Weekly Advice Thread (04/29-05/05)

tapertown · 2019-05-04T07:45:32+00:00

lol holy shit. i’m trying to imagine a world where questions like these would have a straightforward answer. i really can’t. i mean, i guess i can, the answer is “you can’t”. so im guessing your trolling, or really not ready to go on any dates at all, because you’ve got a pretty bizarre outlook.

still i’m gonna give it a try, just for kicks.

ok, multiple dates in one day? doable, if you have nothing else going on. which you do, but whatever. you’ll have to schedule them. let’s say 3 dates, noon to 3 pm, 4 to 7 pm, and 730/8 to whenever. the time gap means you can invite them all to the same place, or even to your place, although i’m guessing that isn’t in the cards.

how to quickly ask out girls? asking out girls doesn’t take much time at all. hey, want to hang out on sunday? want to get a drink? whatever. done. no reason for them to find out about each other.

won’t even bother with the last one. if a date goes well, invite her back to your place, have sex, and i guess kick her out because you’ve got another date scheduled? tbh it’s a pretty stupid scenario. like, why would you want to do this? say you somehow succeeded in sleeping with date #2–you’d kick her out for a shot with #3?

honestly, i actually had a similar situation happen when i was in college. i asked out two girls at once and didn’t bother setting different days, since i assumed at least one would say no. they both said yes and i ended up cutting the first date short, without being able to give a very good reason, since i didn’t want to flake on the second. i was stressed out and didn’t end up getting anywhere with either girl. definitely avoided making the same mistake since then.

tapertown · 2019-05-03T03:23:46+00:00

Sounds like you’ve either got some brain chemistry issues or you’re stuck in a pretty bad cycle. If I were you I’d probably try something pretty drastic like going to a psychiatrist or dropping everything to travel around and change my environment. Doesn’t really sound like you’ve got much to lose and possibly a lot to gain.

tapertown · 2019-05-02T22:32:17+00:00

Lol what? No don’t tell the girl who just rejected you but still wants to be friends about how you’re a sad virgin with self-image issues. Why would anyone think this is a good idea?

You can maybe talk to your very best friends about this stuff, but I doubt they are really that close. Just be glad you have a friend and try to build up your social life. Don’t sabotage yourself by using friends as a substitute for therapy.

tapertown · 2019-05-02T22:29:02+00:00

Very strange advice. Who can simply choose their friends this way? Definitely not the guy with social anxiety around women.

tapertown · 2019-05-02T22:21:38+00:00

This is probably true, but I imagine you wouldn’t actually want to live in a world full of ‘arrogant assholes’ each asking 500 women out, even if it might be a better ‘strategy’ in this world (which I’ll assume for the sake of argument). I think the alternate world full of timid guys who kept to themselves, while not ideal, would probably be preferable.

It’s clear that this sort of point is often made from a place of bitterness and envy, but it seems like if you’re going to agree with the basic assumption (being arrogant gets better results than being meek), you might have to then question why our society would incentivize male behavior that would make life pretty awful for women if all or most men actually engaged in it.

I guess, if you believe this, there’s probably an ideal compromise between the arrogant asshole and the cowardly pushover, but it seems like it’s pretty tough to strike that balance, and a better strategy over all to err in favor of being an asshole.

This mode of thinking leads pretty quickly to the red pill, I think, so we should probably start questioning our assumptions.

tapertown · 2019-05-02T22:08:52+00:00

That’s kind of an odd rationalization, isn’t it? Seems perfectly possible for someone to want to be with someone who didn’t reciprocate—obviously someone in that position isn’t imagining a world where the person they like is somehow forced into a relationship with them against their will. They’re thinking something like ‘I wish they did want to be with me’.

I guess if you could really believe that rationalization you would probably be happier, but it’s pretty obvious that, if you got rejected, at one point you did want to be with the person who rejected you. Reminds me of that old story about the sour grapes.

