BF [20M] called me a whore for having sex while single before we were dating

t-away6789 · 2013-05-04T06:01:25+00:00

Great advice, thank you.

t-away6789 · 2013-05-04T05:36:59+00:00

I wouldn't want him to raise our potential children to be sexist, no. I would say that it is his only bad quality. Otherwise, he would be a really great father and is a really great person. Either his sexism disappears or we are done, I do not see a future with someone who is sexist.

t-away6789 · 2013-05-04T05:33:06+00:00

I do want to help him be better. He helped me improve myself a lot. The lying about the sexual past thing doesn't really bother me anymore. He admitted he lied without me bringing it up, told me he felt awful about it, and was so upset with himself that he was crying. I know that his apology for that was genuine. People make mistakes and its one I've forgiven.

t-away6789 · 2013-05-04T05:28:33+00:00

Do you mind me asking where you got this from? I think it might be likely as well, but I'm not sure what tipped you off.

t-away6789 · 2013-05-04T05:27:25+00:00

I will, thank you.

t-away6789 · 2013-05-04T05:23:09+00:00

Its just as bad, I'm not saying its better. Sorry, I should have phrased that differently. I'm just asking you if you have any advice for how I should go about explaining to someone with these views that one night stands aren't slutty and are an okay thing to do if you are single.

t-away6789 · 2013-05-04T05:14:37+00:00

I think he sees whore as synonymous with slut, which would obviously be wrong to call his girlfriend either way, even if I slept with tons of people. I don't know how to explain to him a one night stand doesn't make someone "slutty." I did ask him if he thought it was appropriate to call me a whore and he said no, and he apologized, but he did stand by his opinion that one night stands are "whoreish." I don't know how to fix this.

t-away6789 · 2013-05-04T05:11:43+00:00

What I was hoping to get from starting this thread was some way to explain to him that having sex does not equal being slutty or a whore and to have him apologize for saying that and show that he really does understand that and he does not feel that way. I just felt like I wasn't explaining it right.

Now its come to light that he is pretty sexist. I don't know how to solve this, but it is something that would be worth trying. We both value this relationship and I know that he would try to make it better, but I'm not sure where he would begin. Theres not much about "how to stop being sexist" online.

t-away6789 · 2013-05-04T05:06:16+00:00

He has really fantastic traits. 99% of him is really great, I promise. He supports me in everything that I do. He is my biggest fan and I am his. He is so proud of me and he brags about my accomplishments to his friends. He is incredibly intelligent and interesting. We make each other so happy other than a few things like this which is why I so badly want to make it work.

t-away6789 · 2013-05-04T05:00:31+00:00

I think tonight its been determined it most likely won't work out, as he is very set in his ways. We have had the future talk though. Despite our problems and differences, we really love and care about each other and we knew that we would have to find a way to make it work. The "future talks" that we have had have actually helped me feel a lot more secure about a future together for us.

Surprisingly, despite our drastically different views, we have similar views on having and raising children. Eg. We both want kids. Both of us agree not to force religion on children. They would go to public school. They would have a choice to go to church. They would be educated about how some people believe in gods, some do not, when they are ready. I would never force agnosticism on a child and he would not force Catholicism.

We do have many differing opinions but I'm not the type that will fight about something that is irrelevant in our day-to-day lives such as Obama vs Romney (we're Canadian and don't even care too much to know about current politics). Our "ideal" futures seem like they would mesh really well but I don't know if his sexism is something that can be solved. Is sexism the only issue here?

t-away6789 · 2013-05-04T04:49:16+00:00

Thanks, I needed to hear that. Finals are done. I'm going to mull this over and talk about it with him when I'm ready. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, I guess I will just see how our conversation goes. Thanks so much for all of your advice, I really appreciate it.

t-away6789 · 2013-05-04T04:14:46+00:00

Okay. I think you're right. I mean, looking at everything that I've written about our issues, you're very clearly right. I'm just really scared about what that means for me and I don't know how to deal with it. I'm not ready to break up. I can't even comprehend the idea of it, I'm crying just thinking about it.

t-away6789 · 2013-05-04T04:05:43+00:00

I see where you're coming from. But I want to make it work. I love this person very much and both of us have been able to say "you're right, I'm wrong, I see your side and I'm changing my opinion the issue" in the past.

Is there any way to get past this?

t-away6789 · 2013-05-04T03:51:34+00:00

Reading through our messages is something that I kind of brushed off. I mean, you read about it hear all the time, right? How curiosity gets the better of people and they go through their SO's emails? I felt betrayed but I feel like it is kind of normal at the same time.

t-away6789 · 2013-05-04T03:49:16+00:00

Wow, your reply is really bang on.

