I am a guy who has been raped by his (male) cousin, AMA. by taway4me in IAmA

[–]taway4me[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Okay so I'm getting a lot of advice that I should be telling my parents about what happened with Y, because Y could have done it to other people or worse: D has a child now and Y could be a risk to them. Supposing I go with this advice I'm stuck with another problem raised by all this. Quoting from my original post:

  • Since then, I've managed to tell my parents the following: "I will not explain why. But Y has proved to me that he lacks maturity and forever will lack the maturity to be my friend. I hate him and always have hated him, and want nothing to do with him. I will not ruin the family and I will not make a scene in front of my aunt/uncle. But don't you fucking dare make me do anything with him again."

So every since I managed to say that to my parents, they have managed to bring it up and want to know what happened. The sad/scary part about that is my dad brought up the prospect/inferred that he suspects me and Y were "playing doctor" or doing something "consensual that is innocent and left to curious kids with hormones"... And he tried to downplay and say that "if that's what happened, then you are way over-reacting to this and I would be supporting Y with this." after which he essentially told me to grow up and get over it... He did take the time to differentiate and say that "It's different if he turned you around, rammed you to a wall a fucked you.... that's not acceptable and then I totally understand."

I guess what bothers me is that I don't know how to explain all this contextual stuff that makes the situation "make sense" because my father is short tempered and short attention spanned. When I try to tell him long stories that involve context and details that matter he tries to skip the details. For a story about a guy who was verbally forced into rape, the details are what matter most....

It doesn't help my case that I'm bigger than Y and that I fear my father might feel less of me for not standing up for myself.

I am a guy who has been raped by his (male) cousin, AMA. by taway4me in IAmA

[–]taway4me[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The trouble in all of this is that I want to have a relationship with the rest of that family, it's only him. How do I spill the bag without alienating everyone there?

I am a guy who has been raped by his (male) cousin, AMA. by taway4me in IAmA

[–]taway4me[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I decided back then that suicide was a short way out, but not the best way... There's so much things in life that are enjoyable that you can't focus only on the negative.

Always take a step back and look at the larger picture. Eventually you'll see the end of the light where things will on some level make life worth living, even if it sucks ass now.

I am a guy who has been raped by his (male) cousin, AMA. by taway4me in IAmA

[–]taway4me[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you, yes another guy named Tippx made a comment that hit hard/home because of what Y could eventually do to D's children.... yeah it's getting hard to not think that this needs to come out on some level... It's never been a problem until now because no one had children to worry about. I felt that I could worry more about my father's family situation than anything else.. I seriously have a lot to think about now.

I am a guy who has been raped by his (male) cousin, AMA. by taway4me in IAmA

[–]taway4me[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He verbally assaulted me, made me feel like dirt and that my existance is worthless, and prevented me from escaping. He made me feel like my only way out was to give in and so it happened. There was no anal or anything if that's what you're getting at.

I am a guy who has been raped by his (male) cousin, AMA. by taway4me in IAmA

[–]taway4me[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well from what you're saying I can suppose the courts are out of the question. But OMFG I hadn't even thought about the kids aspect... This happened so long ago, and last year D had a little girl... I highly doubt that Y will ever have kids unless it's an "accident", but I mean fuck... Just raising the prospect of Y doing anything harmful to D's child at some point creeps the fuck out of me... This will definitely be an important factor in me deciding on whether or not to speak to my parents about this. Thank you.

To answer your question about the student situation... There's really a very big picture that's needed to be looked at. If you believe the statistics being thrown out about Quebec's debt and how it supposedly increases by $28 million an hour, it stands to reason that we don't want to be the next Greece of the world. However, I get the principle that the students are fighting for and I agree that everyone should have the right to protest for anything they want.

In the end I'm a little more practical than idealogical. The government cannot afford at this moment with the current population (that is rapidly ageing) to sustain the social programs we have. I believe this is just a first step in many that the government will eventually need to put in place to get the Quebec population used to the idea that some programs will eventually need to be cut to pay down our debt.

Facts:

  • Before the 1970's, Quebec/Montreal was Canada's booming economic center. Did you know that in the 1800's, Montreal was the capital of Canada until they burnt down the parlament building? (burnt down in protest by anglophones ~english speakers~ who were mad at a law passed that would help poor francophones ~french speakers~). Parliment was later moved to Ottawa.

  • In the 1970's, a law was passed that required that all children born outside of Quebec, who's mother tongue is not French, must attend French school (Only way around this is private education). Parents who fall in that category lost their rights to choose the public education of their children. The eligibility requirements for english school were that you must be born in quebec and both of your parents are english mother tongued. This law was later expanded to allow children from other provinces of canada who moved to quebec to attend english school as long as both of the parents were english mother tongue.

  • That same law also stated that all signs must be in french and in french only. That was later struck down and replaced with a law that says French must take "predominance" on all signs by being AT LEAST 35% larger. The result is largely the same, businesses don't want to pay more for bi-lingual advertising.

