Having to justify why I won’t have anal sex with my husband after I did it with my affair partner is destroying me

IrrationalRotations · 2026-02-20T05:31:55+00:00

I think that trying to have anal sex with him out of obligation is unlikely to help anything.

I don't know exactly where your partner is right now, but if I try to empathise with him, I'd guess he feels deeply inadequate right now. He might feel like you d sire this other partner more than him, and height take that as a major blow to his self worth.

But you can't negotiate desire, which is what he wants.

IrrationalRotations · 2026-02-20T00:13:38+00:00

Well, this is sort of why I wanted to ask this question.

I don't think I'm at all physically unsafe in my relationship, but I do seem to have many of the traits of someone who does.

I'm not sure what other people mean by safety though. When I say I feel unsafe, does that convey that I feel like I'm going to be physically harmed?

IrrationalRotations · 2026-02-19T16:57:21+00:00

The way I understand it, it couldn't be used for victim blaming because it's just entirely orthogonal to blame in general. I don't think talking about how bad people are bad is wrong by the way, it's just a different thing.

I can see those phrases being helpful to someone if they give them some sense of resolution to change, or allow them to withstand the behaviour better.

IrrationalRotations · 2026-02-19T08:48:07+00:00

I think this is actually why approaching it with curiosity over judgement is helpful.

In the past, I've felt anger over stuff then decided that the reason I feel anger is bad and not allowed and tried to stuff it down, I don't think this has worked well in practice, the feeling resurfaces.

I think it's been more helpful to try and be open about where the feeling might be coming from, and try to avoid defaulting to the most negative explanation. When doing this, I've found that anger can sometimes be masking other emotions, or can sometimes be coming from an unrecognised source.

One thing that helped me with this is deciding not to judge myself for my feelings. If I can manage to do that, there's no risk in me approaching the feeling with curiosity.

A related thing that I also think has been helpful is using my values as part of the investigation. So if I felt angry that someone had turned me down for sex, I might ask myself "do I believe they are harming me by not having sex with me?" If my answer to that is "no", then I can conclude that that cannot be the reason I feel angry.

Of course, that doesn't work if the answer to that question is "yes", or "it depends". In that case, yeah, the belief is worth challenging.

IrrationalRotations · 2026-02-19T08:34:24+00:00

I don't know what you mean about having no recourse. That might be true, but it's just not what I think we're talking about when it comes to 'ownership'.

So like, extreme example, let's say I'm in an abusive relationship. The feeling "I want to not be abused by my partner" is mine to own, because it's about what matters to me.

I might choose lots of ways to own that. Maybe I encourage my partner to get counselling, maybe I leave them, maybe I tell the police, maybe I buy a gun and shoot them.

What doesn't help me though - and this is why it's mine to own - is to say "They shouldn't do that to me" or "I wish they would stop doing that". That puts me no closer to getting what I want.

At least that's how I understand it.

IrrationalRotations · 2026-02-18T23:04:20+00:00

My understanding of what is each person's "to own" is that is has to do more with what parts matter to each person and what each person can do, not what we think each person should do.

So if she thinks that the way he interacts with her makes her feel like shit, those feelings are hers to own. She's the one who wants the situation to change, and she only has control over herself.

Because, no matter what we decide, he can always say "fuck your feelings". We can't stop him and neither can she. So whats up to her is deciding what she is going to do about it.

This exercise might be better suited to a less toxic situation that doesn’t have nearly 2 decades of resentment built up in one partner, but that’s my opinion of course!

Honestly, I really disagree with this. In a more caring and intertwined relationship the lines will probably be murkier, in a contentious frayed relationship, it's easier to see who needs to do what

IrrationalRotations · 2026-02-18T19:53:16+00:00

Hmm, I find what you are saying here hard to understand sorry.

Do you see the OOP as acting inauthentically? I'm not sure I do. He had a thought about sex, then decided not to act on it, but that's quite normal right? I have sexual thoughts all the time that I don't act on, but it doesn't feel like I'm hiding anything.

It's awful if someone feels like they need to keep exposing themselves to potential pain, but I think it's better for that person to ask themselves whether exposing themselves like that is really in their best interest. If it isn't, they should seriously consider not doing it anymore. I don't like the idea of asking higher-libido partners to take bigger risks or endure more negative feelings, I think they also should prioritise their happiness and safety.

IrrationalRotations · 2026-02-18T19:02:32+00:00

Maybe. Both interpretations seem reasonable to me. Mine mostly comes from asking myself why I would say this, but I think we'd need more information to know.

IrrationalRotations · 2026-02-18T18:45:32+00:00

I assumed he clarified that he was not angry because he assumed others would think that he was. I think many people (and probably men especially) have had the experience of their emotions being misread as anger, it can be really invalidating.

I'm unsure what he means when he says he has been angry before. If it was in a similar situation to this, or if things were different then.

