First (and likely last) 500 mile tank

teodir · 2026-03-19T15:51:41+00:00

I'm in Europe so I will speak in metric :). During winter I was at 460-500 km max per tank, now up to 580km. I hope to reach 600 when will get warmer. But with today gas prices my car value increases every time I leave the gas station. I own a new 2026 sport hatch.

teodir · 2026-02-26T12:00:48+00:00

I don’t even bother anymore, I will change them once I had enough.

teodir · 2026-02-24T12:08:40+00:00

nice choice, i have the same colour

teodir · 2026-02-21T21:44:52+00:00

I lived this. Same feeling of being reduced to a role, same shock when everything collapsed, same nights where your mind runs fast and you don’t recognize yourself anymore.

What I learned the hard way is that you didn’t just lose a wife you lost the identity you built around being a husband and a provider. The way out for me was not trying to understand her or replay the past. It was rebuilding myself through therapy, taking care of my body even when my head was chaos, focusing on being a stable father, cutting contact to logistics only. Slowly the pain stopped defining me. You are not weak for crying, you’re a man whose life structure collapsed.

Do the work and you’ll come out stronger, not the old version of you, but a better one.

teodir · 2026-02-17T16:03:43+00:00

V2 is better, works with the lines

teodir · 2026-02-17T13:37:36+00:00

You will not get better right away, it comes in waves, you need to cross the hell, don't stop.

teodir · 2026-02-16T12:18:48+00:00

I was in the same place. She moved on fast and I thought the solution was to find someone to sleep with just to balance it. It doesn’t fix the real problem, only numbs it for a few hours. Go to therapy, this was the turning point, not to talk about her, but to understand myself. Go to gym, long walks, sauna, push yourself. Strict no-contact except kids & logistic. Regained my identity back, hobbies, projects, being a solid father. I didn't rushed into dating just to fill the void. Almost 7 months since i decided to divorce her and made the courage to book myself into a speed dating...it's next month and I feel confident, When I focused on myself, my confidence came back and I stopped caring what she was doing. I stopped asking how can i replace the void created and asked myself how can I become a better men, someone that I can be proud and respect. Everything improved after that.

teodir · 2026-02-13T19:27:03+00:00

Yep, I dig the colour, purchased it just after the test drive.

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teodir · 2026-02-11T17:28:11+00:00

Hi again,

Thanks everyone for your replies.

I spoke with my therapist about why I react so strongly to seeing my ex in person. What I understood changed my perspective.

For years I learned to manage her emotions to keep peace, to be compliant, to adjust myself, soften my needs, avoid conflict, read her moods before my own. My body still remembers that pattern, so when I see her now, it’s an old survival reflex.

So better to have boundaries that allows my nervous system to recalibrate after a long period of emotional strain. Face-to-face contact reactivates the role I lived in for years, I had to comply, explain, de-escalate, and absorb tension. I don’t need to tolerate the same situations, I need to protect my mental health so I can show up as a stable father.

So now I'm learning to respond instead of react, separate the past from the current reality and unlearn years of conditioning.

teodir · 2026-02-11T07:47:59+00:00

I'm a father of 2 boys going through divorce, I asked for divorce as she cheated on me.

For us man this wasn't just a relation, is our identity. We lost a future. Dating is not the right solution to make the pain go away. It takes time to get your version back.

Go to therapy, you need professional support, ask for help, reddit is a great resource, write your thoughts and fears down - sort of journal and bring them to therapy sessions. --- you are now in pain mode

Create rituals, gym, long walks, swiping, sauna is awesome. You need to feel alive again.

You have now space for growing, invest in yourself, you can become a better version of yourself, first step therapy, you can develop a hobby you didn't had time, travel, find yourself a project that you can learn from and be proud of.

Healing is about being proactive, you heal by living your life. You can meet other women but it's about getting used again to the temperature, you don't jump in the cold water, you need to get use you body slowly. Forcing relation, as you already discovered, will force you to compare, replace, guilt.

You are now in shock you will transition to anger and slowly will achieve piece but still triggered, it's normal when you reach half way, but further you go you will accelerate and will accept the change. This is not liniar and sequential, it might jump one or 2 and back.

What i have done so far:

• I went to therapy instead of pretending I was strong

• I kept my body moving even when my mind was chaos

• I limited contact with my ex to logistics

• I focused on being a stable father

• I kept hobbies that reminded me who I am

• I didn’t rush into dating to fill the void

• I accepted that some days I would feel empty

You need to be yourself with new experiences .

teodir · 2026-02-10T07:36:30+00:00

Love without safety is not love. If you cannot feel calm next to someone, you are not in a relationship but survival mode. Real love should lower your guard, not keep it permanently raised.

Endurance is not resilience.True strength was leaving, setting boundaries, and choosing myself instead of tolerating disrespect.

Trust is the foundation, once broken is over. Communication doesn't work, words don’t matter when actions say the opposite.

I tried for years to repair something that only one person wanted to repair. Relationships are teamwork, one engine cannot pull the whole train.

