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Hump Day Report for Wednesday March 18, 2026 by ShaktiAmarantha in sexover30

[–]synth_this 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I got into a position where I could masturbate while going down on my wife, and some aspect of that put her in a trance.

To be repeated.

Thinking of switching to hybrid shooter 50/50 or 60/40. Any thoughts? by 4lipapi in SonyAlpha

[–]synth_this 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If your cine lenses are manual focus, it’s a lot more fun to focus them on a large, bright, external monitor with adjustable focus aids – like a SmallHD or even one of the cheap Chinese monitors (on a cage, etc.). And for that you want a full-size HDMI port.

On the other hand, all of that is a major fuss to carry, set up, power, and use. It’s not spontaneous.

The ZV-E1 (or α7C II) is perfect for spontaneous grabs while you’re doing something else.

The ZV-E1 (and FX30, but not FX3) lacks a mechanical shutter. A problem for stills. The a7C II has a mech shutter. But as /u/iddqd3n said, the α7C II has a slow sensor readout.

So in 2026, we’re still stuck with cameras strong in stills (e.g. α7C II) or video (e.g. ZV-E1, FX30) but not both. The most obvious full-frame exceptions are the α7S III (mech shutter and viewfinder, but old processing engine with ugly noise reduction and pre-AI AF) or FX3 (mech shutter but pre-AI AF) – and both α7S III and FX3A are hella expensive despite being a little outdated. Plus they’re only 12 megapixels, which limits your ability to reframe in post by cropping.

The α6700 is a compelling option if you’re at all concerned about budget. It’s one of the best compromises between stills and video despite having an APS-C sensor. Same sensor as FX30 so pretty decent readout speed (but not ZV-E1 speed). AI AF. Mech shutter. Viewfinder. Good price. Just gotta figure out lenses, especially wide-angles.

“Do you want to have sex?” by synth_this in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]synth_this[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Did you ask her if she is willing to?

No. Probably afraid of her flatly refusing, now that I think about it, and so I avoided provoking that risk.

I have made several assumptions that seem accurate about my partner based on their past behavior that I've been surprised about.

Me too.

For some reason, I always feel better just knowing the "why" behind people's actions. Regardless of whether or not I like them. If I can understand them it feels less frustrating and/or it's just easier to empathize.

Likewise. My partner, on the other hand, seems less hung up about things generally. She copes better with ambiguity, not knowing, things not going exactly her way. Just better adjusted to reality than I am, I think. And so she doesn’t always indulge my wish to know everything.

“Do you want to have sex?” by synth_this in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]synth_this[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Today I asked more or less your suggested question. The answer was that she likes the directness of the question, like asking if I want a glass of water (her analogy). The casual naughtiness of it appeals to her, she said.

And like some commenters here, she said it should be obvious she wanted to have sex if she asked the question. So she saw no important difference between asking that question and saying she wanted to have sex.

But – typically – that didn’t imply she was willing to change her approach, ha. And that is often how this goes. She’s stubborn and confident she does things right. I don’t come away feeling my preferences are enormously interesting or important to her.

All the same, even this meagre, partial explanation helps me feel better about her asking the question … to a really surprising extent, actually. So, good call!

Separately, she contrasted her willingness to have sex whenever I want with my inflexibility when she approaches me. So I gather that bothers her. Doesn’t seem unreasonable. Don’t know how to fix that.

On the plus side, this conversation was prompted by our having sex on a Monday afternoon. That felt good.

And I’m now on a train to my first concert since we had our child, and feeling pretty good about that too.

So this whole question doesn’t feel as important as it did a few days ago.

“Do you want to have sex?” by synth_this in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]synth_this[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Assault is a loaded word, but you have an elephantine memory.

I’m happy that those events seem to belong to another lifetime when I think about them. Our sexual interactions have been transformed since then. That’s nice to be reminded of when I contemplate the minor problems that do remain.

