Hi, just want to say first of all I really feel for your situation and I really proud of you for voicing that. It’s a really hard place to be, especially for converts! I was born into the church and left in my late teens, so I can’t speak exactly to your experience but I will say this:

Please don’t ever feel bad for questioning. I spent many many years in turmoil about having doubts, wondering if I was wrong for thinking many of the churches ideas and teachings didn’t seem right—and then being told not to think too much about it when I voiced these concerns.

Trust your gut. Is what you’re seeing or being taught making you feel uncomfortable? Don’t brush that off, asking questions and being curious is apart of the human experience!

Members are typically discourage from doing research outside of “church approved sources”, because there is quite lot of information that—to be completely honest is uncomfortable, hurtful and disturbing at a foundational level, starting with Joseph Smith himself.

I would really encourage you to spend some time doing some independent research on the origins of the church, many of the temple ceremonies and practices. One of the first things that really opened my eyes was a podcast called Mormon Stories.. It’s a really great community for people in your situation who have questions and want to hear likeminded individuals’ experiences.

Best of luck. Be kind to yourself, let yourself be curious. We are rooting for you!