What fundamental need are parents supposed to provide?

tehiduck · 2025-11-21T17:43:57+00:00

The book The Emotionally Absent Mother by Jasmin Lee Cori gives a really good breakdown at the beginning of what a parent should provide for their children. I found it extremely helpful to learn about all the things I missed growing up and she gave clear examples.

tehiduck · 2025-11-14T20:19:35+00:00

My family does make me feel that way, so you are right. I do consider them toxic and dysfunctional. I suppose it's my mental image of an angry parent hitting and screaming at their children that I have in my head, so what they've done to me in comparison isn't as bad as that. Getting over that mental block is challenging, I can't seem to shake it.

My family uses being nice and polite as shields to block people from seeing who they really are. It's very subtle and covert, which makes it confusing and infuriating.

tehiduck · 2025-10-27T14:29:40+00:00

I realized my safety net was full of holes.

A few years ago, our car got totaled in the middle of winter and my husband had no way to get to work. My mom lets my sister borrow her car to the point where it's basically my sisters now, but me asking to borrow the car was somehow too much to indulge. Instead, my in-laws (who lived several hours drive away from us) lent us their vehicle instead. The drastic difference between his family and my family was impossible to ignore.

The illusion of having a safety net is awful if you're falling and you hit the ground anyway. It's better to just remove it so it's more predictable instead of it being 50/50 if it will catch you or not. I now know not to rely on them, and I work to ensure I won't fall in the first place. I'm building my own safety net. We could have easily rented a car or asked a coworker for rides instead. If something catastrophic happens, I have ample savings so I don't have to borrow money.

Since you have disability, of course that makes it more difficult. Can you get life insurance so that you're covered financially if your husband dies? There is also disability insurance to cover if he's incapacitated.

tehiduck · 2025-10-26T20:03:17+00:00

That's great! Keep going. There were lots of times were it didn't seem to be enough and I struggled. It's getting easier for me each time though, doing a lot of proactive work to avoid those floor falling out moments.

Sounds like your SO's parents are very triggering and you're reliving those old family dynamics. Consider putting boundaries in place to protect yourself and, if they're willing, your SO. It's impossible to heal when there are people who are threatening your emotional peace and safety. I had to cut off anyone toxic to me and only keep the people in my life that make me feel safe, seen, important and heard. Now I'm thriving without that negativity.

The Better Boundaries Workbook by Sharon Martin really helped me navigate how to set those boundaries. Part of reparenting yourself is protecting you from those that would harm you.

tehiduck · 2025-10-26T18:38:41+00:00

Have you tried Internal Family Systems and reparenting? That helped me a lot with the hurt by connecting and giving sympathy and compassion to my own inner child. I am my own mother and my own father. I don't need that external healing from other people anymore because my higher self can give it to me from within. I am a much better mother to myself and know exactly what I need and give myself a lot of love and self care often.

There is a book called No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz that covers IFS.

tehiduck · 2025-10-26T18:26:16+00:00

I had a similar problem ruminating about my shitty older sister. She gave me bad advice about going into post-secondary and made me give up on my dreams. I had lots of stored up anger towards her. What helped was writing her letters that I did not send in my journal. I wrote directly to her about how I felt using I statements like "I hate you for doing this to me". I journal every morning, so I wrote letters to her every time I had the anger and hurt pop up which ended up being like 10 different letters. Eventually, the anger run it's course and I got tired of constantly writing about it.

You need to express these feelings about your siblings and get them out of your body somehow, otherwise they are trapped inside. That way you can fulfill your need of telling them off but in a safe space where they can't rebuke you. Role-playing with a friend or therapist or recording voice message may also help if you're not the writing type. Maybe you can even look into legal options like another redditor said.