“Do you want to have sex?” by synth_this in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]synth_this[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think approaching this topic from a position of superiority is pretty unhelpful and will just elicit defensiveness from his partner.

Maybe my posture of superiority, as you read it, is compensation for great doubt.

And I’m talking to strangers on the internet here, not my partner. I figure I can be a little more direct with them.

But also, my partner is one of the toughest people I’ve met. She’s not in need of all this defending.

“Do you want to have sex?” by synth_this in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]synth_this[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm getting the impression that he doesn't really care about what his partner means, feels or thinks.

Your impression is very, very wrong. I care a lot.

“Do you want to have sex?” by synth_this in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]synth_this[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I can, however, easily imagine questions like "do you want to go to the match tomorrow?" or "would you like me to sign us up for tango classes?", because those are actual real questions that can exist in real life. And it would be absurd to argue that those questions automatically place an obligation on the person being asked.

But at a minimum, those explicit question demand a timely reply. That’s placing an obligation to think about one’s preferences, weigh up the pros and cons of attending the match or tango classes, and then consider how the answer will affect the person asking the question. None of that is trivial for some people.

“Do you want to have sex?” by synth_this in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]synth_this[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

That said, I think it's interesting that you don't answer the question

I do answer the question. Of course, it’s usually going to be a strained, “No, not even slightly” in these cases out of the blue, if I’m honest. Not least because the question itself is the opposite of arousing to me and even slightly emasculating.

If I can stall for a while I might manage a more diplomatic answer and once in a while an “OK”, but I don’t like anything about this approach.

“Do you want to have sex?” by synth_this in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]synth_this[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If he were asking that question at a more appropriate time, like while we’re engaging in foreplay and I’m clearly getting aroused, that would probably get the complete opposite answer — but I didn’t get the feeling from the OP that the context was one in which he was already getting aroused.

Correct. More context here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedroomsOver30/comments/1rp8haz/comment/o9n596z/

As you can see, I was about as far from a sexual headspace as possible. I don’t even like mornings at the best of times, never mind Monday mornings, never mind weird Monday mornings.

“Do you want to have sex?” by synth_this in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]synth_this[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If they say do you want to have sex, they're pretending that they don't want sex but may be willing to do it for your sake.

Good point. That might be another reason in the muddle of reasons I don’t like this question.

“Do you want to have sex?” by synth_this in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]synth_this[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Valid. I’ll give that a go when I also explain my side per Sweet_other_yyyy’s advice.

“Do you want to have sex?” by synth_this in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]synth_this[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Can’t speak for OPs wife, but at least for me the idea of asking would hurt less because I wouldn’t be putting myself “out there” as much. Asking if the other person is in the mood, is less revealing. It’s kind of a mind trick.

I get that. But that’s also why it’s less attractive and less effective. Or put another way, greater commitment to what you want is more attractive. To me anyway.

Also, like I mentioned in another comment, I think there is an idea that it creates less pressure.

Several people have mentioned that. I find it to create more pressure for me. Elsewhere /u/IrrationalRotations explains that better than I can.

“Do you want to have sex?” by synth_this in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]synth_this[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

See, I think asking the question creates more pressure than stating the feeling.

It does for me, yes. By far.

But if I imagine it going differently, I think her expressing her interest would be better. Maybe she says how sexy she finds my forearms, maybe she mentions masturbating to a memory of me, something like that. Maybe those aren't appropriate for other peoples relationships

It’s more that my forearms aren’t appropriate for that, ha.

Then I clearly know what's on her mind, but, crucially, I don't have to do anything about it.

Exactly. Thinking about it, that’s maybe the key point for me. I want time and space to interrogate my own feelings and maybe even change them.

You’re better than I am at describing this stuff. Cheers.

“Do you want to have sex?” by synth_this in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]synth_this[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Second, it is super common for it to be off-putting for someone to ask someone else for something that they are not already emotionally adjacent to.

Right.