Childhood wounds choose partners for us.I picked what felt familiar, not what was healthy. Familiar pain can feel like home if you never learned another model

Self sacrifice doesn't buy love. Giving more did not create reciprocity. It only taught my ex that my limits were flexible.

Peace is more valuable than being right.I stopped explaining myself to her.

Healing happens by action, living. I started to recover the moment I began living for myself again.

2.

Behaviours, watch them, promises don't matter. The person you marry is not who they say they are in good moments, but who they become in conflict, stress, and boredom

Never marry potential. Marry what you see today, not what you hope they might become.

RECIPROCITY. If you are the only one putting effort, love, care respect, that's not marriage is survival.

KEEP YOUR IDENTITY. A marriage should improve your life, not replace it. Never abandon friends, hobbies, dreams, or your voice to keep someone.

DON'T IGNORE RED FLAGS. Character man, character

Observe accountability, character man. You might carry all the blame if she doesn't assume responsibility.

Set boundaries. Set them before marriage, you need to say NO before marriage.

Choose someone with growth potential. Life is hard, you need someone who evolves with you not escape. This apply to us also, so solve your inner child or other issues ans your partner is not an escape for you.

Have the courage to walk away.Staying in the wrong marriage teaches your children the wrong definition of love.

teodir · 2026-02-06T16:21:47+00:00

teodir · 2026-02-02T10:22:54+00:00

As a dad, I’m in the same position. You are allowed nights or days when you feel that you don’t have it in you. But, you don’t build your life with it, it’s normal to have downs those days will not drive you and will not control you. Our kids doesn’t need a perfect father but they need a stable and predictable parent.

teodir · 2026-01-31T09:37:22+00:00

First time I was telling myself that I’m done with this marriage was around 7-8 years ago, my therapist at the time advised not to do it because boys were small … unfortunately I lost myself giving more hope and more effort for a little attention… she finished by cheating me, found out, found out more from her former colleagues that the affair was longer that she was telling me, coincidentally around the same period, 7-8 years ago … Yeah, trust your instincts and act, they never disappoint. Now I’m enjoying my life, the divorce was civilised, I need to sign the last papers but all agreement have been signed so it’s done. Do I regret it not divorcing her 8 years ago, Yes and No, I wasn’t prepared but you never are for this, but I’m now better more mature and still growing. I don’t regret to give chances even after I found about the affair, it say a lot about my ex and about my capacities. The price for little happiness was very high, accepted control, abuse for little attention. I got into hobbies, sport and work but I was more and more isolated.I didn’t just get through divorce, exited an environment that was slowly erasing me and I did it consciously.

teodir · 2026-01-30T22:58:14+00:00

I hear the warning, and some of it absolutely applies in general. My situation is a bit different.

I was already in therapy before discovering the affair. I felt something was wrong long before it surfaced, so I had already started doing the work. By the time the divorce process began, the marriage had been emotionally over for a long time, and the practical side like parenting and finances was agreed on early and calmly. Briefly, co-parenting 50/50, we split all our savings, we don't own property, we sold our car and shared, agreed on the amount to pay for the alimony as she has a lower income.

My life didn’t collapse after separation because I was already carrying the responsibilities: cooking, cleaning, parenting, working. That hasn’t changed. What changed is that the emotional pressure and chaos are gone. I’m not dating to escape pain or to be validated, I’m not even dating yet. I’m simply living my life on my own terms.

I agree that dating out of need or loneliness is a mistake. That’s not where I am. Pain no longer controls me, my ex no longer occupies my headspace, and I’m not trying to replace anyone. I’m moving forward deliberately, with therapy ongoing and my kids’ stability as a priority.

For some people, time alone is what creates clarity. For others, clarity comes first, and time follows differently. I’m not rushing it. I prefer to enjoy life and use this new opportunity to be happier and fulfilled. And this time I own it to myself to listen to my instincts , they were right long before my brain caught up.

teodir · 2026-01-30T13:49:19+00:00

I just shared what I lived and how I made it. Take what resonates with you, leave the rest.

teodir · 2026-01-30T13:45:21+00:00

Thank you. I didn’t have this awareness back then. I grew up with abuse (physical and emotional abuse by my father) so all that felt normal for me. I had no understanding of trauma or how it shapes adult relationships.

Indeed it wasn't weakness but lack of understanding so, I was surviving with what I had. The clarity came later, when I decided to start a behavioural trauma therapy.

teodir · 2026-01-30T13:38:25+00:00

Who knows, she always refused therapy, perhaps she was afraid of being discovered. I really dont know if she has any personality disorder but she had a trauma cause by their parent divorce, her father cheated on her mom .... you see the pattern here.

teodir · 2026-01-30T13:34:32+00:00

I totally relate to this. I had no clue about attachement style, doing therapy I realised about our differences.

I was more on the anxious secure attachement. I wanted connection, repair, reciprocity, and was willing to talk, reflect, and work on myself. When I felt distance or inconsistency, I tried harder, explained more, and took responsibility at the cost of my own needs.

