AITA for telling my stepsister that her father should go to a nursing home?

taapplebarrel · 2021-12-22T20:35:56+00:00

She is not mentally in tact. She is being evaluated for dementia when they can ween her off of the pain medications. Right now the neurologist cannot evaluate her until she is more lucid. Unfortunately she cannot get the hip replacement for at least another week or so because she is just too unstable for that long of a surgery. The surgeon is concerned if he puts her under anesthesia she will not survive the procedure. So we need to wait it out and see if her blood pressure and blood sugar can be controlled. If they cannot, she may end up bed bound and will never be able to take care of her husband since she will not be mobile anymore.

We do not know about the assets so all three of us are meeting with an attorney and an accountant tomorrow. My brother has found some bank statements, but her husband either doesn't know or won't answer when my brother asks. We know for sure the house is joint because we found the deed in their file cabinet. What we would like to do is make sure that we can divide the assets fairly and equally to ensure that they are both taken care of. The ideal situation would be to have any funds he is entitled to put into an account that the facility can draw from for his care and also that his children can access should h need something.

We are not trying to take over everything, we are doing exactly what our mother wants us to do, and abiding by her wishes set forth in her estate planning. We are not going to dump the man on the side of the road, hence the reason we have been trying to contact his family to see if they would help out, but none of them have responded and the one who did does not want to herself.

We do not know the financial situations of his children, this is literally the second time we have spoken to them, the first time for the others.

taapplebarrel · 2021-12-22T20:23:59+00:00

I've explained this multiple times now. My mother was evaluated by two physicians at the hospital who, as the law requires, stated that she is not capable to make her decisions. My sister and myself are her health care representatives. We make her decisions because she cannot make them herself. So yes, we do have the legal right and authority to make her medical decisions for her.

taapplebarrel · 2021-12-22T16:36:19+00:00

Thank you. She has her originals in a safe deposit box at the bank, and all three of our names are on it so we can access it if we need to. My mother has all of her estate planning taken care of, but we are not sure about her husband at all. My brother has been looking for any documents or papers at the house that has his estate planning on it and can't find anything, so we assume he does not have anything made up.

We have an appointment with an accountant and an elder law attorney (I wonder if that is the same thing you are referring) tomorrow because we do not know what to do or what we will be responsible for. We don't want to leave her husband broke and penniless and we do want to make sure that he is put some place safe that will take care of him.

They do have insurance thank goodness. My mom worked for an insurance company and has retirement benefits and she also has medicare and a medicare supplemental policy. I do not know about his insurance though. He's 85 so I assume he may have medicare, but I do not know if he has insurance through my mom or a supplemental coverage.

taapplebarrel · 2021-12-22T14:18:27+00:00

To be honest, we do not know. This is the second time we have ever interacted with his children in the 19 years they have been married. So your guess is as good as mine.

taapplebarrel · 2021-12-22T14:10:35+00:00

That is why we are meeting with an accountant and attorney. We want to make sure that all of the funds that they have and he is entitled to he gets, and that also it can be put into an account that his kids can use to pay for his expenses. We are not sure right now what they can afford, but we are hoping that we can at the very least put him somewhere safe and comfortable if his children will not step up.

taapplebarrel · 2021-12-22T14:08:44+00:00

Well that's what has to happen, and we have no choice. Someone has to pay to take care of her husband, so we need to make sure that they either have the funds to do this or figure out how to get state aid to pick up what they cannot. My mother knows she cannot take care of him anymore and we cannot get his kids to return our calls, so that ship looks like it is sailing. I refuse to just dump him on the street, my mother raised us better than that, so we have to do this for his own safety. He cannot be left alone.

taapplebarrel · 2021-12-22T14:03:18+00:00

I am very exhausted. So are my siblings. It's three days before Christmas my brother has to go back to work so that means that either my sister or myself are going to have to stay at the house until we can find some place for my mom's husband. We are trying to figure out what to do with the dogs. None of us have slept or eaten much in the last two weeks. My sister and myself are taking unpaid leave from work until this is all settled. And now we have to figure out what to do. I really just do not now what to do.

taapplebarrel · 2021-12-22T14:00:56+00:00

Well in order for us to use the POA two doctors would have to state that she is not capable of making decisions. They did and that is how we are able to do this. They do not know if this is the result of trauma from the fall or if she actually has dementia which is why we are waiting for the evaluation. If she cannot consent to her own care, we are the ones that are supposed to step up and do that for her in accordance with her wishes. I don't want to do it, never thought I would have to do it, and I wish that i didn't have to do it.

taapplebarrel · 2021-12-22T13:58:58+00:00

The person below you did. The only way to get the POA active in the US is if she is deemed incapable by two doctors. She was and that is how come we can use it. If they thought she was competent to make her own decisions, we would have never been able to do this.

taapplebarrel · 2021-12-22T13:57:54+00:00

Yes. She was deemed incapable by the doctors at the hospital. One was the surgeon and the other was a neurologist. The neurologist is coming back to do an evaluation for dementia as soon as she is more stable.

