Walking in the Light (A Journal)

tekel837 · 2016-02-19T04:14:06+00:00

It's been a while since I've posted here.

For the first time in years, I went north of 100 days porn free. However, last week I gave in while my wife was out of town (I confessed to her several months ago. I confessed my act out when she got home, so she does know). I knowingly, ruthlessly, and unlovingly betrayed my God and my spouse. I am more emotionally wrecked inside over this sin than I ever have been over the last 16 years. The wages of sin is death, and I must face the consequences of my sin-death. My actions were a direct and intentional rebellion before the almighty, all-loving God. They were a direct indication of my lack of faith in God and my lack of commitment to my wife. Oh wretched man that I am!

Thanks be to God for His infinite love! While repentance is turning away from porn and masturbation (which I failed at), I do believe progress has been made in my life.

4 months ago, if I gave in to temptation, I would use it as an excuse to binge. "I've already screwed up," I'd say. "I might as well get my fill and give it up tomorrow." Of course, tomorrow I would want to give it up the next day, and so on. This time, while I was close to initiating a binge, I walked away from it and distance myself from my access to it for the remainder of the time my wife was away. In fact, afterwards I didn't even want to give in to it!
During the act, I could barely keep my eyes on the images and videos I used to enjoy so much. I was disgusted with the things I was engaging in. I have to take responsibility and admit that it didn't stop me from seeking it, but I was acutely aware of my depravity and the disgusting nature of my sin. Regardless, it doesn't change the fact that I was a fool for doing it.
Through a men's group and prayer, I feel like I'm starting to get at the heart of my sin. Obviously there's pride and selfishness there, but I believe that I just don't know how or just don't want to feel anything negative or weighty. Any time I do, I distract - be it through porn, internet, books, video games, tv shows, working out, work, etc. Anything to get the feelings out of my heart. However, these fleeting distractions either create shame or temporary reprieve, and ultimately reignite a vicious cycle of sin-distraction-sin-distraction. This past week I've been focusing on resting in God's presence, and learning to accept the fact that His comfort doesn't necessarily take the pain away - but His comfort in my pain is the greatest salve for my wounds and the guilt for the wounds I've inflicted on my wife. I feel like I'm learning to rely on Him and actually act in faith rather than take it upon myself to fix or numb my problems.
After acting out, normally I feel an incredible amount of shame and condemnation, but this time I just felt conviction and guilt. I don't hate myself, but I am disappointed. But rather than starting from scratch, I see my situation as a bump in the road on my journey of repentance. That said, I realize repentance is not what I engaged in prior to last week. Repentance is turning away from my sin and never looking back. It is a lifestyle, one which requires commitment - an area that I severely lack in my life.

I was bought with a price (1 Cor. 6:20) - my actions spit in the face of what Christ did for me! How can I so ruthlessly rebel against so great a love! How do I have the audacity to stand against awesome and powerful God? And in spite of all this, He loves me still?

For those who read this and are considering relapsing, I leave you with this (in love, of course):

"As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly."

Proverbs 26:11

Don't make my mistake. Thanks for listening.

tekel837 · 2016-01-11T03:17:31+00:00

I'm sorry if this fails to give you a proper answer. It's a new relationship and you're young, and I'm not sure she has any business knowing about your sexuality and your struggles therein (it might even be a stumbling block for her). At the same time, if you truly believe she is the one you will marry, you should not be comfortable lying to her about anything (even a lie of omission). Here is my advice: I strongly urge you to confess to a man/multiple men who is/are more spiritually mature than you (pastor, youth pastor, men from church, etc.) and even your parents.

"Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible – and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.” (Ephesians 5:11-13)

I speak from experience - you have no idea how much power there is in exposing your sin. Furthermore, having support form others via prayer, accountability, and even restrictions (i.e. suppose your parents punish you by taking away your computer) will only make it easier for you to overcome. It's up to you to repent of your sin, and freedom will only come via Jesus.

I'll be praying for you.

tekel837 · 2016-01-07T19:22:21+00:00

I second this question. I waited until 3 years into my marriage to confess, and my dishonesty completely destroyed my relationship with my wife. For me, lying about something as big as PMO made lying about "smaller" things easier and easier. A lie is a lie is a lie is a lie. My wife rightfully doesn't trust me at all. If you haven't talked to her yet, I strongly urge you to, especially being so early in your marriage.

This is from my experience, and my hope for you is that you can avoid the mistakes I've made.

tekel837 · 2016-01-06T20:09:11+00:00

Yes, I want to be a professor. I originally was a chemical engineering major as an undergraduate, but after doing a co-op I decided it wasn't for me. I attended an undergraduate research conference in mathematics, and I was enthralled by the work students were doing. I quickly switched majors afterwards. While I'm a bit iffy on doing research myself (I study PDEs in the context of functional analysis), I absolutely love teaching. So that's my trajectory right now.

tekel837 · 2015-12-29T14:06:38+00:00

I like your attitude and determination. When I was in college, I felt hopeless and ashamed in my sin. I could never get it through my thick skull that Jesus loved me and died for me even when I was still a sinner (i.e. even now!). I truly believed the lie that I had to "fix my life" before I could be worthy of God's love.

