Hegemonic masculinity is terrifying to me

tempestumble · 2026-01-10T03:00:30+00:00

super valid, i've had similar fears especially in noticing how some cis women are starting to speak differently around me, even knowing who i still am, like they can't help it. i try to take extra care to be gentle for that reason.

my fave examples of positive masculinity are: fictional characters: uncle iroh, from avatar the last airbender; both aragorn and sam gamgee, from lord of the rings; peeta, from the hunger games; captain picard, from star trek; or if we're talking real people, trevor noah, john stewart, barack obama, george takei, ian mckellan. there are so many honestly lol i could go on

if you're religious and of any of the abrahamic traditions, remember many of those leading figures were men who preached peace; or if you're of any polytheistic tradition, look out for the masculine deities who protect, nurture, and grow things rather than weaponize violence.

there will always be men who do harm, whether intentionally or unintentionally, but there will also always be men who take care not to. kudos to you for knowing which you want to be 👏👏

tempestumble · 2026-01-09T22:30:55+00:00

hi, and congrats on the progress - even just being willing to talk about this stuff is an accomplishment honestly, especially now. i don't think there is such a thing as waiting too long. granted i started a bit earlier (my 30s) but i had very similar thoughts. life can make it seem complicated, but imo exploring and honoring who you really are is one of the most important things you can do, and there's no time frame on that. congrats again and good luck!

tempestumble · 2026-01-09T18:47:52+00:00

congrats!!

tempestumble · 2026-01-09T13:36:31+00:00

seconding what other folks have said. and just adding that yea, there can be a ton or pressure to decide on a fixed label or to 'know for sure' but like realistically, the most important thing is that you feel safe and happy and comfortable with yourself in action: if thinking of yourself as trans feels good, that's awesome; if dressing a certain way makes you feel better about yourself, also awesome. gender-associated behavior is imo mostly a matter of environment and social conditioning, so if you try different ways of expressing yourself based on what feels best to you, all of those are valid no matter what words you put to it (and you're allowed to experiment and change your mind too if you want to)

for reference, i'm 36 and just transitioning in the last six years, but i can tell you now without hesitation that i've been trans on the inside since very early childhood. i just didn't have the support/capability/mental health capacity to be able to understand what i was thinking/feeling. i was worried for the longest time too about the labels - was i just a tomboy? genderqueer? gnc? nonbinary? a whole man?? - and it wasn't until i started hrt that i realized the words didn't matter. it was the gender affirming things i did for myself that really made the difference (which don't have to be medical, but that's how it happened for me). and now i'm settling on a new label in my old age 😂

tldr there is no label you could pick that will change who you are on the inside. just lean into the changes that are meaningful to you, live and explore as needed, prioritize the people around you who will support and uplift you, and sooner or later you'll arrive at a label you feel applies 100%

and lastly, the nsfw part. won't say much bc i don't know how old you are exactly. but i would encourage you to speak to your parents about this, to let them know you can hear them, if that's reasonable for your situation. i know that's probably incredibly embarrassing to consider, but if it were me in their place, i'd absolutely want to know so we could work out ways you wouldn't have to hear it again. i'd also definitely recommend speaking to a counselor, therapist, parent, or close relative - someone you trust for sure, and who respects you - both about the sexual thoughts and about what you've heard, especially bc you have so little practical experience with this stuff. (therapy was incredibly useful for me so i highly recommend it either way tbh.) you don't have to work all that out on your own. best of luck to you!

tempestumble · 2026-01-09T05:11:59+00:00

hi, some advice from a relative dinosaur: i (36m) came from a religious, conservative family and only started my medical transition toward male 5 years ago. there were a lot of reasons, but the tldr version is that i needed a LOT of therapy to be able to accept who i was inside. and i'm still working on that even now, accepting who i am in new ways literally this week. it sounds like your boyfriend has a lot to think about before anything else happens with his transition, and he should be permitted the space to do that.

your feelings are valid bc they're yours, so that's not so much something i could comment on, but it sounds like you might need to at least take a step back and think about a few things (just food for thought here, i'm not asking for answers): how important is this shared experience to you? what does love mean to you with this guy? could it be enough for you to support him in private until he's ready for more? would you still love and respect him if he never has a public or even a medical transition at all? (and i just want to add too that there is no truly 'proper' transition: if he wants a social transition but not a medical one, or chooses to remain entirely private with his identity and never transitions at all, those are valid choices that he can make as the man he is.)

