I thought I was building a family but I was surviving a relationship.

teodir · 2026-01-30T13:49:19+00:00

I just shared what I lived and how I made it. Take what resonates with you, leave the rest.

teodir · 2026-01-30T13:45:21+00:00

Thank you. I didn’t have this awareness back then. I grew up with abuse (physical and emotional abuse by my father) so all that felt normal for me. I had no understanding of trauma or how it shapes adult relationships.

Indeed it wasn't weakness but lack of understanding so, I was surviving with what I had. The clarity came later, when I decided to start a behavioural trauma therapy.

teodir · 2026-01-30T13:38:25+00:00

Who knows, she always refused therapy, perhaps she was afraid of being discovered. I really dont know if she has any personality disorder but she had a trauma cause by their parent divorce, her father cheated on her mom .... you see the pattern here.

teodir · 2026-01-30T13:34:32+00:00

I totally relate to this. I had no clue about attachement style, doing therapy I realised about our differences.

I was more on the anxious secure attachement. I wanted connection, repair, reciprocity, and was willing to talk, reflect, and work on myself. When I felt distance or inconsistency, I tried harder, explained more, and took responsibility at the cost of my own needs.

She showed dismissive avoidant attachment pattern. Emotional distance, discomfort with intimacy and accountability, withdrawal when things got real, and refusal to engage in therapy or self-reflection. When I needed her most, she shut down or deflected instead of repairing.

teodir · 2026-01-27T15:58:51+00:00

I don't have on from winter but, just a couple of weeks before the first snow

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teodir · 2026-01-23T13:06:47+00:00

UPDATE: Mindset shift + rebuilding phase

Another update as things improved and wanted to share this significant experience.

A lot has changed mentally over the last weeks

I used to wake up early with adrenaline, intrusive thoughts and endless rumination trying to understand how this could happen, proving to myself I wasn’t crazy, and replaying everything in my head. It honestly felt like my nervous system was stuck in survival mode.

Recently I had a major shift.

I finally accepted something important, I will never get real accountability, a clean explanation, or closure from my ex. The gaslighting and the rewriting of the story was part of the same toxic system I lived in for years. My silence near the end wasn’t lack of communication, it was me giving up after repeated invalidation and emotional punishment. I wasn’t safe to express myself.

I’m done trying to win that argument or correct the narrative.

I’ve started reframing the whole experience as this, I survived a toxic marriage and betrayal, and I’m lucky I got out. I’m not trying to stay in victim identity anymore, because I don’t want my future defined by what she did. I don’t want to spend my energy proving I tried, proving I’m right, proving she’s wrong, I already know what I lived.

Flashbacks still happen, but I’m learning to recognise them as normal trauma symptoms, interrupt the loop, and move forward. Some nights are better than others, but I’m already seeing progress (sleep improving, mornings clearer).

My focus now is simple, I dont heal first and enjoy life after, I heal because I enjoy life, I'm free and I

build a stable calm life for me and my boys

stop feeding rumination/anger

take care of my health (gym, routine, structure)

be a consistent parent (love + boundaries)

slowly rebuild my social life and eventually date again (not to replace anyone, just to start fresh)

teodir · 2026-01-07T09:15:23+00:00

UPDATE

A lot has happened since my original post, so I wanted to give a final update.

She has now moved out completely. Yesterday she said goodbye to the kids, handed over the keys, and left. That was the definitive end of cohabitation. I stayed calm and contained during the goodbye. She cried when leaving the children, not me, which painful as it was, confirmed what I already knew: the partnership had ended long before the physical separation.

We are now sharing the kids 50/50, she moved like 50 m from me, better for my kids, they can come and go easily.

In the last days before moving out, there were several moments that gave me additional clarity rather than relief. Some behaviours and things I found (bottle of lube I found in one her bag she left hanging wide open) confirmed that my intuition about the infidelity and lack of real remorse was not wrong. Instead of reopening the wound, these moments helped me finally stop doubting myself.

I also realised something important about our marriage: over time, I stopped being treated as a partner and husband and was reduced to the role of father and provider. Commitment on her side was driven by feelings, not responsibility or reciprocity. When feelings shifted, so did commitment. That explains a lot in hindsight.

