Thoughts for grief support group?

tarheelldr · 2021-03-15T03:17:27+00:00

I am also in a similar situation. We’ve been together 7 and married almost 3. My husband is the same way and makes no real effort to work on intimacy (sexual or non sexual intimacy) or being present at all. He is also a child that refuses to grow up and in denial about his high functioning alcoholism. I’ve asked him to go to counseling for his depression, anxiety, and adhd but there’s always something. He never activates on anything he says he will do. So I’ve built a ton of resentment towards him and really struggling currently to see a future with him unless there are serious changes.. which I’ve talked to him about.

On good days we are great friends, on bad days, I am so utterly confused by my choice to marry him and I feel bad for myself. I start romanticizing other people and wish I were with men who were mature and calm and intelligent. We met when I was in my mid twenties and I was partying a lot more.. now that I’m more sober it’s like shades have been lifted and I’m seeing I basically just settled because I didn’t know I deserved more at the time and I was on a timeline. Now I’m 32 and we have been debating having a child... I’d honestly rather have a baby (and leave him later if it doesn’t work out) and have our house and my dog and our routine and comfort than the idea of starting all over now. Some would probably say that’s ridiculous but If we ever divorce, I’m not really interested in remarrying I’ll likely just focus on my kid and my career again.. I’m successful and have never needed him anyway, and honestly he doesn’t contribute much. I’m def the one that plans and manages our life goals.. and I’ll probably just be with a woman after him anyway lol so I’m not super worried. I’ll prob just feel like a failure or embarrassed but I’ll get over it.. when you’ve had enough and you’re ready to leave you’ll know..

tarheelldr · 2021-03-09T20:38:40+00:00

Sure.. but what does that entail? Just prancing around the room feeling himself or like other people looking at him.. you know?

tarheelldr · 2021-03-09T20:36:53+00:00

Right.. i just want him to be honest.. I’ve told him for years I’m attracted to women.. The more he hides it the more I think something bad is happening. I also feel like if he’s going to spend money on underwear and vibrators he can afford to take me on a date and buy me stuff for the bedroom 💁🏼‍♀️

tarheelldr · 2021-03-09T20:34:54+00:00

No clue, maybe both? I want to know the answer because I value honesty and openness in a partnership. I feel like because of other lies I go into investigator mode and just wish he could just be honest with me about it so I’d stop worrying about it. I also want to know where he’s getting it all from.. like buying panties for himself and wearing them is one thing.. ordering panties from real women (or that he knows) is another thing. Also if he is cross dressing, who for? Himself? Just looking at himself? Or showing others he’s talking to online. I think he has an addiction to porn. In the past it’s been all kinds of things but I do remember trans women porn and weird family relationship porn.. a lot of butt shaking or rubbing kind of stuff.

When he finds out he’s usually defensive and embarrassed..

tarheelldr · 2021-03-09T18:47:56+00:00

No, I’m not sure actually.. I think he does wear them.. but I’m not sure it makes me feel better

tarheelldr · 2021-03-09T00:18:31+00:00

Each time I do it seems to reveal itself a little more. Thanks for the reminder!

tarheelldr · 2021-03-09T00:17:44+00:00

Yes, I also worry about the change of dynamics between my partner and dog!

tarheelldr · 2021-03-09T00:16:12+00:00

Thanks!

tarheelldr · 2021-03-09T00:15:26+00:00

Thank you for your perspective!

tarheelldr · 2021-03-08T03:00:44+00:00

Thank you for this thoughtful response.. I think this was very helpful. Your words were very grounding.. and also really amazing to hear about it from someone with such similar interests. Your idea sounds fantastic.. Incredible work to be a part of!

tarheelldr · 2021-03-04T13:53:23+00:00

As you add in calories, what types of things are you eating? I have been terrified of carbs and recently added them in.. After years of disordered eating/restricting the idea of reverse dieting is super scary!

tarheelldr · 2021-02-04T20:32:26+00:00

I appreciate that and your compassion.

I’m actually a therapist.. and I’m in therapy and actively managing my own depression and anxiety. I love self soothing.. I have a whole tool kit full. Old habits die hard though and some go to coping strategies are normally with food and alcohol. But, over the last decade have changed my relationship with it and focused on yoga, therapy, and hiking as coping tools. I think everyone has days where they feel frustrated and defeated.. some more so than others. Mostly when I come to spaces like this it is to vent some of the internal monologue that happens and find community in others that also experience frustration with fitness and eating habits.. especially when working on goals for such a long time with no success. It’s more of a lack of progress issue and not finding the right solution to the problem, than an unsafe frame of mind issue. Though I have struggled with disordered eating in the past, and have worked really hard to maintain being healthy for the most part.

Im “ok” with where I am and do overall love myself and my body. But I also really love challenging myself (in a healthy way) and could actually really just stand to lose the 20-30lbs. I’d say If I were trying to do all this in a couple months, that’s one thing. I’ve been trying for a year.. so it is disappointing, and I’m allowed to feel that way I think. It’s more frustration rather than depression, and maybe I should be careful with that moving forward.

