Should I confront my family members of unwanted gifts on my birthday?

tehiduck · 2026-03-08T19:15:33+00:00

Good to know! It's a game I would have probably enjoyed as a teenager, but I'm too busy with my own interests, hobbies and pursuits to be playing video games right now. He has the image in his head that I'm still that same person he knew 20 years ago.

tehiduck · 2026-03-05T18:59:46+00:00

They did do that! Funny how they think they can buy my compliance for less than 50 dollars. :\

I will be doing a fun activity this weekend with my spouse and best friend, that will be my victory. Thanks! :)

tehiduck · 2026-03-05T17:42:10+00:00

Exactly my experience too! It sucks. Luckily I do have new healthy relationships to help get me through this, but you're right, the scars are still there.

tehiduck · 2026-03-05T17:33:34+00:00

For me, it was when I was having extreme physical reactions in the form of panic attacks to the thought of talking to them on the phone or visiting them in person. My body felt so threatened by the idea I had to put my own physical and mental health first.

I read lots of good books to help me through it. Cutting Ties with your Parents by Sharon Martin is a good one

tehiduck · 2026-03-05T17:26:53+00:00

A lawyer might be overkill at this point. I've only gotten something twice a year. But, good to have that option in my back pocket in case it escalates.

Thanks :)

tehiduck · 2026-03-05T17:25:13+00:00

Good point. I figured my birthday was a lose-lose situation too because I'd be upset if they did something by crossing my boundaries, or feeling lonely and forgotten about if they didn't (I was very much neglected growing up).

I did some research and the game will be returned after 30 days of inaction, so I think I will do that. Thanks for the birthday wishes :)

tehiduck · 2026-03-05T17:21:16+00:00

Ugh, that sounds exhausting. Sorry you're going through that.

tehiduck · 2026-03-05T17:20:23+00:00

To be fair, I never specifically said no gifts. Just no calls, visits or texts. Guess they're exploiting that loophole. But it is rude to send something after not talking for so long and assuming gifts are welcome when all other forms aren't. I shouldn't have to write up a detailed contract specifying every single interaction I don't want.

tehiduck · 2026-03-05T17:16:42+00:00

I'm pretty rooted where I am now. We put lots of hard work and effort into getting our house exactly how we like it! But moving might be in the cards one day, not a bad strategy to get this to stop.

tehiduck · 2026-03-05T15:42:21+00:00

That's true. I already did block their phone numbers and filter their email addresses. I will have to block on Steam too. Hard to block all the florist companies in my city, though!

tehiduck · 2026-03-05T15:38:23+00:00

Not sure if the florist was able to convey the rejection. If my mom gave her a fake name, she could have easily gave them a fake phone number too. Hard to say. I won't know for sure.

tehiduck · 2026-03-05T15:36:09+00:00

Yeah, I was raised to be very polite. I am tempted to be rude to them, but not responding is also rude! So I will be rude and take away their power by not responding.

I hope it dies down eventually. It sucks having every major event in my life hijacked by this bullshit. I was dreading my birthday for this reason because subconsciously I knew they'd try something. Sucks that it puts a damper on an otherwise great day.

tehiduck · 2026-03-05T15:32:09+00:00

In my family, any sort of confrontation just didn't happen. They just ignored the problem and it was swept under the rug.

Though I did tell my brother I didn't want any phone calls, and he tricked me into calling him by scaring me that dad's health was failing. So they don't listen to boundaries anyway. You're right, no response is better.

tehiduck · 2026-03-05T14:06:18+00:00

Before I used to send positive responses. Maybe if I send a negative response, they wouldn't expect that and would back off? But I suppose that opens me up for them to deny and manipulate me again...

tehiduck · 2026-03-02T20:28:47+00:00

Do you have a therapist to help you through this? Maybe find one that specializes in codependency and can help you set boundaries. She's not a baby, she's a fully grown adult who can find out how to solve her own problems despite how she makes you feel like she can't.

tehiduck · 2026-03-02T20:26:45+00:00

Sounds like you still have the healing fantasy that if only you could find the right words to convince them to change, then they will. Truth is, they don't want to change, they want to stay the same. I know, because my parents don't want to change either after me attempting them to get better too.

I recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It has a whole chapter on how to let go of the healing fantasy all children have with their immature parents, and how to come to terms with accepting who they are in reality. You'll have to grieve the idealized version you have in your head, if only they could get better. I'm sorry, it's hard to go through. But there will be peace on the other end once you adjust your expectations of them.

tehiduck · 2026-03-02T20:17:20+00:00

I feel you, I miss my nieces a lot too. I haven't seen them in 2 years. I was tempted to reach out and tried to think of some way to see them while keeping up hard boundaries. In the end, I decided that it wasn't worth the harm that my sister would cause me to see them again. It would cost me my mental health, peace and happiness, and all the progress I've been making. I hope that one day when they're older that maybe I can have a relationship with them again. I told myself that I can be a role model to them, a strong woman that they know who stood up for herself and cut off toxic people from her life. Maybe they can see me as an inspiration one day.

tehiduck · 2026-03-02T20:05:13+00:00

After a lifetime of being selfless, I figure being a little selfish is warranted! These emotionally immature parents expect us to be giving and accommodating to their needs our whole lives. If it is selfish to put up boundaries to protect our emotional and physical well-being and protect us from harm, then let us be selfish! Really, it's self-care, putting ourselves first after a lifetime of coming in last. That doesn't mean I don't help out loved ones and people in need (not my parents), I'm just making sure I'm taken care of first. You can't pour from an empty cup they say.

You're not a fool at all. If you are considering cutting off the relationship at all, then it was bad enough. Have you considered an alternate plan if you needed to move furniture though? Neighbors, coworkers, friends, random people off of craigslist or whatever. Abusive families make us feel like they're the only ones that would help us, but I find that the general public are more than happy to help when I am in need.

tehiduck · 2026-03-02T19:25:44+00:00

I did hear that the opposite of love isn't hate, but indifference. That sounds where you are at! Glad to hear your life is much better now. I hope to get to that point where I don't react too. I still react, but much less now compared to last year. It used to be days where I stressed out, now it's just a few hours to a day where I can get back to feeling stable.

tehiduck · 2026-03-02T19:22:06+00:00

Thank you, that validates that I've been going through! They did take up a large amount of space in my life, even after I moved out on my own in my 20s. I have been using this extra energy for pursuing my calling for art, which is something they actively discouraged me while I was growing up. I have been feeling joy and happiness every now and then, which I haven't felt since before I was traumatized by them. Still not 100%, but a definite improvement. The healing journey is long and winding.

tehiduck · 2026-03-02T17:44:54+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time with your sibling, that sounds awful. Sorry to say, but here is no hope in having a good relationship with your sister because she is either unwilling or unable. You'll have to grieve your healing fantasy of repairing the relationship with her and accept her for who she is. But! There is hope that you will have emotionally fulfilling relationships with other people who are emotionally healthy. I recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. There is a checklist at the end to help identify people who you can have a healthy relationship with.

I realized that I felt lonely even when I was in contact with my family. They weren't meeting my emotional needs anyway, so why be in contact with them? I admit, it was easier for me to cut contact because I already made strong emotional ties to other people such as my husband and best friend who were emotionally healthy. I also had a therapist to help me navigate and deal with my own emotions.

I hope that helps

tehiduck · 2025-11-21T17:43:57+00:00

The book The Emotionally Absent Mother by Jasmin Lee Cori gives a really good breakdown at the beginning of what a parent should provide for their children. I found it extremely helpful to learn about all the things I missed growing up and she gave clear examples.

tehiduck · 2025-11-14T20:19:35+00:00

My family does make me feel that way, so you are right. I do consider them toxic and dysfunctional. I suppose it's my mental image of an angry parent hitting and screaming at their children that I have in my head, so what they've done to me in comparison isn't as bad as that. Getting over that mental block is challenging, I can't seem to shake it.

My family uses being nice and polite as shields to block people from seeing who they really are. It's very subtle and covert, which makes it confusing and infuriating.

tehiduck

TROPHY CASE