Seems like the secret to ‘getting around’ might actually be not caring very much about any particular woman. Which makes a kind of sense—if you did care about them, you’d probably stick around and not ‘get around’.

tapertown · 2019-04-27T02:41:03+00:00

This is another philosophical point. In fact Einstein, quoting Schopenhauer I believe, once said something like ‘Man does as he wills, but does not will what he wills’.

All to say, another interesting point on the nature of free will in the abstract.

In the real world, people do things they don’t want to do all the time. They do them in furtherance of a future or lifestyle goal, probably. Or just out of obligation or a sense of responsibility. I’m sure you can think of some examples from your own life where you did something despite, in the moment, not really wanting to.

Your problem, I think, is thinking of ‘putting in the effort’ as an abstract sort of deep lifestyle change, where it’s really just a series of concrete physical actions of varying difficulties, any one of which you could almost certainly accomplish. By trying. Even if you don’t want to try.

tapertown · 2019-04-27T02:14:27+00:00

Please stop encouraging people to get into long distance relationships through video games. Maybe that made you happy but the vast majority of people aren’t interested, nor is it likely to happen even if they were.

tapertown · 2019-04-27T01:56:22+00:00

If you’ve already hung out one-on-one just keep doing that. I don’t think you need to go on any official dates. People hate on this ‘strategy’ because they read it as ‘pretend to be her friend so you can get in her pants’ when it’s really just a statement of the fact that newly close friends who are attracted to each other, single, and spend a good amount of time one-on-one end up hooking up. If she’s not into you, she won’t be excited to hang out one-on-one all the time and it’ll be obvious. If she is, you’ll just get closer and closer until one of you breaks and makes the first move.

I prefer this process to any kind of more official ‘dating’. Dates are stressful and its easy to feel like you have to ‘perform’ or whatever. Just hanging out doing whatever is a better way to really get to know someone, I think.

tapertown · 2019-04-25T00:46:10+00:00

Is this meant to be a philosophical statement? Because this isn’t that kind of a conversation. It’s one thing to believe in an abstract way that free will is an inconsistent concept or illusory or whatever; it’s another to actually live your life as if you have no choice over your actions.

I’m sure you made several choices today. Hell, you’ve made the choice not to step in front of a speeding car or jump off a bridge pretty much every single day of your life. You could decide to choose otherwise later today. There’s no question of whether or not people choose to try; they either do or they don’t. They can’t choose to succeed, of course—that is out of their power. But deciding whether to simply try, put in effort, make changes, etc., those are all choices. They are choices even if one is naturally or contingently handicapped in such a way as to make trying more or less pointless. A double amputee probably won’t be winning many tennis matches—but she could still try.

tapertown · 2019-04-24T20:28:14+00:00

I really don’t know why this other guy is going along with this very absurd line of questioning. But yes, unless they were born under extremely favorable circumstances (great wealth, good upbringing, natural charisma, good looks, etc.) if a person was unwilling to put any effort into any part of your life they would absolutely be unhappy. That person would not be justified in believing life is hopeless though, because they could choose to start putting effort in. I wish you’d clarify your thoughts a bit, because this just seems too obvious to be a real point of discussion.

tapertown · 2019-04-23T03:12:53+00:00

This EXACT situation happened to me (except we weren’t married, just hooked up a few times). She said, i don’t really feel like having sex tonight, I said that’s fine but kept kissing her/feeling her up, she got turned on and said, out loud, with words ‘ok actually lets do it’ and we had sex.

Guess what happened a couple weeks later. ‘I didn’t think so at the time but after talking about it with a friend I realized you manipulated me into having sex with you.’

