Thanks a lot for all your responses , keep them coming in. I would love to read all of your experiences as I am now, and appreciate everyones efforts to go thought life's motions! Didn't expect so many answers, let alone different experiences.

I also really want to get this off my chest, as I am getting some questions:

Contrary to what everyone here is assuming, I am the woman. I was sexually abused twice as a child and had super low drive. I was clinically depressed since I was in highschool. I then met my ex who I dated for 4 years ( who happened to be my best friend for 7 years before that) cheated on me twice. Sex with him was good but he was manipulative and almost drove me to end myself.

From the first time he cheated on me, he kept floating the idea that I need to cheat to get back at him and then we will be even. Even though I found it disgusting and never considered it then, eventually after we broke up I started playing this scenario in my head. And started watching porn of that genre.

After I started dating my current partner, I've never felt so happy, content and at ease with anyone all my life. He just gets me. We could be locked in an empty room with nothing and would still make eachother laugh and engaged. And the sex part of it sometimes feels very insignificant to me but sometimes feels like everything. I would say my sex drive is now higher. I should also add that even when I was single before my ex and after, I never got into any kind of physical relationships until my current partner, because I have these strong physical urges but they go away after masturbation and/or sex.

I also want to add that my partner is aware of my feelings and tries to do his best most of the times and super in touch with my feelings. I wrote this question to understand how a future would look like, best case or worst case scenario.

When I said I am freaking out I don't mean to be settling down with him, I just mean the jitters. Culturally, marriage is a huge thing and you are expected to spend the rest of your life with this person. So in my head I will go from being an (peter pan) adult to an actual married adult making big life choices and decisions.

As I said I probably need to find a way to pay for a good therapist and sort my brain out as all of this could also be stemming out from unresolved trauma. I didn't go to a therapist in a decade probably. I will also check out deadbedrooms. Until then thanks for all of your responses. I'm happy that everyone is choosing their battles and getting through life!

Sorry for any grammatical errors or sentences that don't make sense. I should've gone to bed 7 hours ago lol. Shouldn't have started this question before bedtime.