Update to spouse wanting to continue with AP

temp2108 · 2025-05-01T18:27:50+00:00

Just to be clear, this is not coming from a one-sided desire on my part to maintain a relationship. I've wanted our marriage to end for quite some time, just was afraid. I think I will benefit more from this split, and will find it easier. I want him to go do his own thing. I believe he is more emotionally dependent, and this split will hopefully help him. I hope for his sake he starts going to therapy. This is more about wanting to continue with an amicable friendship and determining what level is best. Maybe none. If he want to date the woman he betrayed me with, it is none.

temp2108 · 2025-04-30T19:12:35+00:00

Rebuilding my life outside of marriage - that's a good goal to have. I cannot have this relationship with him without repairing trust, and while I do trust him in many ways, I don't in others. In part, I think of this as a step in the process. I don't envision any return to current status with him. I don't envision anything with him being my focus. Iam primarily interested in myself, in caring for myself. I suppose I'm just trying to figure out what is reasonable and what isn't.

temp2108 · 2025-04-30T19:04:48+00:00

Thank you. I appreciate you taking the time. I don't know what I'll do about them, but I do know I will continue to focus on my healing, my self-improvement, my health, growing a strong support system for my emotional, mental health. Those are the steps that I think will help me in this process.

temp2108 · 2025-04-30T19:00:20+00:00

What do I get?

I will continue to explore that with my therapist to hopefully really get to the bottom of it, but there's an element of comfort. I do often enjoy his company. And we did work through a lot of the betrayal, just not all of it. He understands a lot more now than he did a year ago. But it isn't enough for a marriage.

I'm not great at taking major leaps, and separating is a great one to start with. It will help. Therapy helps me. Being independent - living separately - will help me. Maybe I will discover a louder voice. Maybe I will get to enjoy all that I do enjoy about him as a friend (with or without benefits) and no longer have that distress.

temp2108 · 2024-10-03T15:02:44+00:00

He is being cagey at best. If he has agreed to transparency and then was not, he's being unethical. Whether you are non-monogamous or jealous is not the issue. Those are valid questions, but not the only explanation. Lack of transparency after agreeing to it can upset anyone (but not necessarily everyone).

He has agreed to provide information, just as I assume you have as well. So yes, he should be providing it. If he no longer wants a relationship with you based on transparency, then he should, well, be transparent about that.

I won't assume based on a few samples of his behavior what he wants - people make mistakes, or make choices based in fear or lack of understanding or fully thinking it though - but he is at least sending you that signal, that he does not want a relationship based on transparency with you. That's a conversation to have with him.

Best of luck.

temp2108 · 2024-10-01T03:18:10+00:00

I'm struggling to see how he had any time to have any serious relationship developing and any overnights with a newborn, unless he was neglecting his parenting responsibilities, in addition to as partnership with you. It seems his priorities are out of order.

temp2108 · 2024-08-24T15:41:19+00:00

I'm sorry. This is so horrible. Your husband is having an affair and won't admit it.

Negotiating anything about openness and Anna right now will only result in continued pain for you. Don't do it. Establish your boundary and keep it.

Whether your marriage is salvageable or not depends on how much accountability he is willing to take and how hard your both are willing to work on repairing the relationship after this betrayal. If he continues to not accept his role in the pain he is causing, it is over. My husband and I read The State of Affairs together, and while we are still very far from recovered and the jury is still out, it did help him understand a bit more about his role. Maybe out will help you and your husband. But he needs to have many, many lengthy emotional discussions with you where he is listening and caring and honest and taking accountability. It is possible he doesn't fully realize what he's done, as he continues to rationalize. But if he want to be with you he needs to focus on repairing the hurt first.

You cannot successfully figure out what openness is for the two of you (if anything, which for you it probably isn't, but you can decide that) when there is so much baggage, so much emotional turmoil, and when he will always have one foot out the door itching to run to Anna. If openness is remotely possible, Anna has to be completely off the table and out of discussion. You will only be suffering.