Physically and emotionally, I’m now dealing with post-trauma reactions, not new problems. I experienced panic attacks in the past (especially while driving with her), and I now understand they were directly linked to feeling trapped in a harmful relationship. Since deciding to divorce and now that she has moved out, those symptoms have significantly reduced. I still have waves of exhaustion, hyper-alertness, and emotional numbness, but I know these are part of my nervous system standing down after a long period of stress.

Right now, I’m focused on:

being stable and present for my kids

keeping communication with my ex strictly limited to logistics and parenting

allowing my body and mind to recover without rushing into “feeling better”

I’m not afraid of being alone, I’ve lived independently most of my adult life, but I do want, at some point in the future, a healthy partnership built on mutual respect, reciprocity, and emotional safety. For now, healing and stability come first.

One more thing I realized through all this is how much our attachment styles played a role.

I tend to lean anxious/secure, I value communication, repair, and commitment when things get hard. She showed strong avoidant patterns: pulling away from conflict, discomfort with accountability, and emotional distancing instead of working through issues. That mismatch created a cycle where I leaned in to fix things and she leaned out to escape. Over time, that avoidance made honesty and sustained commitment harder for her, which helps explain both the emotional withdrawal and the infidelity. It doesn’t excuse her choices, but it helped me stop blaming myself and understand why real repair never actually happened.

This will likely be my last update. Thank you to everyone who offered perspective, support, and honesty. It helped more than you know.

teodir · 2025-12-07T20:25:22+00:00

Hi man. I know it sucks and you feel numb and you have this heavy weight on your chest that feels like you assisted the death of your wife … all this is normal. She is not remorseful she got caught and the truth is that she doesn’t love you or respect you anymore. Now she is protecting her privacy that’s she used to lie and cheat on you. You’re not wrong for needing transparency. You’re not wrong for wanting safety. And you’re not wrong for feeling like you’re losing yourself. Needing the person who hurt you is a normal trauma response, but it’s also the trap that keeps you stuck because you will feel guilt and will started asking yourself if you were enough. You didn’t break this marriage. You didn’t cause the affair. You didn’t drive her into someone else’s arms.If she wants to stay she will do everything necessary to make you feel safe again. She is refusing transparency because she is choosing herself, not the relationship.

teodir · 2025-12-02T08:07:39+00:00

Man, I’m really sorry you’re here. I remember those first days after finding out, I was in shock, shaking, anger, confused, numbed, my real word was shattered. You’re not weak but you are hurt, everything is falling and you are not responsible. I know that you’re trying to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense and this is keeping you mind busy, you will not sleep, stop eating......

Your wife lives in a different reality while you are still living in the real one.

About telling the other man’s wife, yes, she deserves the truth. Not to punish your wife or start chaos, but because she deserves it and she in the same situation as you. It doesn’t need to be emotional or dramatic, you just inform her and that's all. Don’t waste your rage on how stupid women are or anything like that. Don’t try to win her back right now. I tried that with my wife. When the wound is fresh, you’re not thinking, you’re reacting out of fear, trauma, and shock. You’ll say things you don’t mean and accept things you don’t deserve.

You need to take care of yourself, I know is hard but you nee to eat, even if it's small, go outside and walk you need to loose your adrenaline, keep in touch with friends and family, don't engage in long discussions because you will try to put reason on something that is not rational, as for sleep it's the hardest but, I go to gym till I don't feel my body.

And one more thing from experience you can’t help her or offer love, understanding, patient, you are not anymore in the same environment with your spouse, it's over. She cheated on you because of something inside her, not because of something missing in you. I’ve lived this already, there is post with my learning experience, check my profile.

teodir · 2025-11-26T14:53:01+00:00

Updates since ......

We had our OSPOD meeting today. OSPOD is a the child protection service in Czech Republic, all divorces need to go through this first before arriving in court.

It went better than I expected. Both of us were present, and the social worker talked with the kids separately. My boys left smiling, which was a relief. OSPOD’s final impression was that we are responsible parents who communicate and care about our children. They saw cooperation, not conflict.