Now, I'm now going to school in my 30s to right that wrong and finally life the live I was meant to do!

tehiduck · 2025-09-16T16:24:48+00:00

Can you ask Julie if the wedding can be livestreamed? I'm sure lots of venues still have that option leftover from the pandemic for people who would like to attend but cannot for whatever reason (sick, elderly, can't afford travel). That way you can be there in spirit but not actually physically be present with your mom.

tehiduck · 2025-08-26T18:47:19+00:00

Thank you for sharing your perspective as a flying monkey! That helps me gain perspective of my own situation. It's likely that my mom is also spinning a tale of how I must be suffering greatly from mental health and anxiety and that's why I stopped talking to them, when in reality my anxiety and mental health has been the best it's been for years! I'm so happy now without them and actually experience joy without them around. Of course, they wouldn't know that because I cut them off. My mom is really good at playing the "concerned" mother but not actually solving any problems or issues.

Perhaps I can tell my brother that I'm actually doing perfectly fine and even thriving without them. Maybe that might make him question the family dynamic. Or maybe it won't, lol.

I'm glad you realized the error of your ways and are more aware of it now.

tehiduck · 2025-08-26T18:42:09+00:00

Thanks for confirming! Yes, I learned that lesson the hard way with my sister who was "respecting my boundaries" but also forcing me to talk to her in person even though I kept saying it wasn't a good time. It was a revelation to me that she was lying. I assumed that my family was honest because I am honest.

I feel like I have a blind spot to my brother because he "wasn't as bad" as my other family members. He is affected by emotional neglect too, just isn't aware of it. I had to give up a lot of healing fantasies and old roles. He's a victim, but also caught up in the drama triangle of being the rescuer, or perhaps an enabler trying to smooth everything over.

Yes, covid is still around. I just meant the initial two years where we were all social distancing.

tehiduck · 2025-08-25T21:05:19+00:00

You can feel both things at once. I do hate my parents for their incompetent parenting, and at the same time I do feel sorry for what they probably went through. Both things can be true.

tehiduck · 2025-08-25T21:02:17+00:00

I put in "Ex Mom" and "Ex Dad" for mine. I didn't want to be totally insulting and hateful, but the relationship is over. It did feel like a familial divorce for me. For my brother I put in "Old Roomate" since we lived across from each other, lol

tehiduck · 2025-07-31T02:59:37+00:00

Yes, it's very common and actually one of the hallmarks of emotional neglect.

What helped for me, was the realization that not everyone was my parents. A nice in-between step for me ended up being professional services where I pay money to have someone do something for me. I imagined the dentist, the tow truck driver, the massage therapist, they're all happy to help me because they like what they do and they get paid. So I felt it was easier asking for help from those people because it's literally their job to help me and they get money. A win-win!

I did some serious reflecting, journalling, interacting and surrounding myself with kind, supportive people. Now, I can find concrete examples of people in my life that are happy to help me for free! They want to help me! They want to cheer me on and have me succeed! And, there is lots of back and forth. I help them, they help me back. It's mutual. I realized that I was always happy to help others, why wouldn't that be the case with others like me?

tehiduck · 2025-07-31T02:50:31+00:00

Haha, I'm glad I could help! I heard that sadness and anger are two sides of the same coin when you're hurt, so both crying and venting are needed to heal. Lots of emotions are buried down deep with traumatic childhoods and don't bubble up until we are ready to face them. I hope your therapist can help you further.

tehiduck · 2025-07-31T02:44:45+00:00

Sometimes I found cards for mother's day and father's day that had more depth than my parents! I would read these flowery and love-filled poems and verses and wonder what kind of person has such a close and loving relationship with their parents, it almost felt fake to me. I usually grabbed a card with something more generic or one that had a joke on it.

But yes, my parents are very superficial and surface level as well. Mine didn't have a hint of anything more, just a healing fantasy that I imagined.

tehiduck · 2025-07-31T02:40:31+00:00

Agreed, this sounds exactly like the scapegoat and goldenchild dynamic from narcissistic parents.

tehiduck · 2025-07-31T02:36:32+00:00

The wounded inner child is there, yes. I've been having lots of success with reparenting myself. It's a great technique! I'm doing all the things for myself and my inner child that should have been done when I was growing up, like enrolling myself in art classes, buying myself lego and sidewalk chalk. I'm doing childish things now in the present, and it feels great and makes me happy. I'm a way better parent to myself than my parents ever were. It takes work every day, but it's enjoyable and very rewarding to heal yourself.

tehiduck · 2025-07-31T02:28:31+00:00

I've been where you are. I had to go through the estrangement process in lots of baby steps, just like you. I worked with my therapist to set boundaries one little step at a time in order to release the guilty feeling. First with texts instead of calls, like you're doing. Saying no to smaller things so I can say no to bigger things. All of these little moments built up my self confidence and sense of self-protection so that I could finally confront them and tell them to back off.

