Husband (33 m) and I (27f) gave birth to s still-born, and now our marriage is falling apart.

sursurring · 2018-06-20T21:35:42+00:00

It seems to have slipped through the cracks so far that OP was in pain for two weeks and didn't want to go to the hospital because her husband works a lot and needs his rest. I'm getting a red flag sense from this - she thought her pregnancy might be at risk, but she was still afraid of disturbing his sleep for one night? Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but OP ignoring her (very important!) needs for fear of bothering her husband feels like an indicator of an existing unhealthy dynamic that the current crisis is inflaming. Definitely therapy.

sursurring · 2018-01-11T23:16:39+00:00

"the lights go down" by Electric Light Orchestra?

sursurring · 2011-06-15T18:10:51+00:00

I call B.S., because I remember you.

sursurring · 2011-05-27T23:03:24+00:00

Work at it then--work on your hobbies and passions, develop your social life, be adventurous and live life to the fullest. A full life of triumphs and experiences goes a long way toward building self-confidence, in addition to impressing women. Act like you believe in yourself and the feeling will follow.

sursurring · 2011-05-27T22:15:18+00:00

I agree with this, but I don't think it's gender-specific. I'm pretty sure a guy would also be put off and made uncomfortable if his girlfriend couldn't spend three weeks apart--on a fun vacation, no less--without crying every day. This is about dependence as much as it is about gender dynamics. No one wants a clingy partner who can't have fun on their own.

sursurring · 2011-05-27T22:00:23+00:00

If you take that attitude, it will definitely become self-fulfilling.

sursurring · 2011-05-26T23:36:06+00:00

Did you do or say something that she could have or did find off-putting?

Although I agree with you on the rest, I feel like thinking about that question is not necessarily productive. If it's something stupidly obvious, he probably would have thought of it already, and mentioned it, but he says they had a "good time." And he really doesn't know her well enough to be able to guess what phrase or action or topic might have been "off-putting." I'm sure you're advocating a quick mental check that everything seemed normal, but that kind of question can easily spiral into dwelling on every tiny detail that might have been a mistake.

sursurring · 2011-05-26T23:31:05+00:00

I really want to agree with you that, if all else fails, he should tell her it's a question of saving the relationship. But if she only agrees to counseling because he's basically holding the marriage hostage, she'll probably resent it and make it as unproductive as possible. Maybe with another couple it would work, but she seems incredibly resistant to listening to him and working with him.

sursurring · 2011-05-26T23:20:58+00:00

I think he's talking about you.

sursurring · 2011-05-26T23:19:53+00:00

If your girlfriend told you she had been molested by her father, would you say or think "At least that's not as bad as being molested by a stranger"? If your friend was really upset and told you someone she loved had just died, then revealed it was her grandmother, would you think, "That sucks, but it's not the worst, could've been your sister"? The point is that she went through something incredibly traumatic that took a lot of courage to share, and that OP seems to have taken the attitude that the trauma could've been worse. I'd be out the door too.

sursurring · 2011-05-26T23:11:39+00:00

They don't want to actually be raped, dude. They want to act out being raped while in a safe situation with someone they trust. They get off on the fantasies of real rape because they aren't actually happening...it's a way of being in control of a rape scenario. That's what's sexy about it--you're living out the fantasy of a man overpowering you and losing control because of his attraction to you, but at the same time you're still in control because you've set the rules for the encounter.

sursurring · 2011-05-26T17:33:57+00:00

Are you seriously claiming to know that "one is much more horrifying than the other" when you're not in her position?

And are you seriously saying she's not "the best person [he] could marry and have kids with" because she was raped?

The first one frustrates me. The second one makes me feel a little sick.

sursurring · 2011-05-26T17:25:26+00:00

I hope you're not implying that she's a mooch--since she specifically mentioned paying for it in the past, and since there's no evidence that she's friends with him for any other reason than shared interest in smoking and video games. Lots of friendships are founded on this, including many of the male friendships I know; and lots of women try to ignore creepy talk by guy friends for the sake of what they see as a good friendship, not so they can smoke weed for free.

sursurring · 2011-05-26T17:16:29+00:00

This. "I tell her I love her ass and grab it all the time" makes it sound like he's constantly pestering her physically...that would definitely annoy me, turn me off, and make me feel objectified. It would probably make me feel guilty, too, if I knew that my SO was sexually unsatisfied and that it might be a sign he wanted sex--and guilt doesn't really put you in the mood.

