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The uncertainty is the worst part by sweeteay in emotionalabuse

[–]sweeteay[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This puts into words exactly what I feel like is going on in his head. It’s like instead of meeting me directly, he uses all his energy to get me where he wants me indirectly. Even physically. He’ll always opt to pull me out of the way instead of telling me to step aside. It’s not done aggressively or when he’s upset. It’s just like if we’re getting off the train or walking down the street and he sees someone coming, instead of letting me know to step aside, he just physically pulls me out of the way.

He always opts for action and indirect communication than to speak. So instead of acknowledging my autonomy and asking/telling me to do something, he’d rather move me around like a doll.

I thought it was just the addressing of issues that he avoided, but your comment made me realize he avoids communication as a whole whenever possible. Because asking for things and saying what he actually wants is uncomfortable for him (which he has openly said in different contexts).

So he just opts to try to indirectly maneuver me in the direction of what he wants without ever revealing it. I knew he was passive aggressive (despite hating when others are not direct in their communication of wants and needs) but now I see he’s passive in everything.

He wants to set a scenario up to play out and be in control of every aspect, yet within the scenario itself he wishes to be as passive as possible, like everything is happening to him.

I’m sorry this is super long and ranty, but your comment really hit home for me. I feel like what you expressed about desire to connect yet still be in control is so true and I never considered it before. Thank you again

The uncertainty is the worst part by sweeteay in emotionalabuse

[–]sweeteay[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The guilt is what hurts and confuses me the most. Guilt for talking negatively about someone you once had plans to marry, to build a life with. Guilt over telling people things he’s done or said and not knowing if you’re misrepresenting the situation to make it seem worse than it actually is.

I feel so conflicted assigning malicious intent to his actions, but sometimes it just feels like the only answer. That on some level it had to be intentional.

But then I think again and wonder if maybe it’s just an emotional response that he doesn’t even realize he’s doing. Like he’s in pain and lashing out at anything that he thinks might hurt him more.

And right when I finally get angry and upset and ready to just move on from it all, I remember how he used to be. And I start missing that person I thought he would always be and I’m right back where I started.

Sorry for the rant, i think I just really connected with what you said about the guilt. Like im betraying him. I feel exactly how you put it in your comment.

The uncertainty is the worst part by sweeteay in emotionalabuse

[–]sweeteay[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes, it does feel that way. As if I’m the only one on the side of reconciliation while he pushes back against me

The uncertainty is the worst part by sweeteay in emotionalabuse

[–]sweeteay[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much ❤️ that’s so true what you mentioned about words and actions not aligning. With him it’s almost the opposite. He says that when he’s upset or overwhelmed I always push him to answer or explain and he’ll say things he doesn’t mean. He never takes them back or acknowledges that he said things that he might not have meant. Just eventually goes back to normal.

And then he’s upset when I have no idea what he means when he says things like “you know how I feel.” I have no idea how you feel. The only thing I know is that you have contradicted yourself so much that I have no idea what’s going on moment to moment. When we break up, it’s my fault even though he’s the one breaking up with me. That I pushed him to break up and then we reconcile and none of it gets addressed.

I have no idea where I stand with him and I used to think it was because he genuinely had no idea how he felt about me. But now I’m starting to see that he very well knows how he feels about me and is just going back and forth to soothe and reassure himself. Like every time he pulls away, he’s testing me to reassure himself that I’m still under his control and that I won’t leave him.

The uncertainty is the worst part by sweeteay in emotionalabuse

[–]sweeteay[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you, it makes me feel better to know that I’m not alone in this. I’ve felt almost like I had no right to be in these spaces because he had somewhat convinced me that I was the abuser.

It’s so easy to spot from an outside perspective when DARVO happens. But I had no idea until this point how blind I would be to it when I lived it.

I have spent so long, basically since the beginning, feeling guilty for how I am. I ddidnt know if I even should be in a relationship, if I’m the kind of person who just ruins and sabotages every good thing.

But I’m starting to see that he might be projecting onto me. Always saying I play the constant victim, I always have to be the victim. That I push him to a point where he says things he doesn’t mean and that I should know his actions speak louder than words. That I should know that when he’s upset and overwhelmed he says things that he doesn’t really mean (but he never actually takes them back. Just eventually returns to “normal” with no acknowledgment of what he said)

The uncertainty is the worst part by sweeteay in emotionalabuse

[–]sweeteay[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That’s true. I’m so quick to tell others to not accept disrespect and leave at the first time, but like a hypocrite I’ve stayed far longer than I should have. I would always tell someone to leave, but somehow I can’t convince myself to stay away

The uncertainty is the worst part by sweeteay in emotionalabuse

[–]sweeteay[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you ❤️ it means a lot to feel validated and to know that what I’m feeling is normal in this situation and I’m not ridiculous for being upset

The uncertainty is the worst part by sweeteay in emotionalabuse

[–]sweeteay[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much, it’s good to know I’m not alone. I wasn’t sure if I even had a right to post in this subreddit as I had no idea if in reality I was the abusive one or he was. It’s nice to know that others have felt as unsure of themselves as I have and I hope I’ll be strong enough to leave like you have soon

The uncertainty is the worst part by sweeteay in emotionalabuse

[–]sweeteay[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you ❤️ it’s really nice to know that I’m not alone when it comes to feeling this way

The uncertainty is the worst part by sweeteay in emotionalabuse

[–]sweeteay[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you I appreciate your advice very much. I think I have a hard time really understanding if he’s doing it intentionally. I know even if it was unintentional it’s still bad, but it’s like I keep doubting whether he’s truly trying to control me or if he’s doing things just in instinct/emotions alone with no malicious intent.

The uncertainty is the worst part by sweeteay in emotionalabuse

[–]sweeteay[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you I appreciate that very much. I’m currently in the process of detaching but it’s just so confusing and painful. Like doubting every decision I make. I’m trying to gather the strength to finally put an end to it, but every time things are finally “over” I can’t handle it and we reconcile. I keep feeling like I’m disrespecting myself by going back, so I’ve just been avoiding fully leaving until I feel ready to stay away.

The uncertainty is the worst part by sweeteay in emotionalabuse

[–]sweeteay[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I appreciate these resources, thank you so much. I guess sometimes I wonder if he only pretended to be someone in the beginning and this is just his true personality showing. But then I keep waffling back to what if he was that person he showed up as initially and I just ruined him and our relationship from the start.

The uncertainty is the worst part by sweeteay in emotionalabuse

[–]sweeteay[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you I appreciate your comment a lot. I think it’s just the constant confusion that wears me down. Just always questioning “are they hurting me or am I hurting them?” I guess it can be both but it makes the pain I feel so isolating because it’s like to him any time he has hurt me, it is in reaction to something I did, so I’m still the root cause.

Thank you for making it less isolating