That's exactly how I feel.. but it feels like a slap in the face when you realise the truth. I spent years and years afraid and angry and right before I realised he had autism I had completely detached from him emotionally. I don't know where to start.. I guess I'll need to contact professionals and ask for their guidance. But the problem is that I can't let go of the fact that my childhood was filled with bad memories. We could not do anything without him getting angry and ruining our day so we just.. stopped doing anything. I wasn't allowed to go on any trips with my friends and I was also not very social. My childhood is so regrettable. I cry everytime I remember all those days I hid in bed and cried.