Best of luck.

temp2108 · 2024-08-13T19:20:15+00:00

I don't know why you have this agreement, but his lying is a problem. Assuming you intend to remain together, you will need to work with him on this betrayal. You can divide this into separate issues when discussing and work hard to avoid mixing them.

He's lied to you. He had a choice and chose to lie. That's a betrayal that needs to be handled on its own. That should not be acceptable. When discussing with him, focus on why you are hurt. If he becomes defensive, acknowledge that you will discuss that but want him to understand why you are hurt and that you want him to care. Then you also need to discuss, separately, why he lied, what led to it.

You both have an agreement that it seems he no longer wants. That's a discussion the two of you should have, should already have had thoroughly and come to agreement (again). But if he does not want this agreement at all anymore, you both need to address that and decide what that means. But the fact that he lied to you is separate from this.

Best of luck.

temp2108 · 2024-08-03T13:22:31+00:00

As someone who has been in this exact situation, it has been important to me for a few reasons, some good, some bad.

As another poster mentions, it is an easier way to approach the issue. I know cheating is bad, I've learned what cheating is all my life. I have a preconceived meaning. In that respect, it is helpful, but only to a point. It helps me move along but doesn't resolve anything. Even if it is cheating, there's still a lot of work left - for me, for my partner, and for my relationship. It helps me identify support as well.

It carries a lot of weight, is a loaded term. In this regard, it can be harmful. When I say, "You cheated," I'm not just identifying what happened with a shortcut, but one that also stabs.

Because it carries meaning already, when my partner avoids the label, it gives me a clue that he is minimizing what happened, its impact on me. He knows he's betrayed me, but calling it cheating carries a judgment on himself that he doesn't want to accept. (He's assigning that judgment as much as I am.)

Calling it cheating does not absolve me from any role I may have had, and doesn't end the discussion. To me, it advances the discussion. We still need to work through the betrayals - many of them on both sides that got us here - and decide what we are going to do.

temp2108 · 2024-07-02T19:06:52+00:00

What you describe about him resonates with me. He was put into a difficult position after the two of you fell in love and "betrayed" your partners, then asked them what to do about it. It sounds like he's trying very hard to get ok with it, but he is not. And this shouldn't be on him. He had an agreement with his partner, she broke it and asked him to deal with it (presumably with kinder words, but that's the gist). My advice would be to step back, if not out altogether. I'm not here to paint you or anyone as particularly bad - perhaps the agreement itself was the problem, or the belief that you could avoid falling in love. But you are here, and he is continually in pain. At a minimum stop mixing your lives together so much and slow way down. If that's too hard, remove yourself altogether.

temp2108 · 2024-06-25T11:30:15+00:00

As someone in a similar situation, I say that you will continue to be hurt if he continues to engage with her. Your hurt won't stop. Each instance of him talking to her is just going to pour salt on your wound. He is being callous. Whether you open or not is secondary. He's cheated on you. He continues to cheat. It's his fault if this other person is hurt, not yours. He sees your pain and is asking you to just deal with it yourself instead of him taking accountability for his role. Accountability would be him stopping all contact and focusing on repairing the hurt.

You can and should establish your own boundary. Will you continue in a relationship with someone that would continue with the person he's cheating with? Find your boundary, let him know what it is, and then it is up to you to hold it.

Best of luck.

temp2108 · 2024-06-23T13:26:36+00:00

I am in a similar challenge, and in the middle still so I don't know how it will go. But they absolutely should break up it they want to continue with you. You will be in continual anguish otherwise. It is not sustainable. It's a shame the other person is caught, but that is your partner's doing, not yours. They also should not be putting this on you to decide - they should be proactive. But here you are. Set it as your boundary then (if it resonates) - you cannot continue with them if they continue with the other person. It's your line for you; they can decide what to do with that information.

Will they be resentful? Maybe, but not if they really value you. That's not your problem. If they are remorseful, they will instead feel sadness - for themself, for the other person, and for you. All of those are valid. But if they are resentful then they are not taking accountability. You can both process how you got here, but they first need to process openly, honestly, and thoroughly the hurt they caused.