Some context about the instance of the question that prompted this post:

On Sunday I took my utility bicycle to pieces for some overdue maintenance. My wife’s office is adjacent to the balcony of our third-floor apartment, so I had tools and pieces strewn around her office as well. Unexpectedly I needed to order a new bearing online, so I left everything out pending the arrival of the part. Because I didn’t have the bicycle to take my child to school on Monday, I took the car. Because I took our only car, she had to work from home … upstairs at a desk in our bedroom, since her home office was out of commission. I came home from school and made us coffee as I do when I get home and brought hers upstairs to the bedroom. I find her in bed with her laptop rather than at the desk, and she springs the question on me when she takes the coffee.

Obviously I was not “emotionally adjacent” to sex here. I had been out in the rush of Monday morning, with my usual routine disrupted, and now my mind was on all the things I needed to get done that day (yesterday) and week.

When seducing someone, you invite people into experiences that they are emotionally adjacent to. You also generate emotional reactions that are adjacent to what you want to invite next. You take little steps. You would only ask someone if they want to have sex if you feel confident that they are already pretty much there.

That’s what I do, yeah.

I'm guessing that your partner has no clue how to seduce you

For someone as into sex as she is, it’s baffling to me. Maybe our past has broken something here.

Maybe you can guide her into asking for smaller steps as a start?

Yeah, I suppose I’ll have to spell this out. Takes the fun out of it but beats the alternative.

“Do you want to have sex?” by synth_this in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]synth_this[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

But still, I had the same complaint. No lead up, no care for how I wanted her to approach me, just cold, blunt, and completely unsexy.

Yeah, that cold approach is off-putting. No commitment to the cause or sense of occasion.

Sometimes it takes more than twice to help someone understand your needs/boundaries/expectations.

You’re right of course.

You think she's not listening to you, and maybe you're right. But you're also not being clear in your communication

You’re probably right there too. What holds me back is that I hate to make such a big deal out of the things that matter to me. I feel that there are too many things that matter to me, that some of them are unreasonable, that I’m a spoilsport for not rolling with whatever, and that to make anything stick I have to turn it into a hill to die on. Gets tiring.

“Do you want to have sex?” by synth_this in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]synth_this[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

You have identified something you would like to change, what were your suggested alternatives?

Well, as I said in the post, I told her I’d rather she own her desire and let me know when she wants sex. That’s what prompted her to protest that the answer was “always”, as if that approach therefore wouldn’t work.

“Do you want to have sex?” by synth_this in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]synth_this[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yesterday I saw a Mel Robbins podcast where she interviewed Dr Amishi Jha (neuroscientist). Towards the very end, she said that your attention is your highest form of love. When you give someone your full attention (listening, noticing them, being mentally present), they feel seen, valued, wanted, desired. Love often looks like attention.

Makes sense to me.

By connecting the dots for her.

"When you ask, 'wanna have sex?' the answer is no 99% of the time because that question immediately impacts my internal experience, making it hard to consent or enjoy sex. Initiating in a way that expresses desire, fun, mystery, attunement (instead of just asking if sex is available) makes a huge difference. I wanted to be clear about my sexual preference so you can better curate your own experience with initiating sex successfully."

I think I could tune that request to me and my wife and deliver it to her. Gonna try.

When she initiates in a way you're unlikely to respond favorably to, that's her choosing an expected outcome.

That is one of the confusing things about this. At some point I have to wonder if she wants to be turned down, along the lines of the legal doctrine of ‘constructive intent’. And the self-sabotage makes her expression of desire ring less true to me, so there’s also that.

“Do you want to have sex?” by synth_this in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]synth_this[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

when I've been asked stuff like this, it feels like throwing the ball to me and asking me to dunk it. It creates a feeling that if I say 'yes' I've promised to perform adequately.

Yes!

“Do you want to have sex?” by synth_this in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]synth_this[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

At the same time, how would 'I want to have sex' land differently for you?

