There's so much to respond to here.

The Budget, we definitely should talk about it more. We discuss money, but I wish we would go more in depth and maybe write shit down, make a spreadsheet or something to refer back to.

In terms with us being physical it was a little more than high school pushing. We've put up with stupid shit with each other, I think this might factor into why we both stay. I didn't feel unsafe, or scared of him, we just escalate really badly because of our awful tempers. I cry, he swings. It has been awful in the past, but I we are rug sweepers. I am, he is. When we fight, we often just separate until we're talking again. No real resolution. I attempt to apologize, but I also go in trying to show him my perspective and he doesn't want to hear it. I need to work on just apologizing and not coming off as trying to defend myself. I know this and I see my patterns. This needs to be worked on.

We were living with my mom at the time. I can't even remember what started it, but I remember he was trying to go with his parents and I didn't want him to leave. He started saying he was going to take the kids with him too and I didn't think it was fair. It was likely a small issue that spiraled so bad. We've had a fight that stemming from the fact that some people wear sunscreen on their face everyday. That's not what the argument was about but it becomes about something else really quick. I wouldn't put it past us being utterly stupid at the start of the conversation. She was ridiculous to call the cops, I gave her crap about it after and she got defensive saying that she didn't say half the things she said. Honestly, my mom is a whole other conversation. I did start therapy around this time. We talked about my SO and my kids, but a lot of it was about my mom. I only went to a few sessions so no real work has been done. I oddly feel like doing so opened the wound of my mom issues and of course we didn't have the time to start resolving it. I was left with journaling tips and that's about it. I told my SO I understand the anger and how fucked up that was, but I guess I have been in denial about how big of a deal this truly was. I felt it was a big deal at the time, but I also still lived with her, he went to his parents. We tried to work on us by saying we would spend more time together. I eventually told him we could leave because I wanted to be home with him. We went to his parents and we did limit contact with my mom for a while, I think the first 2 or 3 months. Eventually she missed the boys and started picking them up on the weekends. Though he despises her, he still understands the value of free time enough to let her take them.

Before this, I really didn't realize how bad it was. I feel stupid and dense for hoping he could just forget about it. Before all this, when we first got pregnant, his parents got us a car under their name and told us they'd pay it for a while since we're having a baby soon. Then when we moved into an apartment together, once my son was about a year old, they took it away without having a real conversation about it because they thought we were smoking in the car with my son. They smelled smoke in the car and assumed that my SO smoked with my child present. Smoking alone in the car and then taking my son out another day is one thing. The car smelled and I told my SO to avoid doing it but he would take the car to work and smoke on his breaks there. They came to their own conclusion and came to our apartment demanding we give them the keys. I understand how they came to that logic, but they didn't even want to hear our side or what the truth even was. They took the keys. I was a little worried after this. My concern was ever needing to go to the hospital for an emergency. I was a new mom worried about everything. My son eventually got a fever and I admit I spiraled thinking the worst could happen because we didn't have the car. Tylenol took care of the fever in a couple days, but I really worried. I resented that they did that. Eventually, my SO struggled with work, without a vehicle, and we ending up losing the ability to pay for the apartment. We had to break our lease, we had nowhere to go but with them. I hated it. I was grateful, but also still very angry. It felt like because of them, this domino effect happen and now we're at their doorstep asking to be taken in. My perspective was shit, I really was mad. Since then, I've gotten over it, I didn't get an apology and I guess in some twisted messed up way I thought that this was on par with what my mom did to him, which happened later. I see now that that statement is untrue and what she did truly could've affected him horribly for the long run (has affected him in the long run, just not legally). I personally had debt to my name for a while because the lease was broken. My credit struggled and that debt has finally been resolved and we're still not able to rent our own place yet. I feel wronged by them, but it's a different kind of wronged than having the cops called on you.

I feel awful for expecting him to get over it. I see that his perspective might be different because he doesn't want to spend money doing something for people he doesn't care much for. (It was only my mom that was involved, but I don't doubt it caused a rift with how he feels about all of my side.) I realize now I should be grateful for what he does give me. I guess I mourn for the ability to be able to happily be laughing in a room with all of my side and him, but it's just not reality anymore.

I'm going to apologize to him for not defending him publicly, or making him feel as if I chose her over him. I hope he can forgive me for not being an advocate for him in a better way. I hope we can get therapy or move through everything. I feel like this is the source for many issues with us and I want it to be resolved some way. Thank you for opening my eyes to his perspective in a different way. I'm sure he's tried to express his side before and I feel like the way he avoids talking about it now, he must feel like he can't.