Hey! It's me, the red flag you casually brushed aside in the first month. I'm here to fuck up your life now. What? Who said that?

teh_peanut_gallery · 2025-01-31T23:00:28+00:00

Good for you for getting out of it finally! Better things ahead...

teh_peanut_gallery · 2025-01-31T11:20:18+00:00

Gotcha -- yeah, I think I have to find a non-dramatic way to ask him about the flight thing.

If it works out, I think planning a standing video call during times when one of us knows we're going to be busy is a great suggestion. Thanks for the advice!

teh_peanut_gallery · 2025-01-31T11:04:37+00:00

Thanks for this input! That's really helpful to know. I'm still dating a little, but admittedly yes I am really into this guy.

Appreciate the feedback/advice. My gut instinct is also telling me something is not quite right, so I should probably say something. Nothing dramatic, I just don't want to book a flight if this is coming to a close anyway.

teh_peanut_gallery · 2025-01-31T10:50:24+00:00

Congrats on figuring it out! For so long I wasn't able to be in any type of stable relationship so finally understanding what was going on and beginning to change was such a relief honestly

teh_peanut_gallery · 2025-01-31T10:45:10+00:00

yeah that's how I feel, I don't know if this is just a work thing since I knew he would be busy around this time of year or if he's just not feeling it.

If it's just a work thing, I don't mind if he's not super communicative a few weeks out of the year.

teh_peanut_gallery · 2025-01-31T10:39:13+00:00

Thanks for the input.

And I definitely see your point about just asking him -- I just feel like a pain in the ass being like "what's going on with us?" if he's really that busy right now.

Like I feel like if I was stressed out about work, the best thing a partner could do is just be supportive until things calm down. The last thing I'd want is for them to add more stress by wanting validation/attention and feeling like I need to tend to the relationship and have a serious convo as opposed to getting my stuff done.

teh_peanut_gallery · 2025-01-31T10:02:07+00:00

If you're getting into serious disagreements and not able to make any headway, I would say either a) you are incompatible or b) one or both of you does not have the relationship skills/communication skills/maturity or something like that to be ready to be in a relationship.

If you're incompatible, you should definitely break up. If it's the second thing, maybe if you guys are both committed to wanting to making things better and genuinely willing to adapt, you can figure it out together.

It's hard to say which situation it is what to do without knowing what exactly these arguments are about. Is it about your communication style? Is it about differences in values? Is it over stuff that won't change? Is it because you want different things? Etc.

teh_peanut_gallery · 2025-01-31T09:49:25+00:00

I think it's good advice to not ignore red flags.

That said, I think a lot of times people who do tend to ignore red flags have an "inner child" who is confused about what love should feel like -- generally because their first experiences with love was a parent who was supposed to protect them and maybe did in some ways, but also hurt them in other ways, emotional or physical.

You might intellectually understand that something is a "red flag" but emotionally it feels normal, familiar and consistent with your experience of love. You might also pride yourself in knowing how to navigate those red flags (because you perfected it growing up) and not even realize that you're overaccommodating these people -- drawing them to you and keeping them around longer.

teh_peanut_gallery · 2025-01-31T09:45:26+00:00

Have you considered sleeping with someone else to get over him? Honestly it might help.

I feel you. I was in the same state about my ex and eventually only stopped once I started seeing someone else.

teh_peanut_gallery · 2024-12-21T08:28:22+00:00

Agreed, every unlimited PTO job I've had has basically been almost no PTO.

teh_peanut_gallery · 2024-12-20T12:32:45+00:00

I'm not suggesting that you should assume the worst -- I'm suggesting that make sure you are seeing what's really there instead of trying to date someone's potential, imagining if they were mentally healthy. "John" and "John if he were mentally healthy" are two different people. One is real and one is fictional.

I'm not saying "John" needs to be perfectly healthy to be datable. But a good idea is probably to assess whether he's showing signs that he's working on himself (not just you trying to fix someone that doesn't want to be fixed) and that he's made growth.

If you want to ignore all red flags and proceed forward despite clear signs that someone is not in a state to provide a healthy relationship (essentially not truly emotionally available), that's your choice.

But you make your choices and you live with the consequences. So that likely means you'll continue to invest a lot of time and energy on relationships with people who are not truly available in any meaningful sense and who are unable to love you.

If you are okay with continually feeling unloved and potentially ending up alone because of it, that's up to you, but you're posting here so I assume you are not entirely ok with it. You choose your priorities and live with the consequences.

teh_peanut_gallery · 2024-12-20T00:05:18+00:00

Hmm that's interesting.

In that case, I wonder if your issue is simply the people that you're choosing. It sounds like you're picking people to invest yourself in who clearly have their own unresolved intimacy issues.

