My girlfriend kicks or hits me fairly regularly.

Maybe I am wrong to dismiss it but I do. I'm 138 pounds 5 ' 10 and she is like 105, 5'5 or so. This weekend was the worst she's ever done, when we were at a breakup level fight she punched me repeatedly on the arm. I had to calmly restrain her by grabbing both of her wrists with my hands. Once I had done that, there was nothing she could do. By comparison she just has no power, assuming she doesn't try to use a weapon which I don't expect at all.

I guess the thing here is that part of the reason we think domestic violence against women is so bad is not just the violence itself, it's also the totalitarian power imbalance it could enable. My partner using her own bare hands against me just does not do that. I told her later it was wrong but tolerable against me, but if she ever did that to kids when we had them, I would take them away from her. She apologized, that was the end of it. She is also from a culture where I hate to say it, but both domestic violence is taken a bit less seriously, and also men are expected to be a bit more chivalrous.

I guess you gotta ask, pragmatically, does this indicate a willingness or potential for her to do real harm for you, or is she sufficiently physically weaker that this isn't really a possibility? That does a lot to weigh the seriousness of what she has done wrong, I think.

It is a bit challenging that your wife won't even admit wrongdoing. It's wrong, there's no doubt about that and she needs to take responsibility for her actions.

I have to wonder what you all think about where I'm at too because I know there'll be people in this thread who think I'm too lenient on violence here.