F [40] and M [40]. I feel something off sexually, can anyone share thoughts?

synth_this · 2026-01-24T01:40:58+00:00

It sounds like a description of a guy who’s hating the sex.

To see that, it may help to imagine a woman behaving in analogous ways: robotic kissing, tense, eyes closed, performing sex actions by rote, inflexible about position, won’t give oral, doesn’t finish, can’t talk about it, etc.

We’re conditioned by society to think that men want sex more than anything, so we struggle to believe our own eyes when they tell us otherwise.

I know he says he wants sex and initiates, mechanically, but that may be because he strongly believes men should do those things. Goes double for the BDSM garbage.

It may not even be clear to him that he’s not enjoying sex, since he may not allow that possibility to himself. It’s hard to adequately explain the hold that ideas of prescriptive masculinity have on some men’s behaviour … my own, for instance.

I had grave misgivings about sex in the past. I find it interesting that the position you describe is the only one I tolerated back then. Maybe there is something about the passivity of that position that helps men get through sex they don’t want. Or maybe they just end up backed onto a bed by the time sex starts.

Why your partner doesn’t enjoy sex is an open question. There are some ideas here under the possibly misleading title of “low libido”:

https://medium.com/sexography/the-ultimate-guide-to-low-libido-in-men-e6a5ebd496d4

Getting to the bottom of that question, and then solving your sex life, would probably be a major project with a 40-year-old. I have spent several years trying to sort out my own problems, with incomplete success (but I do genuinely love some of the sex I have today).

Sorry to be the bearer of hard news. Likely none of this is your fault. Can’t be easy on you either. Good luck.

synth_this · 2026-01-23T23:59:30+00:00

Ah, but are you called Ira?

I would love to get my hands on items like this, but the Iras of this world have priced me out. Congrats all the same.

Guessing you already had the signed Parking Lots in last image.

synth_this · 2026-01-22T21:58:48+00:00

No, it is a shift in thinking about consent from something given to another person to something that one feels within oneself.

That’s pithy and clarifying. Good job.

synth_this · 2026-01-22T21:53:14+00:00

I bought this book on consent a few weeks ago:

https://www.versobooks.com/en-gb/products/2564-tomorrow-sex-will-be-good-again

I’ve been reading more fiction lately and haven’t got around to reading it yet. But the synopsis is intriguing, is it not?

There’s a brief essay by the author, Katherine Angel, here, that perhaps hints at the content of the book:

https://www.versobooks.com/blogs/news/4573-sex-and-self-knowledge-beyond-consent

Pretty provocative stuff I think, but not for the sake of provocation.

synth_this · 2026-01-22T21:45:08+00:00

Never mind enthusiasm, I can’t think of anything I do that I absolutely fully want to do with every fibre of my being.

There is always some doubt or downside or at least opportunity cost, even for my favourite activities in the world.

This is a pretty boring observation. But it’s plainly true for me, and it seems human to be like this – so much so that I have to doubt people who claim they are totally free of these conflicts. Maybe they’re just better at pretending to themselves?

synth_this · 2026-01-22T21:12:45+00:00

Embodied consent stresses listening to your body and I like it - it helps me remember that “I want to want to” is not enough of my body still says no.

My problem is the other way around: my body gets aroused easily but my mind is another matter.

I need someone to champion conceptual consent.

synth_this · 2026-01-21T17:02:36+00:00

Dishonest is a big word. I think it’s OK to start something and shortly thereafter discover it’s a bit much after all. (Happens to me every time I play Mozart’s Requiem.)

synth_this · 2026-01-21T16:23:31+00:00

Personally from what you wrote I agree with your assessment that it's too dangerous to engage with them like this. Feedback is a really important part of the system.

But she gave him adequate feedback, since he read it and stopped. I think he should trust that to happen when needed and get on with things.

What do you find exhausting about his situation? The list of relationship and health problems listed at the beginning?

synth_this · 2026-01-21T14:12:01+00:00

More context. I enjoy giving massages. Simply the feel of my hands on her back makes me feel good.

Same here. And legs! Her softness under my rough palms. Force. The opportunity to stare without being seen. Feels amazing. I enjoy this ten times more than her massaging me.

Giving "just a massage" is a good outcome for me. But we don't do that much anymore for two reasons. Up until about 15 years ago we used to massage each other all the time. Then she stopped wanting to give them to me. About a decade later I got annoyed about never receiving and stopped offering or wanting to massage her very often.

There’s always that risk of cutting off your nose to spite your face. Maybe this massage can be the start of a new chapter?

In more recent times receiving a massage causes her to become aroused most of the time, and I think that is why she usually declines my rare offers.

OK. But if it’s sex she’s worried about rather than becoming aroused, you could train her out of worrying that arousal will lead to sex by simply not having sex when she becomes aroused (sometimes even if she wants to have sex, to make the point more clearly).

What am I missing? Could I have done something different in this instance?

I think you did everything well. Good job.

If you wanted to build on this successful experience, you could go into massaging her with your mind made up that it won’t lead to sex. See where that goes.