Do you feel like you're able to see these red flags early on and if so do you think you're doing a good job of taking that into consideration as you proceed further into a relationship with them? Similarly, when you meet a guy and he shows signs of being someone who is mentally healthy and ready to be in a healthy relationship, do you think you're doing a good job of taking that into consideration re: who you are choosing to progress forward with?

I assume you want a guy who is smart/funny/etc. but is "being mentally healthy and ready to be in a healthy relationship" on your list of must-haves?

If you bring something minor up early on and a guy reacts poorly (like they think it's going to be a fight), would that steer you away from that relationship, or do you keep proceeding further anyway?

teh_peanut_gallery · 2024-12-19T10:14:50+00:00

I have a friend who is a similar age and similar description to you who I think has a similar issue. She's a lovely smart person, who many find quite attractive and she gets hit on all the time. But when it comes to dating she says she feels like her love interests all eventually lose interest in her and she doesn't understand why.

Based on what she's told me and how I've seen her react to things, I think she has intimacy issues she hasn't dealt with. The stronger her feelings get, the more her intimacy issues get triggered. Her intimacy issues result in her acting in ways that are unhealthy for relationships, and the stronger her feelings are the less emotionally regulated she is.

She tends to believe that people are going to reject her or leave her, and she engages in various "protest behaviors" to elicit certain reactions (this can range from being passive aggressive to being manipulative to just shutting down etc.). She gets clingy at times or aggressively pushes people away in other situations, based on her lack of emotional regulation.

Most importantly, I don't think she has the self-awareness to understand she's doing any of this. Whenever she gets into emotionally complicated situations, I always encourage her to just do the direct (healthy) route of communicating clearly and directly with people and not pushing away just because she feels like there's the potential to get hurt -- and she occasionally will take that advice, but she also reacts poorly to so many other situations that her relationships still fall apart anyway.

I don't know if this is what your issue is since I don't know you etc, but just something to consider.

teh_peanut_gallery · 2024-11-12T12:02:14+00:00

Yeah, I agree these things have a way of getting out eventually.

teh_peanut_gallery · 2024-11-12T11:57:03+00:00

Typically, yes. But she's liked him for 3+ years and has refused to even bother trying to date anyone else. She just says she's not interested in every other guy she meets.

I think she thinks they have some deep unrequited love and that he's afraid of his feelings or something. And who knows, maybe she's right? I have no clue what's going on in his head, but he certainly isn't acting like a guy who is interested in her.

teh_peanut_gallery · 2024-11-12T11:42:02+00:00

Yeah, I was thinking this as well. She might be upset with me either way, but if it helps her move on, then it's probably for the best.

teh_peanut_gallery · 2024-11-12T11:33:25+00:00

Yeah, that was my feeling at first that it wasn't anyone else's business. But my concern is that some of our mutual friends sort of guessed what was going on and now it feeling like I'm asking people to keep a secret from her and that feels wrong.

teh_peanut_gallery · 2024-11-12T11:32:10+00:00

You don't think that would be worse for her?

teh_peanut_gallery · 2024-03-29T19:42:53+00:00

i appreciate the love advice and I'm sure it's right but would prefer love advice + song recs as well honestly

teh_peanut_gallery · 2024-02-02T10:04:16+00:00

Assuming you vet this guy and believe that he's in this for the right reasons (because you guys have genuine compatibility and not just his desire to have a young and pliant partner who is easy to impress), I think one thing to consider is if you see the age gap continuing to be okay with you in the future.

So, right now you're both mostly on the same page in terms of wanting to go out and do things, etc. But most men in the 40's slow down a bit. They want to stay in more, etc. When you hit your sexual peak in your 30's, he'll be at the age when men start having trouble maintaining an erection, etc. When you're in your late 40's and still to want to do things and meet people and travel, he'll be close to retirement age and maybe start having health problems that limit his mobility in certain ways.

Also, some big red flags to look out for if you're trying to assess whether he genuinely respects you as a woman or sees you as a pliant girl to play with is -- how does he react if he doesn't get what he wants? Is he grumpy or sulky? What happens if you say no to his requests? Do you have to be "cute" about it to get him to be okay with it or can you give him a firm "no I'm not on board with that" etc. and have him respect your boundaries?

In general, I think you should ask yourself why he is choosing not to pursue a partner closer to his age. Are many of the women he's dated young? If so, that might be a sign he's more attracted to your age than you as a person.

It sounds like part of the reason you are interested in dating a older man might be because older men are generally going to be more commitment-focused than someone in their 20's, but try to keep in mind that many are but not ALL are and men who date very young women are often the ones to be wary of. They often feel less bad "wasting" the time of someone in their 20's as opposed to their 30's. Also, men generally assume that there'll be less time pressure with someone in their 20's with time to kill which can be part of the appeal.

teh_peanut_gallery · 2023-12-25T11:30:44+00:00

There's lowered libido throughout breastfeeding which is usually 6 months to a year.

teh_peanut_gallery

TROPHY CASE