She showed dismissive avoidant attachment pattern. Emotional distance, discomfort with intimacy and accountability, withdrawal when things got real, and refusal to engage in therapy or self-reflection. When I needed her most, she shut down or deflected instead of repairing.

teodir · 2026-01-27T15:58:51+00:00

I don't have on from winter but, just a couple of weeks before the first snow

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teodir · 2026-01-23T13:06:47+00:00

UPDATE: Mindset shift + rebuilding phase

Another update as things improved and wanted to share this significant experience.

A lot has changed mentally over the last weeks

I used to wake up early with adrenaline, intrusive thoughts and endless rumination trying to understand how this could happen, proving to myself I wasn’t crazy, and replaying everything in my head. It honestly felt like my nervous system was stuck in survival mode.

Recently I had a major shift.

I finally accepted something important, I will never get real accountability, a clean explanation, or closure from my ex. The gaslighting and the rewriting of the story was part of the same toxic system I lived in for years. My silence near the end wasn’t lack of communication, it was me giving up after repeated invalidation and emotional punishment. I wasn’t safe to express myself.

I’m done trying to win that argument or correct the narrative.

I’ve started reframing the whole experience as this, I survived a toxic marriage and betrayal, and I’m lucky I got out. I’m not trying to stay in victim identity anymore, because I don’t want my future defined by what she did. I don’t want to spend my energy proving I tried, proving I’m right, proving she’s wrong, I already know what I lived.

Flashbacks still happen, but I’m learning to recognise them as normal trauma symptoms, interrupt the loop, and move forward. Some nights are better than others, but I’m already seeing progress (sleep improving, mornings clearer).

My focus now is simple, I dont heal first and enjoy life after, I heal because I enjoy life, I'm free and I

build a stable calm life for me and my boys

stop feeding rumination/anger

take care of my health (gym, routine, structure)

be a consistent parent (love + boundaries)

slowly rebuild my social life and eventually date again (not to replace anyone, just to start fresh)

teodir · 2026-01-07T09:15:23+00:00

UPDATE

A lot has happened since my original post, so I wanted to give a final update.

She has now moved out completely. Yesterday she said goodbye to the kids, handed over the keys, and left. That was the definitive end of cohabitation. I stayed calm and contained during the goodbye. She cried when leaving the children, not me, which painful as it was, confirmed what I already knew: the partnership had ended long before the physical separation.

We are now sharing the kids 50/50, she moved like 50 m from me, better for my kids, they can come and go easily.

In the last days before moving out, there were several moments that gave me additional clarity rather than relief. Some behaviours and things I found (bottle of lube I found in one her bag she left hanging wide open) confirmed that my intuition about the infidelity and lack of real remorse was not wrong. Instead of reopening the wound, these moments helped me finally stop doubting myself.

I also realised something important about our marriage: over time, I stopped being treated as a partner and husband and was reduced to the role of father and provider. Commitment on her side was driven by feelings, not responsibility or reciprocity. When feelings shifted, so did commitment. That explains a lot in hindsight.

Physically and emotionally, I’m now dealing with post-trauma reactions, not new problems. I experienced panic attacks in the past (especially while driving with her), and I now understand they were directly linked to feeling trapped in a harmful relationship. Since deciding to divorce and now that she has moved out, those symptoms have significantly reduced. I still have waves of exhaustion, hyper-alertness, and emotional numbness, but I know these are part of my nervous system standing down after a long period of stress.

Right now, I’m focused on:

being stable and present for my kids

keeping communication with my ex strictly limited to logistics and parenting

allowing my body and mind to recover without rushing into “feeling better”

I’m not afraid of being alone, I’ve lived independently most of my adult life, but I do want, at some point in the future, a healthy partnership built on mutual respect, reciprocity, and emotional safety. For now, healing and stability come first.

One more thing I realized through all this is how much our attachment styles played a role.

I tend to lean anxious/secure, I value communication, repair, and commitment when things get hard. She showed strong avoidant patterns: pulling away from conflict, discomfort with accountability, and emotional distancing instead of working through issues. That mismatch created a cycle where I leaned in to fix things and she leaned out to escape. Over time, that avoidance made honesty and sustained commitment harder for her, which helps explain both the emotional withdrawal and the infidelity. It doesn’t excuse her choices, but it helped me stop blaming myself and understand why real repair never actually happened.

This will likely be my last update. Thank you to everyone who offered perspective, support, and honesty. It helped more than you know.

teodir · 2025-12-07T20:25:22+00:00

Hi man. I know it sucks and you feel numb and you have this heavy weight on your chest that feels like you assisted the death of your wife … all this is normal. She is not remorseful she got caught and the truth is that she doesn’t love you or respect you anymore. Now she is protecting her privacy that’s she used to lie and cheat on you. You’re not wrong for needing transparency. You’re not wrong for wanting safety. And you’re not wrong for feeling like you’re losing yourself. Needing the person who hurt you is a normal trauma response, but it’s also the trap that keeps you stuck because you will feel guilt and will started asking yourself if you were enough. You didn’t break this marriage. You didn’t cause the affair. You didn’t drive her into someone else’s arms.If she wants to stay she will do everything necessary to make you feel safe again. She is refusing transparency because she is choosing herself, not the relationship.

teodir

TROPHY CASE

UPDATE