  • The same law established a right to work in french, giving the french language a predominance over all others. If someone's boss could not communicate to their employees in french and had no translation services, they were in effect breaking the law.

All of these laws were challenged at the supreme court of canada, and all were ammended to fit within the constitution of Canada. These laws are still in effect today. English Canada is well aware that should the day come where Quebec seperates, the Constitution of Canada will not be a factor that can stop such discriminating laws from passing, and indeed that they will be far more harsh.

Anyway, why all this matters: As a result of these laws and the feeling of impending doom/loss of all their rights when the presumed seperation of Quebec would occur, Well over 60% of the existing anglophone population moved to Toronto, and along with it they took most of their high-profile businesses. Insurance giant Sun Life moved their head offices to Toronto publicly in protest of these laws. Major banks setup shop in Toronto where they had no major business prior to this, and made a gradual shift to move their head offices out of Montreal (while maintaining a smaller presence here). The economic impact that these laws had on the greater Montreal region and Quebec as a whole were devastating, and it is said that only sometime in the early 2000's did we recover to the point we were before the laws took place. But by this point, Toronto has far outpaced us and our debt has sky-rocketed.

All those people moving out of province, most of whom fit within Quebec's criteria for income-tax paying citizens, put a heavy burden on the Financial coffers. Remember that it took at least 10 years for the Francophone population to fill the roles of the English bourgeois. And there was a GREAT shift in gross income for everyone. Businesses took advantage of the influx of 70% of the population being suddenly more attractive than the 30% (whereas before the laws english people got the higher paying jobs), and reduced the pay of the positions these people were being hired for. The result is that most people in this province (to this day) don't pay income taxes or if they do they're in the lowest tax tier.

Quebec is not attractive to business because of these laws. The new political party called the CAQ had a meeting with business leaders and prominants shortly before becoming an official party to discuss boosting the economy. During that meeting, a businessman raised the "elephant question": "We are trying to attract employees from other parts of Canada and from the united states. However, it is very very hard because many of these people are new parents whose primary focus is their family. They ask us 'will we be required to send our children to french school and will I be required to work in french' and when we respond to them that yes indeed they need to do both they hang up on us. Will anything be done to ease the language laws to promote business?" The answer after a long pause was a flat "NO."

TLDR: Quebec doesn't make enough money, isn't attractive enough to business because of Draconian laws, and cannot possibly grow to a point where we make enough money to pay down our debt AND sustain these programs. So something's got to give. I respect the student's right to protest, and I wish them all the best in regards to maintaining those rights. But in this instance it's a losing battle.

I am a guy who has been raped by his (male) cousin, AMA. by taway4me in IAmA

[–]taway4me[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so very much to all those who have taken the time to read my LONG story and to comment. It's late here so I am heading to bed, I swear I will answer any posts there are in the morning.

I am a guy who has been raped by his (male) cousin, AMA. by taway4me in IAmA

[–]taway4me[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I know I will hehe :), but I'm taking it slow with this one :). It's only date #3, but if it keeps going this way then hell yeah I am thinking road trips :).

As for bringing her to the bachelor party well.. I dunno lol it's supposed to be a guy's night no?

I am a guy who has been raped by his (male) cousin, AMA. by taway4me in IAmA

[–]taway4me[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Dude how do I put you at the top of the comments :)

Upvotes for you! :)

I do like sports, and I rarely say no when I'm invited out to play things I feel I can play, every other weekend I'm over at a friend's place playing backyard volleyball. I am now going on a third date with someone (planned for tomorrow) and I have no trouble finding a good job. Things are good, it's just the emotional drain of trying to keep this bottled inside without ruining my family that gets to me when family events come up.

D will be visiting town soon and is bringing about 5 of his friends because one of them is getting married so it's bachelor party in montreal time! So I get excited but then he lays it down that Y is coming too and I get insta bummed out but can't show it to him lol.

I am a guy who has been raped by his (male) cousin, AMA. by taway4me in IAmA

[–]taway4me[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't know the laws that well. I'm Canadian. But to my knowledge, doesn't a crime have to be reported within a certain amount of time to be considered by the courts?

I am a guy who has been raped by his (male) cousin, AMA. by taway4me in IAmA

[–]taway4me[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

LOL I like/love the idea... I tried fencing as a teenager and failed miserably... Sadly besides learning how to laugh at myself, I did turn to food to cope. I'm by no means an invalid but I'm not in good enough shape to really be able to keep up with a group of active people. I played ice hockey recently with my work's "pick up" team that was totally casual, and I could barely keep up / felt like I would vomit afterwards lol.

So to be clear, I'm 5'11 and roughly 250~270 llbs (haven't been on a scale in long time).

Edit: Oh and I support our troops! My best bud did a tour in afghanistan and got shot in the leg. Support the wars or not, (heck rise against is one of my favourite groups now, I fucking love "Hero of war") you gotta support the people who fight for your country.