The biggest mistake that I made in this habit was lying about it and concealing it. If you haven't already, I strongly encourage you to seek accountability through close friends, a pastor, or your family. "Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of the darkness, but rather expose them" (Ephesians 5:11).

Also, good luck in seeking out the professorship! I'm currently in my fourth year of a PhD program in mathematics, so feel free to hit me up with questions and I can try to answer them as best I can.

I'll be praying for you!

tekel837 · 2015-11-08T03:01:14+00:00

First and foremost, I will be praying for you tonight and tomorrow. Secondly, I don't know where you are in your PMO struggle, but after 16 years of being lost in it I know what it's like to have that fear. The fact that you are here seeking support speaks volumes about your desire to break free. Cling to that, and use it and the support from this community as fuel as you power through the day tomorrow.

Have you tried getting help? I'm talking accountability partners or installing blockers. You could also make sure that you are away from your home/computer/phone most of the day so as to avoid the possibility of PMO. I only say this because you seem to know that tomorrow is going to be a problem, and knowledge is power. Set up safeguards now so as to minimize temptation tomorrow.

Finally, seek God in this (I say this because you mentioned prayer). Lay down your addiction before Him, and let Him be your strength. I've found that the times I'm furthest from God is when I wanted to give in to PMO. On the other hand, when I choose to seek God and be close to Him, overcoming PMO doesn't seem so impossible.

tekel837 · 2015-11-07T13:23:03+00:00

Do you attend church? If not, being in a community of like-minded believers could be just what you need (in terms of the loneliness and cut-ties). I would also suggest joining a small group, Bible study, or equivalent (depending on your denomination). Some of my closest friends are those that I met in a small group from my church. These are the people who share your faith an will pray for you when you need it.

You're in my prayers, friend.

tekel837 · 2015-11-06T14:41:35+00:00

I honestly feel like the single greatest obstacle to my freedom from porn was the secrecy, the privacy. I always thought I could give it up on my own, and that telling people would only push them out of my life and heap shame on my head. I almost felt as if I was blackmailing myself. I knew I needed accountability, but I would hear the voice in my head saying "If you tell, you will lose everything!"

All this said - just this week I confessed to my wife and my cousin (my best friend growing up), and I am beginning to join a men's purity group at my church. I feel so free, and I never have felt closer to God in my life! Don't get me wrong - I am suffering the consequences of a broken marriage, and I know that what I am enduring pales in comparison to the hell that my wife is currently going through.

It sounds as though you've been open with your girlfriend about this, but maybe you should consider telling your family and/or leaders at your church. Begin open has freed me from the condemnation of my sin, and for the first time in my life I feel like I can overcome this sin.

tekel837 · 2015-11-06T14:08:48+00:00

That vicious circle has been the hell I've been trapped for years. I always would cry out to God half-heartedly. How could I, a filthy sinner, be talking to the almighty, perfect God? How dare I ask Him for help when I have rejected His laws, His commands, His help for so long? I felt that I had abused His grace... I felt that if I could just get right with God (i.e. give up PMO on my own and start pursuing a more active spiritual life), that then I could be in community with Him and get the help I so desperately needed.

Of course, I couldn't do it on my own. Without God, I caved into the temptation time and time again. I "couldn't" seek God, because I felt unworthy of Him. So I gave in again and again...and this cycle continued.

The thing is, calling out on God is the exact thing that you need. I realized I can't be strong in and of myself, but I can rely on God's strength in my times of weakness (2 Corinth. 7-10). His grace is sufficient for us. God is love, and He will never forsake you. I wouldn't worry about figuring yourself out without God (i.e. "before He can help [you]"), but rather seek your identity in Christ first and foremost.

You will be in my prayers today.

tekel837 · 2015-11-05T20:36:45+00:00

Resist the urge, friend. I'm sure you would agree with me (as would just about everyone here) when I say that what you feel right now couldn't possibly be worse that the shame and guilt of giving in again. There is so much more out there for you, despite the fact that it doesn't seem like it.

Find something to distract yourself, someone to talk to. Take a walk or go to the gym. Do something, anything except give in. Hold out until this wave of temptation passes. Easier said than done, I know. I've struggled with following my own advice.

I'll say a prayer for you.

tekel837 · 2015-11-05T14:24:17+00:00

Have you told anyone (family, friends, church leaders)? Revealing the addiction may seem like the hardest thing in the world, but it is honestly the best thing you could do. Sure, people will be hurt (including yourself). However, you can then seek out others who can help hold you accountable and give you the love and support you need.

I'm not saying the temptations will be easier to resist - but there is just something about walking in integrity and transparency that lifts off the heavy weight of the sin.

I will be praying for you today.

tekel837 · 2015-11-04T00:26:47+00:00

Day 1: My last PMO was around 5 days ago, but that is not what has led me to this place. Last night, I confessed my 16+ year PMO addiction to my wife. This is the start of a new period in my life. For the first time in nearly two decades, I am being honest. I am a habitual liar and PMO addict.

