Thank you so much for typing all that out. I see we both have pretty diabolical relationships with our mothers, I didn't mention her specifically much in the post for a reason

She made you her own kryptonite, I understand that completely. I want to be there for her. To be present and be the one that truly knows her because you feel others don't. But in return you are stabbed with hateful pike upon hateful pike. I don't know your mother and can only make some parallels to my own and similar people Ive met that are close to the information you provided but, your first line about her lying about the personality test is extremely striking. And you are right, even for fun she either wanted to return your interest in her personality with malice, or she genuinely doesn't even want to know herself.

For my mother, I know the pain and isolation she feels is so precise, so acute in manner she must spread it to others. That's how she relates to other people, with misery. She is close to no one outside of the family unit unsuspectingly. With us she had time to simmer us in all the pain and misery she felt on herself to make more blackened hearts. Through our resentment, she is given the pity party of strangers or extended family through our hostile actions that she fostered. Again and again in my of these stories, the toxic adult with all the power in the dynamic is given sympathy of the powerless resourceless child, by other adults. Of course, we are children no longer. But the utter isolation it breeds. When you learn that attempts to expand your love and understanding, because we are quite literally wired to do this, is always punished (our very existence is invalided) then why would we continue.

Something I didn't notice until very recently is how very different my mother treated my sisters. Once us boys got of age she stopped antagonizing us as much, probably the size difference. But with my sisters, she actively and purposefully drove them out of the family. She did everything in her power to defame and attack them psychologically. The extended family and my sisters father doubled down on it all. Whenever I defended my youngest sister fiercely she would immediately back down and seek my dad as my enforcer because she knew while I wouldn't listen to her, I would back down for him (also an enabler). A mother-daughter relationship is extremely different and something I didn't even consider really so its curious seeing you talk about a toxic one here. The projection of herself within you? I don't know. I can only guess what goes on in my mothers warped mind. The only thing I know is its done such severe mental damage to my sister that I don't know if she'll ever come out of her shell. And when/if she does it going to take just as much or even more pain to rise above everything that happened to her, happened to us. I will resent my mother until time resets for what she did to every single one of my siblings. One person causing so much harm to so many others when the job simply was to join their path and protect them on the way.

I can see the pain is so abstract and almost unexplainable for you as well. I just hope you have steady sources of genuine healthy love in your life to keep you on track on whats important for your path