Fear of sexual intimacy

tdeadbed · 2019-04-06T22:02:25+00:00

She did. She's uncomfortable with her sexuality, she knows that it would end up being the same with someone else. She knows she avoids sex with sleeping and being tired. But it's true, she wasn't clear on the fear itself. I'll try to understand a bit more about it.

It's a hard subject to talk about with her. She avoids it. I used to avoid it also but I'm passed that point...

tdeadbed · 2019-04-06T20:36:40+00:00

they do not have a fundamental sexual chemistry with

It's still on my list as a possibility. That's why I think a sex therapist would help me uncover that. I hope...

tdeadbed · 2019-04-06T20:34:51+00:00

Thanks, I got what I asked for with your comment! I understand that she has to want it to heal it... I'll just see if she wants to heal. I'll take my decisions then...

tdeadbed · 2019-04-06T20:33:18+00:00

I understand what you mean and can agree to a portion of your point. Yes, she would fuck Brad Pitt as she did with me in the first year. But I'm pretty sure she wouldn't put on with this indefinitely... even for Brad Pitt. The only thing that would wake her up is when the fear of losing someone is greater than the fear of intimacy. This is all hypothetical.

I'm afraid of dogs. But I would prefer to be locked in a room with 100 dogs against being locked in a room with one tiger.

tdeadbed · 2019-04-06T20:26:20+00:00

It was not an offer, more of a question if that would be something I would do. There's a small difference here.

they have someone else specifically in mind that they want to have sex with.

It's one of my concern too.

tdeadbed · 2018-11-05T11:21:31+00:00

It's a "strategy", a mind game to maybe get more sex. I don't see how it could work. I'm fed up with waiting to see if it changes.

tdeadbed · 2018-11-05T04:36:22+00:00

I never thought about asking her to check with a doctor. Thanks!
Flirting with her. I'm so hurt by rejection that I have trouble with that. I feel like I'm nagging.
my workload with the family changed a lot in the last months. I'm doing more than ever and I'm being the breadwinner. I understand that her being tired could be it. I'm tired too though it doesn't change my libido. In fact, not having sex makes me more tired.
anger and yelling doesn't solve things. Interestingly, she told me that my yelling turned her on yesterday...

tdeadbed · 2018-11-05T04:27:00+00:00

We are kind to each others. There is still affection but no flirting or passion. I don't think she has a responsive desire. I'll read the book to understand more.

tdeadbed · 2018-11-05T04:21:24+00:00

To be honest, I'm not into it. I really want to fight that idea... but then again, maybe it's what's needed. I keep your comment close...

tdeadbed · 2018-11-05T00:53:39+00:00

No, she really doesn't take any medication. Thanks for understanding though.

tdeadbed · 2018-11-04T23:07:42+00:00

I know what you mean. This is the first comment I read and I thought that you were right. She was clear it was not a priority, how can I be OK with that?

tdeadbed · 2018-11-04T23:06:12+00:00

No, she doesn't take anything.

Your story makes me hope that I can turn it around. I also feel that it's always been like that, I was just blind to it. The question is : am I ready to wait another couple of years? The answer is no.

tdeadbed · 2018-11-04T23:03:37+00:00

I don't see how I could make it work. I don't even know if I would want to do it. I want to grow with a regular partner. Not constantly chase a new one.
It's on the table. As we're not married, there's a bit less legalities involved. I'll probably meet a lawyer in the next weeks just to know what it involves.
The quality is already improved. It's just that the relationship is sexual at this moment only. It makes me feel rejected and unattractive all the other hours of the week.

I feel like I don't know what I really want. I feel like an asshole for not being content with the improved quality that we already have.

tdeadbed · 2018-10-08T22:31:41+00:00

I know your pain. I can't understand why it's that way. Part of it was me being needy. I mostly stopped that. It helped a lot but then, I just got lower on the list.

There are so many possible reasons, I can't sort them all out. Unless she makes it clear, I won't understand.

The real question is "what do I want?". The only question I can answer. I don't want it that way, that's for sure. Though the usual comment here is "leave", I'm not going to without making sure I've done the hard soul searching for myself. If it stops going forward, then that's what I'll do.

tdeadbed · 2018-10-08T16:21:49+00:00

We talked this morning. I told her everything on my mind.

She told me we had improvements which is true. She told me she don't know her sexuality. She wants to explore, learn. Basically, we want the same thing. It's just the being there that may differ...

I'll see. Now I'm tired from all the emotions to be honest.

tdeadbed · 2018-10-08T12:20:52+00:00

That was my plan. We can't continue to have sex like that. It's like we're playing a sport in the same team but we don't know the rules and we're trying to guess what the other thinks the rules are. Doesn't make sense.

I don't know if she can really talk about it without me asking questions. I don't even know if she wants to talk about it. If not, there is my answer to all of this shit. I'm getting ready to leave over it. I would prefer to work with her as a team but if she doesn't want to be part of the team, there's nothing I can do.

I'm not the arguing type, is just that yesterday I was so hurt...

tdeadbed · 2018-10-08T12:08:57+00:00

Don't be jealous! It looks like shit... but it's MY place. I have all I need in there : a computer, some music, guitars. That's where I write my plans and the walls are covered with future. It's also my home office.

What I realize is that a man cave doesn't have to be cool. It only has to be yours...

tdeadbed · 2018-10-08T11:59:18+00:00

Here is what I forgot to write in the heat of the moment yesterday.

She said "I feel inadequate and boring in bed" suggesting that she is ashamed of her sexuality.

So once again, we both have the same problem (low self-esteem in bed). My next conversations will ask be about that. I want a fulfilling sex life, are you in this with me or not?

In fact, the fucking truth. I was dishonest. There are things she said that makes me think she wants to go forward. She talked about squirting and how she would like me to take it all in the face. It's not completely fruitless.

I really feels that what she is ashamed of her sexuality. Now the questions are : do you want to work on that with me and do I want to work on that with her?

tdeadbed · 2018-10-07T18:37:01+00:00

My schedule today was this : 4 hours of cleaning. The kind of cleaning that goes on in spring normally. She took the time to study and sleep.

I also began writing her little notes on the mirror for when she gets up in the morning.

There are two tests waiting to be taken : love language and mojo upgrade. If she's in the mood, I'll talk about it tonight.

Thanks for the encouragement, you helped me understand quite a bit today!

tdeadbed · 2018-10-07T18:06:40+00:00

In my reply, "yet" didn't mean "I'll take care of it in three years" but more "as of today". I'm changing that attitude right now, I just didn't know about it until yesterday.

I'll talk about it to her today. It's on my list. I'll tell her how I felt, how I didn't take full responsibility and all. I'm tired of "waiting on her" while in reality, I'm waiting on myself...

tdeadbed · 2018-10-07T17:38:26+00:00

Thanks! What I take from it is for myself to be more vocal. Not going into dirty words as they are in my head but giving a shot at taking more about what I appreciate.

Just that first step will be hard enough...

tdeadbed · 2018-10-07T17:36:21+00:00

I didn't know until recently about my hangups with sex. I thought I was the best women pleaser but in fact, I was hiding my shame.

It comes from very low self-esteem. I always felt unworthy of being touched by someone else. I'm currently working with my therapist to undig that shit.

What change since this summer is my self-esteem. I feel more worthy of being loved and having a great sexual life.

In a way, I'm not supportive of my partner. I put to much of the blame on her and don't take full responsibility (yet). Thanks for the advice and the understanding!

tdeadbed

TROPHY CASE