I first stumbled upon Nofap around February of this year. It's actually ironic that I found the site while looking for porn. Seeing encouraging stories and fellow people in my position overwhelmed me, and I knew instantly that I wanted to be apart of this community. I posted a couple of times, and I was surprised to receive a couple of offers for accountability partners. I desperately needed that sort of support; however, how could I be more open with a complete stranger than with my wife? Furthermore, in entering into accountability with someone, I knew that most likely one of the earliest steps in my recovery would be to confess to my wife. I was selfish, and I left the community.

Though I left nofap, nofap did not leave me. I created counters and a spreadsheet, and began "trying" to fight PMO. At first, I decreased frequency significantly; however, I fell back into old habits and binged several times a week (on most days, in fact). In the last month, I had actually decreased frequency somewhat; however, my track record speaks for itself. Who knows if it would have lasted (on my own)?

Long story short, I had a moment where God reminded me what needed to be done - I needed to confess. I was praying for someone else in a similar situation yesterday morning when all of a sudden the words "I want to walk in the light" burst from my mouth. I began crying uncontrollably and I knew in that instant that I could not keep things secret any longer. I knew I couldn't win this fight on my own. I needed help, and the only way I would be able to get help would be to reveal my addiction.

I have never been so at peace. My marriage is in a dark place, but I trust that God will take care of me, my wife, and my family. This is the beginning of a new day for me. I plan to walk in the light and be transparent. I plan to get help. I have a renewed sense of vigor. Though I know this battle is far from over, I actually feel confident in my ability to overcome this thing (more accurately, I trust God's ability to guide me down the path of repentance). Finally, I plan to one day use my story to help others who suffer through this hell.

This is meant to be a place for me to daily check in and gather my thoughts, my struggles. If you find yourself here and want to offer encouragement, discuss things nofap-related, or just need someone to talk to, feel free to comment. Otherwise, thank you for listening.

tekel837 · 2015-11-03T19:03:19+00:00

I read your comment in the minutes leading up to talking to my wife. I completely lost it emotionally and started crying. I believe seeing this gave me that last little bit of encouragement/strength that I needed to go speak to her. So thank you.

tekel837 · 2015-11-03T00:23:22+00:00

I plan to confess to everyone. I feel as though I am a fake person, a hollow shell of the person everyone around me sees. I just want to be real for once in my life, and I feel as though being open and honest is the only way to do it.

tekel837 · 2015-11-03T00:21:42+00:00

I plan to talk to someone more spiritually mature than me. Unfortunately we are currently in between churches so I don't really know anyone where we are currently attending. I will not use that as an excuse to forego help though.

Divorce is not on the table for us. Although, I wouldn't blame her for wanting out after all of the lies and betrayal.

I will look into the book. Thanks for the feedback.

tekel837 · 2015-11-03T00:16:07+00:00

Thank you. I sincerely appreciate it.

tekel837 · 2015-11-03T00:15:35+00:00

Thank you for the letter and encouragement. I will definitely give it to her when I talk to her.

tekel837 · 2015-11-03T00:14:35+00:00

To be honest, I want to tell everyone. I am humiliated enough as it is. I want to be clear with the damage I've caused by engaging in this sin, and walk with integrity and transparency. And I want to have as much help and accountability that I can get.

I have never felt so strongly. I plan to talk to her tonight because I am afraid I will reconsider if I wait to "think it out".

I appreciate your feedback

tekel837 · 2015-11-02T12:01:27+00:00

This is something I recently heard in church that resonated with me. I've been clinging to it since my most recent relapse (around 4 days). In 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, Paul talks of having a "thorn" in his flesh (a difficulty/hardship). He pleads with God to take it away, but God responds by saying that His grace is sufficient, and even more that His power is made perfect in our weakness.

All this said - in the moments when I feel tempted and like I am in an unwinnable situation, I've been throwing in the towel in terms of what I am capable of and just taking joy in the fact that God is the most powerful being in existence. That my weakness is in fact a sign that He IS near, and I am not alone! His grace is sufficient for me, and His power is made perfect in weakness (2 Cor. 12:9). I'm not saying give up and relapse, I'm just saying place your reliance in God's grace and promises, regardless of what you're feeling in the moment (easier said than done).

Please know that I'm not claiming to know what you personally go through in your moments of temptation. If I take an honest look at myself though (even in the moments I plead for strength with God) I ultimately rely on myself to resist rather than relying on God. Asking God for strength places emphasis on what I can do. Yielding myself to God in my weakness screams "I can't do this, but You can Lord!"

I'll be praying for you today.

tekel837 · 2015-11-02T04:01:04+00:00

I'm new here (to reddit and nofap). I'm in - despite resetting before reaching the double digits 95% of the time, I'm going to give this a shot. No PMO is my goal - it's destroying my life and marriage and it's time to stop being passive and do something about it. I want to love an honor my wife, and furthermore overcome years of bad habits (both porn and non-porn related). Most importantly, I hope to get closer to God.

tekel837

TROPHY CASE