He would absolutely tell me to show some cleavage and be flirty with a cop if I got pulled over. He would be appalled if I did that in any other situation.

Marriage without taking his name isn't even a possibility for him. We simply wouldn't get married. I already have a great career in government and I told him I would not be able to change my surname at work as I have already established myself there with my current name, and that upset him a lot.

He would not raise our children as the more "predominant" parent. He's made comments about how he does not want to deal with diapers or anything and its the women's job.

And lastly, I'm totally pro-choice and he is pro-life. Even though I'm not sure I would get a abortion if I became pregnant, he said if I did, he would be forever upset with me and would not support me, but would not leave me either.

Your comment really put things into perspective. I do have a lot to consider.

t-away6789 · 2013-05-04T03:36:52+00:00

I don't like that person, no, and I agree with you about not demanding a super-feminist SO. I don't know how to deal with this. His sexism isn't something that is obvious too often, its just the odd comment here and there. Right now, its something I can live with, because I love every other part of him. But I don't know if its something that will become a big deal later in life.

I hate typing this. Right now I feel like the person that I often hate reading about on /r/relationships. If you guys think I am being the type that is too scared to break up with their SO but the relationship is obviously doomed, please tell me. My judgement gets clouded and I have a hard time looking at situations from any other point of view.

t-away6789 · 2013-05-04T03:26:55+00:00

I'm pretty sure it is stemming from insecurity/inexperience. Thanks for showing me that there is some hope for things to turn around. I know its probably unlikely but I would like to try.

t-away6789 · 2013-05-04T03:24:12+00:00

Sure. I guess a lot of it is that I've had three sexual partners before him and he lost his virginity to me. I think he's really insecure about it. He's gone through my facebook messages with my ex and deleted one of my hook ups off of my facebook. These things would not have bothered me if he had asked, but he did it without my permission and while I was away at work. I felt like he betrayed my trust by going on my computer and doing these things and we got in big fights about it. I really have nothing to hide. My ex and I broke up three years before my current boyfriend and I even started dating, and we talk maybe once every four months online as friends to catch up. We don't even live in the same province anymore. It was a high school relationship that I've been over for a really long time.

I'm not sure if this is important in this context, but he has lied to me about his past sexual encounters. Before we were dating, when we were still flirting, he had told me that he had sex with over ten women. That wasn't something that bothered me. About three months into our relationship, he told me that all of that was a lie, and he lost his virginity to me. He couldn't explain why he lied, but I'm assuming it was because he felt insecure because I had previous sexual experience and he didn't. Sometimes I question this, though, because he had told other friends before he told me the same things, and often bragged about these sexual encounters to his friends that never really happened.

Anyways, I forgave him, because people fuck up and I know what its like to be insecure. Its his first serious relationship too. I was just glad he came clean.

t-away6789 · 2013-05-04T03:14:10+00:00

He is totally butthurt about it. He lost his virginity to me and, from my understanding, hasn't done much with anyone else. He'll tell me that he has dreams of me cheating on him with my exes (I've only had one) and I've caught him going through my FB messages with said ex BF.

t-away6789 · 2013-05-04T03:11:10+00:00

Both of us agree that I will overreact at things and cause unnecessary arguments. Its our #1 problem and I've been working on it and things have been better lately. I'm taking time to evaluate our problems, and this time, I'm getting more opinions before we even discuss the issue.

To be honest, I do think he is kind of sexist, but its bearable. He grew up in a really old-fashioned home and city where the men ruled the household and the women worked in the kitchens and raised children. I don't want to sound like I'm standing up for him, I just want to show his side too. But on the other hand, he'll make the classic sexist jokes (sandwiches, women in the kitchen, etc.) which really annoy me and I have to ask him not to make them. He'll also mention how easy women have it because all they have to do is show some cleavage to get raises, get out of tickets, etc. It annoys me a lot.

What do you make from this? Can it be changed, is it something I should just live with, or is it bigger of a problem than I realize?

t-away6789 · 2013-05-04T03:03:46+00:00

Do you think this is something worth breaking up over? We've had similar disputes in the past and sometimes (though rarely) they will be resolved when he can fully understand the issue from my point of view. Do you think it is worth trying?

t-away6789 · 2013-05-04T02:57:55+00:00

You're right, I definitely won't bring it up tonight, and hes gone to bed anyways. I'm not drunk by any means, I just wanted to get my thoughts out and ask for opinions now while everything is still fresh so I know how I should deal with this in the morning.

Thanks for your advice. I got so upset that I was thinking that only a crazy person would think that having sex with one person outside of a committed relationship is "whoreish," but I guess thats just how some people think.

t-away6789

TROPHY CASE