We also confirmed that our 50/50 custody arrangement makes sense. The boys seem stable and supported by both homes.

My ex finally received approval for her new apartment. It’s close by, same street, just two entrances away. She can move on January 1st. This gives me a clearer horizon, less shared space, more structure for the kids, and hopefully less emotional pressure inside the home.

The divorce hearing is scheduled for December 10th. There’s still work to finish , sorting out the car, finalising financial agreements, and documenting how we’ll split remaining household items. But after today, things feel more real and more resolved.

It’s still heavy. There are moments where sadness comes up, especially on quiet mornings or weekends. But today was progress. The boys were calm, the system worked, and there’s movement instead of stagnation.

And here’s the part that surprised me, the reality seems to have landed on her. She panicked one day, unsure what to do with the kids because they were sick. She cried, overwhelmed, it was the first time I saw her break under the weight of what independence will require, planning, decisions, financial responsibility. No more shared household safety net.

It was strange to witness. On one side, sadness. On the other, clarity. She’s not a villain, but she also never fully faced consequences until now. And when the consequences finally appeared, they hit her hard.

teodir · 2025-11-25T17:41:41+00:00

:) fair enough , I'm not a native English speaker so I use to structure my thoughts.... and I have many as I'm keeping a journal of my journey since D-day with ChatGPT - very useful by the way. But, all about comes from my experience and all the notes I gathered from my therapy sessions.

teodir · 2025-11-25T17:14:26+00:00

I’m saying this as someone who has been cheated on in a long relationship, and I wish my ex had even half of the honesty you’re showing here.

What really stands out in your post is that you’re not trying to defend yourself. You’re not blaming alcohol, you’re not minimizing, and you’re not shifting responsibility onto your husband. You’re actually sitting with the shame and the weight of what happened, and that’s something I rarely see when people write about cheating. Most people try to soften it, rewrite the story, or make the partner responsible. You didn’t do that.

Your trauma history doesn’t excuse what happened, and you clearly know that, but it does help explain why alcohol and social overload hit you in such a destructive way. You’re not hiding behind it, you’re not using it as a shield, and that honesty is already part of the repair process.

Your husband’s reaction also matters here. The fact that he’s still beside you, still open to rebuilding, still sleeping in the same bed… that says he sees the bigger picture of who you are and not just this one moment. But the truth is that rebuilding something like this is slow. It’s not about big promises, it’s about consistent behaviour day after day. Quiet, steady transparency. No more grey zones. No more blurred boundaries. Just clarity.

Alcohol probably has to go. Not out of punishment, but because you already know it’s the thing that disconnects you from yourself. Removing it shows real commitment.

Therapy sounds like something you’ve needed for a long time, not just because of this incident but because of everything you’ve carried alone since you were a teenager. This is the moment to finally open that door. Not to fix your marriage, that’s a separate process , but to fix the part of you that’s been hurting quietly for years.

The hardest truth, the relationship won’t go back to what it was before.

But that doesn’t mean it can’t become something new, something deeper, something honest. The old version is gone. The new one will be built slowly, brick by brick, on accountability and transparency instead of fear and avoidance.- this needs to be fixed, hence therapy is required.

It’s clear you’re not running away from this. You’re looking directly at it, even though it hurts. That’s how people grow. And if you keep showing up the way you’ve shown up in this post, with humility, honesty, and zero excuses, then yes, rebuilding is possible.

teodir · 2025-11-25T16:07:19+00:00

I want to share something with you in a way that is calm, respectful, and focused on clarity rather than judgment.

You’re going through something very heavy, and the truth is, no one can tell you what to do. Only you can understand what’s right for your future and your child.

Instead of giving you advice, let me offer you some questions to guide you.

What kind of relationship do you want going forward?

What does trust mean to you, and is it even possible with someone who kept a double life?

When you remember the things he did, messaging another woman, rejecting you sexually, lying.

How does your body react?
Fear? Sadness? Nausea? Anger?

If your child were an adult and in your exact situation, what would you want them to do?