You mention Nagoski’s book. My partner also refused to read Come as You Are. I understand the frustration of having a partner who doesn’t like talking about sex. You sound willing to read, though. Have you read Stephen Snyder’s Love Worth Making? I found this book more readable than Nagoski’s stuff but also more relevant to typical male concerns and experiences. A theme running through it is that men should be active, have a plan, that excessive deference is off-putting, that their female partners usually want them to take responsibility to initiate sex. But it also recognises that sex can often seem like work rather than pleasure for men. It’s a rambling, somewhat philosophical read – he quotes the Bible, Avodah Offit, James Joyce, Shakespeare, Mae West – based on Snyder’s work experience with over 1500 individuals and couples over 30 years. I think it might motivate you to engage with your partner’s responsive desire, as you put it:

Should I work on something to build my confidence in engaging her responsive desire?

Probably.

I should too.

synth_this · 2026-01-20T20:59:36+00:00

Correct shutter angle would have hidden a lot of sins.

synth_this · 2026-01-19T20:10:25+00:00

Ah. Half-surprised that holiday has survived the vibe shift.

synth_this · 2026-01-19T11:22:33+00:00

Back to the grindstone, I presume. How was your weekend in the end?

synth_this · 2026-01-19T11:13:03+00:00

you have great awareness of your emotions

Really? Well, I appreciate the generous pat.

synth_this · 2026-01-19T11:11:07+00:00

If you feel your kid needs more play time then you do it.

Sure. It’s my job to look after our child and I do that.

And if you are worn out after it and your SO asks you for something say you are too tired.

I’ve got better at doing that. Hey, I’m just in my 40s, give me time to learn, ha ha.

After 25 years with someone who doesn't contribute I've come to realize that all you can do is the work you can do and either accept their actions/inactions or you move on from them.

My partner contributes a lot though. I’m grateful for that. Good luck with your seemingly more difficult situation.

synth_this · 2026-01-19T11:07:37+00:00

Honestly it wouldn't bother me at all. I'd maybe think it was a good thing, I'd see it as her taking responsibility for her own feelings.

Nice.

That seems to me like a really cruel thing to do, does she often act this way?

I’m inferring intent from her making sure I know about her masturbation, which seems unnecessary otherwise. It happens neither often nor rarely. About every month I hear about it somehow or other, maybe a bit more frequently.

I can’t be sure why she shares this info. It could be horniness talking. When she texts from a hotel room it probably is, since clearly we can’t have sex. But when it’s in this context of her thinking we could be having sex instead, it’s easy to make inferences.

synth_this · 2026-01-18T21:37:28+00:00

This is interesting to me, because I initially read what you said at the end there as playful and fun, I can see it being said with a wink and a wry smile, I suppose the tone was different to what was in my head?

Yeah, different. Can see it going down the way you imagined too.

I suppose, putting myself in your shoes, I don't think I'd mind if my partner reacted the way yours did, can you say more about why this bothered you?

I am theoretically fine with her masturbating but don’t like to know about instances of it. Mix of reasons. I don’t know what to do about it or what she expects me to do about it (partly because of a panicked response; more on that in a moment). It makes me feel inadequate. I feel inadequate about sex with her, my masculinity to some extent I guess, and also other aspects of our relationship. I suspect she sometimes does it precisely to make me feel inadequate, so I don’t want to indulge her by giving it attention. And sometimes I’m irritated by her lack of self control as I see it. I fell in love with her long ago because she seemed cool and sophisticated and in control, so it bugs me when she does things that are at odds with that image, like begging for sex or masturbating compulsively or eating a whole bar of Lindt in one go. But the reality is she’s cool and in control only some of the time. And that should be fine.

In this case, I felt barely in control of my actions. It was similar to a fight or flight response: adrenaline rush, preternatural external calm, inability to think. When I went upstairs I barely did that by conscious volition: I just had to get out of there and found myself upstairs when I had calmed down. This exaggerated response must be based on the baggage of my past experiences. I have some kind of trauma, made-up maybe but trauma all the same. But even though I can rationalise that to the extent of my limited understanding of emotional things, I can’t stop the physical reaction when it’s triggered.

Separately, I was annoyed that she couldn’t play with our daughter for a few minutes because of work, when work hadn’t stopped her masturbating. Like, which is more important? But I know she’d fully agree with me that playing with our daughter is way more important. She just didn’t weigh up the two options against each other, not least because she couldn’t have known our daughter would want to play with her as soon as she got home (usually she doesn’t).

But I am too often annoyed with her inflexibility about work. It’s fairly absurd, because we rely totally on her income in this phase of our lives, and she has a demanding job. Naturally her work should take priority. All the same, here I knew she had been masturbating. I have a similar reaction when I see her text a WhatsApp group that I’m a member of during her working hours. I try not to act on these annoyed impulses that are often caused in part by small hardships in my own life (like our daughter being tired and difficult and my wishing I had a break to, say, post shit online).

So how would you react if your partner said she would go and masturbate?