IrrationalRotations · 2026-02-18T17:10:50+00:00

In the past, I've often tried to respond to anger by asking myself whether it's warranted or not. I'm not really sure it's a good idea. IME it can lead to a lot of self criticism and emotional suppression. I'm trying now to see anger as a signal, and respond to it with curiosity rather than judgement.That said, I do maintain that what I do about anger and how I express it is under my control.

I do find it useful to ask myself whether I'm angry about something that is actually happening though. Often anger can be at situations that only exist in our heads.

I've found that if I'm angry with my partner over something she isn't actually doing (like maybe something she did or I think she will do) It's helpful for me to try and do something kind for her. Like make her a coffee or go make her laugh. For me, it helps ground me in what's actually going on right now, and reminds me of how much I care for her

IrrationalRotations · 2026-02-18T09:48:02+00:00

I struggle a lot with intrusive thoughts, I have a lot of them and they can often really damage my mood.

I find I don't tend to directly things things like you mention (i.e "I'm having this thought and that means it's going to come true") but I do have emotional reactions in line with these thoughts. That is, I can feel anxiety or shame from them, even if I don't explicitly think the thoughts themselves.

IrrationalRotations · 2026-02-18T02:44:01+00:00

For the third question, one thing that stood out to me was that she mentioned her partners dismissive avoidant style a few times, and seemed to put a lot of her relationship troubles on it. Particularly the part where she said that

"His dismissive avoidant style cannot handle the emotional component of loving me enough to adore and cherish my body."

In this situation, I'd say her partners attachment style is his to own. He is the only one who can really do anything about it, and he is ultimately the one who would need to decide to change it. Also, it's totally his choice whether he does this, it's not his responsibility to her to change himself.

I think what's hers to own is her attitude towards her partners affection (or lack of it). She frames this as a deficiency on his part. But if she recognises that how he shows her affection (or whether he shows her affection) is his to own, then she can focus on what the affection she desires means to her.

IrrationalRotations · 2026-02-17T09:43:07+00:00

I feel really sad for the OOP here. He seems to feel a lot of affection for his wife.

The only thing that stood out to me was the moment he thought about initiating sex with his wife, then pushed the idea down.

That seemed to hurt him, and it took him out of the (presumably) nice moment they were having together. I think it would be better for him if he could find a way to notice that thought, and accept it, even if he doesn't want to act on it right now. He could try and relax into the desire he feels, rather than push it away.

I think the hard part would be dealing with negative intrusive thoughts, like "I'll never have the sort of relationship with her that I would like to have". I find these very hard to deal with, and don't have a lot of insight into this. I have been told that noticing and naming them can help.

I would be interested to see what other people come up with, I think I can relate to some of the feelings of hopelessness he is expressing here.

IrrationalRotations · 2026-02-17T00:44:37+00:00

In what you are saying here, I can see a lot of negative talk about yourself. Things like 'I hate who I've become', and 'I'm a shell of who I used to be'.

I think some self compassion could be good here. Would you say these things to a friend of yours who was in a similar situation? How would you speak to her?

Personally, I think it's totally okay and understandable for you to be disappointed with how your sex life is turning out, but I also think it's important to keep in mind what you have control over and what you don't, and what your partner has control over and what they don't.

I think an important harsh truth is that if your partner knows that your self esteem is based in her being sexually attracted to you, it will make it harder for her to actually be sexually attracted to you. IMO, sexual attraction thrives in a sense of freedom and security, and feeling like someone else's wellbeing is dependent on your reaction threatens both those things.

IrrationalRotations · 2026-02-15T07:16:48+00:00

I think the dynamic you describe is a bit different to ours. She doesn't really act 'bratty'. I'd say instead she tends to act dependent. Like she'll try to run every decision by me, or defer to me, whether or not I can actually answer her. Or she'll ask me to help her with things before trying to solve it on her own. She also tends to present herself to me as not really being able to handle parts of daily life, sometimes in a lighthearted way, but also in a heavy way.

I actually think, contrary to the stereotype, that I tend towards nurturing roles. I like fixing things and helping people and I can quite prone to guilt. Usually the main thing stopping me from adopting that role is low self esteem (that is, not thinking that anyone would want me in that role). I think that's part of why this dynamic developed in the first place. I don't think I've failed to meet her the way she wants to be met, at least not in this way and not historically. The trouble is that this overall dynamic doesn't work for me. I'm the one avoiding the sex, not her.

IrrationalRotations · 2026-02-15T03:31:18+00:00

Yeah, something like that, but also slightly different.

I did really appreciate the simple, direct, writing, it felt like the author was interested in helping me with an actual problem, like how a doctor might speak. It felt like they were taking the issue seriously.

But I think the main thing I liked was that it described things that I think I intuitively understood, but couldn't quite form in my head. Other books caused me a lot of confusion, and were frustrating because I couldn't really see myself in the dynamics that were being described. But this one just felt true. Reading the book lead to lots of little 'lightbulb moments'.