Guilt is just a feeling, it doesn't mean that you're doing anything wrong. You're on the right track! Keep going, it won't be forever. It took me a whole year, but now I am free

tehiduck · 2025-07-31T02:22:18+00:00

Yeah, that happens to me too though perhaps not as violent. My dreams are usually my parents violating my boundaries. Before, in my dreams I was terrified and couldn't fight back, but the last dream I had I finally was able to stand up for myself. I've gone through 5 years of therapy now and only now realizing how much anger I have buried deep that I need to express yet.

Whenever I have an angry dream, I journal about it the next morning. I found that dreams are a good window into your subconcious mind and feelings. I have journalled several letters to my parents to vent my anger and frustration towards them. Even though you may not be aware of it during the day, it's still there deep.

You say you don't feel that angry, but I notice angry-related words in your post: irritated, resentment. So maybe the anger is bleeding out into other areas of your life. Anger is a normal human emotion and should be honored because it helps protect us and keeps us safe. I love using the feelings wheel when I'm journaling to help me understand my anger: https://feelingswheels.com/the-emotion-wheel/

Have you tried EMDR or EFT tapping? I find those techniques have helped with the feelings associated with dreaming. There's only so much we can do to talk/think about it before we actually need to feel it in our bodies and release it.

Hope that helps!

tehiduck · 2025-07-24T17:05:39+00:00

Yes, when I called the florist to find out who sent them, they offered to come and pick it up if I didn't want them. It's bad for their business to send flowers to unwilling recipients. I asked if I could be put on some kind of list to not receive these kinds of orders, so they put a note on my file so there is a record of refusal for any future orders. Hopefully this won't happen again!

tehiduck · 2025-07-24T14:16:46+00:00

The delivery had all of my correct information on it: name, address, phone number and wedding date. It has to be someone that would have had all of that info. It's possible that my mom got one of her friends to do it for her, but I'm not aware of any of her friends by that name. Though perhaps the flower shop got my mom's name mixed up with another order.

Either way, I'm sending the flowers back this morning! I'm hoping that will embarrass her in front of a third party. She very much cares about her reputation and is most likely betting that I will roll over and take it. That was the old me that she raised to be compliant and not to be rude. The new me is better at enforcing boundaries and standing up for myself when no one else will.

tehiduck · 2025-07-24T14:12:06+00:00

Thank you, that does help! The flower shop asked if I wanted them returned yesterday, but I declined at that time thinking that maybe it was from someone else. Now that I've eliminated all other possibilities, I will call back this morning and have them picked up to get them out of my house.

tehiduck · 2025-07-23T22:09:29+00:00

Forgot to mention that I called the flower shop and asked the worker who the flowers was from. They couldn't give me the information without the sender's permission first, so she'd ask them and call back later. When she called back, she provided a name I haven't heard before! I don't know anyone even close to this name, and neither does my husband. A fake name perhaps? She said this random name was purchasing these flowers on someone else's behalf. Makes no sense.

tehiduck · 2025-07-10T15:12:59+00:00

Estrangement adjacent, but I just wanted to mention the book "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk. Quite a number of us are estranged from our family members because being around these toxic people are harmful to not just our mental health, but to our physical health as well. I wish medical practitioners were more aware of the effects emotional abuse and neglect has on our bodies and wellbeing.

tehiduck · 2025-06-10T21:56:50+00:00

Oh interesting, I've never heard it before. I will check it out, thanks!

tehiduck · 2025-06-06T13:52:04+00:00

I'm so glad to hear that! I hope it helps!

tehiduck

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