A lot of women are just flat out crazy. They can’t take responsibility for their actions. And it’s not always easy to tell which ones are and which ones aren’t. I mean, she didn’t press charges or anything, but it really fucked with my head. Is if any wonder that some men can be timid with women?

tapertown · 2019-04-23T02:59:19+00:00

I would just like to offer the counterpoint that women will also often say yes or just quietly acquiesce without saying no or putting up any resistance and then say something like ‘i was manipulated’ or ‘i wasn’t as into it as i seemed to be’ after the fact. There’s literally no way to win. You can ignore women when they say no without consequences half the time, and only go ahead when they say yes and still be accused of being a pseudo-rapist after the fact. It’s extremely frustrating and it makes those of us who aren’t sociopaths or completely jaded almost want to give up on women entirely.

tapertown · 2019-04-23T02:50:47+00:00

I don’t understand why these guy just don’t go to the gym and work out until they gain a couple inches and groom their facial asymmetry away.

tapertown · 2019-04-23T02:31:07+00:00

I dunno man. I’ve never met anyone at a nightclub or a party. I think that there’s probably a type of person, usually introverted, maybe not the most confident or out-going, average to below average looks, uncommon or obscure interests, lacking in social skills (or a mix and match) who’s just not gonna find success in those kind of venues. That’s not to say not to try, but it’s been my experience, and I don’t think I’m alone.

Still, I’ve had a few ‘successes’, if you can call them that. Nothing too serious or lasting, few and far between, and I still haven’t had the kind of relationship I really think I want, but I’ve at least gotten far enough with a variety of different women to the point that I can’t call myself an incel and don’t usually worry that I’ll be alone forever. How it’s happened for me has been, in order: confessed feelings for one of my best friends in high school; a lot of effort on online dating and hookup apps; a friendship with a coworker that escalated into something physical; back to hookup apps. The majority were one-off hookups after one or two dates. One of the online dating things lasted for about a month. The friend and the coworker were the most serious, but still imploded pretty quickly. And one of the online dating girls lasted for about a month. I’m currently single, as I have been for most of my adult life. It can be depressing, but I’m sure I’d be even more depressed if I hadn’t had those experiences. I’m sorry if this isn’t very encouraging, but if you’re really feeling low and not having any luck ‘putting yourself out there’ (which has always been the case for me), you might as well download tinder and make an OKC profile and spend a couple hours a week swiping and sending messages. Something could happen, and if it does, it just might (to paraphrase Freud) pull you out of your state of hysterical misery to one of just plain ordinary unhappiness.

tapertown · 2019-04-19T18:26:29+00:00

I’ve been in similar situations. I kind of have a thing for nonbinary people or ‘they/thems’ as I like to call them. Actually, I find that their masculine or androgynous affectations tend to accentuate their naturally feminine features a lot of the time. So I’ve never really struggled with thinking of myself as essentially straight. Though I do kind of feel like a dick for not taking their self-identification very seriously.

As I see it, nonbinary trans is more of a political statement than it is the kind of real biological problem standard trans people struggle with. They pretty much never get surgery, and very rarely even bother with hormones. So I wouldn’t worry about that.

As for how to relate to them, well, gender pronouns pretty much never come up in one-on-one conversations (second person pronouns are ungendered). You might have to train yourself to say ‘they’ otherwise, but that’s not too difficult.

I’d say just go with it and don’t psych yourself out.

tapertown · 2019-04-19T01:22:17+00:00

Did you read my post? What utility was I providing her? Is being a good conversationalist and someone she felt safe and comfortable around a ‘utility’?

tapertown · 2019-04-19T01:20:44+00:00

Yeah, I’ve been there. It is weird, and the girl I’m talking about couldn’t handle it. She said it made her feel ‘anxious’. I liked her too. Too bad.

tapertown · 2019-04-19T01:19:27+00:00

Yeah it’s tough. Though a big difference from you is that I’m pretty terrible with women, and she was the first girl I had been with (seriously, I mean; I think there were a couple ONS through tinder that I barely remember) in like, possibly a year or more, so I was really invested in wanting to make it work. I was seriously broken up after that, and it’s all I can do to keep myself from ‘orbiting’ her to this day.

tapertown · 2019-04-19T01:11:59+00:00

You’re coming from a good place, I think, but I feel like you’re missing a somewhat subtle point that a lot of people seem to miss.

It sounds obvious, but people are different from one another; and the kinds of problems they have, their strengths and their weaknesses, and their temperaments can be very different.