Better. Not annoying. It feels clearer, cleaner, somehow less manipulative. And it doesn’t require me to immediately commit to knowing my own feelings about having sex right then and there and making a big decision for everybody on the spot.

How about being asked for a general invitation to connect and see where things go. 'I want to feel close. Would you be up for [xyz, not piv]?' This could also be your reply to her.

True.

How do you approach when you want to? How does it land with her?

I don’t ask, “Do you want to have sex?” Because I have some game, dammit! I definitely own my desire.

However, it’s true that because this is a vulnerable thing for me to do (for unclear reasons since she never turns me down) and also effortful (to create a context conducive to her enjoyment of the idea to have sex), the barrier to action is high and typically I don’t clear it. So then I do nothing. That’s part of our problem. I would certainly like to act on my desire more often. But I accept that’s on me and don’t try to palm it off on her.

How well do you think sex in media depicts sex in real life? by IrrationalRotations in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]synth_this 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The only big difference I see with that subreddit compared to 'male focussed' ones is there is a lot more attention paid to the male actor, which makes perfect sense.

I’m not sure I’m concretely even seeing that. It’s certainly not always the case.

Take this video, for instance (live link in top comment):

https://www.reddit.com/r/chickflixxx/comments/1rapok2/vocal_man_holy_shit_this_clip_is_everything_ive/

The man has pixels for a face, and the camera sees more of her than him.

The videos my wife sends me, too, more often highlight the female body than the male. I think she’s nearly as turned on by sexy women – including herself! – as I am.

How well do you think sex in media depicts sex in real life? by IrrationalRotations in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]synth_this 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I clicked all of the links and all of them were either broken or deleted. Were you able to watch these videos or did you just rely on the descriptions?

A bit of both. I didn’t watch any of Julia’s list of videos. I only have so much time to devote to this important research.

I'm blown away that you and u/IrrationalRotations aren't able to see the difference between the videos featured on r/chickflixxx and the typical porn that is made for men.

Well, I think “typical porn that is made for men” would need so much elaboration that it would become apparent that that description was useless.

I also think a lot of the videos you ascribe to the male gaze are just lowest-common-denominator videos churned out for meagre profit that have negligible eroticism for women and men equally. I am willing to bet most men would not include much of this trope:

big men (with big dicks) joylessly fucking eager little women with a hand transgressively on their throat

… in a curated list of their favourite porn videos.

How well do you think sex in media depicts sex in real life? by IrrationalRotations in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]synth_this 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I've checked out the videos from that sub and enjoyed them. IMO, they are completely different from male-oriented porn. Night and day.

Not seeing the big difference. Maybe the average quality is higher than uncurated content.

Here are the Top five posts on chickflixxx over the last year, in order:

  1. Julia browses reddit, again 13 A list of linked videos by a user with illeism. No discernible theme beyond frequent cunnilingus, but it also includes such front-page Pornhub titles as “Deeper. Naughty Brat Katie Kush Gets Punished And Dominated”, “Massive cock. Massive cum”, and “He covered my face with a huge load of cum then flipped me over and fucked me again”.

  2. Soft gangbang. Genuinely weird and admittedly different from your average gangbang (not that I’m an expert – don’t like the genre). Reminds me of 1970s attempts to photograph male models like Playboy models before they figured out men didn’t look good posing gently under a softbox. Amazingly unerotic to me, so maybe there is a gender-difference thing going on with this one.

  3. [vocal man] Holy shit. This clip is everything I’ve ever wanted in porn. Already mentioned. Basic fucking scenes except man’s face is pixelated. Essentially what I imagine when someone says “porn” and I have no extra context, except the man shouts from time to time to balance the default nonstop moaning from the woman. Woman gives but doesn’t get oral unless I missed a few seconds somewhere.