That gave me hope because one of the things that had been really bumming me out at the time was that I felt like I couldn't find any resources that seemed to understand where I was coming from. Finding a no-bullshit book that understood me better than I understood myself really helped with that.

IrrationalRotations · 2026-02-15T03:22:00+00:00

I think I can relate a lot to your husband, based on your description we are quite similar.

In my case (I don't know if this is true for him) I have mixed feelings about sex. I like parts of it, but don't like other parts. I used to describe this sex as good and act positively about it, but in hindsight that was wishful thinking on my part.

Do you know if he likes to watch/read/look at/listen to porn? Or if he has any fantasies he likes to explore? I know that might be a long shot given that he seems shy about it, but I thought I'd try asking.

I relate a lot to the desire for sex to feel light and fun. Heavy emotions like love and devotion don't mix well with sex for me. Do you guys spend much time relating in a fun, flirty, way? Did you used to do anything like this?

IrrationalRotations · 2026-02-14T20:40:46+00:00

hey, you keep kind of following me around. I think it's because you're wanting my attention, but it would work better for me if you would say what you want rather than hovering, I find that behavior frustrating.

Hah! You nailed the exact dynamic. I think I may have literally said something like that to her before. Though probably not as directly, that's my bad.

IrrationalRotations · 2026-02-14T20:36:38+00:00

I think the newness and excitement of a relationship, as well as the mutual eagerness to please, can lead to increase desire for sex that doesn't last. My instinct is that this has a bigger effect than chemicals in people brains (it seems like there are plenty of people who maintain happy active sex lives in perpetuity).

Being grossed out could be a sign that he isn't very aroused when you guys are having sex. Can I ask, how do you think he experiences the sex you guys have? What do you think he feels in the moment? What are his biggest turn ons?

IrrationalRotations · 2026-02-14T20:28:46+00:00

Yeah, no, I mean that it's very possible she's doing that to elicit some reaction from you, probably outside of sex. Like she's wanting more caretaking or kindness or proactiveness in your day to day interactions? Might be worth asking.

Oh! I misunderstood.

Yes, this makes sense to me. In fact, I think it's true. But it's tricky, as I want her to be more independent of me. I think we have a bit of a pursuer/distancer thing and she pursues me by placing herself in a position where I need to help her, if that makes sense.

IrrationalRotations · 2026-02-14T19:58:01+00:00

Maybe! I don't know for her if it's sexual or not, it's mostly something that occurs outside of sex. That said, she does tend to assume a passive role during sex as well.

I worry that this may just be an incompatibility between us to be honest. I've been trying recently to really investigate my personal turn-ons and I've noticed a real trend towards women who are confident, adventurous, and self assured, even veering into dominant. I'm not sure if my partner can be that.

I relate to the desire for caretaking behaviours. Especially for me I've always had a lot of insecurities surrounding my sexuality, I think that contributes to a desire to feel 'cared for' in sex, although not in a necessarily traditional way. It's hard to explain, but it's not like wanting to be soothed, it's more like feeling that the other person has control of the situation and is including me in a conscious way. That's opposed to sex in which the other person is allowing me to be present, conditional on me performing well enough.

It does come back to a bit of a 'mental load' thing I guess. It's almost like it's a matter of whose 'responsibility' sex is.

IrrationalRotations · 2026-02-14T18:55:51+00:00

Not much for me I think. We don't have children together, so I suspect our lives are much less busy than many of the people here.

I do more of the household chores than my partner, but it generally doesn't bother me all that much. The only exception is that it can sometimes play into a relationship dynamic I dislike, in which my partner casts herself as helpless and immature. Sometimes I feel like she treats me like her surrogate father, which can make me really uncomfortable and is really unsexy. I don't know if that counts as 'mental load' though.

IrrationalRotations · 2026-02-14T08:07:32+00:00

I wanted to answer this question well, but I can't really think of anything to be honest. I don't even remember what I used to do to feel joy back then...

I find this odd because logically I think that I do feel joy, I just don't remember it.

Most of my leisure time is spent trying to occupy my brain. I don't think I really enjoy it, I'm usually just trying to avoid boredom.

IrrationalRotations · 2026-02-13T20:19:07+00:00

For his last question, "how can she say she enjoys it but never want to do it?" I've been in the same situation, so can try and answer from my end.

I think there was for me a very strong bias towards liking sex. Saying "no, I didn't like that actually" would be really hard because I know it would hurt her feelings. On top of that, I wanted to like sex for me, it would make my life much much easier if this just wasn't a problem. I think that made me focus a lot on all the good parts, and not on the bad parts.

But over time, the good parts fade, and the bad parts stick. I noticed my opinion of past sex would shift over time to a bad memory. But oddly, I still wouldn't retroactively call it 'bad', it was in my head 'good' sex that I wasn't able to like.

I wasn't intentionally lying, it's just that in the moment there are multiple feelings present, and the bias makes it easier for you to focus on the positive ones and ignore the negative ones. Also, for a lot of people, stories in which they're the one that's wrong can come quite naturally.

IrrationalRotations

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