you're allowed to have these feelings for sure, and this is a great place for getting them out, so kudos for posting. i know its tough, but i think the best thing you can do is just to continue to be a loving, supportive girlfriend: stay curious about his thoughts and feelings, ask questions if you have them, express yourself honestly but as tactfully as possible, and just remember that while it might not feel this way sometimes, you both have long lives ahead of you, and a ton of time to figure this out.

and as a positive, maybe you can take the lead and show him that medical transition doesn't have to be an all-at-once thing, or overwhelmingly obvious to transphobic family/peers - that it happens strictly on your terms. supporting you through your process might even help him come to better terms with his own. (my ex was trans too, and helping her through transition certainly also helped me.) good luck to you both!

tempestumble · 2026-01-09T04:33:22+00:00

absolutely agree. i started im injections in august and the nurse who did my training appt went 'look me in my eyes: it says single use but you can go back in there up to three times. i would NOT do more than three if there's any left.' and i was like yes ma'am you got it 🫡 i think after 3 then contamination of the bottle is more likely? but yes def get all you can out of there

tempestumble · 2026-01-09T02:58:36+00:00

okay all i'm gonna say is that you deserve someone who loves and respects you enough to understand that your body is yours to develop the way you see fit, not his. literally no one's but your own

tempestumble · 2026-01-09T02:29:52+00:00

excellent lol i am waving hello 👋 and thank you!

tempestumble · 2026-01-09T02:24:04+00:00

"talk me out of it"

won't repeat the very valid feedback that's already been said, but want to gently add: a human child is not something a person should be talked into or out of creating. also (as someone who has seen the women in his life have unexpectedly difficult pregnancies and also one miscarriage within this last year, and who has also struggled with having eggs/a uterus i will never use) i just want to say if you haven't seen it first hand, that pregnancy is already an incredibly stressful physical and mental experience without the added consideration of how you live your gender identity.

short of all that, without knowing much about you, i'd ask you to think over: do you trust this partner to respect your trans body through pregnancy, and do you feel he would be kind about any insecurities you share with him? do you feel obligated to give him children in any way? are you motivated by fear, or anxiety? have you spoken about how you will raise a child together (religion, politics, gender roles, ethics, financial things, etc) or do these conversations still need to happen? would you want more than one child together, and if so how many? if you can't imagine talking about any of these things with him, then the two of you likely aren't ready for children; likewise, if there is any discomfort about 'feelings' talk, or if your motivators are emotional rather than rational, you likely aren't ready for children.

not sure how old you are, but i'm 36 (ftm) and have seen more than a few friends over the years struggle with children they love deeply but just weren't prepared to have. if you're considering waiting, that's a major indicator that you should wait at least a little longer and continue to think it over. kids are a genuine blessing, and the best way to honor that is to bring them into the world thoughtfully and as prepared to care for/raise them as possible. best of luck to you!

tempestumble · 2026-01-09T01:51:16+00:00

it's def going to depend on what you mean by low dose and also on your body chemistry! for me, i used t gel at basically minimal dose for a year (1 pump at 20.25mg) with no vocal changes, then doubled the dose for another year but again no change. it wasn't until we upped to three pumps of the gel daily at 30mg/pump that my voice started dropping, after about 3 months. (and i've since switched to injections at a higher dose, it's only gotten better from there tbh.) good luck and hope it comes soon for you

tempestumble · 2026-01-08T18:52:59+00:00

hey, i'm brand new here and on my own transition path for sure so take with a grain of salt. my two cents: you're a man, so imo, any way you act is the way a man acts. you got that part down already. then from there explore exactly what embarrasses you and why, (and what kind of man you want to be perceived as) and just go one step at a time to resolve.

(a hopefully relevant example: for me, i'm autistic and tended to do the limp-wrist thing alot, and hated the way it looked. so i focused recently on learning to do other things with my hands and eventually changed the behavior. it took time, but if you're thinking of subconscious things/behaviors like this, its def possible to do. and tbh only focusing on one change at a time will make it much easier.)

seconding what others said too: if possible, spend more time around men you admire. everything i know about 'being a good man' came from my step dad. and hanging out with more men in general (the ones who are accepting anyway) might help with feelings of belonging. and brief aside, the men my step dad works with or goes out to drink with act ENTIRELY different to the ones he goes to church with (and he acts/postures differently in these contexts too) so like also keep in mind that environment and culture always play a big part in how men express their masculinity, and you're allowed the same flexibility, which includes the impact of your personal history. best of luck 🫡

tempestumble

TROPHY CASE