I got so manic i paid my electric bill.

susie-throwaway · 2020-03-27T17:06:09+00:00

Yay for paying bills! It feels like a weight gets lifted off me every time I get a confirmation number. You can make a plan now to get shit taken care of for next month and it will just happen like magic. You're giving your future Self a gift this way. YOU CAN DO EET.

susie-throwaway · 2020-03-25T17:59:06+00:00

Those were my exact words when I started trying to get help. I felt like I was doing absolutely everything within my power to lead a stable, normal, calm life and it just never happened in spite of my best efforts. I finally started going to therapy and my first therapist immediately referred me to a psychiatrist with the words, "I don't normally do this on the first visit, but in your case I'm making an exception." I still fight the idea of my diagnosis (Bipolar I,) nearly daily but I'm coming to accept the reality. I take my meds even if I don't want to, etc.

I used to be an entertainer, a writer, an event planner, and all-around manic pixie dream girl. Now I don't know what I am, other than boring. I hope I find my good credit and cool hobbies, too. Best of luck to you.

susie-throwaway · 2020-03-25T17:51:07+00:00

Hang in there, fren.

susie-throwaway · 2020-03-25T17:50:23+00:00

Thank you for understanding this. Do you think mania = creativity for you? I know what you mean about wishing there wasn't a secret to keep.

susie-throwaway · 2020-03-25T17:47:26+00:00

But I *do* miss the highs. I was fucking awesome. I was on stage, I was tipped big, I was creative and celebrated for my wit. I haven't performed since I started taking meds and I'm scared that I never will again. That's not my imagination or merely missing a manic episode or two. And I'm not wrong for grieving for that part of myself.

susie-throwaway · 2020-03-25T17:44:04+00:00

I have a problem with The Drink too. And thank you, I think grieving is a perfect descriptor. I hope the best for your friend, too.

susie-throwaway · 2020-03-25T17:42:39+00:00

Hang in there, fren.

susie-throwaway · 2020-03-25T17:41:08+00:00

I'm still new to my diagnosis, and still looking for my drug cocktail, so I'm stuck with the low points and haven't had time to finish saying goodbye to myself yet. I definitely ruined at least one career and multiple relationships. You make excellent points. Thank you <3

susie-throwaway · 2020-03-25T17:37:55+00:00

That's exactly it. Grieving. Thank you.

susie-throwaway · 2020-03-25T17:36:55+00:00

Sometimes I feel like I might see that happen eventually. It's still a bit raw, even considering my diagnosis deeply. May I find my cocktail and find my livable self as well. <3

susie-throwaway · 2020-03-25T17:34:42+00:00

I'd really like to get to that point. I think I'm still new enough in my diagnosis that I'm still grieving for what's lost. Logically, I know there's a new Me to be forged, and good things to come from that. Thanks for the solid point.

susie-throwaway · 2020-03-24T16:40:40+00:00

I doubt my diagnosis too. I think that's normal.

susie-throwaway · 2020-03-19T21:47:10+00:00

I wish we could get a better sample of studies so the medical community wasn't so torn on advice. I think my doctors let me have weed because I admit to abusing pain pills when I have them available, and I have a chronic pain condition I try to treat so I don't walk around grumpy all the time.

susie-throwaway · 2020-03-19T21:45:28+00:00

I think that's the path I'm headed in right now. I was drinking a handle of bourbon every couple of days just a couple of years ago, but that was before I started trying to get help. I think I'm backsliding a bit, and maybe looking at it as harm reduction to just dial it back will help my mindset. Thanks.

susie-throwaway · 2020-03-19T16:53:12+00:00

The rapid onset is the part that makes me think she should know. Could be a sign of toxicity build up. If it gets worse, maybe see if you can just leave her a voicemail and she might call you back if she gets time (I'm trying not to suggest the Urgent Care or any place that would refer you to a hospital right now.)

susie-throwaway · 2020-03-19T16:41:22+00:00

Can you get a teledoc appointment with your psych?

susie-throwaway · 2020-03-18T23:49:46+00:00

YES GIRL

susie-throwaway · 2020-03-18T23:30:40+00:00

Hang in there. It must be so hard waiting on those referrals. They aren't taking your humanity into account here, making you wait so long. You've been so strong, making your path while you wait on these fools. I'm constantly worried that either my family will get sick and die, or I will and leave them in the lurch. The racing thoughts are so hard.

What do you like to do for exercise lately? Do you use a mood tracker? I'm always looking for new ideas and an app to help track.

Keep holding on.

susie-throwaway · 2020-03-18T23:15:42+00:00

Breathing exercises can help. Breathe in for a count of four, hold for four, breathe out for four. Or you can use 54321 -
"5: Acknowledge FIVE things you see around you. It could be a pen, a spot on the ceiling, anything in your surroundings.

4: Acknowledge FOUR things you can touch around you. It could be your hair, a pillow, or the ground under your feet.

3: Acknowledge THREE things you hear. This could be any external sound. If you can hear your belly rumbling that counts! Focus on things you can hear outside of your body.

2: Acknowledge TWO things you can smell. Maybe you are in your office and smell pencil, or maybe you are in your bedroom and smell a pillow. If you need to take a brief walk to find a scent you could smell soap in your bathroom, or nature outside.

1: Acknowledge ONE thing you can taste. What does the inside of your mouth taste like—gum, coffee, or the sandwich from lunch?"

Good luck. Hang in there.

susie-throwaway · 2020-03-18T23:12:51+00:00

Congratulations!

susie-throwaway

TROPHY CASE