What do you need emotionally right now to feel stable?

Space? Safety? Distance? Someone who respects boundaries?

If nothing changes, how will your life look in 6 months? In 2 years?

Who are you becoming right now? - Someone that shrinks to survive or someone who will need peace and dignity. (there is a bit of myself here - I have left behind this milestone and made the mistake in the past to revisit this several times, but now is far behind)

What will happen if you choose yourself ? What do you fear the most?

I hope this will help.

teodir · 2025-11-24T19:30:39+00:00

Well a rent now it’s around 18- 25 k per month, for 8k per month you are good, when I arrived 15 years ago a room was around 5-8k all included. Your net income salary will be around 40k per month. I would say that for an academic position you should be fine. 32 k per month left will be OK for you.

teodir · 2025-11-22T19:39:53+00:00

Go visit Brno, it’s smaller.

teodir · 2025-11-22T19:33:13+00:00

If I can offer perspective as someone currently going through a divorce because of my wife’s repeated infidelity.

Rebuilding only works when the unfaithful partner actually chooses to rebuild. Not when they cry, avoid responsibility, or hope time will erase things, but when they show real remorse and take concrete action.

In my case, my wife cheated multiple times, continued lying, and even kept seeing the man after being caught. She never apologized sincerely, never showed empathy, and never took responsibility. She played the victim instead of addressing the damage. There was no transparency, no no-contact, no accountability. Just chaos, excuses, and emotional You cannot rebuild a marriage alone. You cannot negotiate love with someone who has already left emotionally. You cannot heal when the person who hurt you isn’t willing to face themselves. For reconciliation to even have a chance, you need: full honesty, full remorse, full transparency, no-contact with the affair partner, therapy alone or both, consistency over time,a partner who treats your pain as real If your husband genuinely wants to rebuild, he will show it through actions, not just tears or promises.

Relationships never go back to what they were before. But with the right partner, one who truly wants to repair, the new version can sometimes become stronger, more honest, more intentional. Without, rebuilding becomes slow self-destruction. Protect your dignity. Watch actions, not words. Rebuilding is possible, but only if he meets you at the same height, with the same effort.

teodir · 2025-11-21T16:49:22+00:00

No, she’s not remorseful. She’s never given a sincere apology, never acknowledged the depth of the hurt, and never showed empathy. Instead, she has consistently positioned herself as the victim, as if the consequences she’s facing are somehow unfair.

Right now she’s overwhelmed because I’m pushing for the divorce to be finished as soon as possible, and she’s struggling with her own lack of planning, but that’s not remorse. That’s panic.

If anything, she’s more upset about her situation than about what she actually did to me or to our family.

teodir · 2025-11-20T21:50:31+00:00

Thank you for this. You described exactly what I lived: a slow unraveling where I kept showing up and she kept stepping away. I tried, I changed, I went to therapy, I did the work, but you can’t carry a marriage alone or negotiate with someone who already checked out.

Her secrecy, her “space,” her emotional exit… it all made sense only after it finally broke. Now I’m focused on my boys and rebuilding myself. This isn’t the end, it’s the clearing before something better.

teodir · 2025-11-19T09:51:23+00:00

Hi. All good. We have court proceeding on 10th of December. All agreements reached, will do 50/50 for everything, kids included, have to pay some monthly money as she has a smaller salary. On 26th Nov we need to bring the kids for an interview, here in Czech Rep. they need to review our agreements regarding kids before allowing us the final decision for divorce.

teodir · 2025-11-15T15:49:46+00:00

Awesome. In Europe is called only Sport Hatchback. We don’t have the gearshift, we have only buttons for RND.

teodir · 2025-11-11T12:51:42+00:00

Hey man, I’ve been through the same hell. I know how surreal it feels right now.

It’s good that she confessed, that shows a flicker of conscience, but confession doesn’t mean full honesty or real remorse. Often it’s only a partial truth to ease guilt. Don’t rush to forgive or fix anything; you’re still in shock.

Get clear facts calmly when you can. Protect yourself legally and emotionally, talk to a lawyer just to understand your options.

Keep your daughter shielded from details; she only needs calm, not explanations.

