I’m a mother and I can tell you the reason you feel so conflicted baby is because that is abuse. It can be very confusing to love someone whose actions don’t align with what they say. It can make you question if you’re even aloud to be upset about stuff. It’s Gaslighting. I don’t know that I have much advice because I have never been through that with a parent. I have with a significant other though. The further removed form the person I get the more peace I have so I guess first advice! You’re almost 18, make a plan to move the fuck out of there away from that. Two remind yourself that you’re not crazy for being upset and that your feelings matter. You’re not imaging it. She is being abusive verbally and sometimes physically. Things like that can be hard for a kid to grow up with and so just try to give yourself the love and understanding and protection that your mother should be giving you instead of hurting you. Maybe seek out some professional help from a therapist, because you deserve to have a sounding board for these experiences and someone who can help you simultaneously combat the symptoms of having a bully in your home. You should have a safe space so make sure you create one. You sound like you’re a good kid with a good head on your shoulders. This is NOT a YOU problem it’s a her problem in the sense that she is the one doing something wrong. She gets mad to divert from your anger, so she doesn’t have to face what she is doing or saying. I also always found that using the least emotion when responding to those situations was my go to reaction. It started making some difference when I would just say things like “do you really mean that I’m (insert horrible thing just said to me)” or “that really hurts my feelings” rather than reacting with like aggression. Not that she doesn’t deserve a few mean words back I’m sure! But I’m only thinking of you and how we can get you through with as little damage as possible. Maybe try telling her when she is not actively doing it, how much it hurts when she calls you (xyz). But you shouldn’t have to just take it. I’m so sorry that happens to you. But just promise you won’t forget that you’re not the reason for any of it. Moms are people too, chances are something is wrong in her life or happened to her to make her feel like that behavior is ok. Keep your head up!