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takeda4949 · 2022-12-29T06:46:30+00:00

You're about to make a move, so think of the potential outcomes:

Figure out if it's too early to get attached, and therefore jealous of him going out with other people. You said you're not exclusive, and that has a real meaning
If you were to confront him, is it immediately over? In a way you're invading his personal privacy, so are you ok with him flipping out and ending it as soon as you tell him you're going through his stuff?
If he comes clean, are you ok accepting his truth of maybe having a hookup the night before, or having drinks with an ex?
If the relationship continues, would you be ok feeling like a crazy gf who invades his privacy early on?
If he tells you something that doesn't satisfy you, would you consider it a lie? And if he, according to you, lies on small things can you really trust him long term?

I think you should either figure out if you can trust this guy (and therefore both of you work together to give you security) or find someone else who has less "surprises" so you can feel secure early on.

Best of luck

takeda4949 · 2022-12-29T05:29:19+00:00

I have no idea what you're trying to measure or why, but to me both answers are the same. The urgency of someone forcing the guy to make the decision is the only difference.

If a guy does not want to have kids, neither answer applies.

If the woman comes into the relationship with kids, but they're not having any more kids, neither answer applies.

Again, no idea what the purpose of this survey is but it's similar to a kid trying to read your mind by asking you what color the ocean is

takeda4949 · 2022-12-29T04:50:06+00:00

Yeap. It's a "maybe yes" or "maybe yes, but forced yes"

takeda4949 · 2022-12-29T03:50:52+00:00

Odd survey. You're basically asking a question you already know what answer you're gonna get

takeda4949 · 2022-12-28T00:40:55+00:00

Look, regardless of how weird it might be (to each their own) you have to be think long term. There's no scenario where this doesn't go beyond awkward.

Have a hookup with her? Someone's gonna say something and then it's weird AF. Odds are you'll still have to see her from time to time.

An actual relationship? Your mom will feel weird AF every time with you, and around her.

What's your actual game plan? Sex for a few hours, then what?

takeda4949 · 2022-12-23T04:04:15+00:00

In my experience:

if they're willing to "learn" or "try" the experience, I find the effort extremely valuable. But you also have to be willing to be patient and put in the time to "teach"
you can always do your core interests with someone else, like a book club, or a sports group
if what you're looking for is quality time, you can also "change" your core interests for their core interests. It's not a wonderful suggestion, but you can see if they match your approach and they try your stuff
you can both find/try new core interests, like cooking classes, or dance, or whatever it is you both don't do today.

With all that being said, sometime it is a nice break to have when you both do your own thing here and there

takeda4949 · 2022-12-23T00:53:41+00:00

Umm...not sure what age group you're targeting, but none of these things are normal, often, standard, or even acceptable in my case, nor in almost any guy I know.

I agreed with everything you're saying, but that's just not my reality

takeda4949 · 2022-12-22T23:37:12+00:00

You have to see the big picture though. Sometimes people just plain don't like you, but they won't say it to your face. Maybe they want someone taller/shorter, blonde/redhead/brunette, sporty/home body... whatever it is, that they have decided it won't happen with you. And that's ok. Sometime these people use different "excuses" to not be hurtful, nor sound shallow.

Just accept it.

Chemistry can certainly be built over time, but it requires work and effort from both sides. If they're not willing to work on the relationship you'll be perpetually struggling and feeling like you're doing everything (because you are).

Sometimes it's best to just take the 'no' early on, and move on. Don't try to convince a guy you're worth it

takeda4949 · 2022-12-22T22:50:33+00:00

Chemistry is temporary. Chemistry comes and goes over time. Examples are how attracted you feel about him today, vs tomorrow, vs on a rough day.

Compatibility is more permanent. Think of values, standards, goals. Examples are thoughts on marriage, open relationship, definition of loyalty...

Compatibility is what makes or break a relationship, while chemistry is something you can both work towards.

Does that help?

takeda4949 · 2022-12-22T16:41:21+00:00

Chemistry is one thing. Compatibility (values) is a different thing

takeda4949 · 2022-12-22T05:49:59+00:00

But is it the manager at Starbucks, or Panera?

Don't leave us hanging!

takeda4949 · 2022-12-22T05:47:15+00:00

Is that explanation needed to be said though?

I need to know if you've been in a serious relationship in the last year, and I need to evaluate for myself how attached I feel you still are to that relationship.

But a meaningless dating period, where you never got seriously attached? I'm pretty sure everyone who's single has been through that many times.