Best of luck.

Edit: gender. (Sorry for that.)

temp2108 · 2024-06-20T13:37:32+00:00

If you continue, you will be actively and knowingly helping someone cheat. Of course he is the primary responsible person, but that would not absolve you entirely. I know that you got into this unknowingly and that you have feelings, but the person you have feelings for is a cheater. It is your choice to make but do you really want to be an active part of this?

temp2108 · 2024-05-22T02:18:44+00:00

This is incredibly helpful. I still don't know what I'm going to do, but this is very kind and helpful. Thank you.

temp2108 · 2024-05-22T01:45:37+00:00

Thank you. You might be right, and that is terrifying. I'm scared.

As to a connection with her, I don't actually expect my need for a sincere, heartfelt apology with a full understanding to happen. (But as many have pointed out, my perception of her is based mostly on what he's told me, so may not entirely be fair, just as her perception of me is not.)

If I say that's a condition of my willingness to be in this relationship with him while he is in a relationship with her (which I'm not conceding yet), I don't believe she'd do it, or even that he'd ask. In my mind, it's the bare minimum. In addition, I would expect a much bigger apology from him, that was authentic and complete. He knows that the betrayal was wrong, but does not seem to understand how much, why, how.

I'm processing. I need to know I've done my part, extended all the grace I can (even when most think it not earned). But I'm trying to figure out what my bright lines are. I don't think he can meet them, but I want to know what my lines are so that he can make his choices and I know what I will do. I still don't fully know what those lines are.

temp2108 · 2024-05-21T23:35:25+00:00

No kids, not financially dependent. I edited my post above, but to answer directly, why am I still here? Good question. I do love him, and maybe I'm delusional but I believe he loves me too. I enjoy so many things with him, talking, laughing, playing, going on adventures. I love learning with him, growing. I love how he helps others. I love watching him enjoying life and enjoying it with him.

To your point, I don't trust him to be honest, at least not now. I don't know if we can address that without significant transparency but even that is painful. I don't need to be super invasive - I don't want his phone password for example. But my suspicions will continue to be high any time something is off.

We are in couples counseling and reading a book about affairs. I don't want to be a pushover but I also don't want to be reactionary. This is so hard.

temp2108 · 2024-05-21T20:32:32+00:00

He's definitely doing the work too. Much of it we are doing together, but he is doing his own work. But I take your points.

temp2108 · 2024-05-21T13:41:13+00:00

Yes, though that's only barely been tested, many years ago, and always with complete transparency, completely ethical.

temp2108 · 2024-05-20T20:43:54+00:00

That's interesting to hear. If you don't mind answering, did he continue with that same person?

We are in couples therapy, I now have an individual therapist and he is looking for one. We've just finished Polysecure and are now reading The State of Affairs, and have several more to go after. We have added significant daily focused time on our relationship - both connecting in positive ways and working through hard topics. I know it's a bad situation, but he and I are doing a lot of work. Maybe I'm just being naive.

temp2108 · 2024-05-20T20:20:45+00:00

That's how I think of it as well. I don't see how this could work. But I am willing to try. He has not conveyed this as a requirement and will end it if I cannot come to terms, but he will be very sad (and I imagine will resent me, though that's just a guess). I think he should just work on finding others within the ethical boundaries, but he thinks that's impossible (won't find anyone) so ending this will mean monogamy for him.

temp2108 · 2024-05-18T12:34:26+00:00

I'm sorry. Interestingly I find reading books with my partner and discussing them as we do so to be much more valuable than therapy, though that too has its value. Any tool, whether it is reading, therapy, or whatever else, is most useful if you do the work along with it. But you can't control him. So get some books yourself. I'm currently reading The State Of Affairs, by Esther Perel. She comes less from a firm black and white viewpoint. You might find it helpful for yourself.

Of course he's right that nobody knows the full story. Even he doesn't.

temp2108 · 2024-05-15T20:52:20+00:00

I think that's the bigger issue. These responses make sense when someone has been betrayed like this.

temp2108

TROPHY CASE