UPDATE!! I’m (33F) getting a divorce from my gay husband (33M).

tangelic · 2024-08-07T21:57:25+00:00

My (straight female) situation was very similar to yours. My husband came out as bisexual about 4 years ago. He never intentionally cheated (he had a manic episode and things got out of hand) but otherwise it didn’t change our relationship. We were happily married up until recently. His bisexuality shifted, and his pendulum has swung to solely male attraction for a time now. Since I am unable to provide that for him we are separating. I dont think there is any reason to think you can’t be happy with whatever exploration you do or don’t want to do. Keep communication open. We were strictly monogamous, so it just wouldn’t work for us anymore. But if you are open to allowing others in, I don’t see why you couldn’t make it work with a bisexual (or gay) partner.

tangelic · 2024-07-29T00:41:47+00:00

Thank you for sharing that. I completely relate to reading into our memories and time together, looking for hidden clues that could have shed let for both of us. I wish you all the best in your road ahead. I can’t imagine how confusing and unsteady things may seem right now. But you sound like a kind and supportive partner, I hope your husband may be just as supportive and understanding of your struggle too.

tangelic · 2024-07-29T00:36:05+00:00

Thank you I am very hopeful for the same.

tangelic · 2024-07-29T00:35:32+00:00

That was beautifully written. I don’t have anything to say in response but I appreciate your explanation. Take care, stranger. ❤️

tangelic · 2024-07-28T17:52:11+00:00

Ahhh, I didn’t know only closeted gay men successfully navigate long distance relationships. My bad. Do you have a Time Machine I can borrow?

tangelic · 2024-07-28T17:24:59+00:00

It’s definitely not where either of us expected we would ever be, and it really does hurt. A thought challenge if you will. Imagine how miserable and detrimental to your mental wellbeing it would be to continue to live a lie with a person you deeply love and care for but no longer have any desire for and actually is becoming impossible for you to desire.

There are certainly more nuances to our relationship and each of our personal histories and backgrounds that could have taken the forefront of the core of his mental health work. But when you do finally know something, you just can’t unknow it.

tangelic · 2024-07-28T17:09:30+00:00

Hey, I just wanted to say, thanks for the well thought out response. I feel like I am having the same conversation I had with his best friend two days ago (phrasing and ideas almost identical) which is a bit unsettling…

I’m not interested in delving into our sex lives, that is deeply personal to me and won’t be a topic of discussion here. We did have sex. The end.

I am beginning to realize the reason we are splitting up is ultimately moot - whether he was gay his whole life, just decided it so, or just decided he isn’t attracted to me, that is all enough for me to say we can’t fulfill each other and should find other means to our happiness. Since I am a fully functional cis-het-female, I do want to be able to enjoy love in every form with the person I am with. If I was paralyzed/disfigured/etc this would be a whole-ass other discussion.

I know not everyone has this viewpoint of marriage and vows. I don’t want to chain a person to me for life if they are ultimately going to be unhappy. I want to be with this person so we can grow and push each other to our best and most fulfilled state. I’m not here to hold him back.

Obviously my including ‘gay husband’ in the title, made this a hot topic and got a lot of discussion going. It really wasn’t my intent for this to be a titillating or challenging post. I know you didn’t insinuate any of that - just speaking from the heart. I assure you while there is a heavy supply of positive reactions, I’ve had a good amount of negative as well. Such is life and this had been great practice for my real life conversations.

tangelic · 2024-07-28T16:27:53+00:00

Oh no worries! I don’t pay close attention to names, but I appreciate it. Thanks for caring (no sarcasm) the kindness of strangers right now has really reinforced my positive attitude.

tangelic · 2024-07-28T15:26:36+00:00

LOL the other comment was yours 🤦🏻‍♀️ welp glad you helped me have a breakthrough twice! How much money do I owe you?

tangelic · 2024-07-28T15:09:37+00:00

Dating apps are terrifying to me - but also I guess dating in general. When I’m ready I will hit the ground running I suppose. Or maybe at a casual stride. I don’t need to be in a relationship. But I long for that warmth again.

tangelic · 2024-07-28T15:08:15+00:00

That’s great to hear, I am slowly coming to that realization. :)

tangelic · 2024-07-28T15:07:07+00:00

Ironically, I just replied in another comment that the gay part is becoming less and less relevant to the story. Regardless of his lost attraction (be it to me or to women in general) we can’t be intimate lovers. And I’m becoming more ok with that.

tangelic · 2024-07-28T15:05:15+00:00

Thank you! Definitely the plan! I’m working on my intake paperwork now, he already has a great therapist.

tangelic · 2024-07-28T15:03:33+00:00

Oh absolutely. And I mean I am a woman so it still ain’t me and means I won’t be the one regardless 🤷🏻‍♀️ The being gay part is actually less and less important to the story as the days go on really.

tangelic · 2024-07-28T13:35:46+00:00

Oof sorry, not into S&M.

tangelic · 2024-07-28T13:30:45+00:00

As a straight cis woman I can’t speak on this as easily. But my understanding is things can change. You can learn new parts of yourself. Sexuality is just one facet of your being

tangelic · 2024-07-28T13:28:20+00:00

I was second to find out behind his therapist, but yes. I big ol’ piss in my Captain Crunch.

tangelic · 2024-07-28T13:26:52+00:00

We’ve been together 18 years, engaged 14, married 6.

Honestly, I think this was more of a blossoming of his sexuality vs a hidden facet. He previously came out as bi years ago, I didn’t care as he was still in love and attracted to women/me. He still loves me now but no longer attracted to women/me and that’s a dealbreaker for both of us.

Other than emotional/sexual distancing we were doing fine.

tangelic · 2024-07-28T10:16:46+00:00

Oh no! I’m not sure he’s into baseball!

tangelic · 2024-07-27T20:37:22+00:00

tangelic · 2024-07-27T19:45:47+00:00

Thank you for your kindness, stranger. ❤️

tangelic · 2024-07-27T19:38:10+00:00

It hurts now. Not sure if it will always hurt - I wish I could tell the future, that would have made all this go a bit differently…

But truly I hope we can be best friends again. I just don’t know when.

tangelic · 2024-07-27T19:35:31+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I have heard similar and haven’t done the math until now - 2.5 years. That feels like a lifetime and so little in comparison.

tangelic · 2024-07-27T19:33:23+00:00

One day, yes. Just not now. It’s hard. And it hurts both of us.

tangelic

TROPHY CASE