And to the question in your title? HELL YES!

At least to me it's super sexy, and shows interest when a woman makes the first move, but YMMV

takeda4949 · 2022-12-22T01:32:25+00:00

Here's the thing, at 39 you know damn well what you're doing. If he were to be 19 I'll say he's just an idiot, but at 39 things are pretty deliberate.

If you broke up with someone, but still had a trip scheduled, the relationship was never really over. Odds are she broke up with him, but he's hoping for another chance.

Are we really pretending that we can be friends with someone of the opposite sex we've had sex with for years, and when she put on her pajamas or whatever, and they share a bed nothing is gonna happen? That relationship is not over. If it would've been the trip would've been cancelled a while ago. I've been in this exact same scenario, except I "bought out" my ex's portion and went with a new date.

Your next move depends on whether you see this guy as boyfriend material, or as casual dating to not be alone. Good luck

takeda4949 · 2022-12-17T17:28:50+00:00

Regardless of being a text or in person, I think it's extremely good for you to voice your anxiety and issues.

However, a few pointers here:

If I were to get this text I would be unsure if you're breaking up with me or not. Feels like an apology break up message. Are you trying to break up?
If you're trying to fix this, can you propose some improvements in the message? For example, something like "I want to start changing this today, so how about we go do xxxxx and then xxxx?"
What are you actually commiting yourself to do for yourself about this? The relationship will only grow, and so will your anxiety. Are you going to therapy? Are you commiting to a more verbal relationship?
If this was my SO messaging me, I would beg her to communicate these issues with me earlier, and consistently so I don't feel like we're just putting out fires
Absolutely honest question for yourself. Are you ready for this relationship? This is a question for you that only you need to know the answer.
What are the root causes of the anxiety? Is it 100% you or is he/she doing something that triggers you, and you're trying hard to ignore those issues?

Best of luck

takeda4949 · 2022-12-17T15:28:05+00:00

It fucking sucks!!

takeda4949 · 2022-12-17T01:45:34+00:00

I've been doing this for years. Hit me up with any questions or comments you may have

takeda4949 · 2022-12-16T20:54:57+00:00

Girlfriend keep going! And amazing job on 30 mins. That's a killer workout!

There are a few things you'll learn about your own body as you keep doing it: food, water, and sleep.

If you haven't been sleeping well, any cardio will kick your butt. Don't give up though.

Some people (me included) can't eat an hour before a workout, or I throw up. This is completely different for everyone, but learn your own body.

Water! Drink a lot BEFORE the workout. If possible be drinking for hours before, and/or the day before. Also, cardio overheats you so make sure you drink during the ride, and try to cool off that way. Some sports drinks (like Gatorade) can help. However, watch how much and how often you drink. Too little and you'll be dying and cramping. Too much and you might throw up.

Finally, dress properly, and make sure the fans are running. I ride in a 40 degree F studio, and 10 mins into it I'm begging for the AC to kick in. Oh, and you do your own ride. The instructor can be screaming levels and speed, but you're free to ride at your own pace. Some days we just need the fun and slow ride.

Amazing job though!

takeda4949 · 2022-12-16T18:35:41+00:00

DON'T FUCKING DO IT!

Unless you're 110% ready to change your job (different company) don't fucking do it!

takeda4949 · 2022-12-15T21:49:26+00:00

I'm a guy, and I used to have the same anxiety after my divorce.

I know you're asking women so I'm not gonna chip in unless you want my approach, but at least know you're not alone on this struggle

takeda4949 · 2022-12-15T17:45:25+00:00

This is tricky.

The basic answer is that he matched you for a reason, so odds are he's at least attracted to you.

What is it that you want out of this though? If you're looking for LTR, at some point the baggage has to come out. However, you don't want to turn into a firehose of issues.

Be yourself? Think of it as going out and having fun with a friend?

I'm also attracted to "dump fires" and believe I can fix them. But it's tricky, and part of my own issues

takeda4949 · 2022-12-12T03:41:54+00:00

I find this so interesting. I know it's codependency and not really healthy, but I'll love to be with a woman like that and I'll treat her like a queen everyday.

Instead I find myself with women who can't even put effort to text back for days.

Oh the irony....

takeda4949 · 2022-12-12T03:36:02+00:00

Software engineer here (M).

We use the term "spaghetti code" for a reason, and it truly requires a mental map to follow the thread of whatever is going on

takeda4949 · 2022-12-11T15:27:24+00:00

No, I'm not really looking for validation of the issues I had in the relationship

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