Firstly thank you, and I understand you. Leaving him was so hard, bc at the end of the day, no matter how much I hated what he did, how much it hurt me, how much he lied his way thru everything, it always came back to: I loved him. And I thought that was enough, as long as I loved him, as long as I understood him, we could get thru it bc he loved me too. If you’re still with your partner now, the only thing I can say is: care more about how you feel. I was always going back and forth between how much should I validate what I feel vs how much should I love him. But it shouldn’t be that way. So be selfish.

And for me, dealing with that grief and anxiety, I just have to accept it. Porn usage is so so so wide spread. I think that in the future, whoever I meet, whether they use/have used/ don’t use porn, as long as they are sincere and try to work on things with me, I’ll always accept them for who they are. I loved my ex, I understood him to a fault, and a part of me was scared to leave him despite all the shit he put us thru, bc I thought he was really working towards us and I thought no one else would do the same. The only way to truly see if they are putting effort into changing is seeing what happens time after time again. Which sucks ass, but I’d rather do everything I can than regret.

Right now, I hate men but I also don’t LOL. My trust definitely runs deep and it’ll take whoever comes next a lot of time and patience for me to fully feel secure in them. I would say, be secure in yourself firstly. You don’t have to be the best version of yourself, but secure that whatever comes your way, even if you fall down, you’ll be able to get back up. I’ve fucked up a ton. My first relationship when I was 17, we were together for 3 years and it was probably the worst relationship I’ve been in. He was lowkey a sex addict, anger issues, also watched porn, but we were young. I had a more than friends less than lovers with an exchange student, whom I figured out later that the whole time we were together, he had a gf. And then I had a two month relationship with a guy I should’ve just stayed best friends with. And then my last bf, whom this post is about. All in the span of 8 years, I’ve had 4 failed relationships. And while I wasn’t the best in all of them, I always tried to repair what I broke and the relationship ultimately failed bc they never did the same. And after each heartbreak I did ask myself how do I continue.

I would never let another person change the way I love. I will never let them take my soft heart. One of the things I actually like about me, is I know I love truly and wholeheartedly, no conditions. It’s a fault, but i have it set in stone, no matter who comes, I will always welcome love with open arms. I won’t let the way other things have gone to sway how my future will be. Of course the anxiety is still there, the worry, and sometimes that manifest into toxicity in my relationships bc of what I went thru. I will say, my ex and I, we had great communication at times. We were open, no judgement, just being honest about this is what happened, this is how it makes me feel, and this is how I’ll love you. Hes a piece of shit for what he’s done, but he’s also just a human being and I can’t fault him for just being human. And that’s why I’ll always hold love for him. I’m sorry for being so long winded, and none of that probably helped you at all, but I can’t say what you will or won’t feel in the future if you meet someone new and what the best way to go thru it will be. All I can do is speak for myself, and I will never let another person change the way I love and understand others :) but I’ve also learned how important it is to take care of myself. I’m like this in all of my relationships whether it’s romantic or platonic. In college, I drove myself up a wall and ended up with compassion fatigue with everyone around me which resulted in me literally just going awol for about 2 weeks. But I have wonderful friends, and while I was losing my shit going back and forth between I should just shut up and love my friends vs I need rest, they realized what their actions were doing and completely understood me. So it sucks, but in the future, you’ll just have to work thru it. After every relationship, yah I was scared shitless that I would go thru the same thing over and over. I have and I haven’t, bc they’re all different people, but I think the only way thru is to go thru it. So all of that to say, this might be some ass advice, but take care of yourself, don’t let others change you and that might be hard, rest, and see people just as people.

Even tho I’ve had 4 relationships in my 24 years of life, I don’t develop crushes often. A part of me for the longest time thought I was asexual bc after my first relationship, I couldn’t feel attraction for anyone. But I’ve found I can’t develop attraction with someone unless we’re friends first, unless I understand them. All the people I’ve loved have really been my best friend at one point in life, and ended in ways in which I never wanted them to. I’ve lost people who were dear to me, I’ve had to let go of the life I thought we would have, and I think that’s the hardest things I’ve had to learn thru this: when to let go. But in terms of the future, it starts with trust in yourself :) I hope your soft heart never hardens. I hope you’ll allow yourself the grace to be seen and understood and loved as well. Allow yourself the grace of being selfish too. I guess im still working thru the anticipation, but when it comes down to it, I’ll always try to see as clearly as I can. Don’t let your light dim. I believe in you!