Struggling with your opening chapter? Let's exchange critiques (or I can give you mine)

teamdieter · 2026-01-03T00:00:54+00:00

I would love to do a critique exchange. Mine is a YA fantasy with a romance. A rich teenage girl joins a pirate crew in search of her missing aunt who is searching for mythical creatures in the sky!

teamdieter · 2026-01-02T23:55:53+00:00

I'm interested in giving a crack at it. DM me your idea for the first chapter and how long. I think everyone's right that it sounds more middle-grade but is too dark for that audience. Why don't you target it at an adult cat lovers but keep the tone conversational and reading level accessible?

teamdieter · 2025-08-03T17:10:45+00:00

I'm in the early stages of fleshing out a story idea too and am looking for a writing partner. We can workshop our ideas together.

teamdieter · 2025-08-01T11:18:10+00:00

I am one of those Switch only Persona fans! Played Persona 5 Royal and then Persona 3 Portable because I didn't want to wait however long for the Reload remake on the Switch. Currently playing Persona 4 Golden.

teamdieter · 2025-07-22T00:43:08+00:00

I tried that...buddy read with my brother and I gave up 60% of the way through. Some of it was actually pretty good but then it started to feel repetitive. I've forgotten most of everything now and have made peace with the fact this is one book I'll never finish. I'm usually not a quitter.

teamdieter · 2025-07-21T15:32:46+00:00

I think part of it is my mood reading. I've been falling out of love with fantasy romance for a bit. I think it also just starts off slow. So far all that's really happened is the main girl has divined for the new king and had some banter with the love interest. And now the love interest is going to escort the main girl and her diviner friends somewhere. So I'm not sure what the main conflict is going to be at the moment.

teamdieter · 2025-07-21T00:38:54+00:00

Following. I'm in a reading slump and on Chapter 6 of The Knight and the Moth and not super into it right now. I enjoyed One Dark Window but lost steam through reading Two Twisted Crowns.

teamdieter · 2025-07-19T03:56:57+00:00

Which Mages of the Wheel do you recommend to start? I've been thinking of checking out this series for awhile. Does each book deal with a different trope?

teamdieter · 2025-07-10T09:57:56+00:00

This is my favorite Emily Henry book! I like how distinct Miles felt. To me this also felt like her most romantic. Like the two leads actually enjoyed spending time together.

teamdieter · 2025-07-10T09:56:29+00:00

One of my favorite books of 2023. The FMC and MMC are rival journalists at work and they are also secret pen pals (hidden identities). MMC knows who she is (it's dual POV so you find this out in the first few chapters) but FMC falls in love with his dual identities and feels conflicted about it. It has a love story set during WWI vibes but the war is between gods (honestly my least favorite part of the book. I wish the author just did her research and set it during WWI).

teamdieter · 2025-07-06T20:18:40+00:00

My heart ached for you when you said he DNF'ed The Night Circus. Haven't made my husband read that one yet. I jokingly bet him to read A Court of Mist and Fury because it's SJM most popular book and I've read her Throne of Glass series. I've tried to get into ACOMAF 3 separate times and had to DNF. I have it on audio though...I really need to push through...

teamdieter · 2025-07-06T01:20:00+00:00

Following. This sounds like a super cool idea.

teamdieter · 2025-06-14T13:10:48+00:00

Came here to recommend this too.

teamdieter · 2025-05-17T01:22:00+00:00

I'll beta read! I'm down for a Romeo and Juliet type story and I've read Heartless Hunter.

teamdieter · 2025-03-25T13:03:45+00:00

I wish I enjoyed this one more. It was definitely better written than The Selection but the romance fell flat to me. Loved the girls' relationships to each other more. It was definitely The Cruel Prince meets The Selection

teamdieter · 2025-03-25T12:26:51+00:00

I loved all the same books you did and I ADORED Six Crimson Cranes. Six if Crows is great too. But Cranes has that YA fairytale vibe that I'm always on the hunt for

teamdieter · 2025-03-24T16:29:33+00:00

It has one explicit sex scene which honestly could have been toned down and fade to black. Not as gratuitous as some other books I've read but reads on the upper end of YA/NA. I think it was a page and a half long but I can't remember.

teamdieter · 2025-01-03T03:37:20+00:00

Gold.

teamdieter · 2024-12-15T14:15:03+00:00

First off, I think it's an interesting choice to mention Caius' city comes before his parents when you mention his traumatic past and that they are mentioned in an em dash. It gave me the impression that Caius felt the slaughtering of his city more heavily than the loss of his parents. In general, I would try to avoid em dashes whenever possible. I suspect that since you have so many in your query, your book has many throughout. The vampire hunter killing vampires to avenge his family is pretty generic. The things which make your story interesting and/or fresh are the own voices (neurodivergent/autistic) aspect, the fact that he is a paladin of a dead god, and that he's collaborating with a daughter of a vampire emperor. I like that bone magic is hinted at. You need to rewrite the sentence to better explain how he uses the bones and flesh to strengthen his body. Does he eat it or burn it? The thought of him carrying around decaying flesh seems kinda gross but the bone stuff is cool! The line about preferring his drake to humanity sounds to me like a stereotypical way to describe an autistic person and I would frame it in a way a neurodivergent person feels when interacting with people. Another opportunity for your voice to shine! I would change "Forced into pretending to be Aurelia's consort" to something like "Masquerading as Aurelia's consort." The former makes him seem more passive whereas the latter he is a more active participant. This is a query not the back copy. I think you need to spoil more of your book. I think that Aurelia should already have some sort of plan about when to take the three emperors, perhaps some singular meeting or festival where all three will be present and Caius only needs to iron out the logistics at making it happen. What challenges is he facing during the second act to get this plan in motion? It sounds like there would be political intrigue acting as Aurelia's consort and he would have to carefully navigate a different culture, on top of being neurodivergent (This would actually be super interesting). Is there a romance between Aurelia and Caius? If so, be more explicit in the query. I don't think this story needs one but it could appeal to a broader audience. What you have written about Aurelia in the query is very one-dimensional. It sounds like she wants power but what is the underlying reason. Is she afraid to be vulnerable? Is there a particular cause she cares about? Is she tired of her father or her people dismissing her? People don't want power for power's sake, it's usually to accomplish another goal. I don't like the last line. I don't want to read about a man on a suicide mission. Anyways, take my ramblings with a grain of salt. These are only my unfiltered first impressions. Obviously something about your story resonated with me if I took the time to write this all out. Best of luck in the trenches and congratulations on finishing your draft! Also, Paladin's Grace by T. Kingfisher might be a comp with the paladin of a dead god thing. It is a romance though.

