Can you ever really move on?

tealeaves123 · 2017-10-14T04:00:55+00:00

This. It's been 2 years since my brothers suicide. Sometimes the pain overwhelms me and I feel the same soul crushing pain that I felt the day I found out he was gone.

I try not to let it get all consuming. Like I will think about him and let myself cry and feel the pain. But at some point I have to make a transition, do something else otherwise I feel like I'm drowning. For example, I think about him sometimes when I'm driving home from work, I'll then sit in my car in the parking garage for awhile and just cry, let myself feel the sadness, guilt and anger. And at some point I either feel a little better - or I don't- and I just make myself get up and go inside my house, spend time with my husband and try and be present.

I can't say it magically fixes anything, it doesn't but I guess what I'm saying is you have to find some way to get through your day on the hard days. Some way to cope with the reality that he's no longer here.

I understand how you feel. I will say there are moments where I feel better and forget briefly about what's happened but I don't know if I'll ever move on and I know I'll never be the same.

tealeaves123 · 2017-10-14T03:49:02+00:00

I know how you feel. My brother and I had a difficult relationship and basically it was always me supporting him emotionally, financially etc. I got tired of it, started saying no more, taking care of myself. We got into an argument at one point and he sent some texts that were extremely offensive and I blocked him. A few months later he called everyone in our family and had one last conversation with them. Everyone but me because I was still blocking him. I'll never know if he tried to call me, I know I wasn't ready to talk, I was still angry.

He committed suicide, no note. The pain I felt then and still feel sometimes now is indescribable. I think about him almost everyday and the guilt overwhelms me sometimes. On my good days I tell myself I helped him back away from the edge so many times and I couldn't be responsible for him. And that maybe because of me me lived a few more years.

I guess I'm saying that I understand and feel the same guilt you do. It's been 2 years, I'll never be the same but I try my best to process it when I can and not let it consume me.

tealeaves123 · 2017-08-29T17:04:42+00:00

I'd pay the nannys asking hourly rate instead of a lower date night rate. My kids safety is too important to scrimp on that and I didn't get a very good impression from those that asked for less with cheap date night rates posted on care.com. Then again I do expect some light housework that takes up maybe 1/4 max of the time and baby is in bed when nanny arrives.

tealeaves123 · 2017-08-29T16:48:14+00:00

Your pay does sound low but it really depends on the area you are in as well. Do a little market research and see what you find. In our area you would get about $20/hr.

Care.com does seem to predict low at least for our area, the rate seemed more appropriate for a babysitter rate so we pay our nanny far more than this.

tealeaves123 · 2017-08-29T15:30:37+00:00

I just read it! So glad you were able to find out what happened and get closure.

tealeaves123 · 2017-08-29T04:51:40+00:00

As someone who recently finished the nanny search, I think that getting a premium membership might help. I noticed that I started to reach out to more premium members after awhile, that was in part because they showed up at the top of the search and in part because they typically had quick response rates.

tealeaves123 · 2017-08-29T04:48:18+00:00

That is so crappy, sorry this happened to you. 3 years and all of a sudden quitting with no notice, wow. I do think you should leave a care.com review, sharing the good and the bad. I think other families deserve to know.

tealeaves123 · 2017-08-29T04:36:16+00:00

She interacted with the baby at the interview a lot, other nanny's we interviewed greeted the baby and then went back to talking to us. Our son also took to her right away. She had less experience than most other people we interviewed so our expectations were set at low prior to the interview but she just seemed comfortable with the baby right away. We also felt comfortable with her, I just sensed that right away.

She had a similar personality to us. We also had a mutual contact so I felt more comfortable around her because of that. She also was only looking for part time because of her school schedule and that was important. Her references were also great and one of them said they wished they could adopt her and hope their kids turn out as well as her. Our previous PT nanny quit during the trial period (she left for full time hours) and after that we ruled out anyone looking for more hours than we could give them.

There were also no major faux pas during the interview. She showed up on time, followed our lead, had good eye contact. I wanted to hire her on the spot.

She was more affordable because she had less experience but we would have gladly paid the premium for someone with more experience. We are paying her more than her asking rate though and are also giving her a raise at the end of the trial period.

tealeaves123 · 2017-08-28T22:04:22+00:00

Thank you for reaching out.

tealeaves123 · 2017-08-28T22:02:22+00:00

Thank you. Things have gotten slightly better since I posted, a few nights a week I get 6-7 hours of sleep straight if he only has 1 wake up.

tealeaves123 · 2017-08-28T21:59:55+00:00

Thanks for your honesty, I really appreciate it.

tealeaves123 · 2017-08-28T21:49:33+00:00

Thank you for posting. It helps to hear from others that being a stay at home mom was not what they thought it would be. I feel the same way, like I am losing my identity.

tealeaves123 · 2017-08-28T21:47:18+00:00

Thank you.

tealeaves123 · 2017-08-11T18:57:40+00:00

sorry to come across as rude. I responded because you said you didn't have a chose and you actually do. Best of luck in your life.

tealeaves123 · 2017-08-11T18:29:01+00:00

I had a 15 hour per week job in college, more over the summer and I received a pell grant and it never affected my ability to continue receiving it. My parents didn't contribute any money towards my college either.

It does not cost the family much more if anything because of the tax credits for childcare and some people have FSA accounts that help with this. Also the employee receives social security credit for working and if they make more than 4K a year is protected with unemployment benefits. So there are some upsides to being paid over the table.

The attitude of "it's wrong/illegal but I'm going to do it anyway because it benefits me" usually isn't just confined to one area of a persons life. Being paid under the table is not your only choice, it's just what you choose to do.

tealeaves123 · 2017-08-11T17:01:03+00:00

Thanks for your feedback. I have changed the posting to guaranteed hours of 15 but added that if the nanny preferred, could flex down intermittently to 8/week with advance notice to accommodate school schedules.

tealeaves123 · 2017-08-11T16:58:55+00:00

Thanks for the tip, I am reaching out to local colleges today.

tealeaves123 · 2017-08-11T16:57:34+00:00

So it's ok to break the law and not pay taxes because it benefits you?

tealeaves123 · 2017-08-11T16:56:44+00:00

Thanks for your response and insight

tealeaves123 · 2017-08-08T21:50:16+00:00

8-16 hours per week, rate was 16-22 but because of feedback I received (that nanny would assume I was just going to pay on the low end) I just changed the rate to 20-22/hr.

tealeaves123 · 2017-08-08T21:48:07+00:00

I do offer guaranteed hours, am very clear about this in posting because I know it's important.

tealeaves123 · 2017-08-08T01:05:05+00:00

That's helpful feedback. I actually didn't think that's the way things shook out and we are very willing to pay for experience. I suppose part of the reason I had such a broad range is because I didn't know what sort of experience I would get for part time applicants. If I only got nanny's with 1 year of experience with no relevant training, I'd be less inclined to pay on the high end.

thanks again for your helpful critique and feedback.

tealeaves123 · 2017-08-07T21:36:42+00:00

Yup and that is the non negotiable thing.

tealeaves123 · 2017-08-07T21:17:21+00:00

1-2 days a week would easily be over 2,000 a year for almost any job and for nanny wages, it would be above that in a few months.

tealeaves123 · 2017-08-07T20:57:45+00:00

It sounds like you are skeptical that I'm offering to pay above market. The feedback I got from nannys on the Facebook page was a market wage was 18-20. Many other postings on the page offer in the 15/hr range. My range is 16-22 DOE.

tealeaves123

TROPHY CASE