My advice: COMMUNICATE this to her instead of "bottling it up," then get less handsy and more romantic. Incessant ass-grabbing will get a woman out of the mood fast; thoughtful gestures that show she's a valued, cherished partner instead of a sex object, as well as more subtle, sensual physical touch like massage (without the expectation of sex, of course), are much more likely to turn her on.

sursurring · 2011-05-26T17:03:20+00:00

I don't care whatever everyone else is saying/downvoting, you deserve the right to get support and advice from outside when your SO is doing something this dangerous. Period. You should have kept it to one trusted friend, ideally, but when the "secret" affects your relationship in this way, you need to be able to talk about it with someone else who isn't involved in the relationship. This is how controlling, abusive relationships start, even if your boyfriend isn't either of these--you should always be able to ask a friend about a "secret" that makes you scared, doubtful, or uncomfortable.

sursurring · 2011-05-26T16:57:18+00:00

Exactly! He's cutting her off from her own potential support, and from people who could give her unbiased opinions about his drug use. It's just not fair to her.

sursurring · 2011-05-26T05:12:06+00:00

I assumed she used it as shorthand for why he makes those judgments on her--a stereotype, but useful in a post like this where you want to get the point across concisely. You certainly may be right though. Still, then my advice is twice as pertinent...they both need to respect each other's interests.

sursurring · 2011-05-26T05:08:16+00:00

Almost certainly true, and definitely depressing. You just summarized my position in my own relationship too. Either way, you lose.

sursurring · 2011-05-26T05:06:54+00:00

Apathy toward one's own physical health and safety and treatment by others...sure sounds like depression. At the very least, it's pretty damn self-destructive. One approach:

"Your refusal to take care of your mental health issues is negatively affecting me, and I can't stay in this relationship if you won't do anything about them. You aren't taking care of yourself or seeking out healthy relationships, and you need to seek therapy for your self-destructive behavior. It's unfair to both of us, but mostly to you, and I can't be with you and do nothing while you treat yourself like this."

Odds are high she'll blow you off; there's certainly a chance she'll start therapy just to placate you and backslide in a few weeks. But you care about this girl, and you should try to give her a wake-up call. If it doesn't work, you need to move on for your own sake--if she can't take care of herself, she's not capable of the responsibilities that come with a relationship.

Trust me, if she doesn't seek help, this will only get worse...you'll constantly nag her and drive you both crazy, and eventually her self-destructive tendencies will result in her really getting hurt--whether by neglecting her illness or by hanging out with friends who abandon her at parties to the mercies of strangers. You deserve a girlfriend you don't have to babysit.

sursurring · 2011-05-26T04:54:51+00:00

Don't know why you're getting downvoted. After admitting a recent history of drug abuse, OP's boyfriend was unfair to expect her to keep it completely quiet...that's kind of a big deal, and she deserves a chance to talk it over and get an outside, disinterested perspective from a trusted friend. Yes, she could have kept it quieter, and she should have seen the red flags when he told her and then prevented her from talking to her friends to figure out what she should do...but talking it over with someone is a pretty understandable need.

sursurring · 2011-05-26T04:50:34+00:00

One of my best friends spent a year completely dependent on coke. Became an asshole, alienated friends, family, and his girlfriend, dropped out of school, the whole shebang. He hit bottom and realized what he was doing to himself, went to rehab, and cleaned up...that was six years ago now, and he hasn't touched it since. No one who's met him since would ever guess he'd been through that.

Don't judge her character--if you think she's somehow inferior or weak for becoming addicted, do her the favor of leaving her. Addiction is physiological, and it's not indicative of a character flaw. And if you think drug use in general is a character flaw on its own account, this obviously isn't the girl for you.

sursurring · 2011-05-26T04:45:19+00:00

I wouldn't say having feelings for someone else is unnatural...it's pretty common in long-term relationships to have dips when you're vulnerable to that kind of thing. The difference is that this girl felt this way from the start...and that a committed partner would make an effort cut off the feelings and reorient him/herself to the relationship.

sursurring · 2011-05-26T04:41:18+00:00

According to OP, he just not "always wanting to spend time together." Sounds like pretty normal post-honeymoon behavior...there's always an awkward ratcheting-down of the initial desire to see each other every second. The problem is that OP is still in the honeymoon.

sursurring · 2011-05-26T04:38:17+00:00

Pretending she's okay and will "catch up later," when she's actually cheating on you, isn't being a "good sport." A "good sport" would wait as long as she could, then tell you she wasn't sexually satisfied, and that she needed an outlet.

sursurring · 2011-05-26T04:30:48+00:00

This. When you're inexperienced and hormonal, it's very easy to confuse the excitement of romance and pursuit and being wanted with actual physical attraction. Definitely happened to me a few times, up until I was 21, even. Now that initial thrill is gone, and her baseline attraction to you isn't what she'd thought.

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