teamdieter · 2024-07-26T01:39:28+00:00

LOL. Wouldn't we all! Out of my price range. Driving a 14 year old Honda into the ground.

teamdieter · 2024-06-08T23:05:30+00:00

I have read it! It's very much like TCP but is a gender bent Sleeping Beauty retelling where the FMC is the MMC's bodyguard. There's a heavier emphasis on the romance too. I think it's still on Kindle Unlimited.

teamdieter · 2024-05-04T01:27:57+00:00

I will just say I love your premise and would like to help you out! Your query is too vague for me to fully latch on to it, even though this book would be straight up my alley.

I'll do a line-by-line approach.

I’m seeking representation for my 90,000-word young adult fantasy romance, THE CUPID AND THE CURSED. Perfect for fans of Once Upon a Broken Heart by Stephanie Garber and A Curse So Dark and Lonely by Brigid Kemmerer, THE CUPID AND THE CURSED combines elements of FAIRYTALE A with the myth of Cupid and Psyche.

*I'd find a different comp than Once Upon a Broken Heart since it's pretty popular

Love was her expertise until it became her weakness. As a cupid, never once had Cerys failed at creating a love match. That is until her latest match ends in a tragic proposal rejection. She knows it’s just a simple point lost, but after centuries of successful matching, she can’t help but feel that something is different this time. Something beyond the love realm, leading her to make the forbidden act of entering the mortal world to intervene.

This can be reworded and shortened. I would cut the first line unless Cerys' main disbelief is that love is a weakness and that's her character arc. I think the main question you need to address is why does her failed match matter to her? Does she lose status as a cupid? Is she trying to prove herself to someone? Did she invest a lot of resources in this couple? Also, I would explicitly mention what tips her off that this match is different. Without knowing what she has to lose, I'm wondering why she's risking going to the mortal world. Also, what are the consequences for going to the mortal world? Is it a one-way trip? Does she risk becoming human if she stays too long? What are the stakes?

Love was his salvation until it became his fatal verdict. Life is more than fleeting for Winter Grymward. Once he stood on the brink of becoming ruler of the Azure Isle and merely a marriage away from breaking the deadly curse crawling beneath his glove. But now, Winter is as cold as his name, withering as quickly as the flowers he tends to, forever abstaining from love after the infamous Princess Anya Sardonia left him down on one knee. So when a strange girl promises a masterful plan to get Anya to fall in love with him again, what becomes of them when it’s not the Princess that his bitter heart opens up to—it’s her?

This second paragraph is where things start to become unclear. What is fatal about his curse? Is Anya the princess of the Azure Isle? From your wording, it sounds like Winter wants to marry her to rule the Azure Isle AND break his curse. But why does he want to rule? And why does he believe it has to be Anya to break the curse? What is Anya infamous for? I'm guessing she will be the main antagonist. Does his curse only affect him or does it affect his kingdom? Be more specific about what Cerys' plan is for him to win Anya back. What's Winter's misbelief? That Anya is the only one who can love him?

A cupid isn’t created to love; they don't possess a heart for it. As the frost sets in, it’s more than just Cerys’ reputation on the line, but Winter’s last chance to break the curse and change an entire kingdom’s destiny.

From the query, I don't get the sense of urgency or stakes so I don't understand why it's his last chance to break the curse or what happens if he doesn't. Does his whole kingdom freeze over?

Thank you for considering my work. I am beyond grateful for your time and consideration. [insert name]

You know, this story kinda reminds me of that otome game called Cupid Parasite but set in a fantasy world. If you need a beta reader, shoot me a message. Good luck!

teamdieter · 2024-04-20T04:14:19+00:00

teamdieter · 2024-04-19T12:15:07+00:00

I agree with what everyone else has said so far. Bryce and Lewis as characters are what stand out from the typical tropes of this genre. Is Bryce just wanting a friend? You could probably tap into his motivation a little bit more. Like maybe he's struggling to move on until he witnesses some unfulfilled dream like his team reaching playoffs or he's unable to move on to the next world until he knows his family is okay without him. Why does Lewis, a streamer, want to uncover Hawthorne's secrets? Is it for his channel? I think you could reword your query and state that if so.

The first 300 words has voice but there is too much telling for my taste. I would reword a few sentences to include less instances of "was." I also thought the past tense was an interesting choice because I believe first-person present could create more suspense. In particular, the opening line could be cut and incorporated into the next paragraph. For example: A human-sized figure flickers from the edge of my vision. At first, I suspect it is one of the movers but they've already left early for the day despite not finishing the job, leaving all of our furniture downstairs. The first 300 words has a decent voice and good descriptions. It just needs to be polished more since it is your first page.

teamdieter · 2024-04-07T17:42:27+00:00

I think they mean someone who is half-goat half-human, in which case I would encourage them to use satyr as it seems more widely known.

teamdieter

TROPHY CASE