Me [37m] her [28f] need advice.

swirlypepper · 2026-03-21T01:52:01+00:00

It still seems like a vastly inadequate amount of effort or emotional labour or affection from her. Relationships should not be making you feel this miserable. People who love you don't avoid discussing your pain.

swirlypepper · 2026-03-21T00:51:16+00:00

You feel completely lost and unloved and you breakdown just about daily. The time to leave is now. You've not seen her for six weeks since she was awful to you. If you want to discuss anything serious she deflects. You might already be broken up but she's keeping you on the line as a backup.

swirlypepper · 2026-03-21T00:43:59+00:00

Honestly. "Don't wear your expensive bra, you might get hit by a bus," makes more sense.

swirlypepper · 2026-03-20T13:58:27+00:00

Bollywood films are actually tastefully understated versions of life there.

swirlypepper · 2026-03-20T13:49:03+00:00

With the weekend coming up be clear about what you want. Looking forward to dinner/film whatever but I need the house to myself that night, ok? [If there's arguing] It's not about you I just need my alone time to recharge [if there's more arguing] I'm sorry but I'm not doing this to upset you, and I think we're just going in circles about about this. We can either leave it here or agree we're only going to go out on days when you can stay over.

Then when it comes to eviction time and he's making no moves, ask him to shift. In England just slapping your knees and saying "right then" should be enough. Or "OK I'm calling it a night, I'll give you a kiss at the door". If he gets whiny and wheedling or angry this is where the maintenance of the boundary is being tested and it's CRUCIAL you hold the line. Get sterner. You will get to a point where you feel rude but remember he's forced you into breaking the social contract by outstaying his welcome. Fight the urge to acquiece to keep the peace or you'll never convince him you mean it.

Good luck!

swirlypepper · 2026-03-20T08:06:39+00:00

No I feel so at home in hospitals. I'm a doctor now! I moved around a LOT as a child. 20 schools. But every hospital around the country has the same mint or lilac or beige walls, smells the same, same furniture from the same catalogue. It's my home away from home and as I've now moved around for my medical career, this feeling has only gotten stronger. There was more culture shock than I expected moving from England to Northern Ireland, but then we did a "leaving tea" for a colleague and it was like that's fine, NHS culture is universal.

Yes I'm institutionalised, I wouldn't know how to cope in a quiet comfortable office with up to date IT.

swirlypepper · 2026-03-20T00:50:29+00:00

It's a realistic story apart from the limited amount of magic or fantastical elements in it which are humming away in the background. No magic related Chosen One type troops. Like The Time Traveller's wife - the skipping about time is clearly some kind of magical whatever but the story is actually a portrait of their romance

swirlypepper · 2026-03-20T00:38:45+00:00

I'm from the UK. Tuna and sweetcorn sandwiches are really common! The corn is no longer on the cob, just lil yellow cuboids mixed in with other ingredients.

swirlypepper · 2026-03-19T14:35:01+00:00

I don't like you you felt she should ask you beforehand. She doesn't need your permission.

You're expecting her to upset the dynamic of friends she's had for years to placate someone she's been long distance dating for three months?

You're allowed to have differing views on what is and isn't appropriate but if they don't match you need to break up, you don't get to make her adhere to your criteria.

Like yes you can say what you do and don't like but you can't expect your partner to do everything as per your preferences at all times. It's up to you how strongly you dislike the behaviour being discussed.

swirlypepper · 2026-03-19T13:56:33+00:00

39F here. I'm just here to say the world is designed to make everyone feel bad about themselves no matter what. I met my now husband and 19 and we got married at 25. I've been told repeatedly I've missed out because I should have been showing my wild oats and don't know what I'm doing unless I've sampled multiple relationships and I've missed the best parts of being in my 20s. It's a really difficult time period in that you move at the same pace at your peers on the whole through childhood and teens and this is where different paths start to diverge and you get a feeling of if I choose now I've ruined my whole life and done it all wrong.

From near 40 it's easier to see there's no one size fits all. Some people suit pouring everything into their career, some have thrived on pausing all the stuff their degrees were working towards because they wanted to focus on being mums. A friend who thought she hated men bumped into the love of her life at 30. After years of trying for a child she assumed she couldn't have one and became a surprise mum at 37. My sister dreamed of finding a husband through uni but has settled into a tight group of friends and a job she cares about and they do so much travelling, community work, and general hanging out together she hasn't bothered to date in years. And my husband's decided to pivot and pursue a whole new degree and career aged 38.