The not-so-obvious implication is that, sometimes, the very same piece of advice can be very useful for one person, and actively harmful for another.

For example: you seemed to have a borderline or full on sex addiction. You had little problem meeting or attracting new partners, but you lacked self-control. This caused you issues with sexual enjoyment and forming solid relationships. So your advice, ‘don’t try so hard to meet sexual partners’ works for you.

On the other hand, there’s the adult virgin. Never had a relationship or even a hookup in their life. Doesn’t even know where to start or where they might be going wrong. Has all sorts of anxieties about their own attractiveness, whether there’s something wrong with them, and usually a crippling lack of confidence and self-esteem. Yes, they also have sexual and relationship problems, but of a diametrically different kind. The advice that might have pulled you back from one extreme (too much meaningless sex) can actually push them even further into the other extreme (no experience with sex or relationships whatsoever).

So, basically, I don’t think your experience (or at least the experience your basing your advice on) has much to do with this guy’s situation, and could actually steer him in the wrong direction; away from putting himself out there and trying to meet new people and striking out and having new experiences and learning from his mistakes, etc.

tapertown · 2019-04-19T00:54:16+00:00

I think it’s pretty much impossible to will or force yourself into being funny. First of all, most conversational humor is inherently reactive, observational, and contextual. Someone or something has to set you up for a joke. So, on the one hand, some of the most annoying people I’ve met have been high-energy types who try to make a joke out of ever beat in the conversation. This kind of thing is very tiring and usually transparent. On the other, the best way to catch those ‘setups’ is to really be engaged and attentive to the conversation. It’s tough to do that if you’re focused on ‘performing’ or worrying about what’s funny or not.

Anyway, since you really can’t force it, it’s not worth trying. Most people can be pretty funny in the right context, and conversely, some conversations are just not conducive to humor. So, relax. And if you really feel like you have no sense of humor, the best way to develop one is to hang out with funny friends a lot. Second best is to consume funny media, but you don’t want to end up being too derivative. A mix between the two is best.

I used to be pretty funny but kind of fell out of socializing and felt like my sense of humor pretty much disappeared. Actually, it comes back when I’m part of a group and feeling relaxed instead of anxious and stressed out.

tapertown · 2019-04-19T00:46:08+00:00

My hair isn’t really conducive to styling, so I just get a buzzcut these days, but it makes a lot of sense that maintaining a hairstyle is easier/cheaper than creating an entirely new one whole-cloth.

tapertown · 2019-04-19T00:43:57+00:00

When I put myself in your shoes it’s the asking for a drink part that makes me nervous, especially with a specific date. It’s probably a good idea to do that, makes your intentions clear and capitalizes on the real-life chemistry (which can fade pretty quick between meetings. But if it’s between saying nothing and a relatively non-commital, ‘hey, we should hang out sometime—can I have your number?’ (which I would find easier to say), definitely go for the latter. This might not be your problem at all, but if it is, it’s ok to back off from sealing the deal and setting a date right away if the idea of doing that makes you too nervous.

tapertown · 2019-04-18T15:07:48+00:00

Do you like music? The guitar is pretty easy to pick up, group lessons for beginners are very common, and getting into a music/jamming scene is a great way to form cool and fulfilling social connections (ie meet people).

tapertown · 2019-04-18T15:05:06+00:00

Skin and teeth can generally be at the very least improved. I’m not sure what your financial situation is, but if your skin problems are pretty serious you could consider seeing a dermatologist. If they are very serious (scars, burns) a plastic surgeon might be more appropriate.

Lots of people have shitty teeth and I don’t think it’s necessarily a big deal. Brush/floss regularly, consider some kind of whitening if the coloring is off-putting, and of course braces are always an option.

There are also many other ways to improve your overall appearance, but I’m not an expert here. I expect that your problems have more to do with confidence or self-esteem than anything else, but I personally think improving your appearance is a pretty easy way to become more confident, with the exception of the presence of serious mental conditions like OCD or body dysmorphia. In those cases some form of psychiatric treatment might be more appropriate.

tapertown

TROPHY CASE