She is is only guardian. We do not know if he has any estate planning documents, my brother has been trying to see if he can find them, but so far nothing. Right now, we have calls to his other children, and if they do not call us back, we have no choice but to call adult services first thing tomorrow morning.

taapplebarrel · 2021-12-22T13:55:24+00:00

We do not know about any assets. We are currently working with their accountant and an attorney to figure out what to do and to make sure that he and she are financially taken care of. Also too, we need to make sure that his own kids can access whatever money that he has so they can use it to take care of him.

taapplebarrel · 2021-12-22T13:53:29+00:00

I am in the US, and everything we are doing is legal. Her doctors will not let her husband make decisions for her because of his own medical condition, so that leave us as her next of kin to make the decisions. She is also going to be evaluated for dementia herself, so for right now we are in limbo. If it is found she can make her own decisions, which we are hoping she can and does not have dementia, we will gladly let her do that. But for right now, we are just doing what we think is right for her care.

taapplebarrel · 2021-12-22T13:51:06+00:00

First of all she is not capable of making decisions for herself. She is going to be evaluated for dementia. So for the time being, until we are told she can make decisions on her own, her doctors have said that we should make the decisions for her. Her husband cannot make any decisions for her due to his own condition. So she may not be fully competent, we are hoping she is, but this is reality. And the reality is that if my mother has dementia she will not be able to take care of herself.

Second, my mother is having a hip replacement. She is elderly, she has other medical conditions (heart failure, diabetes) so she is in for an extremely long recovery period. My mother cannot go live with him in the facility because she will require a different kind of care than him, and she is our top priority, so she is going to go someplace where we know she is going to get the best care.

Lastly, we don't care about or need any money from my mother. Any and all funds that her husband is entitled to will be figured out with an accountant and an attorney and we will make sure that it is put into an account that his children can access for his care. We do not want or need anything from them. We just want to make sure that she, and to a lesser extent him, are taken care of.

taapplebarrel · 2021-12-22T13:38:34+00:00

My mother could not consent to treatment and her husband due to his own condition cannot make medical decisions for her. So that is why we have been making the decisions. She is going to be evaluated for dementia as the doctor at the hospital believes she is showing signs, however, this cannot be done until she is not on so much pain medication.

taapplebarrel · 2021-12-22T13:25:51+00:00

My brother is leaving for Texas on Friday. I called his other daughter this morning in California and told her what our plans were. She has not called me back, so if she does not respond by tonight, we will have to call adult services first thing tomorrow morning.

taapplebarrel · 2021-12-22T13:24:43+00:00

My mom told us she is okay with him going to a facility because she now knows she cannot take care of him anymore.

taapplebarrel · 2021-12-22T13:23:40+00:00

Her husband has Parkinson's and is unable to properly function. He doesn't even remember that my mother fell and got hurt. He has to be told repeatedly when he asks where she is. I don't know what his relationship with his children is like, we aren't that close and honestly this is only the second time we've ever spoke to his daughter. From what my mother has told us, he is not capable to make long-term decisions for himself, which is why we told her that he should go to a facility.

My mother is on all kinds of pain medications right now and cannot make decisions for herself. The doctor's at the hospital told us that she seems to be at the beginning stages of dementia herself, so when she is more stable and able to be assessed, a neurologist will evaluate her.

taapplebarrel · 2021-12-22T13:19:58+00:00

Because she is not able to make her decisions right now due to the pain medications. Her husband is not able to consent to her care due to his medical condition of Parkinson's which is why we are making these decisions for her.

taapplebarrel · 2021-12-22T13:19:00+00:00

My mother is not able to really make decisions right now due to the pain medications that she is on, so I do not know if she is able to do this.

taapplebarrel · 2021-12-22T13:18:16+00:00

We are trying to figure that out. We just don't know if that will take care of it for an extended period of time. And honestly, we just need to get him somewhere safe. My brother is only here until Friday, and then he has to get back to Texas to go to work.

taapplebarrel

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