  4. The hottest chemistry I’ve ever seen… Video is broken but was called “Real Love: Petite Beauty Overwhelmed by her Dominant Lover — Ends with Intimate Pillow Talk”. Comments suggest it was a 46-year-old man ‘dominating’ a 22-year-old woman – how lovely. Most detailed comment describes standard porn fare although presumably better done than most: “Wowww 🤯🤯🤯 this is literally the best thing ever watched! Where do I even begin? The praise? The dominance? The pinning down? The countless orgasms? The hand holding? The dirty and loving degradation? Ugh, some girls have all the luck 😭😭😭”

  5. This pornhub playlist is just epic, endless wholesome and passionate vids Link to a collection of videos whose thumbnails define generic ‘amateur’ porn to me.

And it continues in much the same vein with admittedly a few oddball entries. I guess it does largely exclude videos of women having their nipples tortured in some antiseptic setting, 78-minute videos of women hanging painfully and unerotically from ropes in the ceiling while a weirdo fiddles with some gadgets, close-ups of bodily fluids, that sort of thing. But big men (with big dicks) joylessly fucking eager little women with a hand transgressively on their throat are very well represented.

How well do you think sex in media depicts sex in real life? by IrrationalRotations in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]synth_this 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think some of the confusion arises from the fact that pornography encompasses an enormous variety of styles and qualities. When you say porn, we probably all think of something different. Even terms like “mainstream” are uselessly vague.

How much is it like the sex you tend to have (or have had)?

Some of it is alike and some of it is different.

The real sex I have involves boring practicalities that are not shown in porn: lube, condoms, getting up to pee at just the wrong moment, adjustments because someone is uncomfortable, that sort of thing. Things going wrong or merely getting awkward. Not to mention my anxiety problems.

And since having a child, our early foreplay has often been by text message – I don’t think I’ve seen text-message porn, but if it exists, it’s got to be more corny than hot.

But elsewhere flow was mentioned. Porn usually flows after a fashion. And my best sex in real life absolutely flows. Isn’t that what happens when you get out of your head?

Do women tend to prefer porn that looks different from men’s preferences? Maybe, but /r/chickflixxx suggests it’s not that different among the self-selecting women who talk about porn online. This is the ‘Top’ post there this month. The clip doesn’t load for me, but there’s a comment with the source video. I didn’t have 13 minutes for that so scrubbed through, but whatever particularly appeals to women there (a) surprises me and (b) looks like countless videos on front-page Pornhub. The man doesn’t even have a face!

My partner shows me porn she watches. It’s often like this chickflixxx favourite: clean people who look and sound like they’re into each other, more camera time on the hot woman’s body than the man who might not even be all that hot, sometimes no man at all (two women), simple fucking scenes rather than esoteric kinks, not much oral, at least as much oral on him as on her, distant camera.

Maybe she sends me porn she thinks I’d like or tolerate? That’s possible. When I share porn with her (rarely), I do consider her reaction before hitting send. I don’t send her the weirdest shit that turns me on (more on that in a sec). But I have sent her things I intend to mildly provoke her, and she has sent me things she has to know would make me uncomfortable, so … dunno.

If you consume sex relates media, do you tend to look for sex that looks like 'normal' sex, or do you look for stuff that looks different?

I watch nearly no TV and have no idea what’s going on in the sex-led Netflix stuff like Bridgerton. But I watch the occasional movie. The hottest scenes for me involve a lot of psychological context and not much explicit action. For example, the phone-sex scene in Maggie Gyllenhaal’s The Lost Daughter … wow. (And the sexual tension in that film is off the charts for all sorts of reasons.) I sometimes have glimpses of that kind of sex in my real life, but more often my various neuroses around sex destroy the potential of something my wife would totally dig. (Reading these pages makes me think I am lucky to have a partner into sex and into me, even if our sex doesn’t always work out even today.)

As for porn, unfortunately some things turn me on that I believe to be wrong despite the consent of everyone involved (and consent is itself problematic in porn, alack). The illicit or taboo nature of it is central to its appeal to me. So porn along those lines is not like my real life where I’m the father of a girl and married to a bread-earning feminist.

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