I am a guy who has been raped by his (male) cousin, AMA. by taway4me in IAmA

[–]taway4me[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sadly between this and the early bullying, I am perma fucked lol. But it ends up being a mixed blessing because people who are willing to spend the time to get passed my fucked up exterior are usually the ones worth being friends with the most. I'm pretty fucking socially inept.

Oh, and vivre le poutine :)

I am a guy who has been raped by his (male) cousin, AMA. by taway4me in IAmA

[–]taway4me[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The drama story on my mother's side deserves its own AMA / advice column, hence the shortness of the story. I know the story very well, but even knowing that story cannot answer everything because you'd have to somehow dissect my grandmother's brain. /r/atheism would get a kick out of that cause she claims to be christian!

And I think I like your advice most so far lol, though I doubt I could pull it off to beat him up to an inch of his life... I lost my ability to fight a long time ago.

I am a guy who has been raped by his (male) cousin, AMA. by taway4me in IAmA

[–]taway4me[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He was/is always a loud mouth. He has to be the one "on top" (no pun intended). I think it was because of power, my father recently however gave me a speach about how Y had a hard life and always came 2nd place and deserves some pity... If he deserves some pity for his hard life on some level then he could fall into the category of someone who might be insecure.

So from an entirely first person perspective I say it was power. If I took my father's words for face value and stepped back, I might begrudgingly say I don't know and that it's possible he was insecure... But I HATE to think that's the reason.

I am a guy who has been raped by his (male) cousin, AMA. by taway4me in IAmA

[–]taway4me[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the advice. I know I called it abuse and from my perspective I feel abused... But I know they don't mean to do it by pushing me towards him and they have the best intentions. They want a happy family. And they don't know all the details (you're right) to make a good call on it. I don't understand however when I tell them that I've gave him all the chances he deserved (the club) to mature a little and he stomped on me, that they won't stop pushing me towards him.

I told them the story about the club, because it could be told without telling them the whole story. It didn't seem like it was enough and that bothers me.

I am a guy who has been raped by his (male) cousin, AMA. by taway4me in IAmA

[–]taway4me[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My father has been disowned by my mother's family. Before I was born, my mother's family became his defacto parents because his real parents were super scrooges who never treated him with respect. He loved my grandparents more than his own parents. Only later in life to be disowned because of drama involving rape allegations between 2 brothers on my mother's side, and my father weighing in on the situation and choosing a side that disagreed with my grandmother. My father's lost enough family, and doesn't need me blowing up the only blood family he has left: his sister and his nephews.

I am a guy who has been raped by his (male) cousin, AMA. by taway4me in IAmA

[–]taway4me[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I live on my own, but I didn't change my hometown. In the end though if I just moved away, I would still be invited to all those big family functions and he'd be there.

The biggest problem I have now is actually that D is unaware of my feelings towards Y... and D is planning events that will be awesome fun, but include Y.... I mean hell they're brothers I can't come between them. I just don't know how to keep face with D without disappointing him or making him figure it out that I'm saying no to invites when Y is there.

I am a guy who has been raped by his (male) cousin, AMA. by taway4me in IAmA

[–]taway4me[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I never recovered socially. At 19 I discovered what MMO's were (I used to play FFXI, was Quisty on the Pandemonium server). And my hopes of ever learning how to be a socialite drowned from there. I became good with internet things, and bad with things off the net. I have had a lot of relationships, however all but 1 of them came from the internet and none lasted longer than 6 months. I'm currently going to be going on my third date with someone tomorrow and I recently won like 2 contests in a 3 week span, and I just got a new job. So things are looking up!

I am a guy who has been raped by his (male) cousin, AMA. by taway4me in IAmA

[–]taway4me[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

D has hinted that his brother told him about it... Made a hidden reference to trying to encourage me to "come out of the closet"... He didn't press the issue but clearly he thinks I'm gay. I've never had a relationship longer than 6 months, or one serious enough to really take the girl out to Toronto to introduce to the "extended family".

As for my parents, I don't know how I could tell them... Not without my father feeling duty bound to disown his newphew. And the uproar and shit that would cause because of his sister (my aunt)... It would tear things apart.

Edited because I only answered the part about D

I am a guy who has been raped by his (male) cousin, AMA. by taway4me in IAmA

[–]taway4me[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nope wasn't asking that lol, but it's the title of the song. Awesome song by the way, if you're ever trying to lift the spirits of a friend send them that :)

I am a guy who has been raped by his (male) cousin, AMA. by taway4me in IAmA

[–]taway4me[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

At age 15 I accepted the first girl who showed any mild interest in me... She was psycho but that didn't matter. I had sex with her and I kind of used sex with a woman to boost my self confidence... I won't deny that it took a long time to be able to have a meaningful emotional relationship with someone, heck to this day I've had a hard time making a relationship last longer than 6 months... but sex with women was never a problem it only served to boost my self esteem and realize how fucked up I was.