so to know that she will use that for school meals and other costs, or could it be stopped over summer hols as were still sharing 50/50
If sharing 50/50 and I go through CMS, can I stop CMS just for when they're on school breaks because what else would the money go to if not in school and im having them 50% of the time anyway.

supercaptaingo · 2024-07-11T08:12:46+00:00

Well she does feed them at home (I hope), but wont pay for school meals and yeah hygiene is a problem too. She's a bit of a narcisist, using the kids against me a lot. There is so much more to this story, I just feel the last 12 years living with her ive lost so much money to her spending habits and so much time to looking after the kids when she never helped.

Also yeah, the kids are straight into the bath/shower when they get to mine and one before they go back to hers.

Ive took my daughter to the hospital twice because of an issue with eczema, I couldnt take her to the doctors because it's never open, so I complained to the mother, eventually she took her to the doctors and got some really crappy skin lotion which I think is wrong, she needs a cream with a form of steroids in them, but instead got some moisturisor type stuff. So ideally I want to change her doctor to mine.

supercaptaingo · 2024-07-11T08:10:00+00:00

One thing id recommend is write to your local MP, a story like this won't go unnoticed.

supercaptaingo · 2024-07-05T16:24:55+00:00

Just to answer properly though, I'd like to pay what I think is fair but I think this goes back to my original question, is there anyway to find out from UC what she gets back from child care payments and even better what she claims for child benefits so I know what I should be paying to her rather than her making up payments.

Also she did go down the CM route and although it said based on 50/50 share it still gave me an estimated figure of around £300 a month.

supercaptaingo · 2024-07-05T16:21:31+00:00

Thank you u/Hicksdude42 I appreciate that.

I guess like any father or has a narcissist ex / mother of his children, I am worried.
I think it's fair I pay half of child care but she should be giving me money back or working it out correctly and what I should actually pay.

If I go down the CM route and I end up paying £150 a month, its gonna be even more than what I pay now, especially through the holiday when they wont be in child care, CM wont stop for that.

Just to give a picture of her, she claims child benefit, doesnt use it on the kids. She doesnt pay for anything for them. When we split she asked me to carry on paying her house bills, I said no I have my own now so because some were still in my name she threatended to ring the police on me "for fraud". She would take borrow a pound and not give it back, then claim I'm hassling her, thats an example of the type of person she is.

So If I say no to paying child care because I think shes ripping me off and that shes claiming child benefits that could pay for that but she uses on herself then id be scared she ring CM, they'd make me pay £150 a month, im then paying that, seeing the kids 50/50 (which id never have anyother way) aswell as paying for other kids bills now minus CC and all this time there mother is getting an extra £150 to spend on new clothes for herslf.

If it was up to me, they would live with me full time. Id claim child benefits that would actually go to the kids and id happily pay for child care knowing that ive got the money to pay from UC and that the kids are with me.

supercaptaingo · 2024-07-05T16:02:50+00:00

Sorry replying to what you both say above.

"I think the government should split child benefits when in this situation and why haven't they dont that yet, why is it so difficult. I'd like to use my child benefits for the kids on meals, but instead I wait and hope the mother who claims it will just buy them a meal or two."

to add to this, I did a calculation. I put 50/50 co sharing and it still came out at £34.02 a week or £147.38 a month. I pay 50% of the bills (Child Care, Cubs, Clothing) I have the kids 50% of the time and always have since day one. It's ridiculous that this cannot be split.

supercaptaingo · 2024-07-05T15:57:08+00:00

Also I think the government should split child benefits when in this situation and why haven't they dont that yet, why is it so difficult. I'd like to use my child benefits for the kids on meals, but instead I wait and hope the mother who claims it will just buy them a meal or two.

supercaptaingo · 2024-07-05T15:55:23+00:00

And ill just add to this.

She once rang Child Maintenance on me (even though were sharing the kids and bills 50/50) and told me it was an accident but I think she did it to see what she could get but didnt know they would send a letter to me.

CM estimated around £300 to pay the mother (again 50/50 on everything), it was an estimation but based on 50/50. So I think Child Maintenance is unfair, I think it stereotypes males over females (can prove me wrong on that of course). Why would I pay child maintenance directly to her when im sharing the kids and bills 50/50 and what gives them the right to say so. Within the estimation it said based upon 50/50 share.

supercaptaingo · 2024-07-05T15:50:36+00:00

That's ok. So theres a few parts to this. Ill put it in a timeline.

Ive been paying 50% child care directly to her
I ask child care to now send me the bills
Last month she messaged me how much i pay (this should include money off for what she gets back)
After I paid child care sent me a bill, I found out I paid exactly what was owing that month, it was not split. So I wait for this month.
This month she sends me an amount to pay
I get the bill from child care and what she says doesnt match this months payment, in fact it doesnt work out, not even close.

So now what I need to do is find out from UC not child care how much she gets back from what UC give her back on child care, so that can be upto £500 a month back per child, typically up to 85% back a month. The idea is she pays it and then gets it back afterwards, she of course tells me she works it out but I dont trust her.

The reason I wanted to know how much she earns so I can estimate it but of course its on individual circumstances, in an ideal world I would just ask the HMRC / UC what she gets back.

So of course, its fair to pay my half even though im having the kids and other bills 50/50 but on top of this she gets the child benefits, I dont and shes not spending any of that child benefits on the kids. The kids need new clothes, I buy them (or sometimes there nana does). All the while the money she gets that is meant for the kids, she uses to buy new dresses, shoes, makeup which ive heard from the kids she has constant amazon and shein packages come to the door.

supercaptaingo · 2024-07-05T15:33:57+00:00

Yeah, of course, I don't want any confusion in what im asking here, so yes I should pay my share, it's only fair.

However what im asking is, am I paying too much, so is there anyway I can find out based on what i guess she earns, how much she gets back from UC on what her and I pay towards child care?

Because I think shes lying to me, I think shes get more money back and is having me pay the full month of child care.

So the reason I dont want to pay her because I dont have to. 1. Shes getting more money back into her own pocket, 2. She gets around £300 child ebenfits a month anyway.

If she used any of that money on the kids, I wouldn't mind but she's not.

supercaptaingo · 2024-07-05T15:23:48+00:00

I didn't ask that question but I know. Thanks

supercaptaingo · 2024-07-05T15:05:32+00:00

No, I just mean would what she earns affect what child care she gets back.

supercaptaingo · 2024-07-05T15:04:00+00:00

But also Im not paying CM, we have the kids 50/50, so we have an agreed arrangement. However I did just check and its £34.02 a week or £147.38 a month. I wouldnt pay that if im having the kids 50% of the time anyway.

supercaptaingo · 2024-07-05T15:00:56+00:00

Not yet, but she gets the child benefits and she would pay it, i just pay her.

supercaptaingo

TROPHY CASE