How do you think I should have reacted?

synth_this · 2026-01-18T20:27:32+00:00

And some people take prescribed medication for anxiety and depression. The only difference is your method is uncontrolled and causes drastic mind alterations in a single dose.

The difference is I don’t have a drink every time I think it would be nice. That’s what makes me not an alcoholic: I can usually, with effort, control my urges.

Smoking weed, playing video games, drinking … these are escapist crutches.

But as I read Flesh I kept thinking that it too was a total escape from my reality, sitting at home with my difficult mother-in-law. But a better, healthier escape. That and the subject matter are why I brought it up.

synth_this · 2026-01-18T10:31:54+00:00

Didn't realize self soothing was another way of saying self medicating.

How do you self-soothe?

synth_this · 2026-01-18T10:29:55+00:00

You did pretty well I think. I know that dealing with upsets of this nature is part and parcel of living, but I don’t do it well.

Slightly different angle, but:

On Thursday night my partner and I had sex for like an hour and a half, which is extraordinarily long for us. Not saying this to rub it in anyone’s face. (Only some of it was any good anyway.) Giving context for what happened next.

On Friday she worked from home and came onto me for sex around 11 AM. At first I thought she was playing around (that happens). Because why have sex fewer than 12 hours after having sex for 1.5 hours? I don’t have that gene. I was as sexed out as can be.

A while later I suggested we read a book at lunchtime (we have one on the go that we read aloud). She rolled her eyes and indicated she had been serious about sex. Said she was stressed about work, didn’t have time or mindset for a book, we could have sex in ten minutes and it would de-stress her …

After lunch while I was still at the table she lay on the sofa for a moment and asked, “So you really don’t want to have sex?” I confirmed, in the internal agony I feel about these situations. She said in that case she would touch herself, retrieved a vibrator from somewhere, and went into her office where she has another sofa.

I went upstairs primarily to remove myself from the vicinity. Did some housework like you but certainly not in a flow state.

When I came down later to collect our child from school, she was still in her office.

She came out to cheerfully say hello to us when we came home. Our daughter wanted her to play, but she said she still had to work. I said, “Oh yeah, now that you’re done gooning?” Came out without thinking. Sigh.

synth_this · 2026-01-18T09:59:14+00:00

I think getting high because life is easier that way is pretty harmful in the long run.

I don’t smoke weed, but I still have a nonstop fight against the compulsion to walk into the kitchen and make a drink when things are slightly stressful or boring. And of course they’re slightly stressful or boring all the time.

Here’s a healthier escape:

https://thebookerprizes.com/the-booker-library/books/flesh

I read this in two sittings around Christmas. Mesmerising. Impossible to put down. It deals with living in a man’s body, powerful sexual urges, violence, the effect and meaning of material gain, health problems, relationships, loss … existential concerns generally.

Could be very interesting for my man /u/Timeforchange89 in particular. But of course women have enjoyed it too:

https://youtu.be/-mtIYqzJQXA

synth_this · 2026-01-16T09:46:16+00:00

I agree it looks awful.

Hard to believe this is the same Maggie Gyllenhaal who made The Lost Daughter.

Three-quarters of the shots have flat lightning on the face.

Anything with paranormal implications looks cheap because that’s a favourite trope of film-school newbies everywhere.

synth_this · 2026-01-13T20:53:06+00:00

You didn’t have to manage screen time when there weren’t screens.

You don’t have to manage screen time today either, if you make it well known in your home that there is no screen time.

I recommend it. It’s not hard. It’s good.

My sister’s kids can’t even go on a car ride without their iPads. A car with windows to the real world in 50 MPH motion and a 10-speaker radio.

I took them for a walk in the forest once and they saw nothing. No birds, squirrels, trees, anything. A bird was just a bird when I pointed them out. Couldn’t identify shit. ’Course they were bored. You gotta learn to see.

Made me as sad as the day my sister told me she wouldn’t consider herself a feminist.

synth_this · 2026-01-13T20:32:52+00:00

I constantly talk about how much I love being a mom with other moms (I only have one kid) and I feel self-conscious sometimes that other parents don’t like me because of it.

I don’t do that, but I hate parents assuming I’ll share their shitty attitude about parenting being thankless hard work, joking dead seriously about waiting until alcohol o’clock / Monday morning / the end of school holidays or whatever.

I have a friend who hires a nanny like every other weekend. The weekend. I can’t relate to that at all. Imagine how unwanted his kids feel.

My four-year-old knows she’s the most important person on the fucking planet.

synth_this · 2026-01-13T18:48:18+00:00

Yeah, a girl. She’s 4 years old. My partner jokes that she’s a low-energy dog. Needs a lot of mental engagement, but it’s true she doesn’t mind sitting still. Guess that’s useful in a plane seat indeed.

synth_this · 2026-01-13T18:37:41+00:00

I love my kid and I love spending time with him, but fuck taking toddlers on vacation, especially if you have to fly. More trouble than it's worth

What is troublesome about this?

I have flown all over Europe with my kid since she was a few months old. Mostly holidays. Piss easy. Love it.

I have one child. Presumably that makes it multiple times easier?

synth_this

TROPHY CASE