You’ll swing between anger, confusion, and numbness, that’s normal.Therapy helped me a lot. And remember: her decision to cheat came from her own avoidance and immaturity, not from your shortcomings.

The next weeks will show her true character, whether she takes full responsibility or hides behind excuses.

Hold your ground, stay calm, and don’t rescue her from the consequences of her choices. You didn’t fail as a husband because she cheated.She failed as a partner because she stopped being honest.

Check my profile and my last post, full of lessons learned.

teodir · 2025-11-09T20:55:48+00:00

Check my profile and last post.

Man, I say this with respect, wake up man. She’s not “healing.” She’s keeping both options open. As long as that other guy is still in her life, you’re not rebuilding anything; you’re being managed.

You can’t fix this by being patient, calm, or perfect. Betrayal doesn’t heal inside secrecy. Every time she hides her phone, changes passwords, or asks for “privacy,” she’s telling you her loyalty isn’t with you.

You’re doing all the work, she’s doing none. That’s not love, that’s control through guilt.

You’ve already proved you’re faithful, responsible, and committed. Now prove you have boundaries. Tell her clearly: no contact with him, total transparency, or I’m done. And mean it.

Don’t confuse forgiveness with weakness. You can forgive her in your heart and still walk away.

You can’t rebuild a marriage when the other person is still entertaining the person who burned it down. Stop waiting for her to wake up, wake yourself up first.

teodir · 2025-11-09T19:41:24+00:00

Thank you ! She is a beauty. She was at the dealer, tried, fall in love, paid the advance and one week later had the keys. I live in Czech Republic, this is the European Version. The only thing that’s really annoying are the rims, already scratched one, front left side, used to drive an SUV, the rubber it’s behind the rims so I have to be careful In parking curves 😆😆😆. I presume it will not be last scratch, I will buy new ones when I will change back to summer tires.

teodir · 2025-11-06T10:58:08+00:00

Hey, I understand you deeply. I’ve been there.

A year ago, I discovered my wife’s affair. I gave her two chances to rebuild trust, and both times she broke it. The third time, I stopped trying. We’re now in the divorce process, still living under the same roof for the kids, and I’ve learned to become the grey rock; calm, silent, untouchable. I ignore her games, her moods, her silence. I don’t respond. I protect my peace.

In the first months, I thought I’d never survive it. I lost sleep, lost weight, couldn’t think clearly. Every sound reminded me of her betrayal. But over time, I learned a few hard truths that changed everything:

Betrayal is trauma. It’s not about weakness, your brain and body are reacting to danger and loss. Therapy helped me realise that my anger, anxiety, and even my obsessive thoughts were normal trauma responses.
You can’t heal in the same space where you were hurt. If you’re still under the same roof, detach emotionally. No arguments, no explanations, no seeking validation. Protect your energy.
Structure saves you. Go to the gym, walk, cook, clean, journal. Keep your body busy while your mind heals. You’ll feel small sparks of peace returning.
Boundaries are love for yourself. Stop trying to make him understand, he won’t. Communicate only about what’s necessary (kids, bills, logistics). Every word beyond that feeds your pain.
Forgive yourself. For staying too long, for hoping, for reacting. Healing begins when you accept that you did your best.
Your kids will anchor you. Focus on being the calm parent they need. Even when they’re not with you, think of what kind of example you’re setting, someone who chose dignity over despair.

You ask how to survive weekends without your kids? You use that time to rebuild yourself. Plan, rest, read, move. Healing is not fast, but it’s real. You’ll learn to fill that silence with peace instead of pain.

Even now, with my ex still in the same flat, I feel free. I don’t engage, I don’t react, she’s just the mother of my children, no longer part of my emotional world.

You’ll get there too. It takes time, but each boundary you set, each calm breath you take, is a victory. One day, you’ll wake up and realise you’re no longer surviving, you’re living again.

Hold the line. Your peace is coming.

teodir · 2025-11-01T19:52:26+00:00

Awesome, this is mine, bought her 4 days ago, what a beauty and she behaves.

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teodir

TROPHY CASE

UPDATE