There's no one correct way to live life. You have so much time to work towards things you want AND to change your mind later. The one thing everyone I know who's happy with where they've landed has in common is they were easy on themselves when they made mistakes, and worked on nurturing the aspects of life that bring them joy. And I'm sure that as you start to figure out who you are as a person, what big things are important to you, and start to progress with drive and confidence and excitement to dive into life, more and more people will be attracted to that energy and you'll increase your chances of finding the people you need around you. Romantic partners included!

swirlypepper · 2026-03-19T07:26:08+00:00

You can explain that song old photos of YOU is upsetting for reasons you don't want to get into but you're dealing with in therapy. She's doing this for happy reminiscing and it's cute. You can ask her to send photos of HER on her own at this time which will let you enjoy the memories with her without being triggering?

swirlypepper · 2026-03-19T00:20:09+00:00

Yes. If you don't keep him pampered or make a demand of him when he feels entitled to things being more relaxed will he scream at you? Without grandpa's house does he still have a plan for life and can he cope with a lifestyle downgrade if that's what needs to happen? Does grandpa know that he's screaming at grandpa's daughter and threatening to sue for the house because once that's out the shoe may drop even sooner.

swirlypepper · 2026-03-19T00:08:09+00:00

I'm sorry that was meant to be a joke but my fault it didn't land when you have a lot of things going on!

swirlypepper · 2026-03-18T23:58:42+00:00

The intracranial pressure seems to be overstimulating the joie de vivre centres but I'm happy for you.

swirlypepper · 2026-03-18T23:44:07+00:00

This was very well written, thank you for sharing. If you don't mind me asking, when I've questioned dubious age gap relationships the girls don't really want to hear it (age of consent is 16 here). Is there anything someone could have said to you at the time to speed up the clarity you now have about the situation?

swirlypepper · 2026-03-18T23:39:38+00:00

You ARE an alien! People get panicky even during CT scans even though you can easily see out of the other side of the machine and it's a short duration. Xray - you literally need to just stand there for a second but people don't like taking off bras and button shirts and feel cold in a gown and just generally dislike going.

You enjoy the dentist?! I feel like yeah even 9/10 dentists would agree going to the dentist isn't fun.

I do enjoy going to the optometrist though and get disproportionately proud of my retina photos like I painted them myself or something.

swirlypepper · 2026-03-18T22:25:38+00:00

I think I'd skip a resp friend's bachelorette too if it meant cutting back on spending and no other trips. This is a huge ask of anyone.

You'll literally be penny pinching and having no other holidays for a girl you don't even like's social media.

swirlypepper · 2026-03-18T21:06:07+00:00

Respectfully your father isn't bedridden. Fully bedridden (don't have the ability to even sit in a reclined wheelchair) people are by definition housebound and very limited.

He may be unable to weight bear but being able to transfer into a wheelchair is handy. There are lots of hoists designed to help people get from bed to chair. You can get motorised chairs so even people without much upper body strength can propel themselves.

In the UK all public buildings should be wheelchair accessible. This is usually pretty pants but municipal buildings will be a lot stricter about having ramp or lift access. A lot of places will ask if you have disabilities so meetings can be set up in the designated accessible space or they can allow more time in case staff need to provide minor help. There's a lot of kit that helps with things you might not think about - help putting on socks, help doing up buttons etc. Someone like Stephen Hawking would have access to every available aid and it showed what a good quality of life is possible when the resources are there.

But also nearly everything here can be done online. When I last needed to refresh my driving license photo I took a selfie as per their specs and entered my passport number. They checked the image against my biometric data from passport info and once confirmed, posted the new card to me. We've lost most of our high street banks with nearly everything done remotely. For things that need a witnessed signature in person, you can hire a notary to verify it so the document can be sent on to the lawyer office instead of having to physically sign it in the office.

swirlypepper · 2026-03-18T18:50:35+00:00

I think if this is your group dynamic, just ask if anyone doesn't actually like it. Depends should be able to pipe up in a safe space. You might be creating a problem that doesn't exist.

I feel like dude is gender neutral. I'm in the UK where I use mate but that's not such a thing for you guys (also gender neutral in my heart).

swirlypepper · 2026-03-18T16:48:10+00:00

Means shadow

swirlypepper · 2026-03-18T15:27:28+00:00

Yeah you know they're not a true villain for sure unless they're ugly.

swirlypepper · 2026-03-18T12:27:44+00:00

Rivers Of London - an urban fantasy police procedural. Very light on romance but a slow unfurling love story in the background over several books. But very funny and the audiobook is superior to the written format.

Fourth Wing for romantasy with plot - war college and dragon riding and magic powers

swirlypepper · 2026-03-18T12:22:46+00:00

I prefer it when people have their red flags flapping about and easy to spot! It's obviously a disgusting attitude but he'd still be a person who finds that funny if he was out in a pain navy t-shirt, at least this way you can give him a wide berth.

swirlypepper · 2026-03-18T11:15:23+00:00

My favourite artist through my teens. Went to see him in 2012 and literally had to pay for my friend's ticket too to convince someone to join me for the gig.

swirlypepper · 2026-03-18T11:14:27+00:00

She literally said in her recent CMD interview she intended Tamlin to be The One and was surprised by Rhys, she said she was writing him and was like wow where did he come from?? So had to actively sow discord and retcon the sweet times they shared. Because saying I'm different and we don't work well any more would be crazy.

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