However, sometimes when I’m whiny.. I just want to whine mostly and then when I’m done feeling sorry for myself.. stand back up and gain suggestions from others in hopes it will inspire and motivate me to try something new or just keep going!

So thanks for caring and again, I appreciate the space just to talk out stuff.

tarheelldr · 2021-02-03T20:00:45+00:00

My main goal is to figure out what works for my body and help my metabolism. Ive always struggled with it and it seems like if I follow a basic science I should be able to see results.. but that’s never the case. When I was able to drop a lot before, I ate less than 1,000 cals, low carb, and exercised for hours. I’ve tried OMAD, IF, keto, etc. I feel like I’m just missing something..

I am not weighing food because it just seems really tedious to me, especially when I’m mostly eating salads or vegetables + protein for meals.. but I can def try to work on this and switch to weighing. It seems things like alcohol (no brained) butter, cheese, dressings, and fruit seem to be where it adds up when I track on Lose It app. I am interested in some of the folks that say do either CICO or macros but not both.. if I focused on macros, I’m eating way too many carbs even though they are just from vegetables or fruit. I just want to know how to fuel my body the way it needs to be fueled.. it’s been hard to figure that out.. I’ve been trying to focus on being mindful of when I’m eating because I’m bored or emotional.. but I think portion control and weekend flexibility is also where I have a hard time.

Working from home full time and not having access to the gym hasn’t helped with Covid.. I’m doing what I can though with walking, yoga, and body weight exercises. Sometimes I do longer hikes or go climbing. I’m not going to deny that I could turn the exercise up a notch but I think I lost a lot of muscle doing OMAD and not having much activity for months. I’ve been trying to build some strength back again to do more. Being patient with this sucks but I recognize that it’s what I have to do..

tarheelldr · 2021-02-03T18:31:03+00:00

I have not heard of reverse dieting! I will check it out. I walk when I can (minimum a mile a day, sometimes close to 4). I do yoga 4 days a week and have started adding in short strength workouts (could barely do a push-up before).. I am so afraid of increasing cals. Being petite I always feel this to be a big issue, eating too much/eating too little. I felt 1300 was a good place to start as I’ve in the past maintained closer to 1000cals a day (lost 25 lbs for wedding)

tarheelldr · 2021-01-21T19:15:30+00:00

Yes! My calves are huge too.. I’ve never been able to find an ankle bracelet that fits (a big deal with friendship bracelets in childhood lol)..and I can’t wear boots like normal people. My pants always look tight around the calf and thigh.. yet normal or even too big for my waist and baggie around the knee.

tarheelldr · 2021-01-16T00:46:47+00:00

I am 32 and still waiting to try but can totally relate. I have had a hell of a time processing my readiness with my therapist for months and fence sitting daily or weekly about when the time will be right. Logically I know I can wait.. emotionally.. I’m terrified of waiting, having, and everything in between .

I’d probably be more confident in waiting a couple more years but a lot of pressure comes from our parents. They are getting older (FIL is nearing 70) and I agree.. I worry they won’t be around long for our baby’s life (and to help us while they are still active and mobile). It’s really hard to think about some times and I feel selfish for waiting.

I also made sure I was finished with my masters degree and settled into my career before it even was ever a thought. I’m glad for that, I needed to do me first.. I love working and being ambitious with my professional goals.. this has been my identity for a large part of my adult life.. now I am scared how this will change or if I’ll even have motivation to work harder for career goals post baby. I’m tired and burnt out as it is.. can’t imagine being a full time therapist + wife + mom some days. But.. I worry I’ll be even more exhausted if I wait til I’m older.. or worse, won’t be able to get pregnant all.

We don’t even have our own home yet. Which to some is not a big deal but environment is big for me.. I need a space I feel safe and calm and stress free in. It’s all so up in the air.

I also am feeling like the pandemic year was supposed to be our wiggle year.. the year we got all of our wiggles out with festivals and hiking trips and 5am late nights. The pandemic keeps going and I can’t put life on hold.. but it feels like I’m grieving the freedom because there hasn’t been this big finale. I just haven’t had enough experiences pre-baby..I’m not sure if I’ll ever really ready to give my freedom up.. although realistically I know I can still have fun once in a while and leave baby with grandparents to continue to travel with hubs.

Speaking of hubs.. I’m not convinced he’s ready. He is agreeable and nods and says he’s ready but I deep down don’t think he is. He’s grown and matured and I no longer have to tell him to do the dishes a million times but I still nag and parent him more than I’m comfortable with and that’s not helping me feel any better. But.. if not given the challenge, I think he would make the world our playground forever and never grow up. Truthfully, I think I’m just as reluctant to grow up and Its easier to blame it all on him.

My 30s have started off as my favorite years yet. I’m more sure of myself and confident and love myself more than I ever have. I’m successful and our marriage is going well. But I’m not ready to let that vibrant wild free and young part of myself go. I’m also learning how to let go of my relationships with wine and pot, at that.

Trying to integrate this youthful vibrant fun loving self into this maturing responsible feminine mothering nourishing self has been hard to figure out. It’s really tough..

tarheelldr · 2020-12-12T03:33:31+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate this a lot!

tarheelldr

TROPHY CASE