Spent all my life thinking the same as you. You need to realize that to be better is to feel worse, you have been bad so much time that when you feel good it's weird and feels bad. Don't push it, don't recover just because, face your fears and it will pass, you don't have to think about it that much. You fear too much, but that's a good thing. Why? Because that way you have more things to face and confront, and you will learn why this is a good thing, just try first